resetBrain

I hope somebody has a more profound answer, but all I got right now is "one foot in front of the other."

2.2 mi @ lunch. Baby steps.

1Bad88, I think it counts since you just needed to troubleshoot the one voice line, but I still hate zip ties on a rack and I still replace them with velcro ties whenever possible!!!

Ugh. Very slow start. .8 mile dog walk yesterday. 1.32 mi walk at lunch today.

Waaaaah. OK, 14, but can we start the week on Sunday?

idmcniel, So sorry you're having to deal with this. So many of us are struggling to pick up the scattered and shattered pieces of ourselves and put something back together, and have either gone through this situation or are afraid we will. This job loss sounds nothing less than devastating. Based everything else I've seen ZK post here--honest stuff, supportive stuff--I'm pretty sure "sucks dude" is meant the same way. Honest and supportive. You say "I hate Adderall! I hate myself more for letting it control me and ruin me." I hear you there, but I also see that YOU ARE NOT LETTING IT CONTROL YOU ANYMORE. And in the big picture -even though it may feel that way now- you are not ruined. You are strong, and you are resilient.

2.71 miles @ lunch. So made the 12, but barely.

4.3 miles walked.

3.12 miles @ lunchtime. Humdity yucky, Black Keys awesome.

I would never willingly choose such a lesson, but I think maybe through this whole slooooooow process I'm learning something about patience. Thank you guys for posting this stuff. Nowhere else have I found people who understand how hard this is or how long it takes.

This makes me laugh. I have never dug a hole in the ground for no reason, but some days I feel like I've dug a hole in my life itself for no reason.

2.1 miles just now during lunchbreak. Heat index 97 F. Glad I got no meetings to sit in this afternoon.

I use MapMyWalk, but it unfortunately lacks the feature to nag me, or say "What? Netflix again? Really?" What day does our week start?

Anyone interested? I can't run even a mile yet. Was working toward it with the whole run one minute/walk two minutes thing..I was putting in a couple miles a day at least walking for the last couple months. But now chiropractor working on my jacked up shoulder says just walk for now and my dog tore his ACL. So excuses to slack. Accountability would help

I'm at about the 9 month mark, too, and definitely struggling with anxiety. About nothing I can pinpoint, just this general knot in the stomach and feeling of 'things are not okay.' It comes and goes. Sometimes it's gone for a whole day, or even two, at the time. But definitely it's lurking.

Jon, Wow, that story is more intriguing with detail. You write well. Thank you. It sounds amazing, but it also sounds so lonely. Was it? I mean did you feel that way at the time? I used to isolate so much with 'tasks.' Nothing I ever did on Adderall was of this scale....but even with smaller things, staying up all night knitting (yes, crazy) I would isolate myself. Didn't want anyone around to mess up my count.

Jon, I wouldn't call it 'haunting.' I mean that quarry rock is just something I think of, an idea I hang on to, not in a bad way. I think one of the crazier things I used to do was Mod Podge all these like storage boxes and hat boxes. Especially with things I cut out from old IT textbooks and manuals, the older, the better. One, which I still have, but never show to anyone, looks straight outta the A Beautiful Mind movie, but with a single mom twist. It has pictures of arrays and other data structures out of these 1980's IBM manuals, diagrams from old radio transmission textbooks. The top layers are a lot of paranoid sounding phrases like "new world order," and "is big brother watching your data" that I cut out of modern IT security magazines...plus a lot of phrases cut out of women's magazines about being beautiful and gender salary inequities and doing it all and providing home cooked meals." It's like it reminds me that even though I was trying to bury everything under Adderall and weed and whatever AD I might be taking, all that anxiety was still there, exaccerbated even. (In case it's not obvious I'm a single mom and work in IT, right?) That and spending hours detailing my Jeep, then taking it out on the trail and in the mud, then repeating the hours cleaning and detailing.

Jon, glad you had a good day. The tons of quarry rock you once moved...the idea of that keeps coming back to me when I take these long walks at night...I don't know what it means...maybe an analogy for stuff I used to be able to do 'effortlessly' on the drug, stuff that requires sooooo much more willpower now...but so much of the stuff I used to be able to do is like your heart-shaped stones...not worth the price.

Ashley, Been off the Adderall and Vyvanse since October. But was on Wellbutrin/Prozac/Provigil/Abilify until the end of March.The Provigil I started October to 'replace' the Adderall for sleep apnea issues,etc. Klonopin the whole time. At the time I got off the Wellbutrin/Prozac/Provigil/Abilify I was just so sick of pharmaceutical meds. Like I felt like I was getting all the negative side effects but not the benefits. I just wanted to REST my brain from all that. Adding to my wanting to REST my brain, over the last 3 or so years I had tried other stuff like Zoloft, Paxil, Cymbalta and Pristiq with icky side effects, but no lift in the depression. BUT I WAS STILL on Adderall during that time. So maybe those things would have been better if there was no Adderall in the mix. But a lot of people do really well on the Wellbutrin/Lexapro/Klonopin kind of combination. Hopefully that will give you some relief. And none of that stuff is as harsh or intense or habit-forming or personality-changing as Adderall. And if this Buspar doesn't do anything, I will maybe try some SSRI or SNRI again. Maybe my brain has had a chance to rest. It takes what it takes, you know. And as for not scaring newbies...don't let me scare you, either. Because I had a history with depression before Adderall. I had serious depression/anxiety issues in high school and undergrad. After undergrad school I didn't have these issues for 10 or 12 years. But the depression/anxiety came back in full force about 6 months after I started taking Adderall in my late 30's. So I still blame it for either starting the bout of depression in the first place or making it last way longer than it would have otherwise. So yep, keep me posted. We can do this!

Ashley, what ever happened with you and the Buspar? Or does anyone else have any experience with Buspar to relate? I got a prescription for this yesterday when talking to my psychiatrist about my the whole anxiety/Klonopin issue. As in I've trying so hard to manage anxiety with exercise, supplements, etc., and trying to minimize the Klonopin usage. Because once I've taken enough Klonopin to knock out the anxiety, I'm lethargic. Then there's the whole benzo withdrawal issue to possibly have to deal with. I've been trying to avoid pharmaceutical meds as much as possible, and hate the idea of trying another one but anxiety has been killing me lately. I've read some anecdotal stuff on other boards, a lot of which said Buspar did nothing, but it also sounds like it doesn't have same problems as benzos.

MFA, don't know your age; I'm 40 and have being doing the 'grieving the loss of my 30's'. Or at least the last 3-4 years of it when I was on Adderall. Grieving the loss of my 'youth.' I know this is illogical, like what's done is done, and age is relative anyway. But the emotion doesn't follow the logic. I hear you on "I have to grieve the loss of my 30s."

Accept that it's okay to do something half-ass. If it has to be perfect I will never even try.

Pray, as in "Please God help me get out of this bed." Green tea. Think of the phrase '"motivation follows action." (Thanks, MFA). Tell myself I only have to do a tiny bit, but I end up doing more. Like I tell myself I only have to walk half a mile. Or I tell myself I only have to finish one chapter of some IT training book.

OC, you got it right. There is no turning back. The euphoria and self-confidence would be just what you said: fake. Three weeks is a long time, but you know that adderall would just make everything worse in the long run.

catw66, I'm maybe, finally, knock on wood, coming out of what has been a 3.5-year bout of major debilitating freaking depression which I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have lasted nearly as long without Adderall in the picture. The depression started about 6 months after I started taking Adderall. Sure, there are other variables, like many SSRI's, SNRI's, etc. that I was prescribed to try to help the depression, but Adderall was always in the mix. First for focus, but then later to "augment" the other meds, or to offset the somnolence from other meds. Other meds which never really worked, *maybe* because it was Adderall jacking up my brain chemistry in the first place. Definitely during that time I begged shrinks for ECT, wanting to trying anything to lift the depression.