Searchingsoul9

The depression is totally there too. For me it's like i am an angry bitch one minute, then crying over spilled milk the next. It's a rollercoaster for sure. But i just contacted my psychiatrist and cut ties, telling her i am no longer seeing her or taking adderall

Sorry to be posting so damn much. I am annoying myself. I have a question though. It is only day 2 of recovery, but i have gone a week in the past and each time i notice i am VERY hostile. I get frustrated so easily. If my jeans don't fit right or i am having a bad hair day, i FLIP out. I throw things, i scream, i throw a damn tantrum. And i also have been SO on edge with my mom. She is great and all, but EXTREMELY overbearing and she can be a bit condescending and it is driving me off the mother fucking wall. She takes things VERY personally so i can't just say "please leave me alone" or else she will go nuts. I don't want to be a mean, nasty, little snot nosed bitch for the next however many months. How long does this bitch phase usually last???

MEMEMEMEMME. I need something like this

I am very glad you like!

Thank you, ill be adding more i forgot about a ton! haha

I believe someone may have posted something like this before, but i decided i should do my own, just in case i find myself craving some of those life-ruining, soul-crushing pills that we like to call adderall. Like a friend reminder as to why i decided to quit in the first place. Please add on if you have anything to share. I realized i actually did NOT want my brain to turn to mush. Being slightly dramatic, but i have noticed i am not as quick and witty as i once was. I am slow, always at a loss for words, forgetting absolutely anything and everything. I really don't want to wake up one day and have it be too late. I don't want want to become less and less intelligent as each day passes. Then the term 'older and wiser' would NOT apply to me. I don't want my teeth to fall out...or whatever happens when you abuse adderall for a while. I did notice they became more yellow and have lost a ton more enamel, but i could attribute that to my bulimia :-/ I want to REALLY enjoy sex again!!! TMI perhaps, but i used to be able to have a good orgasm. Ever since the adderall, can't cum for the life of me. Sure i enjoy sex, but never get that 'reward' lmao and never find myself horny either. I miss my sense of humor. I am not your stereotypical adhd, bouncing off the walls person. I am shy at first, but once you get to know me i am a total goofball, like to laugh and make others laugh. But not on adderall. I am a boring, robotic, monotone loser on adderall. I am not kind on adderall. I used to be the type of person to take care of friends and family, feel bad for them, very selfless to a fault. But since abusing the pills i became extremely selfish and oblivious to others and their needs. Especially my loved ones. I am scared if i keep taking adderall that i will never find love. I am not looking for love, nor do i think i am ready to get back into a relationship nor want to at this point. BUT i do at SOME point and if i kept abusing the pills i would have no idea how to open up to someone. I have had sexual encounters on the adderall, but whenever someone tried to get to know me on a deeper level or ask me questions about my feelings, i literally froze up. No words came out of my mouth. A robot does not love. A robot does not feel. And i clearly was a robot. I want so desperately to develop a healthy lifestyle with food!!! Off adderall i am still struggling with bulimia, yes. But on it, i was barely eating anything, then i would drink a shitton of vodka and most of the time binge and purge anyways. So it was that much worse on the pills. I can't exercise for shit on adderall. I have no desire to anyways, but i was too scared i would have a heart attack if i ran on the treadmill high. I don't want to get all old, ugly, and wrinkled and faster than i have to! And from what i have read, adderall ages you faster than normal. Big surprise. I want my blue fingers to go the fuck and stay the fuck away!!! Talk about embarrassing. I want to be able to go to sleep without the help of a downer! I want to be able to wake up and get through a normal day without the help of an upper. THE ADDERALL CRASH!!!!! One of the biggest issues i had with adderall. The crash was debilitating. I have NO idea how i got through the crash the first few months abusing adderall. After the first few months i started turning to heavy drinking and weed to alleviate the crash READING BOOKS. I have always loved to read, but i haven't read a book since the day i started adderall. I felt it was a waste of time. Time i could spend shopping, wasting money on shit i don't want or need, cleaning, spending 2 hours trying to decide what kind of cupcake recipe i should use to bake cupcakes that i wouldn't eat, organizing and color coordinating my closet, painting my nails 7 different times in one day! (i kid you not, i went back and forth to kmat 3 times in 2 hours just because i needed the perfect colors. I will never quit cigarettes if i didn't quit adderall. I used to be a more positive person. Not like 'look at what a beautiful day it is today! lets all sing and hold hands!' but i had hope and lots of it. I could be a negative cunt sometimes, we all have our days. But on adderall, everyday is negative ass bitch day. I don't like being a pessimistic pissant. I wont be considered an alcoholic anymore because i wont have the need to be throwing back 4-15 shots of vodka a night. I never was much of a drinker before the adderall. Yeah, i like to drink on weekends with friends, but on adderall it was outta control. Drinking alone every night, just to get to sleep. SLEEP. I love sleep now. Once again. Sleep is my friend. Sleep is beautiful!!!!!! Sleep is my escape! Not pills. I want to have kids and a family one day. And i don't want adderall fucking that up. Well, im fucking tired and have to wake up in like 6 hours. There's many more reasons, but this is all for tonight. More reasons i forgot... Shaking hands. Adderall caused my hands to shake uncontrollably. Everyone noticed. Hot flashes. On adderall i started tog et really bad hot flashes. i would break out in a red rash on my chest and face. It felt like i was on fire. And this got 10X worse if someone pissed me off. I was like the hulk, but i turned red and angry. TWITCHES. This one scared me the most. My head would do this quick, uncontrollable twitch when the adderall was wearing off. So would my legs and arms, but mostly the head. I couldn't hold my head up without leaning on my hands sometimes or else it would twitch bad. When on the adderall, even if i was seriously sad or pissed i was unable to cry. I would try so hard. I needed to get this sadness out after a horrible day at work, but i could not cry for the life of me. Lost all my creativity. I used to have SO many ideas for new dessert recipes and ideas. (i am in pastry school) but since the adderall, i have become cut and dry. Just do it and do it perfect, don't think outside the box. I don't recall if i had this ability before or not, but when i close my eyes and try to envision say a fantasy or picture the ocean for example...it is all black and white. There are no colors. No vivid imagery. I have SUCH a hard time imagining anything on adderall. But last night the most amazing thing happened. I had a dream about a flower that was as tall as a tree. It was all in color! I never have dreams in color. It was the most beautiful flower/dream i have ever seen. It sounds stupid, but i woke up so happy. And the best part, i REMEMBERED my dream! I haven't remembered a dream in over a year!!! .

Seriously. This is one of the reasons i kept my addiction to myself. No one would have taken me seriously. Even the people that i did tell thought it was not that big of a deal. I guess you can't really understand the true evil of adderall unless you have had it take away your life and soul. Death is obviously possible with adderall, but it is more of a slow, sad, drawn out death...which in my humble opinion is much worse.

Relapse is a tricky thing. Don't know if you like rap, but the song "Starting Over" by Macklemore was really inspiring to me and helped me chose to overcome my relapse and try again. Check it out

Thank you, although i probably will sound more insane as time goes on and i get my weird personality back

I wish i could!! I will whenever i can, but i have to be up for class at 530am twice a week, plus work, and night classes. It's a horrible time for me to be quitting, but i really have no choice. I so wish i had no obligations!!!

Thank you so much. I am making a promise to you all that i will not relapse again. It wont be possible even if i want to. I just wish i could take a quick break from life for a week or 2 to hibernate! hahaxo

Thank you!!! Tomorrow will be a challenge, but i know i will have to get through it sober.

Thank you<33 i'm trying. I am a sobbing bitch now though haha. When i'm alone in my room, all i can do is cry

I am dropping that doctor tomorrow. She only prescribed for me. She is not my primary care physician. My primary is really sweet and i am comfortable with her. I see her tomorrow to get my blood work results. I also am in the process of finding a new counselor. I found an AMAZING woman who was willing to talk to me for 1 hour 2X a week, every week for as long as i needed it. She specializes in EDs, but then it all went to hell when i found out she doesn't take my insurance and i would have to pay 250 dollars per visit. So i am back to square one.

Good point. I will contact her tomorrow morning.

I haven't cut off my doc yet, but i really need to. Only problem is, i don't know what to say to her. She has always made it really awkward and she makes me feel like it is my DUTY to come to each appointment and refil my script She even got me a 3 month supply from medco, and a month later she told me to come in so she could give me an extra supply "just incase".She is MEGA drug pusher. I am scared to tell her that i no longer want to be on the adderall. I don't want to tell her it's because i abuse it, I was planning on saying that my doctor recommended i stop due to it aggravating my reynauds and that it was changing my personality. IdeaS?

Thank you!!

Thank you so much! I haven't found myself regretting my decision yet, but that's just because i am in such a massive brain fog/half awake state that i don't even have a single thought in my mind. I know the cravings will come, but i also know that the adderall has legit stopped giving me any effects. All i was getting was slight energy and loss of appetite. But i still found myself stuffing my face at night after drinking 8 shots of vodka. On the plus side, i don't have a desire for alcohol when i don't take the adderall. On the negative side, i am a raging bitch. I have been such a moody person today. And my mom doesn't understand it.

Thank you my love! I have dealt with the DEA before, but not related to my drug use haha, stupid ex boyfriend, his warrants, drama, lol. But i did not like them or their attitudes and would be happy to never deal with that again! Today sucks, but that's because i've been sick with the flu? Maybe, i'm not sure, but it's been bad. So i am dealing with adderall fog times 10. Plus tomorrow i will be in the docs at 9. then school from noon-9:30pm. I am nervous i wont retain anything. Or be coughing up a lung the entire time. Eugh, i have no desire to do anything besides lay around and eat, and sleep.

Aw, that's the nicest compliment ever! Although, i do not deserve the title of hero! haha i truly appreciate that comment. And yes, it was a big upsetting. Contemplated selling them because "what a waste of 80 pills!!" but we both know i wouldn't have sold them! I never thought in a million years i could have flushed them, but i guess it was that or go through another day hoping that it wont be my last.

Totally agree. I will need all the help i can get!

Nope, none! Got my main stash, the one i keep in my purse, the one in the pill box, and a hidden 5mg hahha, all flushed. And i guarantee i haven't forgotten any. I never was good at hiding the pills and forgetting where i put them.

I had a mild case of reynauds prior to the adderall, but after over a year of heavy abuse my fingers are constantly purple/blue/orange/red. Highly unappealing. Super sensitive to cold, but they also change color whether it is room temperature or freezing.

You're NOT a failure. I wish i could give you some helpful advice, or insight as to when things will get better...but i have no idea. How long have you been off the adderall? I forget. From what i have read, it'll take 1 year or a bit more to feel "normal" againxoxo

Hey there. I only made is 3 days after my last attempt to quit. It's been a few weeks, and tomorrow will be day one again. I too felt sleepy and intense mind fog up until 1-2pm, then i couldn't seem to fall asleep until 12am. Sucky. Congrats on day 10!