Searchingsoul9

Very wise. I appreciate you taking the type to write that. I notice the personality changes in myself, but no one has really mentioned it to me. I guess it's bad that i sort of like the emotionless zombie i am in SOME aspects of my life. Sort of takes away my guilt for somethings i have/continue to do. Anyways, i'm not giving up. Maybe i should get rid of my stash, but i know i wont. It's like i need it just in case. Setting myself up for failure? Definitely so. But either way, i am realizing everyday how much i need to let it/all my other destructive habits go. I guess it just gets overwhelming when i think about quitting smoking, adderall, fixing my eating disorder all at once....because i do indeed NEED to fix my disordered eating before i can 100% commit to flushing/quitting the pills. I can stand saying goodbye to the hour or productivity the pill gives me, and the cracked out energy, all that...but the way it kills my disgusting bulimic appetite it a really painful thing to let go.

Nothing wrong with being blunt. I'm not a stupid little girl though. I know what i am doing to myself/body and i know that to quit i need to get rid of the pills, but like i said earlier, i kept them because if i decided i needed them, i would take them. Sadly, i decided i needed them and i took them. So yeah, i am not 100% committed. I guess i have not hit rock bottom. I am not here trying to fool you all into thinking i have some superhuman willpower, where i can live with a stash of pills and never take them. I thought i was straight forward in my previous posts about my feelings, but maybe i was not. So i apologize if that was the case. I knew damn well what i was doing when i decided not to flush the pills. I knew it was a gamble and eventually i would give in, but i can't seem to let go of that security blanket. Especially with classes starting back up this week, crazy work hours, and everything in between. I am scared in many ways. I am scared i will lose my desire to do well in school, flunk out, get fat, become more depressed. I am at a point in my life where i NEED to continue succeeding. I certainly have not given up my fight though. Like i said, i am going to take my recovery day to day. Maybe it's not considered "recovery" if i take the pills once in a while. Maybe i am fooling myself. But, in my opinion that is better than giving up completely and hitting rock bottom. I will keep pushing forward. I have not taken any more pills since my slip up. Thanks for the tough love though

Thank you so much. You're right on about the rational/irrational brain. I am so negative and "Fuck the world!" when i am on addies, or they're in my system. Off of them, i am still a slightly pessimistic girl by nature, but not nearly as doom and gloom lol, i'll read that. Thanks again<3

Wow, i'm sorry to hear that<3

Good point. I guess i haven't really put my health first for my entire life. I never think about the future, just the now. Feeling good now is all i seem to think about. So, yes i WANT desperately to quit. But that strong desire comes and goes week to week. I know i NEED to quit. My mom knows it too. I went to the doctors today about my discolored fingers. Apparently my blood pressure was perfect, very surprised. Good pulse. But i go back for blood work soon to see if i have primary or secondary reynauds. But, they told me getting off the adderall and cigs would help a ton. Which is incentive if anything to quit. I don't want ugly blue fingers forever. Superficial? Probably. It's sad that the only things that are keeping me from quitting are weight and the one thing that makes me want to quit is ugly hands. Just how my fucked up mind works.They recommended welbutrin for me to help with my eating disorder, and possibly with quitting cigs. I just need to find the other 20% of myself that wants to quit. I am 80% committed, but when it comes down to it i don't care enough about my health right now. Either way i will be forced to quit soon. My moms already decided that for me. I know quitting is an everyday battle and i can't just give up. I wasn't expecting it to be easy. It's just fucking hard. And people are my job are coked up all the time, which triggers me even more. If i could just fix my food issues i KNOW i could quit. The only reason i ever go back is because i feel fat

Eugh....but my practice seems to do me no good. I've "relapsed" after trying to quit at least 6 times

I can't will myself to flush them! i am fucked. I don't know anyone who would hold them for me. Everyone that would, would give them to me if i asked. I am fucked. I honestly wont flush this many pills. I don't know what this means. Either i don't want to stop or i'm just a addicted loser

I was strongly considering not even telling you guys, but that made me feel like a liar asshole. So, here i am. I made the mistake of going out drinking lastnight after work. I had one hour or sleep and i had to work in the morning and all day/night. So my half-dead mind said, "Take your adderall, you'll only make it through this long ass day if you have some energy" And as i was on the verge of falling asleep in the shower before work, i decided to take them. So i relapsed? I Suppose you would call it that. Even though i didn't even make it a week without em. The worst part is...i don't regret it as much as i know i should. Sort of lost and confused. Gotta get back to work though :-/ Sorry to disappoint , as per usual.

Hhaa, the program was sorta, kinda, possibly a big joke. I played the liver in my 4th grade D.A.R.E play! Based on alcoholics. Which my mom was. But she was in rehab and couldn't see my lovely take on the liver. haha. I vowed never to drink that day. Look at me now....so sad. Dare was kinda joke though. They sell those tshirts now that say Drugs Are Really Expensive, and all types of shit. lol

Interesting story indeed my friend. And fuck the motherfucker who had the audacity to ask if you were eating for two! i have never forgotten my addies, but i have accidentally left my purse open with my VERY visible pill bottle right there. My coworker reached in and grabbed it out as we were having some drinks. I was pretty drunk at the time. And he asks why on earth i have "legal speed" prescribed to me?! I had to play it off like i was some crazy hyper active, off the walls, MANIAC if i wasn't on them. But everyone knows i am a pretty mellow and chill girls on or off the pills. He goes, "That shits harsh." No fucking shit it's harsh. It's amphetamines bitch!!!!! hah. Like everyone at work knows i am on them, but they don't know i abuse them.

Haha. I don't even know why i rely on the addies for my nightjob. I am a night owl anyways, i always have been an insomniac...so it's not like i need the energy. I just REALLY enjoyed my job on them. Like once my boss told me to leave early when i was fucked up off As and i was SO pissed. I legit begged him to let me stay, but i got sent home. I'd rather stay and work then go home and relax. Damn, people must find me weird

I LOLD for real when i saw this the first time. The "Redbull is for pussies" shit, haha i said and still say that shit. But for me, redbull or coffee or monster never did shiyyyattt :-/ haha

Great job girly! You're stronger than a stupid little pill! Just keep on hauling forward. Before you know it you'll be on day 100 and looking back on your adderall past with triumph. Great job!

You're a wonderful person. Do you know that? You really are. Your son is one luck kid! So proud of you. Jerry pie! That's too freaking cute for words! I bet he is sweet as pie I'll miss ya this evening Have fun tonight and relish in your glory xoxox

I have come to realize that most people don't take adderall addiction seriously. It's like a joke or some shit to them. At least in my experience! But fuck them haha, what anti anxiety meds are you on? I was on lexapro a couple years ago, but i found it did absolutely nothing besides keep me from crying for the entire time. I was emotionally numb on those bitches, so i took myself off. But it never helped with depression or anxiety and i am looking into trying something else.

THIS

Sexy as shoulder blade i'd say Good luck on job hunt! Keep us posted xxo

Good idea! I used to always bring them to work, and extra just incase. But i'll leave them home tonight. I feel hugely disgusting though and lazy. I do love my job...high or not. But today i don't even feel like getting out of bed. :/

Dark chocolate is the shit, i recently fell in love with dark chocolate reeses, hahaha not the best route though. My binges when i am high are RIDICULOUS. I could eat my weight in food, then get rid of it, smoek and do it again. Sickening. Without weed i really don't tend to binge that bad. I just overeat. The thing that sucks is i am going to school to become a pastry chef, so whether or not we have junk food in the house...if i REALLY want it, i can just whip something up. But i do a lot better if there's not junk. Usually i just eat eggs, chicken breast, salad, BREAD i NEED carbs haha i cannot go a day without a rice cake, bread, english muffin,something. And pineapple. I freaking love that stuff

Yes, i always assumed i had reynoueds, but i haven't actually gone to the doctor to find that out. I am calling to make an appointment today though so i will let you know what they tell me! Mine get red and burn too sometimes when it is hot, i get into a hot shower, or am exercising. I also can only smoke without paranoia if i have a few drinks beforehand. I hope that things get better for you. I know what you mean exactly though. Before the adderall i was a lazy, tired slob. I didn't have a job, i dropped out of college my first year, everything was horrible. Then once i got on it things really started looking up for me. That's why it's so hard. It's either i am off it and i am back to being that lazy slob, but 100X worse. OR, i stay on it and overdo it, mess up my health. It's a hard decision. You'd think i'd choose my health, but When you have a 3 month supply AND your doc is giving you more soon...it's really a giant tease. I feel for you, here if you need to chat!

Great job girl!!! You are stronger than you even know

Day 3 SUCKS bigtime. And the worst part is i haven't been able to sleep until about 2-3am the past couple of nights ! All i wanna do is sleep and i'm not even tired. Sucky day for sure. And i just hope tomorrow is better because ill be working my usual nights and i rely on adderall for it :/ How are you?

I admire you even more after reading that! I know it probably is a sterotype or whatever that girls with eating disorders think "normal" sized woman are below average or fat, but personally i envy a woman with a healthy, sexy body. I always have, If i was a dude i know i wouldn't want a skinny bitch haha, but my whole life i have focused so much on how i look and fit into clothes that there is some sick desire programmed in me to be skinnier than other girls. It's sad. There was one point when i was like 17 that i honestly thought my disorder just vanished. I was eating normally, not weighing myself, and i felt great. I didn't even feel fat! But then i made the mistake of "dieting" and fell back into my disordered eating habits. And all the comments i got on my weight after losing a few just fueled that desire inside me to stay skinny. I don't know why i have such low self esteem. I just have for as long as i can remember. And Ashley, you are BEAUTIFUL. Inside and out.

I've always wanted a sexy, slightly curvy body, and a big ass. ALWAYS. But, for me i am either slim or chunky. So i chose slim

No, i agree with you completely! My weight issues have absolutely nothing to do with how men view me though. It's how women view me. Woman are the catty ones. And honestly i don't care what men think because at this point i am not looking for a relationship. Also, it is about how i feel. All my jeans are size 0, and if i suddenly don't fit in them, i feel huge. It's pretty stupid when i think about it, but i have been ingraining this into my brain since the 4th grade. I by no means want to be sickly, death bed thin. I like big butts and nice boobs, i just don't want a big tire around my waist! And i am a clothes ADDICT. Shoppaholic for sure. So clothes is a huge part of my life