Bobcostas281

Probably could have died

28 posts in this topic

Hi everybody. I was first prescribed Addys almost 20 years ago.  There has been a number of quitting/restarting over that time but I’ll make a long story short. This past weekend (Saturday morning)  I took 5 50 mg IR and when I didn’t get that high feeling (just couldn’t sleep) I got some regular 20 mg addy from my friend and crushed them up and snorted them. At one point I could feel myself starting to lose conciousness but I went and laid down, and drank some  more alcohol (which I always do when I abuse adderall, it usually accentuates the buzz). Even though I hadn’t slept, I took more yesterday. At no point did I feel the euphoria I’m used to. I didn’t go to sleep until 10pm last night.  Also that was probably the third day last week I abused adderall. Usually it’s once a week.  Today I woke up and felt terrible, partially because I had to take Xanax to get to sleep last night. I took about 40 mg this morning, and still fell asleep by noon, and skipped work entirely. So bottom line- tomorrow will be my first day clean. The frequency of abuse has multiplied recently, and my already high doses have escalated to ridiculous levels. The ratio of being productive vs. going on a binge where I accomplish nothing is probably 20/80.  I’m already depressed, which is partly why I abuse it. But if I continue, I will lose everything. My job performance has really suffered as of late. My only thought was can I mitigate some of the crash by taking Wellbutrin?  Thanks to everyone for their stories, this place is very supportive. 

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From such high levels of abuse plus the downers Wellbutrin will probably make no noticeable difference. Although you can still try it if you want. I was abusing about the same as you not quite that bad but also for a shorter time. It's been rough for me but it's a little different for everyone. Good luck. Don't die, I've been in those moments where I thought I was going to: losing consciousness, feeling weak, etc the highs not worth dying for especially since you're not really getting high anymore just punishing your body. 

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SeanW, thanks and you are probably right. I was just thinking an antidepressant might help- I haven’t been on one like Effexor for a long time due to the sexual side effects. But I suppose I could try it or Paxil. On a side note, one of the reason I enjoy(ed) abusing adderall is that it made me feel horny. But that came at a price too, because I’d usually watch too much porn. One thing for sure- adderall for me was very isolating. A social drug it was not.  The other thing I noticed the past couple days is I’ve totally lost track of time. That’s happened in the past, but this time I really felt it. From Saturday morning until now is a blur. And everything I was supposed to do, like pay rent, I totally forgot.  I really hope I can maintain my hatred for this drug. 

 

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I hope you can too. Seems like you're in some pretty dark times and hearing it reminds how I felt. I also abused the sexual aspects but it wasn't worth it in the end I ended up isolated and in a terrible place. I hope you do better for yourself and take care because life can be good without adderall. 

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We love you, we've been there, and you're in the right place. 20 years is a long time. Have you ever considered inpatient rehab? If you're doing benzos on a semi-frequent basis, it may be the safest option for you. Also, if you have demanding career responsibilities at the moment it may be a way for you to quit and not be so uprooted by the early stages withdrawal by taking a 30-day leave of absence. I promise you life gets infinitely better when you're not on this drug. Your tolerance for emotional discomfort seems to be shockingly high, friend. I was there once, too.

I've been sober for a year and a half and my tolerance for pain (physical, emotional, etc.) is a LOT lower now. I couldn't be more grateful for that. When things in my life suck, I change them. I was somehow completely void of this skill when I was using adderall. I also did a lot of the adderall+porn combo for hours and that shit makes you feel so empty in my experience. I have a fulfilling sex life now that's drug free and I'm insanely grateful. Keep reading and updating us! You can do this.

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At some point, Adderall stops working, and then you're basically fucked. We often chase that hopelessness into the gates of insanity or death.

I lived the way you describe for 12-18 months. Nearly killed me. Several times. Not including the scores of times I drove passing out at the wheel. I'll have five years clean April 13th. Not going to sugar coat it: Going to whatever lengths necessary to get off Adderall, and for you probably booze and other drugs, is BY FAR the most important thing you can do for yourself right now.

Strongly consider inpatient rehab. Ask for help from friends or family to organize it if need be.

Good luck. 

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1 hour ago, Cheeri0 said:

I have a fulfilling sex life now that's drug free and I'm insanely grateful

For you and others out there, I think this is important. Took a little while but this deep-rooted fear that I wouldn't be able to have a fulfilling sex life was very real. And nonsense. 

8 hours ago, Bobcostas281 said:

My job performance as a lawyer has really suffered as of late

I was also worried about job performance. I took a year out (thank you unemployment) and eased back into it. I'm now absolutely crushing it at work (really started to kick in year 3) and am operating at a higher and more effective cognitive level than ever before. 

Turns out I trusted what people said on here about my cognitive abilities coming back at some point. I just didn't want to give up the high associated with neurotic self-obsession/"thinking." That INSANE inner monologue is gone. Haven't thought about that in a while. THANK GOD. 

Both of these things can be yours off Adderall. Just takes time and work. 

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as someone that is still on Wellbutrin for depression, i can say that it works for me in that capacity. it's hard to say how much it will help in early recovery, but it sounds like you already know how shitty this is going to be if you've quit before. for what it's worth, the quit attempt that ended up sticking for me was the one where i was taking a low - moderate dose of Wellbutrin.

i know you're pattern of abuse very well. if you don't stop now, here's what's going to happen: the 3 days a week abuse is going to progress into a long, never-ending binge. the alcohol and benzo cocktail that you're taking to enhance/mitigate the adderall will end up becoming a much more serious problem than the adderall alone. at some point in this mess, you will very likely get fired. it's not an if, it's a when. when that happens, the abuse will spiral out of control and you will bottom out or die as a result of it.

none of this should sound surprising. you seem like a smart guy, so if you accept that the above is a very real possibility, then the choice is already made. the next thing is a plan- it is far better to take a medical leave of absence than to get fired. do you have good insurance? go take advantage of that, find a in-patient rehab program. if it was just the adderall, i'd say its possible to do this without professional help, but with the downers in the mix, that could be dangerous.

gl and keep us posted!

 

 

 

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First of all, all of you are amazing. Not knowing what to expect after my post, I have to say your kind words and encouragement really lifted my spirits. I appreciate the suggestion for the rehab.  And I agree that benzos are cause for concern, one of my best friends died in the past year due to cocaine/benzo use.  Therefore, I very, very rarely take Xanax. Like literally twice in the last year. I did this past weekend simply because I was in such bad shape. And if I'm not taking Adderall, drinking doesn't hold a lot of appeal for me. I really don't like the "buzzy feeling" of alcohol without the Adderall to balance it out.  And whatever I've done to my brain over the last years, drinking alone doesn't give me that good feeling it used to. I cant really afford to take 30 days. I've got you guys, and I've got some real determination this time. I'm confident I can do it. I've done good today, been semi-productive even though I'm tired.  But day one is always fairly easy.  The problem will be day 4, or 5, or 8. Whenever I'm somewhat caught up with work and feeling normal again.  That's when my brain will want to fuck me over.  SleepyStupid, I completely agree with your analysis that if I fail to quit now, the binges will just turn into one long binge and I will be completely fucked.  So when you say, I seem like a smart guy...I have to disagree with you.  I see what drugs do to people every single day.  So I know better. There's nothing worse than being aware of what you are doing and fully apprised of the consequences and then doing it anyway. 

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6 hours ago, Bobcostas281 said:

There's nothing worse than being aware of what you are doing and fully apprised of the consequences and then doing it anyway. 

Amen, brother. Good to hear that you're determined. Just be advised that if the drugs are taking up a lot of real estate in your life, it's going to feel emptier without them there. I filled the space with a 12 step fellowship that I'm sure you were exposed to during your rehab stints, but that's not the only way. Taking up a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself (or reinvesting in an old one like running, art, book club, etc.) seems to be an important piece of this if you want to commit long-term. For now though, I'd buckle up for some rough days and keep a lot of fruit in the house. Hydrate like a bitch. Feel free to complain to us, also! Cheers mate.

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Hey @Bobcostas281, can definitely relate to what your going through.  I'm in my last year of law school and recently had a bout of amphetamine psychosis during a 2-week binge.  I'm only a few months off the amps but I have found that wellbutrin, vitamins (especially b vitamins), and a healthy diet w/o processed foods have helped immensely with energy and brain fog.  I will keep you in my prayers.

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7 hours ago, The Chieftain said:

 I'm only a few months off the amps but I have found that wellbutrin, vitamins (especially b vitamins), and a healthy diet w/o processed foods have helped immensely with energy and brain fog. 

How long did you have to take Wellbutrin to stabilize or give you any perceived benefit? I was prescribed it before and I felt a little boost however clouded my thinking more and my then energy just crashed so I quit after about a week. This was very early on so maybe I was just not ready. Thinking maybe I did not give it a fair chance and should have rode the side effects out longer to see if it helped..? 

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@EricP It is hard for me to determine how much of my improvement is tied to Wellbutrin because around the same time I started taking it I also got pretty fanatical about diet and exercise.  With that being said, I felt a perceived benefit at around the 2 week mark and it stopped my craving for nicotine within a few days (I am a lifelong smoker).

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One of the worst things about Adderall for me was when I stopped getting high from them, I’d forget that every pill I took was in my system even if I didn’t feel it & never processed that taking more wouldn’t get me high. I knew I needed to sleep, eat, or do something to take care of myself because getting that close to overdose was shitty but I was stubborn and continued popping more hoping something would hit. Nothing ever did. I don’t know why I continued to take it when I hated it. Man God wants you alive, it’s time to figure out why. If you want to stop we can make a plan with you if you want. You are not alone, I never realized anyone else was in my position too until I found this website.

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Great post @OnSomething. I haven't felt this good in a long time.  I agree, I gotta still be here for a reason. One week completely clean. Started taking a low dose of Wellbutrin, went to the gym for the first time in quite a while over the weekend. Finally have the desire to get out of bed, which I didnt have even when I was taking adderall. I'm lucky to feel this good so soon, I know that.  Thanks to everyone for the continued support. 

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3 hours ago, Bobcostas281 said:

Great post @OnSomething. I haven't felt this good in a long time.  I agree, I gotta still be here for a reason. One week completely clean. Started taking a low dose of Wellbutrin, went to the gym for the first time in quite a while over the weekend. Finally have the desire to get out of bed, which I didnt have even when I was taking adderall. I'm lucky to feel this good so soon, I know that.  Thanks to everyone for the continued support. 

Impressive getting to the gym after only a week clean! I hope you can keep it up!

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A friend of mine comes over yesterday and lays two pills down in front of me. “You should try this, it’s phenteramine. It’s not like adderall, you don’t feel high, it just helps you focus.”  I’m going to pass on that idea....

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yea, that's a hard "no" on that. good job. that stuff is still speed.

i do recognize and appreciate the slippery slope argument in all of this though. i for one take Wellbutrin and love coffee. they're both stimulants in their own way, but i don't feel like they've replaced Adderall in any way.

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So funny, I had the EXACT same offer Today! As much as I am struggling right now I had zero desire to undo all the hard work I have gone thru these past months (almost year) While I am not convinced I don't need some type of medication like Welbutrin I absolutely wasn't willing to go and step that far out and ruin myself!

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 Thanks for the positive feedback. Because you know part of my brain was saying, “go ahead and take the pills you’re eating too damn much and you need them. I’m sure it’ll be fine they’re not Adderall so don’t worry.”

In related news the same friend that put the pills on my desk reported it to me today, “I do feel kind of high from those pills.”  Yep. Thought so. 

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On 4/3/2018 at 6:48 AM, hyper_critical said:

At some point, Adderall stops working, and then you're basically fucked. 

Hey @hyper_critical! What do you mean when adderall stops working you’re basically fucked? I feel like I took so much that it stopped working for me...what do u mean by fucked? Freaking me out a little lol

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i think he meant while you're still using- you're fucked chasing a high that will never come back, but you just don't believe it.

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Also that it’s kind of fucked up you fried your dopamine receptors in your brain so bad that all the Adderall in the world wont get you high. Not that it can’t be fixed at some point. But it’s going to be later rather than sooner as I’m finding out

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1 hour ago, Bobcostas281 said:

Also that it’s kind of fucked up you fried your dopamine receptors in your brain so bad that all the Adderall in the world wont get you high. Not that it can’t be fixed at some point. But it’s going to be later rather than sooner as I’m finding out

^this! 

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I hate the word fried ughhhh that makes me feel like it’s brain damage. I don’t want to think I fried my brain. I seriously think I’ll never be the same

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