Motivation_Follows_Action

Em, honey. I really feel for you but just please re-read the sentence above. It's like saying you're going to eat pizza and chocolate cake and candy all day every day for nearly a month and then go on a diet. Do you really think you're going to: 1) want to go to rehab after all that binging on adderall, building up your addiction to a frenzy, not giving a shit about what it's going to do to you physically once you detox? 2) get the most out of rehab considering you're probably going to have the most INSANE cravings while you are there, and will just be biding your time till you get back out so you can start using again? and finally, 3) be able to get strong enough in rehab to want to really change your life when you get out? If you haven't been able to prove to yourself that you can live in the free world, outside of rehab, without adderall, xanax and weed, what makes you think rehab this time around will make it any different? I really do want the best for you but you have to be realistic. You're not in the right mindset for recovery. Not yet. Look: you've got 4 weeks before you go to rehab. How awesome it would be for you to enter rehab having had a month of recovery on your own, knowing you have the strength to get by at least the first few weeks alone. then you can make the most of your rehab and learn the skills you haven't learned the last 9 times. We can help you, but you have to start on your own. Let us know you're planning to quit before the 14th Feb, and we will be your cheering squad, we promise. As you can see by the way this community has supported me today, they really are a fucking fantastic group of people, if they know you really are committed to changing your life. ... so what's the plan, lovely lady? You with us or not? You flushing your pills tomorrow? Hey, it's not like you have anything to lose! The only person getting in your way is you. And you're smart, and you know it. You just got to have faith and commitment and do the hard work. Let us know what you decide...

I love you to pieces Heather but this one was lost on me, I'm afraid. Cultural references maybe? What's slinging hash? Who is Mr Spacey? What do you mean by the full sweep of the hacienda (it's poetic, by the way, I just have no clue what it means).... sorry my dear, I'm a cultural philistine...

I don't think there is anything wrong with renouncing it, so long as it is also accompanied by a realization of why you're renouncing it.... and that is for all the reasons you've all mentioned. Maybe we're just talking semantics. I get it, though. You have to accept and understand fully what you are renouncing - not just the drug but the evil that goes with it. Doing so can take you from a "shallow" anger-style-grieving-process to a fuller understanding of what you gain, as well as what you lose in the letting go process. Now I'm not sure if THAT makes sense! If any of you are finding yourselves in a relapse-type-situation nearly 90 days in, I can tell you, the act of popping a pill might be euphoric (for a couple of hours or so), but the crash is nasty nasty, and lasts hours and hours longer. I spent most of the morning in tears, with major anxiety and paranoia, and I'm sure a reasonable amount of that was the residual effects of the drug wearing off. My body has a strange reaction to it now that I'm effectively clean again (maybe not pure as the driven snow, but a lot closer to it than ever before)... the high is not as high as it once was (of course), but the low is fucking AWFUL and actually reminds me from how I used to feel when I partied a ton the clubbing scene when I first moved to New York, and used to do a binge on weekends on MDMA and coke. I would get home at 6am on Saturday morning, try to sleep, but usually just chain smoke until I felt suicidal. Seriously, folks - if you've gotten most of that junk out of your system, you don't want to feel how I felt today in the come down. Nasty stuff.

Ok I'm off to watch it right now. Diet coke, a tidy house (thanks to the cleaning lady which I cannot seem to part with despite having no income myself right now), heater on full blast. Wish I had a puppy on my lap. Switching phone off - fuck the recruiter, I'm taking control of my fucking Friday afternoon dammit!

Sniff, now you're making me teary-eyed! I'm just so grateful to have you guys around. I'm supposed to be back on the job boards today, making connections with people, back at it with a vengeance, hussling, but I just want to sit on the couch with my hoodie up and feel sorry for myself. Fucking adderall. Don't know whether to blame the stupid drug or myself. Thank you again, I am revisiting this page far more often than I should probably. It's like going back to the box of chocolates for a third, fourth time. Really, it's such a blessing to hear that the rest of my entire life isn't doomed (even though my gremlins are particularly loud today). And Cassie, you're right - that's one thing about America that I love; and have always said. The people of this fine nation have more individual determinism than I've seen in any other country in the world (and I've lived in 4 different countries). Maybe I should use this time off to finally get around to getting my citizenship! (I have a green card). Studying for that test can't be toooo hard, can it? Be a good test of whether my memory is returning, I guess... and will take me off the writing fancy cover letters, spending my day on LinkedIn, talking to headhunters blah blah blah...

I like the titles of your posts. They keep me smiling :-) Hang in there... proud of you...

If you're in the fitness industry you must know a lot about nutrition and supplements, yes? There are lots of things that you can take that will help with the energy loss, hunger etc. Sure they may not be the same as going natural but they're a lot better than taking adderall? I can imagine the pressure you are under and probably put yourself under to be always in the gym surrounded by people who are obsessed with their image/looks. It takes a very strong person not to be affected like that. Just remember that everyone is looking with envy at everyone else.... the obese guy looks at the normal guy and wants to be him, the normal guy looks at the musclehead and wants to be like him, the musclehead looks at the brainyac and wants to be like him, and on and on we go. You are you, fat or thin, or in-between. The girl you need to accept is the one in front of the mirror, today, the one who lives in your body. You are lucky. You are fit, healthy and have a job you like. Try to think about the positive things you have going for you -- write them on post its and stick on the mirror! and tell your gremlins to shut the fuck up. You can do it! How do I know all of this? Because I'm a woman. And we all feel like you. Hugs EDIT: Have you seen this cartoon? http://theoatmeal.com/comics/gym

All this support and wisdom is really beyond appreciated. I agree with all of it... even you (mostly), QuitOnce... I really could do with the job and it would be a tremendous boost to my confidence even though if I do get it, I won't be able to look myself in the mirror and know it wasn't without the help of my little orange frenemy. I'm home now and have flushed the other pills. I even went through the rest of my desk drawers and nightstand and under the bed and anywhere else I thought they might be. I want to know I can do this on my own. One thing Occasional1 you said is absolutely bang-on: there is something adderall does in the latter stages, it should be in the phase 6-8 on that other post... it strips away your ego, your sense of who you are and what you offer to the world. I had no idea what that even meant before adderall, but when my sister came to stay and saw me in the first few weeks she was in tears because she said that I just had "disappeared" as a person. Let it be a lesson to me and maybe others -- even if you think you have the firmest grip on recovery, that you think you've kicked this thing and it's beyond you, adderall is a liar of a mistress and will tell you you're nothing without it, especially at the most trying of times.

You've got a lot going on, em. Do you have a plan on quitting? You have quite a story ...

Thanks so much you guys. Means more than you will know. More soon.

It's taking a lot of courage to post this today. But I said I'd be honest, and I may be a fraud and a a failure but I'm not a liar. You guys know I have been looking hard for a job. This process is exhausting, mentally and psychologically, because I am still pretty early in recovery and my self esteem is pretty low, the mental fog hasn't really lifted altogether yet and I screwed up so badly towards the end of my last role that it's like facing my biggest fears every time I go in to interviews. I basically have to compartmentalize and pretend all that shit didn't happen to me a few months ago... that I didn't turn psycho, embarrass myself professionally and kill my reputation, end up in a psych ward and that my career is totally ruined. Nope, I have to hold my head high, walk in to each discussion bright and breezy, be the perfect professional. The whole thing feels sometimes so fake. I've applied for and gone through the interview process for 4 big roles. Each one of them has gone well the first and second rounds, and I've sabotaged myself in the last round... the one that counts. It is so tiring and frustrating. About 3 weeks ago I got a call about a role that honestly, was my dream job. Something I couldn't have even wished for - exactly the type of thing that fits my skill set, that I've wanted to do my whole life, that I didn't know actually existed. It was a stretch, that's for sure, even if I hadn't completely fucked up my career before. I was so excited and so nervous. I got through the first 2 rounds fine (one with a recruiter, then the hiring manager). I was so nervous every time the phone rang to see if I'd make it to the next step. Well, this time I did. Adderall free and everything! I was to meet the President of the firm, someone actually I have looked up to and admired from afar my whole career. Someone who you only get one shot with, and it is a make or break moment. The last 4 days for me as you know have been bad PAWS days. Almost impossible to get out of bed, depressed, anxious, hopeless. My big interview was yesterday, and I woke up feeling worse than ever. Probably worst I've felt since the first month. I was full of negative thoughts and self talk, why would anyone want to hire me, I'm such a failure, I've lost my edge etc etc. I knew I needed help. Interview was at 10am. I had a feeling there were a few adderall pills left in the bottom of a hat box in my study, and honestly I just couldn't resist. Honestly, it's the first time I've looked. I felt like a guilty junky going there. There were 3 little orange pills staring up at me. I needed to feel confident, happy, on my game. I really felt like there was no alternative. I took half at 8:00 and another half at 9:45. I think I did ok in the interview, although I probably talked too fast and too much. But there were times when I thought, "wow, that's a smart thing to say.. where did that come from'? And the meeting with the President seemed to go ok but as usual with people as senior as this it is very hard to tell. I said some smart things, I probably blathered on a bit. Honestly, I have no idea how it went. Was I too high even to be able to have appropriate self-moderation and emotional intelligence to garner the right messages in the interview? Ugh... the circle of self-analysis and post-mortem nit-picking I am capable of really is quite astounding sometimes. Then I went home. And the crash started happening. Absolute frustration with myself, annoyance that the one time it counted I couldn't have the guts to stand alone and take it on myself. I was so anxious, so jittery, so fucking annoyed at myself. I spent the afternoon walking around the house, pacing, anxious, eventually crying. And I haven't heard back from the recruiter, which is probably bad news. I was told this would happen pretty quickly, and I was one of only two finalists. This is not good. I am so worried I may have fucked up the biggest opportunity of my life. And I am annoyed that I didn't have the strength to get through without the fucking pill. Such a love-hate relationship. I am very disappointed with myself and I think you guys are about to give me a lashing which I probably deserve but really, really don't want right now. Just a big virtual hug would be great. Yes I still have 2 pills left. I know, I know. They will be flushed later today (I'm at starbucks right now), don't worry. This addiction thing has got a vice like grip on me, and no I didn't quit just once. It was day 84 clean yesterday, and now I have to start again. Please be kind. I'm sorry.

Feeling adderallish sounds pretty good to me right now...

Hey sky, if it makes you feel better I have been feeling pretty shitty the last few days as well. Hang in there.

For me it has become the opposite - adderall made me completely OCD about my appearance. I would spend over an hour getting ready in the morning, doing hair and makeup etc. I am happy to know that there are more important things inside than outside. But as you can see no matter what the outcome, life is actually about balance. Balance is impossible when your brain is imbalanced, simple as that.

Sounds like a good plan. Won't it be nice to commit to each other knowing every decision you are making is done with a clear mind,not crazy on adderall?

Yay Falcon - send some of that light East, would you? I could do with it today and tomorrow...

As you would say, InRecovery, STAY STRONG. You should feel super proud that during your weakest moments (under stress, time pressure, change and an unfamiliar environment), you have kept away from feeding your addiction. And that's on top of it being quite literally right under your nose. Talk about strength! I find this story really motivating, actually. I am going through something now that is requiring a tremendous amount of strength and it's very stressful. The cravings have been insane (honestly I don't know if I'd found that random pill lying around today I would have flushed it...). Knowing you're staying strong has made me stronger, so thank you. And congratulations. You're at the beginning of your new life!

Cool, I'll check it out. I like the soft side of us that comes out when the adderall-hardness wears off.

Ooh that sounds much better. But then you don't really hear about the "enlightenment-age crisis" do you? I had a friend of mine officially "welcome" me to my middle age crisis the other day.

I think you've just officially defined what "Day 8 on Adderall withdrawal" looks like. El sucko mucho = brilliant!

Hold on to that. As you get further away from your last pill, you will forget that feeling, especially as the cravings hit... you'll remember the original clarity and brilliance you felt way back when, and you'll most likely forget the shitty horrible feeling you felt more often than not. Addiction has an awfully selective memory.

... which means that Sky, you and I are almost twins... I turn 40 in a month. Honestly, I can't WAIT to put my 30s behind me... all that angst and striving and pressure I put on myself.... Hurray for all that wisdom and grounding that comes with the entry of middle age. I love being the age I am. I must be the only woman in this country to feel this way, if the media is to be believed.

Ambien isn't a benzo, but I mentioned in a previous post that a lot of research hasn't been done about it and I think it's really really bad news. I have been on it for longer than I was on adderall (maybe 5 years?) and it's v psychologically addictive, you think you just CAN'T get to sleep without it. You were v strong to try to quit ambien and adderall at the same time. Personally I almost think ambien is more insidious a drug because almost everyone I know takes it, they joke about their ambien sex and ambien dreams and what not, but it is positively correlated with depression and memory loss. we need a quitting ambien.com! I wonder if the depression and brain fog I've been feeling these last few days is because of the ambien withdrawals. Honestly I will be so fucking glad to get all these residual chemicals and withdrawals OUT of my system so at least I know I'm at my "baseline best", and if I'm sweating at night (lots of this the last 2 weeks) or tired or depressed, it's not because of a drug.

I need this. I have started putting bottles of 5 hr energy on the nightstand.

Smiling as I'm reading this... thanks for making my day in return!