3 months clean, Thought I could control it, I was wrong

[SoPowerful]

I'm toward the end of my monthly rx of Adderall 30mg RX, problem being 11 days before my next doctors appointment.

 

So as you could imagine, I feel like complete poop. Wired, skin bone dry, mouth bone dry...thoughts racing and out of my control. Heart rate beating out of my chest.

 

I feel like complete hell, nasty, dirty. Just plan gross. Tweeking. I hate myself, I just feel like dying.

 

 

No way I can take Adderall. I told myself 1 pill per day, I have this under control.

 

2 weeks later, they're all gone. I can't believe it. I'm literally gonna kill myself with this drug.

 

I'm not even productive at all, It helps me, in no way. It's all a lie.

 

 

I'm gonna die taking Adderall. What should I do?

[Doge]

First of all, congrats on 3 months clean.  That is huge (if you ask me!).  It proves you can do it.

 

So you messed up!  Don't let it get you down.  We've all fell victim to the temptation to "it's ok in moderation, now that I'm clean and not addicted anymore..... i'll be responsible this time and space them out carefully.  I'll get so much done!"

Don't be too hard on yourself either, our inner addicts are manipulative and very good at convincing us we're not addicted.  The allure and romanticization is extremely powerful.

 

The good news is, now you know what it feels like to get clean and you can do it again!  Use these forums lots!  Tell you doctor what's happening!  You don't have to die taking it.  Just stop taking it!  Cut yourself off or have someone do it for you!

Before all, get some rest and replenish yourself with food/drink.  Then afterward you can make a plan to deal with the cravings next time they hit.  You have to plan ahead for them because once they hit us it's like we are a completely different personality.

[LILTEX41]

Ditto what Grumpy said!  That was perfect!

 

Yes, the addictive voice will tell us anything and everything to rationalize using again.  Recovery is not always a linear process.  Look how great you have done for 3 months!  So you got a flat tire along the path of recovery.  You hit a bump and now all you got to do is repair the tire and get back on the road to recovery.  This is where I found a cost benefit analysis very helpful. I learned it in Smart Recovery.  If you are interested, let me know and I'll post the link.  I keep mine handy for whenever I want to use again. It's a lost of advantages/disadvantages to using.  For me the consequences outweighed any advantages ten fold. 

 

Anyhow, don't worry!  You can do this!  Just keep moving forward to getting better.

 

Take care!

[SoPowerful]

Def made excuses, sleeping all day, depressed, everything was a chore, I craved Adderall pretty much everyday, and I did not mention I regret buying a few illegally, just to get that buzz. I really don't feel like a deserve credit for being sober, sober against my will maybe. even though, I hate being on Adderall, the addiction is that of love-hate. Kinda like the Adderall high and than the Adderall crash. With that said, I know I cannot do this forever...really will destroy everything pure and good in my life.

 

Getting high, that's all this is about now...getting that little 1-3 hour happy euphoric high, its not about being focused, controlling add...

 

It's maintaining a state of high. In which I'm powerless to

control.

 

And even though its destroying my life, I still want more. F***

[Doge]

That sounds exactly like the hell I was living for so long.

 

And YES you DO deserve the credit.  Even if it was against your will you still survived without it!

I know exactly what you mean, as sick as it sounds the crash is almost as addictive as the high itself.  It's like getting to continually hit a reset button on your brain and just pound everything stressing you out to smitherines.  

 

I remember even during the first day of the crash I still felt relaxed (well, my brain did anyway, my heart was still usually racing) and entitled to just lay around guilt free.  But then another 24 hours or so and all the problems just come back, way worse.

 

If you've got a stash left, flushing it is probably the only way you will avoid taking them eventually.  That being said I was never able to do that; and if i had a stash now I still probably woudln't flush it -- I'd stare at it and resist as long as I could and then eventually cave.

 

It's as simple as needing to make a decision between life and death.  That's the crucial step.

 

Once you get that far, tell your doctor you're addicted and he/she will cut you off.  As for the street, it may be a bit more complicated, but there are ways to make your dealer scared to sell to you.  Get yourself past the decision hurdle and we can figure out a plan I promise!

 

Keep your head up!  The battle is not lost.

[AlwaysAwesome]

I used to quit for a month or so and then start back up on my same dose, just hoping that it would work like it used to work.  How is that for crazy.  I would endure the withdrawal just trying to get back to the way it used to be.  Weight control was gone, energy wasn't the same, and I knew I needed  a higher dose just to get those benefits back.  I made the choice to quit that roller coaster.  I didn't want to get deeper into what I knew was destroying me.  You can do this.  Tell everyone you know and then just stop.  Don't beat yourself up, either.  We have all been there soooooo many times...

[Zerokewl]

For me I was always chasing scripts. Going to multiple doctors, multi pharmacies, and navigating my health plan paperwork etc.  I was always in constant fear of getting busted, by the doctor,pharmacy, my workplace health plan.  As an adderall crazed advertising executive crashes weren't really an option. I was on always on, chewing pills before meetings,  oh well not going to sleep anyways might as well take some. Off days meant concerta and booze to help me come down. Chain smoking and completely out of control. Looking back on it I have so many deep regrets.  

 

Life is too short to be in the constant pursuit of more,more,more. 

 

Crazed it all came crashing down.  Once you are in that spiral, you need more and more and more. Just to feel  normal or clean the bathroom.  The psychosis is so strong the years just whiz by in this cycle.  

 

Getting off adderall you have to sort of relearn how to get projects done, by breaking them up into smaller tasks.  Lots of great articles on this site about how to do this. It takes some practice. But in the end you come back stronger.  

[AlwaysAwesome]

Well said.

[back2life]

Thank you for being honest!

I am myself now at the point of calling to schedule another " I think I need to wean myself off"  appointment with my psychiatrist. I've been clean since March 21st.  It is so hard. I thought 30 days would be a challenge, haha, little did I know then....

But, please hang in there,

I am praying and thinking of you.

LOVE

[AlwaysAwesome]

It does get better!  Just hold the line!! 

[CreativeGuy]

I can relate to your experience "chasing scripts" so exaughausting having to worry middle of the month when I ran out early. Created my own prison in a way I feel like it consumes a lot of my thoughts and energy.

For me I was always chasing scripts. Going to multiple doctors, multi pharmacies, and navigating my health plan paperwork etc. I was always in constant fear of getting busted, by the doctor,pharmacy, my workplace health plan. As an adderall crazed advertising executive crashes weren't really an option. I was on always on, chewing pills before meetings, oh well not going to sleep anyways might as well take some. Off days meant concerta and booze to help me come down. Chain smoking and completely out of control. Looking back on it I have so many deep regrets.

Life is too short to be in the constant pursuit of more,more,more.

Crazed it all came crashing down. Once you are in that spiral, you need more and more and more. Just to feel normal or clean the bathroom. The psychosis is so strong the years just whiz by in this cycle.

Getting off adderall you have to sort of relearn how to get projects done, by breaking them up into smaller tasks. Lots of great articles on this site about how to do this. It takes some practice. But in the end you come back stronger.