Motivation_Follows_Action

Hey congrats so much that despite "foaming at the mouth", you didn't relapse. The Kyle of a few weeks ago would have, and it would have set him right back to square one again. You've just accomplished something fantastic. Now keep going and don't fuck it up!

First of all, congratulations on making it this far. You're going through what is probably the lowest part of your recovery, at least it was for me. Everything sucked - I was lonely, bored, hungry, sad, tired ALL THE TIME. I had awful cravings that honestly are still there sometimes. I found the following things helpful, and still do, to be honest: - Take the supplements suggested in this forum. Particularly L Tyrosene and HTP-5, which aid the restoration of serotonin and dopamine receptors - Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, Coffee. Some people think this is "cheating" but I think it's "helpful". I still can't really get going in the morning until I've had a Red Bull and a strong coffee. - Antidepressant medication and talk therapy. Having someone to talk to about how down I was, a "voice of reason" if you like, has been really helpful and sometimes lifted me right out of a really dark place - Not being too hard on myself. This is always the hardest, as we adderallics can pick ourselves to pieces generally, especially when we've gone from "perceived superhero" (at least in our own mind) to "depressingly normal" in our behaviors and actions. Self acceptance is the key to recovery, or so I'm told. Congrats to you again, you're right at the point you need to be and everyone here will tell you... it DOES get better! Welcome and we hope you join us in our little community, and help others along the pathway too. being here has helped me relapse, and some days I've done nothing but read this site and post to this forum. STAY STRONG.

Ok so this is a bit geeky. No, it's really geeky and a bit art-therapy-ish, so forgive me and if you think it's bullshit I understand. I've been reading a lot about people's journeys in the recovery path. There are so many aspects to it -- mental, physical, psychological, social. And everyone's journey is similar but different at the same time. I love reading about people's journeys, especially those who fight through the shitty days and shout from the rooftops on the good days. So I decided to apply a little technique I learned once from someone I used to work with. Just to put on one piece of paper kind of what the journey has looked like for me. I created a simple chart with 3 lines (below) to show how things have gone over the first few months. BLACK LINE: to represent my mood (motivation, sense of humor, give-a-shit meter); RED LINE: to represent my perceived mental function (reasoning skills, logic, task completion, concentration & focus, memory) GREEN LINE: social function (interest/enjoyment in social activities, confidence, empathy) So as you can see, it's been a wobbly path and not altogether reasonable - just like we hear recovery is supposed to be. In particular, for me, my mental faculties have taken a LOT longer to restore themselves than I would like. But if you look at the progress over time, there is an upward trajectory. I'm sure there is science to all this, but this is my geeky attempt to visualize the internal stuff. I hope it is helpful and wanted to share it here in case anyone would find it helpful.

This thread is all over the place, but I just re-read this (don't know why I missed it before) and wanted to let you know that your story (amongst others') was one of the main reasons I joined this forum. You were the first person to ever respond to my post - I thought I was losing my mind - and share your life's story. The fact that you went from taking nearly 30X what I'd been taking to quitting cold turkey and then being so successful, together and cool, all gave me such hope. Congrats again, InRecovery. And thank you for changing my life.

So, SearchingSoul - You've had input from at last 9 or 10 people here, ranging from pragmatic suggestions to gentle encouragement to downright WTF-are-you-doing-with-yourself tough love. But we haven't heard back from you. What's the plan, lady? Maybe now is not the right time. Fine. Just remember that the only way out is through...

I was just thinking about that very thing today. I was forking out $26 for supplements at GNC and thought ugh, I hope this isn't a waste of money... then I thought about how much I spent on drugs last year and felt better. That's awesome Quitonce. Yet another reason to stay sober - it's much cheaper!

Just as your tolerance builds up with every other aspect of adderall, so does the metabolism. Your appetite getting back to normal is very much part of the tolerance process. I'm sure if you took double your dosage you would lose your appetite again (not that I am recommending this!).

WTF do you mean you relapsed last night???!!! On adderrall? I know what you mean about getting worried if you don't hear from folks. Whoami, Mike, SearchingSoul, Krax, roxbury, hope you guys are all doing ok and staying strong (you're the ones who come to mind recently). And Debbie is still v much in my thoughts.

Just FYI coming back to the topic of working out... I am finally starting to get some real motivation to get back in the gym and get my diet sorted out. I know I'm going to get some raised eyebrows here, but here goes: I went grocery shopping for the first time in over a year this morning. I haven't cooked for nearly 2 years. Delivery or eating out for every single meal... maybe it sounds fun but really, it's gross: you have no idea what kind of crap goes in kitchens in New York City, you're entrusting your digestive system to the vermin sometimes I'm sure. Anyway, I've committed to doing this 3 month plan: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/jamie-easons-livefit-introduction.html ... and am off to the gym later today. I have been trying to go somewhat more regularly but didn't meet the 5x/week target I aimed for when I first wrote this. yet. Anyone feel like joining me in the training plan? I'd love a workout buddy...

You go lea! 5 days in to recovery, and you're even up and about. I barely moved until day 7, much less being able to come online and type something. Hang in there, lady.

Vulnerability is something we usually deplore in ourselves but respect in others... I love being able to be vulnerable and yet safe with this awesome crowd. I used my last "like" of the day on you, sky. I hate rationing those things!

Quit-once-again-you're-right.... I re-entered psychosis shortly after I quit adderall on a night of drinking and little food. I haven't had a sip since then; yet another thing I am scared straight about.

You are really, really tough on yourself. Life throws us some pretty nasty shit sometimes, but promise me you'll stop throwing more shit at yourself. You will, can and I hope do give up soon... till then, just try to take each day as it comes and in the back of your mind, come up with a plan about giving up for good. Maybe your first vacation from work in a few months?

Yeah. You're not supposed to drink at all and take antidepressants. Do you find you got kind of a messy drunk too? Slurring your words even though you didn't feel that drunk, etc? I'd just be v careful, alcohol and wellbutrin for me also incited some pretty significant disinhibitation, and I know I have had problems with memory but there are some nights that even after only 2 glasses of wine, I couldn't remember what the hell I'd done the night before.... And whatever you do, don't mix wellbutrin with tequila.... unless you want to be throwing up for 24 hours straight...

I just re-read where this thread began and I feel dreadful. Debra must think we're assholes - she was really suffering and this thread ended up with us joking around. We have a lot of fun on this forum, but I hope she doesn't think we are discrediting the pain and suffering she was going through a few days ago. The last thing we would want is for her to think we don't care and to have gone back to using. Debra, how are you feeling now? We really care and hope you're hanging in there, getting some rest and not being too hard on yourself...

Thanks for coming here, that's brave of you, as some folks here are real hard asses in the tough love department, and that can be sad and scary. All I want to know is... what's your plan for today? As it says on the site here, you need to PLAN to quit. Living and working on one hour's sleep is just not going to cut it, and you will have no other option than to use, even though it's a lose/lose proposition. Please have a think about it and reply. If you don't have a plan, you won't quit. Simple as that.

Wow, I honestly have to say that is probably one of the saddest stories I have ever read. Your addiction had such an evil grip on you that you couldn't recognize that your baby would be born not only severely underweight but also addicted. What a fighter your child must be -- to be born at 5.6 oz, addicted to amphetamines - and yet to be healthy and well today. And he does sound like a good little boy... he's fought for you so you are fighting this addiction now for him! This story hits home to me because I've never had kids. I'm 40 in a month and the likelihood is slimming that I ever will. I was/am a very career driven woman and children just never entered the picture (also I got married a little later than most). While I was on adderall, I miscarried - it was the only time I have ever fallen pregnant. I was relieved to be honest, because my life was not where it needed to be and I knew it. I was in no place to be able to raise a child. Who knows, if I can stay clean long enough maybe we will try again. It's fun practicing at least!! And good to know that I'm getting a healthier body to be a mother if indeed we do go down the IVF path...

Ashley, thanks and interesting to know. I did come off Ambien a week ago so I'm wondering if that has any carry-over or residual effect.

Congrats on being clean for 2 months! Hope you are doing ok, if you want to share your story we would love to hear... stay strong.

Whoa dude! Maybe we are psychically connected...

That is weird. The rituals of getting prescriptions filled seem to be embedded in our addicted brains. I think from what I know about addiction, there are two highs associated with drug taking: the first is the thrill of the chase -- getting access to the drug (the silly elated feeling we have when we have the script in our hands or the pharmacist's paper bag in our handbag or whatever), and then the drug itself. This is the same for all junkies I think. Ever heard "waiting for my man" by the Velvet Underground? All about scoring (heroin in that instance). Speaking about dreams though: I was actually going to post a question to the forum today about this because I don't remember seeing it elsewhere. I've been having terrible nightmares for the last couple of weeks. Like every night. The usual stuff - house being broken in to, catching my husband in bed with another woman, being chased, being abandoned etc. No adderall dreams though. Has anyone else experienced nightmares in their recovery?

Oh, this is a really sad story!

TY! Here's what I think of when you explain it:

Hey when is your wedding?! There's a lot of pressure on you right now, i can only imagine. Doing recovery and wedding planning at the same time must be pretty exhausting. Let us know how you're getting on. And congrats on your engagement.

Remarkable for me to think that the one night you have to yourself in weeks, especially given all you've been through, you dedicate to an evening of emotional and spiritual challenges. I am so proud of you, lady. So proud.