Searchingsoul9

Much appreciated I know my mom means well. And she does have a hard life financially, she is a good woman and she cares. I just am still this selfish adderall junkie, but i have gotten through one night successfully and i feel pretty good right now. Even though i smoked some weed, i avoided the adderall for today and i know i am going to have a good sleep tonight.As far as talking to my mom goes, we had a talk about this situation a couple of nights ago. I just hate asking for help. & my therapist is a waste of time. I'm going to try getting through another day tomorrow and take it from there. Thank you so much for being so caring though. Without this site, i would have taken it today for sure

I worked out jog/speedwalk/running for 23 minutes. I feel great. I know 23 minutes is nothing, but compared to never doing any workouts, i feel good. Only downside is my friend is coming over to smoke a joint. But, one addiction at a time i suppose? Or am i just fooling myself.?

Wow, sorry you experienced that! I definitely can understand what you've said though. When i smoke weed after taking adderall all day, i turn into a complete WEIRDO. I can't even explain how introverted and analytic i become. But, last night i couldn't sleep until 5am. I have an irrational fear of fire and i was outside smoking a cig. I saw a piece of ash fall onto the blanket. I took the blanket inside and layed it on the floor and got down on my hands and knees to make sure there was no flame waiting to set the entire blanket on fire. Then i thought to myself, What a fucking weirdo i am! I took the blanket into my room and put it in an empty place on the floor and prayed it wouldn't catch fire. Although, i do weird shit like this sober too haha, not to that extent though. I have always had OCD tendencies, but adderall exacerbates them for sure. i left my house after baking some goodies one day and was convinced i forgot to turn the oven off. I speed home from the store thinking the house was ablaze, but it was fine. Other than that, i have certainly become super paranoid at work. If someone smiles at me i instantly think they know my secret, they then turn to talk to a coworker and i believe they are laughing at me. It's total bullshit. And one night at work i was running on like 2 hours of sleep and 70 mg of adderall. I was so exhausted. I was struggling to stand and bending down made me nearly pass out. I knew i looked half dead, i couldn't form cohesive sentences and everyone really was looking at me like i was a nutjob, but i was convinced that they knew about my drug use. I thought i heard my boss talking to me, then i turned and no one was there.

Sky, i don't know the rollercoaster you are referring to, but i do know one on coney island in NYC. It was my first rollercoaster ever, i was slightly too short to ride it, but they let me, And i hit my head on the bars on ever bump and turn, it was a giant wooden piece of junk too, not worth it. This is where i get a bit concerned with myself. I do not my any means like what i see in the mirror. I hate the bags, dry skin, and painful scowl i find planted on my face every night. But, i feel like somehow, all of that defines me. Like, the sunken, hallow, sick face i look into is who i am meant to be. I know that is nonsense, but for some reason i connect to that lost, soulless, girl looking back at me. But on a semi positive note, today i went to kmart to get my ass some peanutbutter m&ms (which i did not binge on, yay) and the woman at the register says to me, "Oh my god! Why are your hands purple?!" I said, "circulation problem", paid, and ran out. Needless to say i was highly embarrassed. I am HOPING beyond HOPE that soon my hands return to a normal, health white color. That really would be good motivation for me to stay on track sober. I am disgusted by my hands, and worry about possible nerve/tissue damage...which could result in losing a fingertip. That should be enough to get me sober! But i am quite the rebel, lol

Thanks neversaynever! I still have quite a decent amount of pills left. It was supposed to last me until march, but id say i have enough pills left to last maybe 3-4 more weeks. I have not found the strength to get rid of them. It's like i need it there "in case" life is too much. In case things really were better on adderall. Foolish, i know because i have done that with binge food as well. Kept it, fear of needing it later. Which i did, then i binge and purge and regret. I totally get what you mean when you said, "When the end of your run looms near you are often literally spinning your wheels all day and accomplishing absolutely nothing." I realized this to be true a while ago. No longer was i getting much done. I would take my pill and spend at least an hour doing my makeup and finding an outfit. Then i would get ready to bake (that's what i go to school for. Ironic? Bulimic pastry chef lol) and i would spend way too much time just looking for a recipe to bake, and before i knew it the day was ending and i had gotten nothing accomplished. It's actually funny, i never took my adderall for school because it actually debilitated me. Made me way too hyperfocused, and caused me to do worse in baking classes. So the boring days i spend home, those are the ones i find myself wanting the pills. It's stupid tasks like laundry, dishes, cleaning, hanging out with friends...all tasks that require a little push :-/ You are quite the inspiration to me though

I was thinking of getting onto wellbutrin, keep us posted please

PURE STRENGTH. I am not capable of throwing out my stash. I justify keeping it. Incase, "Things get too tough" or "i decide i don't want to stop" You are a serious inspiration

Sky, being a 20 year old female does suck in many ways haha Well, i walked out of the kitchen, went to my room, cried for a minute, and came onto the website. I didn't take any pills. I am not as pissed as i was a minute ago, which is great. But knowing me, i will go back down soon,then up, down, up. My emotions before the adderall were neurotic and rollercoaster-like, so now coming off of it i am sure it will be ten times worse. All i know is, i want to be a lazy bum today and stuff my face. BUT i can't stuff my face, because if i allow myself to use bulimia as a vice, sooner or later adderall will be back in the picture. That is always how the cycle goes for me. I have yet to get off my lazy ass and get on the treadmill, but unfortunately i must eat dinner soon. And lucky me has had massive acid reflux/indigestion since lastnight, and ever step i take literally burns my throat. Oh goodie haha And even luckier for me, one of my side effects when i stop adderall is INSOMNIA. Yippee...like i didn't have that bad enough on it. I want nothing more than to sleep lol

Ashley, you're spot on with that one. She does love me, but has been pushing my eating disorder under the rug since the day i told her. She knew about it before i told her, but she said it was a phase that would pass. So we continue living our lives pretending everything is fine. I don't let her into my thoughts and she usually doesn't pry. And the adderall. She also knew i was abusing it since day one. But she decided to let me do what i want. Which is okay, i don't expect her to baby me, but we definitely smile and pretend life is peachy. Motivation_follows_action, I totally believe what you are telling me. I was actually researching amphetamine psychosis all night last night. Would you be comfortable telling me a bit about your experience with the psychosis? I have fallen into a psychosis when i was 17, but that was from lots of adderall and 2-3 days without sleep. I talked to people that weren't there, drove a car and thought there was a spaceship in the road, fell asleep with a knife in my hands because i thought that there were people outside of my house trying to get me. Truly ridiculous, but after i slept i was okay. Since then i have not had an experience like it. I do get very paranoid of course, and when i am coming down from the adderall i always think i hear my family talking about me and the secret i am hiding from them, but i feel like that is my conscience getting at me and the paranoia as well. I try to stay fully rested to avoid psychosis, but apparently you can fall into it with or without sleep deprivation? Thanks girl,

And to make matter worse, my mom gets home and says "why don't you clean your room before school starts back up, that'll make you feel much better" I said, "Well that would require me taking my adderall" She says, "You're telling me you need a pill just to get up and clean your room?" (Sarcastic tone.) Yes i said, in so many words. Well don't i feel like a lazy loser piece of shit now. She doesn't get it at all. She doesn't think that me having relied on a pill to get me out of bed for the past year has effected me in the least. I'm sorry to say, it has. I recently told her my side effects from the adderall. She concluded i should get off of it and get onto an antidepressant. And poof, i'll be happy. She knows about my ED, and all past drug/alcohol use. She means well, but her unrealistically positive outlook makes me angry. I want nothing more than to self destruct right now and take my pills. Clean my damn room and stop feeling. This is what i was trying to explain. When someone sets me off, i implode big time. Always have. If in the past someone said i looked thinner or fatter i would binge or starve. Someone tells me i'm boring, i run to the alcohol. Anything and everything i feel good or bad, i turn to my disordered coping mechanisms.

Your willpower gives me hope

Falcon, Ashley, & Sky...thank you all for the kind words. I found myself sitting here crying my eyes out for the first time in i don't know how long. It hurts. Deep inside my soul aches and has been crying out for help for many years. I am a stubborn person, to say the least. I don't like people to know just how royally screwed up i am. I've always correlated emotions to mean i was weak or needy. I know it is both natural and necessary to feel the ups and downs of life, but it's such a foreign concept to me. Basically 11-12 years of my 20 on this earth have been filled with me stuffing my feelings down and avoiding dealing with them. Whether is be family issues, school, friends, relationships, mistakes, etc. I mean, i was in a mentally/physically abusive relationship for almost 2 years. I never dealt with the pain from it. I basically just moved on (this was before the adderall) and i don't feel sadness towards that part of my life, or regret. It is what it is, but i am worried that eventually my feelings towards the situation will come out of the deep hole i buried it in. I don't want to deal with everything i have pushed out of my mind. I don't know if i could. It's weird to say, but i don't think i have ever been "happy". Of course, i had my fair share of laughs and good times in life, but it never lasted. Most of my memories are of me living inside my head, feeling empty, and depressed. And with adderall, for the first time i felt "happy". Fake happiness, yes. But it was more than i had experienced. I sound like a total depresso loser haha. I don't like to think that i am. Before adderall i was a positive person overall. I may have put on a happy facade a lot of the times, but i had hope. I always had hope. Now, i have no hope. I have lost that one little thing that kept me going. All i have ever wanted was to love my body, have a healthy relationship with food, and be normal. I know it is possible. I know i need outside help aside from an online community of wonderful people. I have a therapist now, but she basically tells me to eat fruits and stop purging. So, maybe time to look for a new one. I just hate talking to a therapist. I feel so analyzed. I can't speak about my life experiences without laughing or with little-no emotion. I am so disconnected from myself, that i don't even take my issues seriously. I hope that i truly have hit rock bottom. I don't want to go back to the pills. But as fucked up as it is, i would rather stay on them than gain any weight when quitting. I set myself up for this disastrous life. I remember being 13 and glamorizing drugs and cigarettes. Edie Sedgwick was my idol. I was that lost little girl who knew one day her life would be taken over by addiction.

Thank you Sky. You have no idea have much your comment helped. It is 3pm, and i know there is NO point in taking it today. I will get through today. I have forced myself to make some eggs and a pb&j and just watch some funny shows on netflix. I can be lazy today. I planned on exercising all day, but ...well that didn't happen. Maybe i can go for a jog this evening. I know i need to throw exercise into the mix right away. If i don't, then i risk binging and purging and whenever that happens i turn to adderall without a thought. Times when i have ran out of my skript i have made it through at least a week, feeling better...but whenever it was time for a refill, i went to get it just because i could. Right now i have a 3 month supply in my room, but i will use my willpower to fight the urges. I hope one day VERY soon i can find the strength to throw them out. Right now, i am too weak though. I hope my ability to joke and laugh comes around tomorrow. Usually the first day off adderall i am a hyper, giddy mess, but today i have just felt numb entirely.

Neversaynever, thank you so much. I wish there was a quick fix. I have always looked for quick fixes, and they help me for a short period, then it all comes crashing down. You said some very wise things. I know adderall doesn't care about my well being. I know deep down i do, but right now i am having an internal argument with myself. One second i am 100% sure i can get through today without the pill, and the next i am about to take it. This battle has been going on for over an hour now. It is driving me insane. I know if i take it i will finally get my lazy ass out of bed and "live" my day, but i also know that within a few hours of taking it i will crash down lower than i am now. I will regret it, as i do every night. Yet, i find myself thinking, "Tomorrow i will do better, tomorrow" But i am not guaranteed tomorrow. Some days/nights i can take adderall and feel totally fine, no health scares, but then other nights i have major anxiety attacks or a variety of side effects. Is it worth dieing? No. I know it's not. But my impulsive self says, "do it." I have done some messed up crap on this drug, and one of the things i've done i have kept a secret from my friends/family. It is the main reason i find myself looking to the pill bottle. It numbs me to my bad choices. Makes me forget for a while that it even matters to me what pain i inflict upon others. I used to be such an overly caring person. I hated it, others peoples moods/feelings effected mine immensely, but with the adderall i don't have the burden of caring. Which is a horrible thing to say, but it's the truth.

I will try to make this as short as possible. I am 20 years old and have been abusing adderall for about a year now. I experimented with it in high school and one summer almost every day, staying awake for up to 3 days non stop, hallucinating, not eating, going literally insane. Well, i decided i wanted to get a skript because i was battling with severe dependence to weed. On top of that i have been bulimic/anorexic for 7 years, so the weed made my bulimia that much worse. I was ecstatic when i got the prescription after 10 minutes of being in my psychiatrists office. Things were great, the typical adderall story. I was motivated, happy, losing weight without trying, i decided to go back to college, kept my first long term job, you get the picture. After the first month or so my tolerance was building very rapidly. I took a few days off the drug here and there, but that didn't help to slow it. I started at 10mg and am prescribed 40mg a day now, but take anywhere from 60-110mg a day, everyday. I always had a HORRIBLE time with the crash. It seemed even at the beginning the adderall high only lasted TOPS 5 hours, then slowly the crash took over the rest of my evenings. So i turned to heavy drinking to combat the debilitating lows. It helped, until it didn't. Now i am back to drinking and smoking weed to comedown and sleep. Here are my side effects. It started with the usual rapid heartbeat (only when crashing), extremely cold, anxiety, intense irritation towards others/noises, itching(feeling like there was a bug or feather touching my body, id itch the hell out of my skin and be left with fingernail marks all over), and of course insomnia. I think about a month or two ago (i have no acurate perspective of time, since it all seemed to just fly by) i started getting intense heat flashes. I would go from freezing to burning up with a rred face and rash on my chest, then back to freezing, i have been getting bad muscle tremors. My head will quickly twitch side to side throughout the day, as well as my legs and arms. My hands are shaky as a leaf, always. Everyone notices that too. My eyesight gets blurred/foggy dduring the crash. Usually my right eye will lose a good 30% of it's vision and get bloodshoot. There's many more symptoms, but the worse one has to be my fingers/hands. I have always had bad circulation and in cold temps. my fingers turned numb and i had to warm them. But since starting adderall it has really made it much worse. Now, they turn purple/blue even when it is not cold out. My hands are never just normally white anymore, they are always purple or very red. It is VERY embarrassing and everyone at work comments on it. I also noticed that now when i smoke weed i am very weird. I always was self conscious, especially high, but now it's like the entire time i am in my own head, picking things apart. When my friend is talking, all i am doing is nodding and wondering if he is analyzing me/how i look. I realize especially when i've smoked weed that i subconsciously am curling and uncurling my toes, digging my fingernail into my hands, biting my cheek, and i never look my friends in the eyes, i stare of into space and pretend i am present. I have come onto this site a lot when i feel i am ready to quit, like last night. But here i am today, considering taking my adderall. I don't even know why. It's like the adderall numbs my emotions and feelings towards others, but when i am not on it i feel completely numb. A different numb though. I have never been able to deal with feelings. Ever since i was a little girl. I never talked about how i felt, i put on a happy face, hid behind my eating disorder, then drugs, alcohol, weed, now adderall. I don't know how to be "normal" i am so used to living in my own dysfunctional world. I don't know if i can learn to cope in the real world.