Had to Know, Now I know

[Beback17]

Not sure if this is really a "tell your story" topic, but it is part of my story - here it goes.

 

so, after running out of my prescription last Tuesday, I white knuckled it through a tough couple of days.  I actually started feeling rather happy on Saturday.  I was feeling like myself again and forgot how wonderful it was not to be paranoid and stressed and anxious all of the time.  Work is not as fun as it is on Adderall, but I love my profession so I know that motivation will return.  Well, yesterday morning I got a voicemail from the prescribing doctor's office to let me know my prescription was ready to pick up.  Grrrr, I spent so much time wrestling with it in my head until I just went and got it.  $15 later, I was 90/30 deep in legal speed and feeling even more stressed.  I took 1 30, screw it, threw another one in for good measure.  There I went.  Haha, when I got to the office, I did the following:

quickly cruised through email inbox

peed like 8 times

trained a new paralegal on her Outlook settings and even popped over to her cubicle to "revamp" her how inbox set up.  (wtf!!!)

finally, proceeded to re-do a checklist we use for work product in excel format - for 2.5 hours.  Oh, I finally figured out how to keep the "page break" look without the lame page number watermarks.

Ended up having to leave, which made me sad.  Proceeded to worry about nothing, google every random fucking thing that went through my head.  Micromanage my daughter while the thought "i'm such a shitty mom" ran through my head periodically.  Oh yeah, I also emailed some internet protection company about signs that someone installed spyware on my iPhone and how I can prove it

I then laid in bed last night, thoughts swirling through my head - and suddenly I noticed - they were all negative and bad.  they all had this undertone of self hate and suspicion of everyone.  I was suffering so much I began crying.  I knew - this drug has robbed me of my light and my happiness and my relationships and my life for almost 12 months and being off of it and feeling myself come back - only to take it again and experience the soul hijack - even my cat was looking at me funny.  FUCK THAT

I flushed those little assholes down the toilet and went to sleep.  I know, I know, it's bad to flush medication into out water systems.  but that was the only way.

yesterday evening SUCKED.  people at the stores weren't as friendly and they all seemed as though they knew, lol.  Well, I'm not cool with that feeling anymore

Now I know that this medication is terrible for me and is capable of ruining my life should I continue use. 

[bluemoon]

I thought you were pregnant???

[Frank B]

Do you have a bipolar disorder by chance? Your all over the place hope you find some peace.

[LILTEX41]

Maisy,

 

I am so proud of you.  The fact you caught yourself and threw away the pills is awesome and you need to pat yourself on the back.  Get some sleep and rest well knowing you slipped, but stopped it in time before you went spiraling out of control.

 

That is a huge victory!

[Beback17]

To Frank: no, I'm pretty even keeled. But I have noticed your passive aggression, I've noticed that the whole time I've been coming on this site during the last year.  you may want to look into that.

[duffman]

To Frank: no, I'm pretty even keeled. But I have noticed your passive aggression, I've noticed that the whole time I've been coming on this site during the last year.  you may want to look into that.

 

Frank is probably the most straight forward person on this board right now. He will speak his mind and I respect that. That's what I like about this message board - it's no bullshit. We're harshly committed to each other's success, and that means sometimes saying some things that need to be said and may not settle well with the person reading it, at least initially, but that kind of honesty is what we need to stay truly committed to bettering ourselves and ousting bad habits. 

 

What you seem to be doing is something called "shame dumping". Shame dumping is what someone does when they do something they perceive as wrong and instead of owning it, they lash out at others around them by saying how "bad" they are too. Frank wasn't trying to shame you or make fun of you, he was sharing his perspective based on what you typed. Your message seems to bounce all across the spectrum of happiness to depression. Besides, Adderall is an attractive option to people with bipolar disorder since it tends to push the person into a permanent manic state. I'm not saying you're bipolar, nor am I blindly siding with everything Frank says. But Frank isn't responsible for causing you to take Adderall.. he's not the enemy here, so don't attack him for sharing his perspective, especially when he concluded his statement with "I hope you find some peace". I too hope you find some peace, you seem to be in a very dark place right now. However, the night is darkest just before the dawn, so take what happened to you as a learning opportunity and never go back to those pills. Refer back to this message if you ever feel compelled to take Adderall again. 

[LILTEX41]

Insinuating someone has a mental disorder on a site about quitting "speed" seems a tad ironic, don't you guys think?  Come on guys.  We are trying to help one another get off this junk and none of us our doctors.  I was diagnosed with bipolar when I overdosed on this shit too.  Do I have bipolar?  Um, no, but on this drug I absolutely did.  

 

People come here looking for hope and encouragement from those of us who have been strong enough to resist this shit and get off of it for good.  I get the whole "tough love" concept, but does it really help to kick someone who's already down as it is?  Just please try to think about the things that would help you if you were struggling and how you would want to be treated.  That's all.  

 

Much love ya'll

[bluemoon]

Frank speaks the truth and that is why he is liked & respected by so many on the board. Sorry but I am with Frank on this one. I don't think he was trying to be mean at all.

Duffman is right. Shame dumping/gas lighting.. All of us addicts did it. 

 

Adderall abuse can mimic bipolar disorder. A lot of people do get misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder but they're really just in the middle of a deep and dark addiction. 

 

Lil Tex, I can see your point of view as well. I've had to bite my tongue a few times here because I didn't want to be mean. However, I do think Maisy needs some tough love ... as well as positive encouragement. But positive encouragement alone is just not going to cut it here. 

 

I remember when I was just on the brink of quitting but didn't know how to stop, it was someone's "tough love" message that woke me up and made me actually FINALLY follow through on quitting. I was so offended at the time when I read the post, but after thinking about it for a while, it honestly was the last straw and the breaking point for me to say goodbye to the pills for good.

[Frank B]

Maisy14 yes I can be a dick at times and I should consider my words more wisely wasn't trying to offend you but I had a ex who was bipolar and your writings kind of reminded me of her. Hell Im probably a bit bipolar myself this drug tends to do that to us and when I was using my emotions were a total roller coaster ride. Just didn't know if you maybe had that condition or if it was coming off the adderal again talking. Just FYI to quit adderal successfully u must cut of all options to easily get a new script call the pharmacy tell them your a addict no longer want them filled call your doctor tell him you want to quit and your abusing your meds. Until you do that saying your gonna quit is just all talk I tried myself quitting a few times not taking those drastic steps and failed each time.

[dadof3finallyfree]

I love the honesty of this site! it is why it works even to help non addicts dealing with adderall and pills and their families.  I went thru rehab when I was a young teenager for alcohol and pot and have been thru addiction a bit myself but nothing like what you all are going thru... I was just a stupid kid but I did the therapist bullshit and 12 step program for years and theres nothing that compares to this site anywhere. Your each others own honest therapist, not those fucked up ones with a degree causing more trouble then good.

 

Its just awesome how everyone wants to help each other with total honesty!  I get comfort reading not in peoples misery but truly understanding all angles off this crap drug.  Thanks for your honesty Maisy and Frank!  I said it before in other posts stepping thru a day in the life of someone on adderall so i can understand this shit for me and my little girls is so helpful its beyond words.  I learn something every time I come here.  Thanks for being on here and posting!

[Beback17]

I didn't lash out at Frank.  I returned the "brutally honest" favor and have him my straight forward view of his posts.  Look, I'm not on here to analyze each other and get analyzed.  I'm on here to let all of the crap that was going on inside of my head out.  I can't do that with my day to day peeps.  Sometimes people just need to hear - "I hear you, I've been there and I'm still alive.  You will get through this"  that's it.  Simple.

 

And Frank is, in my opinion, somewhat passive agressive. 

[Beback17]

And Frank - Yes, I can have roller coaster emotions when I am using or coming off of adderall.  I've had friends who are bi-polar, and that is a whole different ball game.

[Frank B]

"Look, I'm not on here to analyze each other and get analyzed. I'm on here to let all of the crap that was going on inside of my head out. I can't do that with my day to day peeps. Sometimes people just need to hear - "I hear you, I've been there and I'm still alive. You will get through this" that's it. Simple."

I think u need a puppy to talk to if you seek blind comfort and support. This is a support group to help people actually overcome this horrible addiction we do not all just give blind praises to one another when it's not warranted. I have been there and your outlook on short cuts, quick recovery and so far shared no long term plan to cut ties off to a new prescription just does not work.

Nothing about quitting this is "simple" the sooner you accept that fact the better chances you will have of not relapsing.

[Doge]

I'm sorry for the disagreement in this thread and I hope we can all get passed it.  Nobody here has anything but love for each other, even though our feelings may get hurt I severely doubt that was ever anyone's intention.

 

If I may chime in though with something I think is important here.....

 

When I first became aware that I was undisputedly addicted to adderall one of the biggest shocks to me was to admit to myself that the detox period (starts when you are strung out, probably been up for days, just took your last pill and know you won't have any more for several weeks or a month) was part of the ritual I was addicted to.

 

Sure I was addicted to the pills and hated running out, but the period where you just lie around in bed for 2 days, eating garbage junk food, watching netflix, and just recovering.....  I was as addicted to that.  I started to realize this when many of my cravings began with a memory of me stumbling through the kitchen in the dark grabbing food from the cupboard, only to stagger back to hibernate in my bed with my laptop.  That wasn't so bad now, was it....?

 

My point is that the feeling of sitting at your computer, typing out your story after a binge.  Sitting there with tears in your eyes pouring your heart out, as painful as it is, can become just another step in the ritual if you let it.  

 

At that point it won't be helpful at all, but rather just another thing you robotically do as if under the spell of another each time you run out of pills (or flush them).  

 

Hell, I could imagine being addicted to flushing pills, believe it or not!!

I could imagine myself portioning 200mg, planning out how I was going to pace them over the next 36 hours, and then setting a few pills aside so that I could flush them right before the crash.  This never happened to me because for the most part they were much too precious to me and I didn't want to waste a single one.  But everyone is different and creates their own ritual.

 

As monumental as that moment was for you when you gathered the courage and strength to do it, and as much of a victory as it was in that instant, adderall can steal even that from you.

 

The solution is to plan ahead and leave no possibility of relapse.  Phone the doctor and tell them whats up!  

[Adnana]

I found Beback17 post bordering on triggering me to remember my days on adderal when too I was happy and excited reviewing checklists and getting to understand outlook and all kinds of office work that i now find absolutelly boring and neuron consuming not worthy activities of my time. Now, Frank might have been a bit too harsh to throw away a word like bipolar around, but I found that it was protecting me from dreaming about that adderal productivity state. It is bipolar to go into such details about how adderal makes you productive, almost in a positive note, and then suddently just see the light and see it is wrong and bad for you. Anyhow, this is just my 2 cents. Reality is, recovery is tedious and anoying and slow, and it is also making me a bit pessimistic- realostic. But I ll take this pessimism any day over the sides effects I experienced towards the end of my use of adderal. Dry mouth, dry skin, dry soul, dry insides, dry  everything blah blah... I dont even want to remember. Pessimism can be changed If I stop reading posts that glamorize life on adderal, and that s why I stand with Frank. Life is beautiful when body start to function normally again:) 

[speedracer]

I enjoyed reading Beback17 post. It took me back to my own use and I related, especially about the negative thinking and having her soul hijacked. YUP.  So much productivity but is it worth the cost. The famous carpenter said, "What does it benefit a man to gain the whole world if he loses his soul?" 

I was surprised to see Franks post. Ouch  -  I didn't get that either. But ironically after I quit adderall my wife told me should thought I might be bi-polar and I should have it checked out. I was open to investigate and I even went to a therapist she found to talk about it. M y wife came with me. She expressed her concern. I kindly explained I was in the early stages of recovery from long term adderall use and it might be a good idea to wait at least six months before jumping to conclusions. To her credit, she totally agreed. One year later, my condition leveled out and my wife no longer thinks I  am suffering from that condition. Sure I have tons of other issues, LOL, but the bi-polar diagnoses was taken off the table. This site gave me the confidence and awareness to explain the recovery process and the time frame. Without it who knows, i might be taking medications for a condition I dont have. 

 

[DrewK15]

@speedracer good call in waiting 6 months to start out on any new meds. I believe that is a good practice. I think getting on another drug too soon can mess up the diagnosis due to early withdrawal symptoms. I waited 7 months before considering any meds. In my case I was mildly bipolar (more depressive really) and a small dose of lamotragine has worked wonders. No side effects and it actually helps me without changing me!