Dissapointed in myself, scared...

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

Thanks in large part to people on this forum, I went 22 days without a pill- and today I caved. I dont know why I did it, i just felt that urge and couldnt stop it. I feel so disgusted with myself and although I dont know the folks on this site that have encouraged me all that well- I feel like Ive dissapointed you guys as well.

 

My life has been so much better over the past 3 weeks, I just dont know why I did what I did and although the pill wore off hours ago, I cant sleep because im so angry with myself. Thank you guys for the support.

[Doge]

Hey.. listen.  Speed (yes that's what it is) is powerful as FUCK.

 

We all totally understand what happened.  I am the KING of relapsing and have pulled the dumbest stunts ever and people here are still supporting me.  It's cause they know how it works and they understand.  Same for you.

 

Step 1)  Forgive yourself.  Seriously just take it easy.  It's an addiction.  None of us understood addiction (but of course we all thought we were too smart for that right?) before we got hooked.  But now it's here and we're addicted.  So don't blame yourself.  It's out of your control.

 

Step 2)  Acknowledge that last fact.  It is out of your control.  So does that mean we're all doomed?  No!  It means we need to reach out for help.  The people on this site are great for emotional support but none of us can do the one critical thing that is most important.  We can't stop you from taking a pill when the cravings hit.  And FUCK do they ever hit strong.

 

Step 3)  The only logical conclusion is that you have to involve other people somehow.  Prescription?  Tell your doctor that you are addicted and you want to quit.  Tell him/her that your life is hundreds of times better without it, but because of the addiction you can't stop.  Tell your doctor that exactly.  They are obligated to cut you off.  It's that easy.  But it's hard as hell because it's so scary.  "Wait, what about later when I'm not addicted anymore and if I want some... then i'll be cut off!"   *ALARM SOUND* wrong question.  You will always be addicted.  Once addicted always addicted.  You'll never be able to control it like you did when you first started.  Trust me I've tried after being 10 months clean.

 

Dealer?  If he's your friend, tell him it's destroying you.  If it's not your friend and you don't trust them not to take advantage of you, then tell them you got busted by the cops with posession and you think they are monitoring your phone, they'll be too scared to sell you any more.  If that doesnt' work, threaten to rat them out to the cops (OK maybe don't do this if they are street dealers because those people can be scary).  I don't know there has to be a way.  But I'll bet it's a doctor anyway since that's how most people get their prescription.

 

The moral is, you have to plan ahead for when the cravings hit, because when they do come (and they always do).  YOU won't be in the driver's seat by that time.  You'll just be a passenger watching your addict take over your actions and thoughts.

 

Please don't be angry with yourself.  Just learn from this and plan ahead for next time.  We WILL get through this together!

[AlwaysAwesome]

I can't say it any better than Grumpycat did.  But, I want you to know that no one here will judge you for caving.  How many times did I do the same thing?  Soooooo many times...    Just stop and cut off all chances to relapse.  If you are hanging on to some pills for the future, then you have to get rid of them.  If you haven't cut off your supply, then you HAVE to do that right NOW!  Tell the people around you.  It helps to have some external accountability.  Get a support group.  

 

Just know that we understand and will never judge you.  We are all addicts and always will be.  Now, get back to work and quit this crap. 

[LILTEX41]

Hi Todaydeterminestomorrow!

 

Funny, but your profile name is exactly right.  The choices we make today determines what will happen tomorrow.  I like that.

 

Ok, so you caved.  Remember, this is your first time quitting and trying to quit a highly addictive drug like this is very challenging on all accounts.  You have an addiction to this pill that has been growing steadily over the days, weeks, months, and possibly years?  Point is this is going to take some effort to kick and it's not always easy.  There are going to be some days that are easier than others (love and cherish these days!) and some days it's just going to suck.  You are going to get cravings and urges and if you don't do something productive with these cravings (positive thinking towards this drug) then you will end up taking it again.  I found Smart Recovery very helpful for exactly this reason.  They have a variety of tools available that can help you deal with these.  For example, one of my favorites is called, "Playing the tape forward."  With this tool you just play the entire scenario out in your head before you act on the urge.  So instead of just focusing on all of the positive short term effects you will feel from giving in, you think about it until the next day. Like I might imagine myself taking it, feeling excited, euphoric, doing a million things, then how I would need to come down eventually, and how I would end up drinking like 9 beers, smoking pot, and sleeping 2 hours and wake up feeling AWFUL.  And then I'd think about how I will need another pill the next day to cope from the hangover, and how i will be right back in the entire trap again.  I think about all the darkness it brought me and all the BAD stuff and how in the long term this is not going to work.  It is a short term fix and I will need to keep taking it to keep producing the same effect.  I will need to keep taking more and more of it to produce that effect.  It will destroy my health, relationships, emotional stability, happiness, induce paranoia, and leave me totally void, empty, and feeling trapped.

 

If you stayed off of it for 3 weeks, that is awesome!  You obviously had managed and overcome many cravings during that time.  You know you CAN do it again.  For me, I have to catch my urges and realize I am having them before they get out of control. Sometimes I am not even aware of it.  Like I can simply see a picture of someone on Facebook posting a picture of a margarita and then next thing I know I am finding myself feeling depressed and wanting to drink.  The longer these thoughts keep going and your addicted brain begins going to work and finding every rationalization or excuse to come up with a case as to why it's probably a good idea to go ahead and have a drink or take a pill.  That's where these tools are really useful.  I have a lot of them on my iPhone notes.  I just get that thing out and refer to them when these thoughts pop into my head.  They call it the 3 p's.  Practice, Patience, and Perseverance (or something like that). You just have to get good at practicing resistance to the cravings and you will slowly grow this muscle of resistance much in the same way of working out.  The more you practice refusing the stronger you will become and the cravings become less and less frequent.  Once you cave and give in, they call that feeding the pig.  The more you feed it, the hungrier it gets.  

 

I think it's also key to keep reminding yourself that adderall is a highly addictive drug.  Anyone who takes it is at risk for becoming addicted.  Sure, you might be okay in the beginning, but it's the drug not you.  It's addictive by nature and the best thing you can do to stay out of the trap by breaking free and remaining as far away from it as possible.  

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.  I've slipped TONS of times.  But I've always got right back on track.  Just know it's a slip and don't let it derail all your progress from 3 weeks.  You still have those 3 weeks!  Just don't give up and keep moving forward!

[fkadderall]

Throw your pills away. It's obvious that none of us have self control. It's not our fault that we're addicted. our brains like the adderall high. You have the ability to tell your doctors to stop giving you more pills.  This adderall drug is NOT SAFE. just because it's legal doesn't mean it's safe.This drug is killing us. The drug is not helping any of us. People think it's a miracle drug. The only miracle drug is exercise. We are here for you. Just remember that we believe you can stop. you can totally quit mate.

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

I really can't thank you guys enough for the support. The reality is that I have no idea what caused the slip or why I couldn't stop once I started- but it did and I couldn't. I didn't flush the pills I got my hands on, I just don't have that in me and I'd be lying if I said I could. For me, the relapse happened the second my mind thought about it, it had been 3 weeks and I felt absolutely great. But for some bizarre reason when my buddy at work asked me if I wanted a few pills, I couldn't say no and even though I can't recall a single good thing that I've accomplished while on adderall- there I was again, back where I started 21 days ago. I have barely slept for the past 72 hours but I'm finally out and whether I like it or not- tomorrow is day 1. I am praying that the three weeks I stayed clean will make the next few days less miserable than the first go around- but who knows. Having people encourage me like this gives me so much gratitude and so much motivation- so thank you all again so much. I will check in daily as I go, one day at a time....

[Doge]

I've been there many times.  Only once I flushed pills and even then I still went back to them one more time.  The last time I used them I used em till they were gone and never was able to flush.

 

Remember to do more than pray.  Take concrete steps to prevent this from repeating itself.  Your future you will thank you for it!

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

Hi all- just an update. It's been 3 days, it has been 3 miserable days..but I have been clean for 72 hours. I will continue to give updates as I go and I really appreciate the help, again. If anyone thinks they can stop for 3 weeks and that a few days of use will make the detox any easier- trust me, your mistaken. I haven't been out of bed for more than 10 mins since Saturday.

[LILTEX41]

Whooooooo hooooo!!!  That's awesome!!  You are 3 days free and clear of that junk!!    Good job!!!

[Frank B]

I've tried to quit a couple times but kept my script around. But last time I tossed them in the toilet shredded my scripts and told my doctor I'm a adderal junkie. It's way too powerful to have laying around I've had days in the last nearly 4 months I would have gave in if my bottle was in my medicine cabinet. If you don't get rid of the pills cut ties to how you get the script your setting yourself up for failure. It's a huge step to decide to quit but it's even bigger to get the means to easy access to the pills out of your life. I hope you don't get discouraged if your taking it again don't give up on quitting.

[Frank B]

I just read your other post so I see your worker buddy takes them. That's going to be hard you need to draw a line in the sand with him tell him don't offer you a pill again your a recovering addict if he doesn't respect that simple say you'll report him that will change his mind. People who use just like cocaine herion etc want others to use with them it makes them feel better about what they are doing so u just need to let him know your done and serious about it. I wouldn't bother telling him why everyone doing this knows it's something you'll figure out yourself until that happens it's the best drug in the world.

[Traceme]

You got this. Don't give up. I believe you can do it.

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

Hi all- just wanted to let everyone know that today is day 11 for me. It hasn't been easy- it almost feels like the first 21 days before the relapse was easier. However, I have cut off supply and told my coworker not to ask or give me anything no matter what. I'm taking it day by day, I just wish my energy would have returned by now, and it hasn't.

[bluemoon]

It takes a long time  But every day gets easier! One day at a time! We're all rooting for you. You can do this.

[flow3]

Don't get discouraged with the lack of energy and motivation... You will be battling that for months to come(just being honest and not trying to sugarcoat it). It really does seem to get a lil easier each day especially with the cravings. I'll have to agree with everyone else in the fact that you HAVE to cut your supply off... Whatever that may be. When getting more pills is no longer an option, you'll find that your brain acknowledges that and spends less time obsessing over it. The first 30 days are truly a battle of will power and you have to decide that no matter what, you are going to win the battle. I come to this site and read all the motivating posts every single time I have a craving or am struggling. It truly has made all the difference with me. There's some really great people here that know your struggles all too well and will give you all the support you need.

Now go and beat this shit! You got this!

[AlwaysAwesome]

Once the physical withdrawal is gone, you must learn how to deal with the psychological withdrawal.  That is what goes on for so long.  The idea that it will make everything better, is a lie!  Weight loss, motivation, and energy...short term benefits which don't last.  Remember that.

[TodayDeterminesTomorrow]

Hey always-- can I ask you to explain what you meant a bit more about that last post, what is a lie?

So this morning I came across three pills that I hadn't realized I still had. I legitimately was hit with a moment of truth opportunity and after 5 mins whichh felt like 5 hours- I threw them (actually wound up and threw like a pitcher) into the toilet and flushed. Man I wish I could say I was proud of myself and I feel great. But the truth is that I really wanted to eat those pills and the emotions of pride etc just aren't what I'm feeling. It's more a sense of, I know I did the right thing, but damn I know I want that feeling. Either way, the toilet doesn't unflush so I'm safe from myself for now. I just wanted to get my thoughts out, thank you all for listening and helping

[Doge]

you just made me so happy

the thought of those little pricks being flushed down the toilet warms my heart

 

I can't remember if you said you were a binge user (like myself) or if you used the prescribed daily dose, but I look back and realized that every binge could have been the one that killed me.

 

you just saved yourself so much pain (or even your LIFE!!!) remember that.  GOOD for you!! it's the best thing you could have done

[AlwaysAwesome]

Your inner addict tells you that you are better on the pills.  It is lying to you.  You may think you are better, but everyone around you notices that you are not yourself.  You may be thin, but you are unhealthy.  You may be able to work harder, but it is less quality.  That is what I mean by it being a lie.  Also, you have to continue to increase the dose to keep it working the same.  I quit rather than increase my dose again.  I didn't want the psychosis and volatile mood swings anymore.  Or the anhedonia...it feels good to laugh again.

[Doge]

I used to think of my inner addict as some sort of fun loving, rule breaking, live in the moment, don't care about the future or consequences, irresponsible side of myself.

But now, particularly after my most recent (AND FINAL) descent into insanity I believe with all my heart that it's a demon who wants to kill me and everything good about me.

[AlwaysAwesome]

I couldn't agree more...