Motivation_Follows_Action

Hi, I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain. We all have, this forum is full of amazing people who are struggling through together and helping each other, no matter where we come from or where we are in life right now. Have you quit yet? I wasn't sure from your first post...

Hey Ashley, how's it going on the relationship front? Did you get any closer to deciding what you want to do with your post-adderall love life?

Shingles OWWW! And yes, the strange health problems were nasty. My toenails and fingernails started breaking and flaking!?! And once I had a tooth crack right in half. That was fun to explain to my dentist, "no doc, I have Nooooo idea how that could have happened, it's not like any of my medication has changed or anything!" yeah, right.

Ok just to let you guys know I have an official scientific observation that PAWS episodes fucking suck balls That's my peer reviewed submission. Yes you can quote me.

oooohhhh aren't we all of the same mind... guidelines are for pussies, right?!

YES! I really relate to this. About a week after I quit I realized that I'd stopped doing one of my most fave things to do in the whole world. You see my subway crosses over the manhattan bridge every morning and evening on the way to/from work. Sometimes looking out the train window to the horizon would literally steal my gaze away from my blackberry, and cause me to pause and just BE. That never, ever happened on adderall. I just couldn't shut the noise out in my head long enough to take a deep breath and just "be". Hurray for the present moment! Wherever you are right now, take a deeeeeep breath, close your eyes, and breathe all the air out of your lungs. If you can do this without thinking a million other things (like, why-is-this-supposed-to-relax-me-i-have-shit-to-do) and you can genuinely appreciate the sensation of the air going in and coming out, then that, dear friends, is freedom from adderall. Such an amazing feeling.

Finding a good therapist is such a crapshoot. I had a really amazing shrink/therapist but there was a conflict of interest with my work so I had do find another one. Both of us were pretty bummed about it as he liked working with me, too. He used to say "if you're still coming to see me in 6 months then I haven't done my job properly". I hate the way some shrinks want you to see them on a weekly basis for the rest of your life. Parasites. Don't get me started...

Somedaydreamer your notebook sounds pretty awesome.... What do you mean by "noncontiguous" btw?

You're so right, and so real. Keep it comin' sista. Better out than in, as they say.

Ok try this again, tee hee . see at the end when you quote someone it says "quote"? Go to the END of that line, then hit return/enter twice or three times and then begin writing. Does that work?

So many of these things have whirred around in my head for such a long time, including the eating disorder stuff. I do think there is a correlation between women who take adderall and women with eating disorders. Makes sense - adderall makes you skinny. One thing you brought up is something I havne't seen on the boards much is about sex. I really am not sure about others' experiences on/off adderall with sex. Because of the depression that accompanies withdrawal, my libido has been pretty much at an all time low recently (also because weight gain doesn't make you feel like the most desirable beast in the world); but on adderall my sex drive would vary wildly - sometimes I was insatiable (maybe it was the disinhibitation effect of the dopamine?), other times sex felt like a huge waste of time. Maybe that's just me. One thing I will say is that emotion-accompanying-sex does return after you come off the adderall, and that to me is the best sex... I'm old-fashioned like that.

Good for you, Cat. After 23 days what are some of the cool little things you've been able to enjoy that you woulnd't have otherwise?

Just shows you that no matter what side of life we walk on, no matter if it's on a trading floor of a securities firm or an emergency room of a hospital or a prison; there are "rules" for behaving that can have the power to make someone feel accepted or rejected. Feeling like you don't know the rules is a lonely, disempowering place to be, and can drive people to all kinds of behavior that compromises their own personal integrity. I will be thinking of you outside your comfort zone. Your husband is lucky that you have stuck around where so many would not have. And that while he is inside, you're doing all this stuff to make it right on the outside. Does he know about your giving up? I hope along with your ability to recognize his pain he will also be able to celebrate with you your victory for 30 days over speed.

Do you have SOMEONE to talk to? That's really important.

Thanks everyone. Someday dreamer you reminded me, we haven't discussed this much but ampetamines are known to deplete magnesium stores, and a pretty important mineral for all kinds of reasons (anti inflammatory being one). I take it before bed, along with calcium which also makes you drowsy. Falcon, you're right I will be careful with the xanax. I need to have this conversation with my husband as well as he is going to the doctor this week to try to get his first prescription. In his case I do think he needs something as he really does have an abnormally high level of anxiety. More than me even and that's saying something!!

I think the way addiction and recovery manifests itself is different for everyone. For me, I was just terribly depressed rather than full of rage - the rage was part of my addiction, rather than my recovery. I wish I had an answer for you, but I can tell you for sure that I hardly ever turn in to the cruella deville that I once used to be on a daily basis.

canes, I know there is a lot of stuff out there on having a "manageable" adderall schedule, and that's where this site differs. All of us on these boards tend to agree with or have experienced the following: 1) Adderall is a highly addictive drug, much more than commonly advertised 2) All of us at some point became addicted to the drug to the point where it ruled our lives 3) All of us, if we could have our time again would NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF 4) It is far better to experience success through old fashioned means of discipline, hard work and consistency. These are lifelong habits that once cultivated will propel you in to success and happiness much later down the line I don't think you will find anyone here who will support you in your "controlled adderall use" approach. That's not because it doesn't work at all for anyone, it's just that it didn't work for us. There are PLENTY of forums out there for people like you, this one is specially for those of us who realized adderall when taken even in small doses has the capacity for taking over our sanity and effectiveness as humans. And that's why we're here. Good luck!

Heather, see that little box at the bottom of everyone's posts that says "quote"? (its on the far right, next to the "MultiQuote" button". All you have to do is hit that BEFORE you go to reply, and what will come up in your regular "reply" box is the text and a whole lot of programming language immeditately before and after the actual quoted text. It doesn't look any different, it won't appear in a fancy little box, it just will appear as text with some gobbledtechlanguage before and after it. Then all you need to do is move your cursor to the END of that text, after the bit that reads, "quote" and then your own writing will appear below the quote you want to refer to. Does that make sense?

Your description of your adderall addiction and its grip on you and then downfall is so very accurate. Even though we are no doubt a generation apart, there were moments of your story that brought back terrible memories for me. Especially when you had your final breakdown and the room felt like it was starting to close in on you, where every noise was terrifying, etc. That same thing happened to me but I was in a different country at a conference. Talk about terrifying. That whole event feels like a bad nightmare now.... I have thought about hypnosis to try to make me forget it, I still have lots of nightmares about it. I wish I knew the answer to your question about when it gets better. But you have to agree with me (as we are at around about the same place now) that you have some good days where you "remember who you are", right? Times when it's easy to just be in your own company, and you don't mind engaging with people (strangers in public, talking on the phone etc)? Cling on to those days, because that's the real you. You're lucky your boyfriend has been understanding and supportive, and that you have had the consistency of school to keep you going. Hold on to those things, they are threads that will support you as you continue to feel better. Those things will help remind you of the person that everyone else saw in you before adderall. Ask your family and friends to comment on how your personality has come back; don't be afraid of sounding narcissistic - I honestly believe adderall affects the part of the brain that impacts memory development and it's memory development that impacts how our character evolves. You are you, and you're more "you" today than you were yesterday. Congrats on staying off the adderall for so long. Hope the cravings aren't too bad and you take the good days with the bad! You should feel proud of yourself.

WHOOO HOOOO! YOU DID IT! Now all you need to do is sleep, and get through tomorrow. YOU CAN DO THAT TOO!

You don't seem like a raging bitch to me. And you're forgiven for any icky behavior for a little while at least. You are sick, and you're focusing on getting better. Be gentle with yourself.

ld, You get through by counting the hours until you don't have to get through and you can go home to bed. I think what Cassie and everyone has told you is right; you need to lower your expectations of yourself, at least at work for a few weeks. Can you arrange it so you can make up some excuse as to why you need to do the minimal amount of work possible? I know it sounds like a big ask but if you can do it, you will be grateful for the rest and allowing yourself to at least feel somewhat human in 2 or 3 weeks...

Thanks so much guys. Not such a great day today, no. I had the interview which didn't go well. I am sabotaging myself because I feel like I have really lost my edge. Honestly it's been over a year since I did a job where was "in the zone", highly respected for what I do, felt like I was a real expert in my field. I try to keep up with journals and market publications and things but it's very different from being in the hustle and flow of the workplace. I can't really count my last workplace as this, though, because the entire experience from day one was so tinged by massive adderall addiction that I have no real sense of what I did, whom and how I interacted with people, how I added value. Also I found out I didn't get that job I told you about a couple of weeks ago -- the one where I had taken 20mg adderall before the final interview. I am not sure why, they never give reasons really, fucking headhunters just say "oh you were great, we think we may have a better fit for you somewhere else though". Is it too convenient to say I can blame the adderall for my performance in the interview? Probably. Because it's a GREAT way of making sure I stay off the fucking stuff for. fucking. ever. I am sure, to sky's point, I will find maybe tomorrow is a better day. Another day, another job application. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely enjoy people and I find interacting with them on business issues to be strangely therapeutic when you get it right, but it is very unexciting for me to "tell mu story" over and over again. The modern day recruiting process is really very antiquated. But I am boring you. Anyway, Ashley I really appreciate you reaching out and FALCON yeah, I could do with that hug.

Does anyone have any recommendations? I've got a prescription for xanax that I really DO NOT want to start taking again. I've found the supplements for adderall withdrawal/replacement to be really helpful on this board so wondered what people take for anxiety? (I've tried chamomile tea and it makes me sleepy and smell like my grandmother so I would prefer some other suggestions?)

I think it's important to keep hold of this thread. Congratulations, I don't think you probably even realize the importance of what you have just done because maybe the cravings haven't really set in. When I was first "scared straight", I had NO desire to take adderall at all for the first, oh, 8 weeks. Now, I know if I had some I would take them (and as you all know I did such a thing). DO NOT REGRET THIS DECISION. Ever. In 3, 4, 6, 12 months time when you find yourself "wishing" you hadn't flushed all your pills, read this thread. It's not like throwing out a pair of shoes you didn't wear last season and then wishing you had them later on the next year when you buy something to wear them with. This is a REALLY important thing you've done - you've forever extricated yourself from a powerful, bad influence on your life. Gold star to you!