annieadderall Posted February 1, 2015 Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 started taking adderall in 2006 when i was 16, i am now 25, i've stopped for short periods of time over the years (most of 2010 (i was 20) and summer of 2013(i was 23)) but never with the intention of stopping for good the doses i've taken over these 9 years average to be about 20mg, i've taken sustained release for the first 8 years and instant release since 2013 adderall is intrinsic to my self confidence, I've never had a period in my adult life where i felt sober and successful, every thing i've accomplished (which tbh is not much) i've done with the help of adderall i am often in denial of my addiction when i'm not on forums like this, i had a wake up call this thursday when my therapist recommended literal rehab for the problems adderall has been causing me (suicide ideation, feelings or worthlessness, depression, etc...) so here is where my question comes from, how could i ever in a milliion years like myself better and be happier with the drug that i grew up on? i will have to face my pent up depression and dull personality i took the adderall to mask in the first place. will i have to be depressed for decades and finally feel okay in middle age? i honestly don't think its worth it to quit, i mean it might be, but i honestly don't see how its possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idontcare Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 "Adderall is intrinsic to my self confidence." Seems like that statement is gonna be more important than withdrawing from the drug itself. You need (we need) to figure out how to be happy with ourself for who we are, as opposed to what we do. Esteem based value almost always crashes and burns if it isn't corrected, because it is the most delusional, narcissistic type of self worth there is. You're gonna have to be ok with being a lazy slacker for a bit while you recover and your body upregulates all of your dormant receptors. This will be a great (and crucial) time to find your REAL self worth. I know, easier said than done. I'm still not even close to being back to my old self (I tapered from 20 mg of dextroamphetamine to 5 mg for 2 months and quit almost two weeks ago). But knowing where to start is key. I hope you find your way out. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post AlwaysAwesome Posted February 2, 2015 Popular Post Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 You won't be yourself for a long while after you quit, but you will never be yourself if you don't quit. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 The only way I became my old self or my true self was to quit speed. Welcome to the forum. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieadderall Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 "Adderall is intrinsic to my self confidence." Seems like that statement is gonna be more important than withdrawing from the drug itself. You need (we need) to figure out how to be happy with ourself for who we are, as opposed to what we do. Esteem based value almost always crashes and burns if it isn't corrected, because it is the most delusional, narcissistic type of self worth there is. You're gonna have to be ok with being a lazy slacker for a bit while you recover and your body upregulates all of your dormant receptors. This will be a great (and crucial) time to find your REAL self worth. I know, easier said than done. I'm still not even close to being back to my old self (I tapered from 20 mg of dextroamphetamine to 5 mg for 2 months and quit almost two weeks ago). But knowing where to start is key. I hope you find your way out. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I don't know if you meant to but this actually gave me a clear goal to work for, Finding self confidence in doing things on my own. I am absolutely okay with being a lazy slacker, my confession to my therapist about the problem began because I couldn't understand how I could be on adderall and still be stuck trying to get the things done that I wanted to. I hope you find your way out of this adderall mess. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieadderall Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 The only way I became my old self or my true self was to quit speed. Welcome to the forum. I think thats the case for a lot of people, How old were you when you started and quit if you don't mind me asking? I'm afraid I don't know who my old self would be xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieadderall Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 You won't be yourself for a long while after you quit, but you will never be yourself if you don't quit. can't argue that xo 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted February 3, 2015 Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 I think thats the case for a lot of people, How old were you when you started and quit if you don't mind me asking? I'm afraid I don't know who my old self would be xx I was in my 40's during most of my addiction. I quit when I was 48. I like your very specific goal of finding self confidence in doing things on your own. Not something you can force, so you do indeed have to find your own confidence. In my experience and that of many forum contributors, the self confidence issue was particularly slow to return. My self confidence started coming back during the second year of my recovery, and I still struggle with some issues regarding confidence and motivation that I didn't have pre-Adderall. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted February 3, 2015 Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 After 6 1/2 years on Adderall, I had forgotten who I was before. I still find myself saying "was I this lazy before?" I ask my husband who says that I was not. I do remember being able to function just fine without Adderall. I believe that is why I can stay the course. There is hope for the "old me" returning, so I am going to hang in there. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted February 3, 2015 Report Share Posted February 3, 2015 Breaks my heart to hear you say things like, your "dull self". Your true self is awesome and anything but dull (even if he/she is sleepy sometimes). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted February 4, 2015 Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." You say, "how could I like myself better without this drug you grew up on", but yet you also mentioned how this drug is causing you suicide ideation, feelings of worthlessness, and depression. It doesn't sound like it can be doing a whole lot of good for you if it is causing suicide ideation. And yet that is exactly what this drug causes when it is abused. You did say you are addicted, is that right? I really feel for you because I don't know what it would've been like to have started taking it so young. I started when I was 25 and didn't quit until I was 31. However, I can tell you all the issues you are having - I had those too. They were Adderall induced. I may have slight depression/anxiety at times now, but it is NOTHING in comparison to what I was like on Adderall. It was a rocky roller coaster ride from hell. I am emotionally stable today and it is by far way better than to what I was like on Adderall. I would go from being on top of the world like I wanted to do 5000 things all at once, go run a marathon in an hour, and then to damn near exhaustion, depression, and inability to do anything without more speed. If you are abusing it, the roller coaster ride will only get worse. You will need more and more to achieve the same effect and it will take a toll on you. More than anything though, I just want to give you a message of hope. Do NOT sell yourself short for this drug. You are a human being and you are perfectly ACCEPTABLE just the way you are!!!! You are just as valuable as anyone else on this earth. We are humans. We are all flawed. None of us is perfect. This drug might produce results that make you feel perfect or earn you rewards and kudos, etc. However, who says we have to do or be anything in life to be happy with ourselves? If you could start loving yourself unconditionally today at this moment for just being alive and being human, how would that change things in your mind? Why must we feel we need to be superman in order to be important, loved, valuable? If you remove these underlying beliefs that tell you you're no good without it, you might have a really good chance to quit this drug that is causing you so much pain. For me, I just want to be happy today. I guess this is something I have been working on recently and I've been feeling really good. I've stopped comparing myself to others and instead just focused on all the positives in my life. And more than anything I keep telling myself, "I've got everything I possibly need right here right now today to be happy." Because I guess more than anything I realize that it doesn't matter what is happening externally. It is my view and my perception of my reality and if I change the way I see my life into all the things that are good and keep using the positive filter instead of that negative lens, things will actually be a lot better. LIFE IS GOOD. I AM BLESSED. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED WITHIN ME TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW TODAY. Keep HOPE alive and keep moving forward! You CAN do this! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted February 4, 2015 Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 One more thing... It just dawned on me I began my working career with ADD drugs (Ritalin, concerta, then Adderall). I did NOT know what my performance would be like without them and I was scared to death I would be fired if I quit. When I was on ADD drugs, I thought I had everyone fooled. I thought they all thought I was this amazing, serious, super focused employee. Maybe at times I did have them fooled. However, it back fired on me big time. The bad times that resulted from my use of this drug totally killed all my chances for moving upwards. In the beginning I was at one point informed I was in training to be an Operations Manager. However, as time went on and my co-workers got to know me better and better things became visible to everyone I worked with. My addiction problems were slowly exposed. Kind of like if you had a closet full of skeletons and couldn't keep the door shut. A bone would fall out here and there and I'd try to cover it up and throw it back in as quickly as I could, I put everything I could into my life at work. It wasn't until I sobered up and got a new start that within a year this amazing opportunity popped up. Looking back what I realized was that it was due to my reputation. I had clean start at my new job and my coworkers knew nothing of my past. At my new job I did not drink with my coworkers. I no longer had any skeletons to hide. Amazingly, I did a better job because I never had any crazy things going on in my personal life. I was an emotionally stable employee who showed up for work everyday, did my job, and didn't cause any issues. It was actually pretty easy. Anyhow, this is just my experience, but I wanted to give you hope. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyper_critical Posted February 8, 2015 Report Share Posted February 8, 2015 What you're experiencing now won't get better on its own. In fact, it will get markedly worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieadderall Posted February 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 Breaks my heart to hear you say things like, your "dull self". Your true self is awesome and anything but dull (even if he/she is sleepy sometimes). this is so sweet, thank you <3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieadderall Posted February 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." You say, "how could I like myself better without this drug you grew up on", but yet you also mentioned how this drug is causing you suicide ideation, feelings of worthlessness, and depression. It doesn't sound like it can be doing a whole lot of good for you if it is causing suicide ideation. And yet that is exactly what this drug causes when it is abused. You did say you are addicted, is that right? I really feel for you because I don't know what it would've been like to have started taking it so young. I started when I was 25 and didn't quit until I was 31. However, I can tell you all the issues you are having - I had those too. They were Adderall induced. I may have slight depression/anxiety at times now, but it is NOTHING in comparison to what I was like on Adderall. It was a rocky roller coaster ride from hell. I am emotionally stable today and it is by far way better than to what I was like on Adderall. I would go from being on top of the world like I wanted to do 5000 things all at once, go run a marathon in an hour, and then to damn near exhaustion, depression, and inability to do anything without more speed. If you are abusing it, the roller coaster ride will only get worse. You will need more and more to achieve the same effect and it will take a toll on you. More than anything though, I just want to give you a message of hope. Do NOT sell yourself short for this drug. You are a human being and you are perfectly ACCEPTABLE just the way you are!!!! You are just as valuable as anyone else on this earth. We are humans. We are all flawed. None of us is perfect. This drug might produce results that make you feel perfect or earn you rewards and kudos, etc. However, who says we have to do or be anything in life to be happy with ourselves? If you could start loving yourself unconditionally today at this moment for just being alive and being human, how would that change things in your mind? Why must we feel we need to be superman in order to be important, loved, valuable? If you remove these underlying beliefs that tell you you're no good without it, you might have a really good chance to quit this drug that is causing you so much pain. For me, I just want to be happy today. I guess this is something I have been working on recently and I've been feeling really good. I've stopped comparing myself to others and instead just focused on all the positives in my life. And more than anything I keep telling myself, "I've got everything I possibly need right here right now today to be happy." Because I guess more than anything I realize that it doesn't matter what is happening externally. It is my view and my perception of my reality and if I change the way I see my life into all the things that are good and keep using the positive filter instead of that negative lens, things will actually be a lot better. LIFE IS GOOD. I AM BLESSED. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED WITHIN ME TO BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW TODAY. Keep HOPE alive and keep moving forward! You CAN do this! thank you so much for this caring response, i wish i knew someone like you in real life, this was a blast of grounded and thoughtful positivity and i really appreciate it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieadderall Posted February 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2015 One more thing... It just dawned on me I began my working career with ADD drugs (Ritalin, concerta, then Adderall). I did NOT know what my performance would be like without them and I was scared to death I would be fired if I quit. When I was on ADD drugs, I thought I had everyone fooled. I thought they all thought I was this amazing, serious, super focused employee. Maybe at times I did have them fooled. However, it back fired on me big time. The bad times that resulted from my use of this drug totally killed all my chances for moving upwards. In the beginning I was at one point informed I was in training to be an Operations Manager. However, as time went on and my co-workers got to know me better and better things became visible to everyone I worked with. My addiction problems were slowly exposed. Kind of like if you had a closet full of skeletons and couldn't keep the door shut. A bone would fall out here and there and I'd try to cover it up and throw it back in as quickly as I could, I put everything I could into my life at work. It wasn't until I sobered up and got a new start that within a year this amazing opportunity popped up. Looking back what I realized was that it was due to my reputation. I had clean start at my new job and my coworkers knew nothing of my past. At my new job I did not drink with my coworkers. I no longer had any skeletons to hide. Amazingly, I did a better job because I never had any crazy things going on in my personal life. I was an emotionally stable employee who showed up for work everyday, did my job, and didn't cause any issues. It was actually pretty easy. Anyhow, this is just my experience, but I wanted to give you hope. gosh this sounds like the dream, it definitely does give me hope Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
better_morgan Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 You CAN do it, but it will not be an easy quick fix. You need to work with your doctor and make a step down or taper off plan. Not over one week time period but over weeks, maybe a couple of months. Your brain is so used to getting this stimulus, it would not be good to go cold turkey. If I can make another suggestion is use forums or websites to research and understand what to expect as far as withdrawal symptoms. Recognize the signs when you are feeling them, will hopefully let you know you are on the right track, but just need to hang on a little longer. Also, letting friends and family know you will be taking this step to get off Adderall, will let them know why you may not seem like yourself, why you are behaving weird or badly. I think having a support group of friends and family (or co-workers) to encourage you stay off and hang in there will be a tremendous help. It won't stop the withdrawal symptoms but you are not alone in it. Finally, give your doctor/nurse feedback as you go down in the dosage so they can see if you are doing it too quickly...maybe need to keep the same level a little longer...before stepping down again. This is a process and not an easy thing to do, but also NOT impossible. How long it takes will depend on how your body responds, and it is different for all people. Some even go into rehab. Keep coming here and other websites if you need encouragement. Wouldn't it have been nice if the doctors in the beginning had told you how hard it would be to get off the medication!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 it will take time but it is worth it. Welcome ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
survived Posted March 11, 2015 Report Share Posted March 11, 2015 I often ask my self the same question. When will this end? When will I go back to my old self? It's going to take time is what I learned. A lot of time. But it's better to get this over with now, then later. It will be worth it. I was extremely energetic on my own before Adderall, so to remember that and want to go back to that, is my motivator too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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