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My Life Built on Adderall

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Hey Everyone,

 

I just want to tell my story and I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks... 

 

Basically, I have built a fraudulent life based on my use of adderall. I used it to get through college, but the real thing is that I used it to create a booming business.

 

I won't get into all the mundane details of my story but basically I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 3rd grade so I know that I have some kind of attention disorder... But I hated taking the ritalin and so I got through high school by the skin of my teeth without any medication... I am a fun loving goofball of a person and I always HATED homework, studying, anything tedious etc... 

 

Anyways.... 

 

after years of recreational drug use... opiates, marijuana, alcohol, benzos, (of which i became addicted to opiates) I started taking adderall while I was recovering from opiates 

 

One night while high on adderall I downloaded an illegal version of photoshop and started playing with it for the first time. I became somewhat obsessed with photoshop and graphic design, so I decided to buy a camera so that I could edit my own pictures. I would take suboxone and adderall and the crash of adderall never really bothered me... I was going a mile a minute... creating elaborate photographs and digital imagery... I started posting my work online and immediate got a job doing photography, people wanted to buy my photographs and I thought hey! I could finally have my own business, be my own boss and make great money doing what "i love"... It was a dream come true...

 

 

Over the next 3 years, I continued to use adderall with and without a perscription... taking whatever dose I felt like at the time and what the job called for... I learned how to make websites, do accounting, marketing, sales, and branched out my business to also do films and video editing... I decided to specialize in Weddings... because "thats where the money is" ... my business grow quickly and I began working for myself full time... eventually buying a brand new car and saving more money than I had ever in my life... 

 

I knew somewhere in my head that this adderall was unsustainable... and I told myself that one day I will be able to stop taking the adderall and the business will run smoothly... I would do things I enjoyed without adderall like meeting with clients, shooting the photos at the weddings, talking on the phone etc... but when it came to sitting at the computer to edit thousands of pictures and put together elaborate wedding films I knew I had to take that ADDERALL to get the job done right and quickly. I would binge on adderall and stay up all night and into the next day and then when the crash came calling I would do anything to take it away... alcohol, weed, xanax (which caused me to do a lot of dumb things) .... I would feel terrible for a week or so after my binge... but then when the time came it was back to the adderall to get the work done... 

 

Fast forward to January 2014

 

I was at the top of my game (or so I thought) ... I had booked 50 weddings for the year and I was on vacation in colorado, then in February there was a wedding in Key West, FL ... During this time I was extremely happy ... almost too happy...  I felt more confident than I had ever in my life, I met and had sex, relationships with more women in 6 months than I had in 2 years...  However, I would drink alcohol with or without adderall and would become obnoxious, I would binge on adderall, smoke weed and I scared away basically every woman I had met during that period. I knew something had to change, I couldn't live this reckless lifestyle and become the man I always wanted to become 

 

(I am 28 years old, still living at home with my dad, I don't pay rent, no girlfriend)

 

I thought that maybe it is time for me to grow up and stop the adderall

 

This was right at the beginning of my wedding season. I knew it would be hard to continue my success without the adderall but I was not prepared for what has come to fruition. 

 

depression, anxiety, uncertainty, low self esteem, obsessive thinking ... 

 

Maybe I really can't do this without adderall? Maybe I need adderall to function?

 

I got through this summer without adderall except maybe once... it was truly a miserable experience... I don't know if even like the career or business I chose. I hate sitting at a desk, I hate editing videos, I hate being in an isolating job all by myself... I have way to much free time to lay around and do nothing... 

 

I believe that I never would have started this business without adderall

 

I am now at the point where I don't know wether or not I want to continue to run this business, I care about the money but I don't want to live life as an adderall zombie... I have been extremely anxious and depressed about my life situation... I have tried to take adderall at lower doses, but I just feel so miserable when it wears off that I just can't bear to be on it... but then after a few days I say I need to take it to get my work done or i'm going to be a nobody in life. I truly don't know what to believe anymore, I see some people take adderall and have no issues... I wish I could live a full life without adderall but I feel deep inside that I will never be as successful and that I will regret quitting my career and business. I have had periods where I can't even get out of bed to shower, never mind go to work everyday. I have become so accustomed to making large amounts of money for minimal work and using drugs to achieve everything that I don't know how to function normally anymore. 

 

I may have to start my life over from scratch

 

 

If you made it this far I sincerely thank you for listening to my story.

 

-Mike

 

 

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Mike,  you are doing the right thing by coming to this site.  Read the articles and posts, and take some stock.  The only way to quit is to quit.  I know that seems stupid, but if you don't get clean on day 1, then you can never look back on your first year clean.   While you are in the crash, you are going to be lazy and miserable.  If you can take some time off and recover, you may have better luck.  If not, welcome to the club...  It does get better, and you can't live like this forever.  Adderall eventually stops working.  So, stop it now.  It is inevitable that the same dose won't give the same effect.  There is hope, there is a life after Adderall.  You are awesome and talented.  Adderall can't make you an artist with a good eye.  It can only make you so jacked up that you are a crazy workaholic.  Burn the candle at both ends and it will soon be a puddle of wax...so it is with your body and mind.  Good luck and...

 

WELCOME!!

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Thanks for the response! You are so right... but I am just a plain old addict and I gotta come to grips with that... The drug doesn't work for me...

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i went through a similar experience with web development when I quit adderall. I started delegating pieces of projects that really helped when I was too tired to do it.  It took me some time but I can really get into a project  again and write some solid code.  I've had to fix some of my old projects that I wrote on Adderall and there wasn't anything brilliant or elegant about it. Just a mess a big mess. My projects now are simpler, easier to scale and more focused on what the client wants. Opposed to trying to do something really difficult to have something to show off.  

 

   I'm still delegating because I like working with people on a project makes the time go by faster and also can be a big boost on a deadline. Coding can be pretty dull and figuring out random css issues sucks sometimes. It ain't all sunshine and lolipops. At some point you just have to power through. I have  more patience off Adderall so I can learn new concepts.  It takes time but eventually you bounce back.  Take on fewer clients if you need to. 

 

The depression is the hardest thing to deal with. It can suck your energy and destroy your motivation.  I still listen to motivational type speakers, you-tube compilations while I work. Everytime I have a negative thought I say to myself "but your a LION" .   

 

Ovderall the best way to get through it is by getting through it. No secret formula. You built your business not adderall. Just keep fighting. 

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Mike:  It sounds like the real you wants to quit.

It might be the case that you never would have started the business if not for adderall.  What matters most is what you do now.  If you think you need you quit you probably will be way better off if you listen to this voice.

 

Those pills are like a love potion (one of the articles on this site expresses that beautifully) they make you love things you wouldn't normally love (maybe even hate?).

 

Either you will learn to truly and genuinely love what you do, or you will get that final push to go look for what you really DO want.

Stick around you can do it!

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