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    Still figuring this one out

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  1. Boston

    Hi All! I, too am in the Boston area and have been off Adderall (with 1 small bump in the road) for 7 months now, as well as benzos. I'm involved in AA, but as others have mentioned, sometimes I just can't relate to the stories of alcohol abuse. I used adderall to stay alert, do more work, better, faster for my job, stay focused, stay up late at night, to the gym, lose weight, and generally function at an abnormally high level as a member of society. Alcoholics' experiences seem to be the opposite. They used it to relax, party, loosen up after work, and typically report stories of embarrassment and hangovers. Anyway, I would love to meet up with anyone in Boston or in the suburbs of Boston. We can both complain and motivate one another together..I've already connected with a few of you, but let's get an email list going. (Perhaps off of the forum because the forum is a little wonky to use)
  2. @psychgirl617 - so glad you shared this. I, too, was using adderall for weight, basically using it to put my eating disorder on 'hold.' Since being off of Adderall, I've again struggled with food addiction and body image. Good to know about Renfrew. I actually first heard about Renfrew from an HBO documentary called THIN. You should check it out if you haven't already seen it. I'm also familiar with McLean's because I used to live just outside of Boston near Belmont, MA, and people always said how nice their program was. Do they only have a detox unit, or do they also have a residential 28-day? I detoxed once in 2011 at Adcare (a hospital outside of Worcester). It's absolutely terrible so stay far away. If you ever end up needing a good 28-day program for addiction...check out Silver Hill in CT (since you're in Mass)--it seriously saved my life.
  3. Netflix Ideas?

    Prison Break is phenomenal. I binge-watched that entire show, start to finish. You're so lucky you haven't seen it yet! Scandal is also awesome, I haven't seen Marco Polo. Watching bloodline right now. Intense so far.
  4. @grumpycat- I love your story! Thanks for sharing :-) It's kinda fun to look back and think about the first few days of sobriety and how far we've come. I'm honestly always so amazed when I hear people's stories about detoxing at home and doing it on their own. They takes tremendous strength and willpower. I could not have gotten clean without a program telling me what to do, when to do it, etc. We're pretty close in our sobriety time! Keep up the good work :-) This past week I was thinking about going back to addy to control my weight----but then I found this forum, and I've eliminated that thought from my mind.
  5. Wellbutrin 300mg Provigil (Modafinil) 200mg Seraquel for sleep 250mg I highly recommend the first two for depression
  6. " Drug addicts don’t look like they used to.†(The NY Times article). Aint that the truth!
  7. I look like crap!

    @catw66-- You're totally on your way to looking great again. I've had a lot of people come up to me (now that I'm clean) and tell me how much better I look. They comment on my skin, my hair, even the light in my eyes. You will get there..you're just 10mg away. And the best part is that as soon as you're clean, you'll notice changes in your appearance almost immediately. You don't have to wait long. Keep that image of you as a memory though, to deter you from ever going back to that place.
  8. Did you detox at home? In a hospital? At a friends? What was it like? Tell your story~ I detoxed at Silver Hill hospital in CT. I detoxed from benzos as well as adderall so I was put on a ton of valium to begin with. This hospital is/was amazing. The taper was smooth, the staff was amazing, and they treated us addicts like people. (I love spreading the word about Silver Hill to anyone on the east coast who is thinking about detoxing or doing a 28-day program. If it weren't for SH, I would not be sober today.) In 2011, I detoxed in MA at Adcare, which was the most painful experience of my life (do not go there!) Silver Hill showed me that I could live without adderall. I decided their 28-day transitional living program, which was focused on DBT.Their staff is amazing. Their doctors, nurses, counselors, psychologists are all top-notch. Their program/education is packed with great therapy and tools to use during early sobriety. They keep you busy. Their food is amazing. They have yoga :-) If you'd like more info, message me!
  9. Thanks @greg- I needed that reality check. And that extra boost to keep going. I'm disgusted by Vyvanse's marketing. They're basically seeding all of this awareness behind BED so patients can identify and ask their doc about the drug..and we all know how that story ends! On a side note- I love this forum, these peeps and the support. I'll 'keep coming back" :-)
  10. In the beginning of this year, the FDA approved Vyvanse for use in treating Binge Eating Disorders (BED). They say that the reason Vyvanse is effective for treating Binge Eating Disorders (BED) is because: a. It suppresses a user's appetite, making it easier to eat normally (or eat less food than normal) b. It helps control a user's impulsivity, which can often lead to binge eating. As someone with a mild case of Binge Eating Disorder (I binge-eat on 'cheat foods' about once a month pretty heavily for 1-3 days) as well as someone with an Adderall addiction (I am 6-months sober!), this article left me wondering if just maybe, I could give Vyvanse a try and I'll be fine taking it. Just maybe I won't get addicted, and I'll be able to overcome this eating problem at the same time. These are my thoughts: Maybe Vyvanse isn't as addictive as Adderall, and I won't abuse it. The suffering I feel from binge-eating is unbearable sometimes, and I don't know how else to overcome this food addiction. So maybe my only option is Vyvanse, to relieve me from this disorder? Even if Vyvanse is as addictive as Adderall, and I get addicted, at least it will help me stop binge-eating. I wonder if addiction to Vyvanse/amphetamines wouldn't be as painful/difficult as my addiction to food. In both addictions (drug and food), I withdraw from society, I isolate, I become anti-social and lonely, edgy and irritated with people, and my life generally becomes unmanageable. At least with Adderall, I still have the energy/motivation to get things done? After I binge, I stay in bed all day and usually fast or restrict calories until I feel recovered enough (from the binge) to get up and do what I need to do. Usually right after binges, I am too embarrassed to see people, because I think they can notice the weight I've gained from the binge Also, after I binge, the depression is unbearable. Sometimes I even feel suicidal. I can't stand to look at my body, and I don't like the feel of my body after a binge--i wish I could crawl out of my skin or sink into the floor boards until my body detoxes. After I recover from a binge, I feel OK, but it's those 3-5 days right after a binge that make me really question whether or not I should suffer through this anymore. After a binge, I always question whether going off Adderall was the right decision. If it could help me not think about food, and help me think about my body image in a more positive light, then maybe it's worth the addiction? Intellectually, deep-down inside, I have a feeling that I would abuse Vyvanse just as much as I would abuse Adderall, and I would end up in the same situation as I am now.. Does anyone else wonder whether they'd rather suffer from their issues around food, or suffer from an addiction to adderall? Does anyone have any experience getting sober from Adderall, then trying Vyvanse? Is Vyvanse just as addictive? Does anyone else suffer from bingeing, and then feeling incredibly depressed for several days after that? I can't seem to end this cycle, no matter how many times I tell myself that I will 'never binge-eat again,' I do it anyway. Usually within 3-4 weeks. It's as if I have no control. I am currently taking Wellbutrin for depression, which seems to help with my mood/energy level a bit, and I was prescribed Modafinil to help with motivation/energy/focus. I currently go to AA meetings (even though my problem is with Adderall and Benzos), and I have a sponsor. I would recommend the program to anyone I'm not religious, and I was very skeptical at first, but it has helped keep me sober. Thanks for listening -Stillbreathing
  11. Binge eating...

    Lunax, Not sure if you still frequent this site anymore, but I can totally relate to what you said here. I basically used adderall as a way to control my weight. I was able to pop a pill and eat *just one* cookie. I ate like a bird. Now, off adderall, if someone puts a cookie in front of me, I need to eat an entire tray. I don't have as much willpower, but that's something I need to learn to do now that I'm off drugs. I loved using adderall to binge eat for a day, and then have a week gauranteed where I wouldn't need to eat. It was just so easy to keep up my body. That's the thing I miss most about adderall, is the weight maintenance. Eating disorders and addiction go hand-in-hand because eating disorders *are* an addiction. Also, not sure if you've heard this before, but women with ADHD are more prone to eating disorders because of the impulsivity that comes with ADHD. So, double whammy. Also, the FDA just approved Vyvanse to use in Binge Eating Disorders. I guess bottom line is: we have a lot of obstacles to overcome, and a lot of things to re-learn (like how to eat healthy and exercise and stave off binges and not give-in to cravings), but it's doable. We can do it!
  12. My Story

    I definitely have a "built-in forgetter' now that I've been off adderall for 6 months. Meaning, all of the reasons why I wanted to quit 6 months ago are completely forgotten. I wish I had made a list of how I felt, or what was wrong in my life while on adderall, but I didn't. Sometimes I think only a relapse will help me remember how bad the drug was. But, I'm reading what other people (like you) have to say about how bad the drug made you/your life, in hopes of remembering some stuff. Thanks for the post!
  13. Netflix Ideas?

    I could not have written a better list myself. I second all of these.
  14. Adderall and Eating Disorders

    Thank you both so much for your posts. I can relate to both of you guys. I can't stop thinking about food, and I can stop thinking about Adderall. Both ruin my life equally, and I do feel like I want to die sometimes. I will take your advice and try to hang in there. I thought that things were supposed to get easier in sobriety, but gaining this weight and struggling each day to keep weight off , without the help of adderall---it's so hard, and there's just nothing worse than that. It makes me sooo depressed. It doesn't help that I'm unemployed right now, and have nothing to think about but my body. The fact that adderall is a quick fix to get skinny again is just so tempting. I feel like I'm going to give in at any moment. It's like I'd do anything to be thin again...even if it meant relapsing. All i can do is take this day by day...and today I'm not going to give in to stimulants, I'm going to stay the course.
  15. Hi there-- I'm 6 months sober from adderall. I used adderall to avoid a pretty severe eating disorder (binge eating/bulimia) which has come back in full force now that I've stopped taking stimulants. I'm miserable right now..terribly unhappy with my weight and with my body image. I am basically suffering from an eating disorder addiction as opposed to suffering from a drug addiction. I guess the question I keep asking myself lately is..what's more painful? Living day-to-day with an eating disorder and terrible body image? Or living day-to-day dependent upon stimulants? If anyone can relate to my situation, I would love to connect. Thanks for hearing me out :-)