Relapse

[SeanW]

I’ve been hesitant to post this because it’s embarassing and doesn’t really matter what I say it doesn’t change anything. I relapsed for the past week. I guess I just want to warn anybody that it doesn’t matter how long you’re clean you have to be diligent and not give in. I now get to face, I’m sure, a nice period of stronger than normal depression.. I was doing so good. I was at nineteen months clean. I’ve been pressured lately to make a move on either going back to school or starting a different job. The stress got to me and I caved. Now I’m going to be in worse shape than I was starting these new obstacles in my life.. Do not relapse people. If you think you want to it’s just you’re mind playing tricks and let it pass. Love you guys, glad I have this community. Don’t let my relapse discourage any of you. 

[ladypantz]

Sean, no one is disappointed in you.  At least, I'm not.  You spread so much positivity around here.  I don't really know what else to say, except not to look at this as a failure.  You came so far, and your journey is not over.  You're bigger than this.  It's just a bump in the road.  I just came on here a couple weeks ago and one of the only messages I got was from you, and that meant a lot to me.  You can do this. <3

[SeanW]

Thanks @ladypantz means a lot

[DrewK15]

Hey Sean thanks for sharing. It may not feel like it right now, but your voice and experience does matter. I hope you’ll continue to share. Time to start a new streak and do something different this time!

[Frank B]

Sean I know right around the 2nd year I was actually calling around to find psychiatrist. Part of me was just saying I’ll be open to suggestions but I knew the real reason, I wanted to get back on adderall. I actually ended up calling someone off here who changed my mind so I never made that appointment. If you’d like message me I’ll give you my number. I dont have all the answers but be glad to help anyway I can sometimes it’s best to talk it out. 

[KimR]

Sorry this happened. It's something most of us have dealt with. Praying for you. Come out of it stronger! 

[Danquit]

Just stop taking them. You still have the 19 months of experience so you’re not starting all over. I also wanted to get back on at about two years because I thought I could handle it. That’s just Adderall tricking you. You can do it, you know where this road leads.

[hyper_critical]

Sorry to hear, Sean. Thanks for sharing. 

I went through a brutal internal struggle 18-24 months in, and I know I'm not the only one. Tremendous growth was just around the corner.

Get back on the horse. One day at a time. 

[SeanW]

My brain is so broken, I’m so broken. It sucks so bad. I feel permanently fucked. I was using so much other stuff along with the amphetamines during my drug days. I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace or grace. I can’t feel anything but pain. I can’t even fake that I care what people are saying. I just appear as an asshole with no expression but I try so hard to care, to be present, to engage but no matter how hard I try I just can’t. Life is so much harder when you can’t socialize or network or pay attention. It hurts to know I actually felt some relief this past week but I know it’s just a temporary fix. I’m already dependent on a drug for the lasting psychosis I gave myself. Part of me is like eventually I’ll be able to wean off the drug for psychosis and I’ll be clean and the other part is like fuck it I guess I’ll live my life dependent on drugs mine as well add one more. I know deep down my idea of happiness is drug free and homeopathic but part of me knows sometimes things break and they don’t heal, people have lasting sickness and disease and many people do have to depend on drugs to live. I’m just ready to give up or give in. Things just haven’t got any easier. I thought when I got a job and got out in public more I would get use to it and things would get easier but it’s been six months two spent in rehab the rest working and being out in public and every day is just as hard as the last. 

[DrewK15]

Hey Sean I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying here. The “If I’m going to be dependent on drugs, they might as well be the ones I want to take” thinking is something about I’ve really struggled with too. As hard as it is, try to be logical about it. Think about consequences. There’s a difference between what we want and need. I refused mood stabilizers for my bipolar II for years because I didn’t want to be dependent on them, opting to get drunk and high instead. That doesn’t make much sense. 

 

Hang in there!

[SeanW]

Yeah good point. If I wasn’t on the ap I’m on I’d just be compensating with alcohol and other drugs which are worse for my health not to mention illegal. I guess growing up I always took great pride in my own strength and independence and always did things in moderation and never had a problem going months without anything until fucking adderall. God damn adderall. 

[quit-once]

As I was reading some of your posts last week, I grew concerned that the depression and perceived lack of progress was getting you down.  The posts I remember reading were in response to other people's needs and struggles.  From what I know of you- just from reading your posts on this forum, you seem like a genuine, intelligent, and unselfish person and you have provided a lot of help to our newer members over the last two years.  I certainly don't think any less of you for fucking up and falling off the horse.

Let's dig in to the reasons for this relapse, no matter how painful it may be.  I remember reading that the depression was getting the best of you last week.  It happens this time of the year.   Your dad has been on your ass lately regarding work and school.   There is pressure to go back to school but you might not be ready to go back yet.  The job working with the public isn't satisfying you.  These are just the things that I gathered from your recent posts.  What else has been causing you to believe that going back on speed will give you relief or improve your life?  

From what I understand, the psychosis can return with a vengeance if you return to the dosages that sent you there in the first place.  That should terrify you.  Did you ever have any physical health problems during the later stages of your addiction?  They will come back as well if you did.  

How long do you plan to continue this relapse, and what kind of a plan do you have to quit again?  Do you have any local resources who can help you?  It can get pretty lonely and uncomfortable without some local support - like a counselor or a support group who understands your struggles.  Were there any lessons or tools you learned during your stint in Rehab that can help you now?  Would another rehab program benefit you now?  The fact that you had the courage  come here and tell us about this relapse speaks volumes about your sincerity and desire to quit for good, no matter how many times it takes you to finally kick this horrid addiction.  You can do this.  

[Cheeri0]

Sean your posts have helped me so much for the past year... whatever you do just don't leave us. This is a bummer. On the one hand I want to tell you that it's okay, relapses happen, etc. - but on the other hand I want to underscore how this thing could kill you. I know you know that so I'll spare you the theatrics, just know you're cared for. I really feel your frustrations. Keep muscling through though - you sound like you're struggling with isolation. What actions can you take (no matter how painfully awkward) to fix that? 

[SeanW]

Thank you for the replies.. a lot of my problems are emotional. I had a girl who I loved and completely trusted turn out to be a nightmare and emotionally manipulated me. Which part of me wants to not blame her because I was struggling with addiction but she didn’t help by any means.

No matter how addicted I was I ALWAYS put her first I was ALWAYS there for her I would do anything for her at the drop of a hat. I would drop anything i was doing at the drop of a hat for anything she wanted or needed. I always listened to her. I loved her no matter how bad she treated me because I saw the good in her when I was just me and her. If I noticed her falling into addiction and drug abuse I would of stopped at nothing to save her.

Unfortunately i couldnt do that for myself. She watched me disappear into nothing. We dated for 7 years I started the drugs at year 5 so we had many great years before. I sacrificed myself and broke my own heart because I didn’t honor myself. The love was unhealthy towards the end but I never knew how serious and bad it could mess me up.

 

So between that and the drugs I developed psychosis. I’m paranoid and have sever anxiety disabling me from connecting to anyone. I don’t even feel comfortable around family anymore due to the psychosis. I have no one. For the past almost two years I’ve been hoping that it would eventually change but now almost two years later I still can’t connect to anyone. I’m just so tired of hurting and not being able to let it out or share it because I’m too fucked up to connect to anyone.

 

My heart hurts everyday, I feel like I’m caring years of pain, years of abuse and I can’t cry I just hurt. I’ve just given up hope and said fuck it all. I’m damned to hell. I’m living in a hell. All the good years I had prior to drugs I never knew life could turn into a living hell. My brain won’t let me feel love. As soon as the world lights up and the mood lifts for just one moment my brain goes nope and it fades away and I disappear back into hell.

[Cheeri0]

Sean that sounds heartbreaking and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My experience, though, is that there exists NO problem that adderall wont make worse. Sprinkling amphetamines on depression never makes it more palatable.

Have you thought about 12 Step? I started going when I was feeling really desperate. All I did was watch netflix for 8 hours a day, and then go to a meeting for 2. Then back to depression napping for 14. That was my life. Meetings quickly became a reason to get out of bed which I desperately needed, and then I started making coffee for one of them. I was so socially awkward at first, my brain was so fried that I didn't talk to anyone for like 6 months. I forced myself to keep going though and eventually I started sharing the truth about how I was feeling and others could relate. I built myself a little support network that helped me make decisions that moved me forward.

Feeling the hurt is important - it's good that you're paying attention to your feelings. But actionable steps toward improvement are also important. Teeny tiny things. Brushing your teeth. Doing a load of laundry. Do those little things and throw yourself a goddamned party in your mind for being able to do them. We beat ourselves up SO much - we're fucking experts at it. Give yourself a break and stop berating yourself - talk to yourself like you would a two year old. Would you tell them they're damned to hell? It's just not true. Sorry if any of this is cliche, vent as much as you need.

[SleepyStupid]

sorry to hear this Sean - i too relapsed around the 20 month mark. seems to be a common point of difficulty for many of us, so don't beat yourself up over this. i know that you already know speed is not the answer. you also already know that any relief you're experiencing is temporary. you don't need a lecture on these things, but you mention love being a hugely complicating factor and i can definitely relate.

11 hours ago, SeanW said:

a lot of my problems are emotional. I had a girl who I loved and completely trusted turn out to be a nightmare and emotionally manipulated me. Which part of me wants to not blame her because I was struggling with addiction but she didn’t help by any means.

love is such a messy thing. at the height of my addiction, i was still deeply in love with my ex. she had helped me through my first attempt at quitting, but i think that experience really drained her. when i relapsed and she found out, that was honestly the end of our relationship, but i wouldn't come to terms with that for another couple of years. i think she continued seeing me out of guilt or pity, but as i grew more in love with her she grew out of love with me. i remember thinking to myself that "she always takes pictures of things, and i always take pictures of her." i don't think it was her intention to hurt me, but that's what it felt like at the time in my warped speed-addled brain.

no one can ever know the true nature of another's relationships, but what i can say with certainty is that there is someone out there waiting for you. you may not have met them yet, but they exist. i know this because meeting my current gf was the catalyst for my entire recovery. yes - love is messy and painful, but it also has tremendous power to motivate and heal. i'm not saying that you should stay clean for someone else, but when you hate yourself enough to give up, knowing that you're the best in the world at making that person happy is so powerful.

you may not be ready to get out there and find that person just yet, but for now just believe that it will happen. there will be love again in your future, and i truly truly believe that it can heal all wounds. (:

[oswhid]

From someone who was in a relationship with an adderall user: Do not trust your evaluation of this girl or anyone for that matter while you are on adderall.  If you are on adderall, your perspective becomes skewed. Everything becomes some one else's fault and when your gaslighting behavior drives them to act crazy, you use that to support your accusations that they are the one with the problem.  That's why I call it "blamerall".   If you really want to find true love and happiness in a relationship, you have to quit.  

1 hour ago, sleepystupid said:

  12 hours ago, SeanW said:

a lot of my problems are emotional. I had a girl who I loved and completely trusted turn out to be a nightmare and emotionally manipulated me. Which part of me wants to not blame her because I was struggling with addiction but she didn’t help by any means.

 

[oswhid]

14 hours ago, SeanW said:

We dated for 7 years I started the drugs at year 5 so we had many great years before.

I'm sorry SeanW if I come across as harsh but your post hit very close to home with me.  My husband and I were happy together for about 19 years (married 18) with three kids when he started taking adderall.   Almost overnight, I went from the love of his life to "a terrrible person", "controlling", "manipulative", "ruined our family", "bad mother", and on an on.  And that is just what he said to my face.  I can only imagine what all he told his friends and family about me.  Well before he became estranged from most of them too anyway. I'm sure he went on about how he always put me first and how I badly I treated him. Maybe what you saw as manipulation was her trying to walk on eggshells around a room filled with landmines. 

The good news is that even after 11 years of hell, we managed to salvage our relationship.  He has been off adderall for 30 months now.  In many ways our relationship is better than it's ever been because we take not one moment for granted.  Not to sugar coat it too much though, there is still a lot of bitterness and resentment on my part and denial and defensiveness on his, but we work hard everyday not to allow that to creep in.

The best way I can describe what adderall does to an existing relationship is suddenly every small past mistake or fault of the partner is suddenly 1000 times worse - things that weren't even a big deal at the time - and all of your past mistakes and faults disappear - at least in your own mind.

[SeanW]

I’ve made huge steps for me towards improvement but it’s not good enough for my dad. I’ve gotten a job. I’ve been there for family events. I do all my laundry, dishes and house hold chores on time daily. My dad wants to move out but I’m not making enough money yet. 

 

As as far as finding someone. I don’t feel I’ll be ready to love for at least another two years. I want to be able to be happy on my own and make sure I’m loving myself first.

 

As far as my relationship. I never blamed her, yelled at her, fought with her at all. What broke my heart was my friend finding her with another guy. And after that I couldn’t trust her but I still loved her and I took her back. I tried my hardest to trust her again but I kept catching her lying and when I did she would totally change and be so loving and nice for a few weeks maybe a month or two then I’d catch her lying again and the cycle would start over. I was co dependent. I didn’t know how to love healthily. At least you tried to help your husband. She just left me as soon as I stumbled. When I needed her more than anything she wanted me less than ever. I came in one night and she was sleeping so I went to pick up some food and fifteen minutes later when I returned she was gone. Haven’t heard a word from her since. She ended a 7 year relationship with zero closure. 

[oswhid]

SeanW - Sorry about the rant.  Needless to say I got a bit "triggered" by your comments.  Maybe your relationship wasn't meant to be and you are better without her....BUT you can never truly put someone first when an addiction is involved.    We all know what comes first to an addict.   I don't know how to stress to you younger people that the time it takes to recover - even if it's several years - will just be a blip decades from now.

[Cheeri0]

2 hours ago, SeanW said:

I came in one night and she was sleeping so I went to pick up some food and fifteen minutes later when I returned she was gone. Haven’t heard a word from her since. She ended a 7 year relationship with zero closure. 

This hit home. My boyfriend of over 3 years called me one night, and broke up with me hyperventilating in a 5 minute phone call. I reached out to him two days later asking "was that real? is this over?" His response: "Yes. I apologize for any pain this may have caused."

Haven't spoken since. It's been a year and a half. People can be fucking brutal. I wish I had comforting words for you but just know you're not alone. This shit sucks.

[Dazzy5467]

On 11/26/2018 at 6:21 PM, SeanW said:

I’ve been hesitant to post this because it’s embarassing and doesn’t really matter what I say it doesn’t change anything. I relapsed for the past week. I guess I just want to warn anybody that it doesn’t matter how long you’re clean you have to be diligent and not give in. I now get to face, I’m sure, a nice period of stronger than normal depression.. I was doing so good. I was at nineteen months clean. I’ve been pressured lately to make a move on either going back to school or starting a different job. The stress got to me and I caved. Now I’m going to be in worse shape than I was starting these new obstacles in my life.. Do not relapse people. If you think you want to it’s just you’re mind playing tricks and let it pass. Love you guys, glad I have this community. Don’t let my relapse discourage any of you. 

Thank you for sharing this with all of us on the forum. We all grow up, undoubtedly enough, from our mistakes when trying to quit this drug, especially with each relapse. It gets easier after each relapse, too, I can say upon reflection. Don't let this instance get in the way of your, as well as all of our, goals: quitting Adderall, ceasing and/or making it no longer a part of our lives. Good luck! This forum is absolutely invaluable, especially in the recovery process. 

I'm so greatful too be a member of this forum! 

Cheers to everyone!!!! 

 

 

[Socially awkward]

All I can say is that when one door closes another one opens. I think a lot of us have been there before and know how much it hurts. Took me about 5yrs to move on from my ex, I hung on to the pain and obsession, which i guess is an addiction in itself really. He used to cheat on me too and I kept taking him back knowing I couldn’t trust him. 

It doesn’t matter whether it takes you one yr or 10 to meet someone, you will when the time is right and you don’t need someone to make you whole. What I’m realising is you need to love yourself first before you can really love someone and be loved in return. I find from my own experiences and hearing others is that if you don’t have self love then you tend to be treated badly as you can’t be respected when you don’t respect yourself.

im new to this forum but your responses to my posts give me inspiration and hope when I felt at my lowest and ready to give up. Hang in there man, I know you can beat this! 

[SeanW]

I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who will love me as much as she did.

[Socially awkward]

@SeanW I know many people feel the same way. I don’t think I’ve every been loved before yet I have been in love and somehow managed to move on even though it took me a lot longer than the average person. 

I think we make the mistake of believing that everything has to be forever and as we are constantly evolving and changing perhaps certain people are not supposed to be in our lives permanently ? I have held on to feelings for ex partners and reunited yrs later only to realise that the fantasy I had imagined  was nothing like the reality. I only to regret clinging onto the hope of Reconciliation for so many yrs that I wasted other opportunities. You  are certainly capable of loving others and equally as capable of being loved in return. I don’t believe we are destined to be with one person all our lives.