BeHereNow

Hi! I'm a grad student and I can definitely relate to having trouble with reading and long assignments without adderall. It's definitely a struggle sometimes, and some days I don't get that much done. I'm pretty nervous about starting the new school year too. Its going to be an intense one but at least we have support here. I think you WILL survive this year. And I do think its worth it to stay off the meds. Seems that the longer we take them, the harder it is to quit. Plus we are building mental strength and the skills of working and focusing the mind without taking pills, and that's worth it. I think it gets easier with time. Plus, I think adderall affects memory and information retention. You might do better on the Bar if you study adderall-free, because sometimes it's harder to remember things we learned on adderall. What strategies have you tried for working adderall free? Like the article on this website says, we have to take a different approach now that the magic pills are gone. Here are some that have worked for me: -Working in short spurts. A little at a time. Small bites, not large ones. I like setting a timer for (for example) 25 minutes, then taking a break. If I set a timer, and tell myself that OK I have to finish this one thing before the timer goes off, it gets the adrenaline going and forces me to be VERY efficient and not waste time. -I try not to think about the whole picture at once. That's too stressful. It's better to just put something small in front of you, then do what's in front of you. -Special thanks to InRecovery for this lifesaving tip: when I sit down with those dense tough books, I tell myself it's just like filling out a form online, like if I were ordering something and filling out my address. It's kind of a pain, but not that hard. (Or so I tell myself-- it's not that hard. Even if it IS that hard, I pretend it's not and just do it. It's just something that needs to get done.) -Allowing plenty of extra time for everything -Taking advantage of insomnia and anxiety by channeling it into work. If possible. (it's not always possible.) -Naptime, then worktime. -Taking breaks!!! And rewards for small accomplishments. -24/7 inspiration. -Not drinking REALLY helps. I have so much more mental clarity and energy when I'm completely alcohol free for days or weeks on end. -I think exercising helps with mental stamina, and its a good outlet. -When things are really busy, I cut anything and everything addictive or distracting from my life. (Like facebook. When I deactivated my facebook account, my productivity went up because I had nothing to do but study.) -When I have REALLY crappy things to get done, I do work in my least favorite work space: the office. I chain myself to the desk and tell myself I absolutely cannot leave until I get that crappy task done. And because I want to leave so badly, I get it done. But this only works if you can force yourself to stay there until it's done. -What I'm trying to work on right now is my confidence. If I can get my confidence levels up, then I'll feel--and be-- more capable of tackling the hard stuff. There are probably others, I can't remember. It's all about experimenting to find what works for you. The point is....you CAN do this!!! I would definitely try some creative strategies before going back to adderall/vyvanse. I hope you don't go back, you've come so far!! Anyone else?

Hooray! Welcome Rich!! So glad to have you in our club! It's really fun!!!

I feel you Ashley. I have the same concern about coping with anxiety. I think xanax/klonopin/etc are best used in conjunction with other strategies to work through the anxiety and get to its sources. That way, hopefully eventually, we can learn other techniques and not need meds as much. For me, a lot of the time, meds only take the worst edges away from the anxiety and I still have to take other measures....like walking, breathing, running, positive thinking, counting down from 100, telling myself it will pass, etc. BUT I am not in therapy and I know I should be because that would help me get to the sources of it. I think getting to the sources or contributing factors has to be key, but it's really hard to figure out where the anxiety is coming from. When people ask what I'm anxious about, I have to say I'm not anxious 'about' anything. It just shows up like a monster out of nowhere. I mean, I first found out I had panic disorder when I was 22 and went to a dr thinking I had a heart problem. Ashley I remember somewhere you said you went through something similar right? I've always respected xanax and klonopin, I never had an addictive relationship with it, and like you I don't look forward to taking it or anything. It IS a drug dependency, but it's not addiction, and there's a big difference between the two. For people like us I don't think there's anything wrong with the dependency. It's worth it. To be honest, if a doctor told me I could take xanax for the rest of my life, I would.

When I had to quit xanax, the dr switched me to klonopin so there wouldn't be withdrawals. She was wrong-- there actually were withdrawals but eventually I got used to the klonopin. So it wasn't really quitting, just swapping to another drug in the same class. Actually I had been taking a slightly higher dose than what you have. In my experience (I once went up to 3 weeks) the withdrawals from benzos are way worse than adderall PAWS. Major panic attacks on a daily basis, insomnia, muscle and stomach aches, trouble focusing, a general feeling of going crazy. For me, that's way worse than adderall PAWS. BUT, like quitting adderall, it's different for everyone. I think the severe cases like where people have seizures are usually people on high doses, and it seems like the longer you take it, and the more you take, the worse it can be. These are just things to think about. It's a risk that might be worth it. It might really help you out! Even with all this said, for me I still feel that it's been worth it. Since I've always had really horrible anxiety, I honestly think it's improved the quality of my life. I don't LIKE taking it.....and I don't LIKE that I'll have to go through another withdrawal eventually...... but it does what I need and to me, that's worth it. I'm curious to hear from others since many of us take anxiety meds.....anyone?

Go everyone!!!! Great job!!! Did a 5.5 mile hike and an 8 mile bike ride so far. Going running tomorrow morning too. Nope no need to lie on here.... and YES on the t-shirts! Love it!!! Greg I can help a little with your question about xanax. That's a pretty normal/low dose. The lowest is .25. I was taking that much for like a year and a half before a new dr decided to cut me off and switch me to klonopin and lexapro. It doesn't work as well. I never abused it, but she said its not for long term use and wouldn't give me any more. So, that really sucked but I've heard stories and it does happen. I thought I was bulletproof until my usual dr went on leave. I'm just warning you because your dr might or might not let you stay on it for the long term. Apparently there's also a DEA crackdown on xanax, and drs and pharmacies have strict limits. Here's an article about it: http://www.nbc-2.com/story/20160016/crackdown-on-rx-pills-affecting-legitimate-patients Based on this and my experience getting cut off, I wish I had put some in the freezer or something. Xanax helps sooo much (especially in the context where you're using it-- I totally relate)-- its amazing, but a lot of doctors won't prescribe for long term, or will eventually try to taper you off, or they might try to put you on antidepressants if you start needing it for the long term. Anyway, just be careful. You are right to be concerned about becoming dependent. Look up "benzo withdrawal" on the internet. I don't mean to scare you, and you're on a low dose, but it's enough to become dependent and benzos are much harder and more dangerous than adderall to quit. Running out (either because of traveling or that horrible dr or whatever) is absolute hell for me. I'm hoping to quit eventually and just take it for emergencies only, but grad school is NOT the time for that! Of course you need to do what's best for you, but I think its important to know what you're getting into. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I got my first xanax script-- I didn't find out how hard it was to stop until I had already been on it for a year.

Hahaha IR I don't know about those Vibrams, I'd have to try them-- people DO seem to swear by them! BUT I am gonna sign up for a half marathon. And I will say that previously, my record run was 8 miles. It really wasn't a huge stretch to add on a few more, except towards the end. I know you're working on speed more than distance......but I will say that if I can do it, then you can too!!!!!

Greg its funny you mention that, because I just got back from running 13.1 miles!!! I've never run so far in my life!!!! and I have NO IDEA how to recover from this kind of workout, lol. I had a half marathon as a goal for like the spring, or maybe late fall. I had NO IDEA I was capable of running this far. I didn't work out last night because I had a panic attack and got distracted/tired afterwards, so I figured I'd finish/start my mileage this morning on the mountain. I thought I'd push it to around 8-9 miles. (13.1 wasn't even the goal.) Then it turned out that the trail I was counting on to finish my loop didn't exist, and I had to go back. So I got a little lost which added miles and hills. Mixture of trails and country roads, some hills. I stopped a few times, but kept pushing myself to keep running. I barely let myself walk. It REALLY HURT towards the end. I even outran my runner's high! By the end I was ready to vomit and my hips and muscles were all in pain, but I made it.

Nothing wrong with running slowly in my opinion, if that's your style. It's my preference too. Slow and steady builds endurance. You can't sprint a marathon!

ldmcniel I'm so sorry to hear all that you're going through. Adderall leaves us all with a huge mess to clean up and it takes a long, long time. Especially the social side of work-- it can take forever to clean up those pieces once people have a certain impression of us. I'm so happy to hear that you're still clean. That's most important. Quitting is a whole new beginning in so many ways. Maybe there's a better job for you out there? Maybe this is an unexpected push towards a better future, in ways that you can't even see yet?

Thanks Ashley! I seriously can't believe it either! I think part of the reason I improved so fast is because it's become my main outlet. I take it all out on running and it really helps. I come home with a huge runner's high that I enjoy so much. I've started making it a habit, mainly for the overall mental benefits, so I go before I even start having a panic attack or otherwise feeling crappy. I'm also taking klonopin and wellbutrin, so it's hard to pinpoint what's meds and what's from exercise, but I think that running has been helping me with everything. Running used to be my only medication, way back when. Hopefully one day it will again. I've been sleeping better and longer. (Being alcohol-free helps with this too.) While running, I get a lot of good thinking done. (Especially if I'm on a trail or someplace beautiful.) It's very meditative. I think it definitely does help with anxiety, (though there are exceptions, like if I'm having a really major panic attack.) Instant mood boost that lasts. I think it is definitely a natural antidepressant. I feel better about myself, more comfortable in my own skin. Feeling/being strong helps me with my body image issues. Why worry about my size or weight when my body is strong? Soo, good question Ashley! What about you? Do you think it's helping?

Feeling stronger and more capable of running longer distances! I have our club to thank for this serious increase in my strength and endurance. Just ran 7.24 miles consecutively and I haven't run that far in, umm, years. I really pushed myself and it felt great. Once I got going and the endorphines were flowing I just decided to take the long way. Also, did 30 push ups. Maybe I'll aim for 100 for this week! How's everyone doing?!?!

Here's another one: I woke up one Saturday morning, popped 30 mg of adderall, and while waiting for it to kick in I decided to make smoothies. I had a lot of work to do that weekend and I just wanted to take a bunch of adderall, drink green smoothies and raw soups, and write until my fingers bled. But the adderall kicked in while I was making the smoothies. I just couldn't stop blending. I made multiple flavors of smoothies with all kinds of ingredients--several liters worth of smoothies, to last me through the tweaked-out weekend. Then I started in on the raw soup. I was adding every ingredient I had in my house: greens, tofu, broth, broccoli, almonds, brussels sprouts, carrots, spices, things my blender couldn't even handle. I made so much soup (which tasted horrible by the way), I had to dump some into a tupperware so I could keep adding more ingredients. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, my blender broke. It just stopped working. I realized it had been blending nonstop for an hour and a half. Of course it broke after that OCD blender adventure. It never worked again. So what to do next? Take some more adderall of course!

Another of my old favorites: OCD writing on adderall. Struck with seemingly divine ideas, in my adderall trance I would scrawl dozens of pages of ideas, my handwriting illegible because I was writing so fast. I would make various attempts at organizing and outlining my ideas, but somehow I could never quite get it organized. I would go to the library and leave with literally dozens of books, half of which I never read, or only read partway. I would obsessively write page after page, cranking out double, triple, quadruple the word count. I wrestled every day to make my work organized or coherent, and I couldn't understand why adderall wasn't helping me magically get it together. On one project, I had a word count maximum of 7,000 words. It topped out at 52,000 before I realized I needed to stop. I could spend an entire day (or night) working on just one page, obsessing over every word, every paragraph, arranging and rearranging every section, every paragraph. I needed help and feedback from my professors, but I was too tweaked out (and my papers were too late) to actually ask for it. Besides, my professors wanted me to write smaller, more organized essays, and they just "wouldn't understand" my process. People would sometimes complement me on my dedication or level of inspiration or whatever. Meanwhile I was driving myself insane, and I knew it. I started saying, "I need a lobotomy." This eventually became one of my routine phrases. But did I ever say "I need to quit adderall?" Never.

Nice work all! 4 miles and 25 push ups to start off the week!

Yeah,"it will destroy ALL your progress" might be a little overstated. But you will probably lose a good portion of the healing your brain has already done. Your brain/body chemistry go backwards, with the crash and PAWS. And even though you only have 3, the bigger risk is that you might go into a full-on relapse-- one taste can be all it takes to do whatever it takes to seek out more adderall..... Anyway, I agree-- I hope we can get more stories here too, about addiction substitution and how to navigate that tendency.

Just to echo quit-once: Do you REALLY want to be on adderall on your wedding day? (I know, when I was using adderall I would have said "it's fine, I'll just take a day (or a week) off before the wedding.") But quitting adderall involves a LOT of crappy withdrawal days, for months, and you don't want your wedding day to be one of them. If you quit now, you're less likely to be having a crappy withdrawal day at your wedding and beyond. I'm guessing you probably want to go into your wedding and marriage happy, lucid, capable of feeling human emotions. I'm guessing you'll want to be able to enjoy it. Quitting now will dramatically increase your chances of feeling great that day. And like Cassie said, 5 months is plenty of time to gain and then lose the weight.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Is your arm okay?? I really hope you don't relapse........ you have come way too far for that, and you're too good for adderall. Think about why you're quitting. Those 3 pills are only going to destroy all the progress you've made. Your craving will pass! To answer your main question, I think it's pretty common for recovering addicts to sub one addiction for another. I've heard that a lot of people in A.A. swap alcohol for coffee for example. When I quit cigarettes, I swapped them for candy, then eventually running. And when I first quit adderall...... I too was drinking way more than I should have. I spent the first week of my recovery partying, smoking and drinking wine in bed. After that, I had to work so it switched to caffeine pills during the day, drinking and partying too much at night, for the first month or two. So I can somewhat relate to your experience. After a few months I gradually slowed down on both alcohol and caffeine. I just kind of got sick of it. I think I had to set some limits for myself to make that happen though. Lately I've made a huge effort to become addicted to running. I've realized I need to be in very strict moderation with my drinking, especially during recovery. I finally realized that alcohol makes my depression and anxiety WAY worse. Not right away, but as it wears off-- and over time. I think this is a documented phenomenon-- that alcohol (and also adderall) can cause/aggravate depression. Do you think this happens with you? Also, apparently klonopin impairs your brain's ability to use seratonin, which may be part of why it led you to such a dark place. I know you probably don't want to hear this but BE CAREFUL with the klonopin. People die from mixing benzos with alcohol. Also, they're pretty addictive, and if you're doing the addiction-swapping thing you definitely don't want to swap adderall for klonopin. In terms of withdrawals, quitting benzos is far more painful and more dangerous (seizures, death, etc) than quitting adderall.

YES!! You all inspire me! Great job Cat InRecovery and Ashley!!!!!! I surprised myself today--I ran 2 miles farther than I thought and now I'm up to 17 miles total for the week...12 of which were running, the rest were hiking. 60 push ups total. Happy Friday!!!

Hooray! Let's see. I got an early start too. Saturday, I did a short 2.7 miles. Sunday I went for a hardcore 5 mile hike, fast paced, up a mountain, with a little running thrown in there but not much. Yesterday I ran 2.8 miles (I think). So, total mileage approx. 10 miles including hiking. 5 miles of running. I also already hit my 50 push-ups for the week! Feeling stronger! Great job everyone!

Thank you MFA for your sharp insights. Very helpful and a lot to think about!! I'll get back to you when I've thought this through some more. Haha, you're so right on with the extra sensitive/tortured soul thing.

So, my partner decided to tell me he's worried about me going on Wellbutrin. He is concerned that it might be inhibiting my brain's quitting-adderall healing process. That the Wellbutrin might just be slowing down the healing. What do y'all think? His other major concern was withdrawals--would I get hooked on this drug long term and have trouble stopping? Are withdrawals something I should be concerned about? I can't find much about it. I'm on a really low dose.

Thanks so much friends. Your support means a lot, and its also helpful also to write about working out, my relationship with my workouts, and their theraputic role in my life. Makes me wanna work out more! InRecovery I love that your family is asking about how many miles you've done so far! Cute! Haha now you have a little kid keeping you accountable in addition to us....lol. Yay Cat!! I'm so proud of you for instantly racking up those miles! So great to have you join us! Ashley I like your technique! I"m a slow runner too. Slow everything actually lol. Tortoise style! Hey it's not a bad way to be, I think that's how endurance goes. I've heard interval training like what you just did is actually really good for you. And you get to push yourself a little too. Amazing! GREAT JOB EVERYONE! Here's my update: Did another 4 miles and 10 push-ups tonight-- Bringing this week's total to: 50 push ups (met that goal for the first time!!!!) 16 miles (approx) 1 hour of hooping

Hey Heather, You still around? I just jumped on the Wellbutrin bandwagon too. I've always been scared of antidepressants and Lexapro made me feel manic, anxious, and crazy. My new doctor prescribed me wellbutrin 75 mg, instant tablets, 2x a day. I feel the effects already, and felt them after the first pill! I'm on day 3. I'm starting to feel like myself for the first time in a long time! To be honest, I think it might help me get my pre-adderall self back. I already feel more confident, creative, inspired, energetic, focused, but not in any way that resembles adderall. Combined with my Klonopin, I think it might help me with my social anxiety too. I've been in a dark hole all summer that keeps spiraling around like a fucking tornado and I think that Wellbutrin is gonna help me at least navigate the shit I'm dealing with right now. It doesn't make me feel like a zombie the way Lexapro did. I feel like I'm still able to feel sad when things are sad, I can cry when I need to cry, but my mind isn't dwelling on negative thoughts as much. I also just read that since it's a stimulant, it's banned for professional athletes. I can feel that, but in a way that promotes rather than detracts from my overall well-being. It's not really comparable to adderall but acts on some of the same neurotransmitters. So for people recovering from adderall I can see how this would help especially with the post-adderall blues. I know it's not for everyone but it's totally a match for me. Heather if you ever see this, I really think it might help you! Don't worry about the slow buildup, it starts working right away and I think just gets better with time.

OK update! I got another piece of crappy news in the form of a mean email from a family member. It made me cry for hours and it made me really angry, so I took it out on working out. I wanted to run longer, but I just did a quick 20 minutes because I had plans to see live music with a friend. I ran maybe a mile and a half which felt great. Gonna run more tonight. Then I brought my hoop to the show and hoop-danced for around 45 minutes or an hour. I used to hoop every day and I'd like to start doing that more so I can keep getting better and learning new moves. It's fun, burns the same # of calories as running, and its an amazing core workout that's not boring (unlike sit ups etc.) Oh yeah, also did 10 push ups which brings me to 40 for this week! How's everyone doing? Happy Friday!

I love this conversation! It's cleansing to look back from outside the adderall vortex and be stunned by how deeply sucked into the black hole we were--how close to the event horizon we went-- but it's also fascinating and amazing and sublimely horrifying to hear what our creative beautiful minds would come up with, all tweaked out on amphetamines. ResetBrain, your projects sound pretty amazing. I've got one that's actually kind of similar to your IT text scrapbooking. I have a painting/drawing I spent easily hundreds of hours on--- a pretty big one I'm actually proud of and I would like to make more of these-- it involved tiny scraps of newspaper, taken from a single snapshot in time and a specific city newspaper. I pulled specific tiny phrases and layered them into a chaotic yet orderly collage, so that certain important phrases would pop forward (ResetBrain mine remind me of yours-- headlines about war and corruption and global warming and such). It was glazed with a varying layers of thin liquid white acrylic paint. And on top of that was a very detailed cut-out drawing done in watercolor pencils and pen-and-ink. I have a few other art projects from those years. Some I AM proud of, some I totally overworked, some a little bit of both. I also spent a lot of time OCD designing tattoos I want, but never actually getting them because I made too many versions and none were ever perfect enough! Ha! Jon, I definitely relate to your habit of collecting things. I have a rock collection of found rocks, and other random natural objects. I don't even paint them, I just like their energy. For art purposes, I also had a box full of stuff that I thought I might collage into a painting one day. Yeah, most of it didn't get used. Hey, here's a technique if anyone ever wants to get rid of shit: watch a few episodes of Hoarders! They say things like what I used to say ("what if I use it for an art project someday?") And I don't want to be like that, and I get motivated to toss bags upon bags of crap. Ha! Finally, Jon, I want to thank you so much for your kind words about my writing! Because I struggle with linked writer's block and self-confidence issues, especially since quitting, that kind of encouragement really helps drive me to keep working on my writing (which I really REALLY need to be generating right now!) Thanks for the rec about the Sun too. I've heard of it I think, and I'm excited to check it out. I actually haven't written any stories since creative writing class in college. Just prose now, and I used to write lots of poetry-- a side of me that I want back. ( I really love Mary Oliver btw.) I like integrating all three. But maybe I will try my hand at stories again! All things are possible! Question: Are y'all proud of those projects? I think they sound pretty amazing. I laugh at my own projects too, but in the end I'm still proud of all the art and writing I've done on adderall (which amounts to a LOT.) I'm not proud I did them on adderall, but I'm proud of them and I believe that it was still ME, and not adderall, who made them. I think it sounds like what you both have done is pretty amazing. The work of inspired people, compelled to take a drug that pushes them towards further inspiration. It would be great to start a new thread on this. Is it possible to move the series of them into the beginning of it? I don't want them to be separate from the whole, but I like sharing our crazy OCD creative behaviors. Thank you all for sharing! And Jon: Congrats on 40 days!! Glad to hear the fog is lifting. Those windows are amazing aren't they?