Searchingsoul9

Thank you thank you thank you!Today has been a pretty good day. I find that i get VERY depressed and want to return to the adderall when i am home with nothing to do, eating, sleeping. Today i was up at 5am, out at 6, in class until 4pm, then about until almost 7 pm and i feel pretty good. Going on the treadmill now. xox

Yes, very good point! Like most Americans, i look for the quick fix when it comes to weight loss! Always have. But the times i actually worked out daily, and ate normal amounts of healthy food...i felt and looked my best. Even when i was on adderall and eating like 500 cals a day, i was skinny, but not toned at all. Thanks for the motivational lift, xo

I am trying to focus just on quitting adderall, but it's like a shitshow of emotions. All i can think about is my weight/anxiety. It's so lame. There have yet to be any ups in my recovery process, just downs. I didn't even get the same mini rush from exercising that i did a month ago. It's weird. But i am trying to stay positive/hopeful

Thank you so much<3 Today has been okay food-wise. Just ate soup, chicken, and some fruit. Haven't smoked weed. So feeling 'okay; but certainly nothing more than okayxoxo

CONGRATS TO YOU! You sounds very positive! I am in a mega unmotivated slump. But i will be forced out of it tomorrow and the rest of my school week. Hopefully i can do it!

So i guess today is day 7 adderall free. But the past like 2 weeks i have been smoking weed, binging, purging, sleeping. Repeat. So i feel like a fat, lazy shit head. I am willing to take ANY advice. Because this is how i was prior to adderall, just not as bad with the bulimia. I was smoking weed daily, being lazy and having no motivation. I have decided that i NEED to quit smoking weed if i ever want to be 'happy' I have always had terrible anxiety, but on the adderall i had no anxiety whatsoever besides some cracked out type of paranoia at the end of the day. But now i am anxious about everything again. I missed my second week of classes being sick with the flu and i go back tomorrow. I have no reason to be anxious, but i am SO anxious. I feel sick to my stomach. I just want to be healthy and feel like i am capable of getting through life sober. I feel like a giant failure. I know exercise will help, but i can't seem to get the nerve to get off my ass and do something.

One step at a time my love. One step at a time. I am about to get back into my 'yoga pants' or spandex as i call them.

Hey girl. I can relate so much with you and your story. I have been heavily abusing adderall for over a year, but i flushed the 80 pills i had left 5 days ago. I had tried to quit countless times before that, but each time i tried i still had a stash of pills waiting for me whenever i needed. That was the problem. Most of us can't quit with the pills readily available when we decide it gets too much. Now, i would be lying if i said that i don't want a pill right now. Of course it gets to be overwhelming when you pull that crutch out right from underneath you, but what else can we do? We either want to quit and are willing to do whatever it takes, or we just stay in adderall world ...envisioning what life sober could be like. You seem like a really strong lady, and i think you do have what it takes to flush your pills and prove to yourself that you are capable of success without pills. Plus, you have everyone on this site that is willing to help push you forward ad give you advice on how to be okay sober. I know how scary it is. Believe me, i really do. I am still scared. But i am only on day 5. It can only get better from here, slowly but surely. I have faith in you, just have a little faith in yourself. xx

I REALLY, deeply appreciate your advice. I will consider my options, i just hope it gets worked out on its own!

It's a family owned business. No human resources. It's a fucked up work environment to begin with, but there's no rules here.

It is completely fucked. But i am really close to my boss and everyone i work with. I would feel so fucked up threatening to sue. If he doesn't fix things, i will look for a new job. I am not trying to cause trouble

deleted it

Yes TATTOO. I haven't gotten one since before the addies. I want to actually get an inspiring one. Not just for quitting the pills, but just a reminder that i am strong and can do anything i put my mind to. All your carrot ideas sound like good ones to me!

Yeah "we do have to do things no matter how little we feel like doing them" this sentence holds very true for me. I find that in the past when i ran out of pills for a week or so i couldn't just laze about and wallow in the self pity. That only made shit worse. And today being day 4 and all, i figure i pretty much have done just about as much sleeping and eating as i should be allowed. Getting dressed and cleaning the kitchen today was not fun, but it did help make me feel less unproductive.

Well i got dressed, did some makeup, and brushed my hair all before 3pm lmao It's a start i guess. I also cleaned the kitchen and went to put some gas in my car. Decided whether or not i should bake something. That's what i usually do on my days off. Without the weed i haven't really had a desire to binge. I've eaten a turkey sandwich today and have been drinking lots of water.

This was really eye opening and i want to hug you for reminding me of this!I do remember our exchange a couple of weeks ago. And you are SO right. The honeymoon IS over. It has been over for a LONG time. I know that even if i stopped the drug for a while that i may get one really good addie high type of day, but that of course comes with a price. The price being an insanely bad crash. And then, the next day i would chase the high and it would not be there. I could not have said it better myself. The memories i am envisioning are gone. They were 'great' while they lasted, but like everything in life, all good things must come to an end. And there is no more good left in the adderall. I know this, i just need to remind myself of it every day. xoxox

I just wish this insane desire to be high would go away. I don't expect to me happy or motivated, i just want to NOT want the adderall

No, but i would have if i could have so in that logic, i fail. lolI have been having vivid memories of the beginning of my adderall honeymoon all day. The memories are coming back on their own, i haven't thought about these things in a while and i don't want to. All i can seem to think about is the 'good times' and the bad times are really hard for me to remember. I know i don't need to be doing anything but getting better, but feeling fat and lazy makes me feel SO much worse. I went on a 30 min. walk, didn't help. I guess today is just going to be a crappy day xoxx

I hear you girl!!! I know i am not nearly as far along as you are, but i have been literally KICKIN myself all day for throwing out the pills. I am SO angry. I feel so lazy. Tired, but can't sleep. Numb. I feel nothing except, 'i wanna get more pills!!!!' but like you, i too have no way of getting them. I suppose that is good. But i am so insanely pissed. Hope it gets better for us both ASAP

Day 4 adderall free. I Spent the past 3 days completely stoned on weed and eating everything in site. Not a good time. I didn't care during, but i threw out the rest of my weed last night because i have to go back to work soon and i feel so fucking bloated and fat. I am craving an adderall so bad, just to take away the stupid disordered eating, but there's no possible way for me to get any, so that's good-i guess. AH! Still in this brain fog. All i want to do is sleep for a year.

Eugh me too. This plus bulimia...i haven't been to the dentist in years because i am too scared

Ah, the gum things! I wasn't sure why, but as of like 3 days ago i noticed my gums receding by my k-9 teeth! Ah, but it didn't start until i stopped the adderall. Weird. Mush brain definitely is a big one.

Good point. I don't think they know what it does to people. But some don't really seem to want to know

My Primary care doctor is looking into putting me on welbutrin. And i am trying to find a new counselor that specializes in eating disorders, but it is taking some times :/

At this point in time, no. I am trying to find a new counselor who specializes in eating disorders, but it's been a process