BeHereNow

Yeah Ashley!! AWESOME!! Crush that anxiety!!! Running or walking, it doesn't matter cause moving is moving. Hooray!!! Yeah Cat! Get those miles!!! I love our club so much!

Jon what you just said here really resonated with me! My writing projects on adderall became compulsive in a way similar to your heart-shaped rock collecting (which by the way I find pretty fascinating and unique, adderall aside it's just interesting behavior! Besides, heart shaped rocks are pretty damn beautiful.) But like they complemented you, people would sometimes complement me on my dedication or level of inspiration or whatever. Meanwhile I was driving myself INSANE. I just couldn't get any of it together! I started saying, "I need a lobotomy." I would write my work off as the acts of a crazy person. And then I would take a pill again the next morning. I would write literally 8x the maximum word count, but I couldn't get anything organized or coherent. And I couldn't figure out why. But you're right. It's because adderall had tucked itself into my being so well that I couldn't even see its role in my madness: a demon, my secret weapon, my beloved ally, could NEVER have been culprit.....well-hidden in my neurons and synapses, my muscle fibers, skin, eyes, heart, kidneys, spine, even in my bones. Quitting must be nothing short of an exorcism.

Congrats Infinitya, it's a hard choice to make! Hope you stick around here. This site has been crucial for my quitting process, and that's true for many other people here too

Yeah Cat!!! I'm so happy you're joining! I really like having a weekly goal better than a daily goal. I've made up thousands of daily goals but they never work out because my schedule is always changing, or because some days I just don't feel like it, and then I fall off the bandwagon, feel hopeless, and give up. The weekly goal lets me be flexible. It's also fun to read about people's experiences and check in here. It really helps hold me accountable. Maybe the weekly goal could help you with your evening workout? If you run 3 miles, 4x a week, or 4 miles 3x, or 6 miles 2x, that could let you work around your evening plans and just go when you want. In terms of your question about switching your workout time, I think it's possible. When I was on adderall it HAD to be in the evenings (which eventually became never). But now I can go in the mornings too and I'm fine with it. Actually, I kind enjoy morning running now. I feel great all day, endorphines + knowing that I already worked out + no time to talk myself out of it!

Thanks so much for your support Ashley!!! <3 How's everyone doing?! Went for an amazing 5-mile evening trail run, on top of a little mountain that you have to climb first (1/2 mile, ~500 feet gain). Got to watch the sunset at the end and it was really beautiful. Haven't been keeping up with my push up goal as much, but did 30 today and those are getting easier. I remember doing this run last year, when I was taking adderall (both on and off adderall days.) I'm feeling sooo much fitter now. I ran the whole loop this time and in the past I used to walk several sections. And then, I remember having a horrible running hangover afterwards because of adderall and dehydration. I love that I get to actually enjoy the runner's high now.

Infinitya, it sounds like you have your answer. Either way you choose to quit (tapering or cold turkey), the key is probably gonna be to swap adderall for exercise. What an amazing trade! Towards the end, adderall made it harder for me to exercise too. I was always scared I was going to have a heart attack. It's not the same for everyone but for a lot of people quitting helps make exercise more of a priority. More exercise --> more muscle tone and strength --> higher metabolism --> minimal weight gain and a TONED body. Maybe once you reduce your dosage a bit, you could start adding some light exercise to the mix gradually? While you taper one down, you taper the other up? Like Jon said you'll have to see what works for you. But first, you have to be committed to quitting.

Wow Zerokewl this is truly inspiring, thank you for sharing! I can't see your eyes over the internet, but I can actually hear it in your words that you're recovering and getting better. Congratulations on 3 months!!

I will say this much: You can't stay on adderall forever. It is an unsustainable way of maintaining your weight. Besides, you said it, you're not even overweight--you're probably pretty tiny. Most people do gain a little weight when they quit. It's different for everyone though. I've actually lost around 10 lbs since I quit. Adderall made my metabolism drop to next to nothing since I literally wasn't eating. Plus I was being sedentary and drinking too much beer. Now I eat really healthy, raw produce is the base of my food pyramid, I work out, and my metabolism magically went right back up when my body realized I wasn't starving anymore. But that's me, and I was a pretty extreme case. Anyway, after years of experimenting, I've realized the best way to maintain weight is a sustainable lifestyle, to keep your weight relatively stable. You're probably not going to have that script forever (and would you want to be on adderall for the rest of your life?) so I'd say you might as well start thinking about other ways. My 2 cents.

Here's the link for ya: http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/879-8-stages-of-amphetamine-useabuse/

That must be so hard to bear. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I hope things get better for you. Maybe eventually she will hit rock bottom and be forced to quit. For me at least, that was the only way quitting was going to happen. I hope this isn't the case because its not fun to go to the end of the adderall road, but on the other hand it sounds like she's probably pretty close anyways. Hey, if you go under the "Announcements" folder there's a thread called "the 8 stages of amphetamine addiction." It was pretty insightful for me, I realized I ended up at stage 7. Maybe you could share it with her-- maybe she'll get a better sense of just what what the adderall path looks like, and where it can lead (permanent brain damage.)

Did a few miles last night. Not sure the exact mileage because I was out of town visiting friends and I just kept going. I'm dealing with a lot of very heavy life stuff right now and this was definitely an anxiety/grieving run. It was really late at night (like 12:30) when I said to my friend, "I can't take it anymore, I know this sounds crazy but I just need to go running." She gave me a flashlight and some mace and I ran until around 2 am. It was really beautiful, with the moon out and a thunderstorm at the very end. And I had this major epiphany out there in the darkness: that I AM A RUNNER. This is a side of me I lost on adderall, and now I am reclaiming it. I know this sounds pretty great and maybe enviable for people who struggle to get moving (a struggle I definitely relate to.) It's weird though, because I experienced this realization as a burden in some sense-- an obligation. A burden, a challenging and joyful one. Its NOT optional for me. Just as maintaining my core/back strength is not optional because of my car accident, running is also just not optional, it's required. I'm going to need to be running miles upon miles every day of my precious short life. It's the only sustainable method I have for dealing with my own mind. This moment reminded me of when I realized that I needed to be a teacher, even though it's one of the harder life paths I could have chosen. Because despite everything I have to deal with every day for my job, it's what I need to do in order to be and become myself. And yeah, I'm one of those people who is lucky enough to love their job, but it's a lot of work and a lot of politics. When I realized I needed to take this path, it was the same kind of epiphany. The same dread of knowing how hard it would be-- how hard I would need to push myself every day. But also the same sense of joy, knowing that it's a good path and it doesn't matter how hard it is because it's fucking worth it.

Words of wisdom right here!! We need to be good to ourselves, we are doing something really difficult. Thank you for sharing your journey Jon. I think it's amazing that you've made this choice after being on adderall for 12 years.

Cassie, Thank you so much for sharing this. Your insight helps me to understand what a long process this recovery truly is, and gives me hope for a better future. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Sebastian our journeys are different but I can relate to you. I'm also at 7 months and also working on my confidence, motivation, anxiety, PAWS and mood swings. I'm still lacking a certain enthusiasm for life that I used to have. I even tried Lexapro but it made me feel crazy, anxious, manic, and just weird, so I stopped. I do my best to stay really positive overall. I need to, it's just how I deal with life and the world. But I also have this dark side that continues being really hard on myself. Not on anyone else, only on myself. People keep telling me to cut myself some slack. In a way, it's a protective mechanism: if I'm harder on myself than anyone else, then nobody can hurt me more than I hurt myself. It's not true though, because there are some very mean people in this world. I'm much better now than when I was on adderall. But I keep having self doubting thoughts, wondering what's wrong with me, why I'm so introverted, why I keep choosing solitude, why I have such bad anxiety-- including social anxiety, why I can't sleep, why I don't have more control over my own mind.... I keep second-guessing my own choices, words, intelligence, and capabilities. Haha, the other day I got REALLY upset with myself for losing at arm wrestling, even though I put in a good fight against someone bigger than me....I KNOW this is ridiculous and irrational, but it happened. And then, comically, I start being hard on myself for being hard on myself! So, maybe the adderall and brain chemistry changes are to blame? I was 10000000% more confident and energetic before I went on it. Maybe these are underlying issues I already had, and maybe adderall made them pathological. I'm realizing that it changed me very, very deeply as a person, and for the worse. Anyways, sorry this is so long. Thank you Cassie for giving me hope that in another year or so I might have a better future to look forward to, and that I can still get myself back. Congrats Sebastian on 7 months!!! Congrats Cassie on 18 months!!! Congrats Jon on 5 weeks!!!!! I consider myself lucky to be fighting through this with such amazing people.

Hi and welcome RandomSQ, Thanks for sharing your story! Sounds like you've been through a lot, and it also sounds like you know you need to quit. So what factors are stopping you? If it's a matter of access, then cutting yourself off in any way necessary (flushing the pills, asking your dr to stop prescribing) is crucial. You asked for strength...... but based on your story, I can tell you are an extremely strong, powerful person. Like many of us, you just got caught up in a very powerful, very addictive and seductive drug. A drug that pretends to offer even more strength to people who already have it all within them. (Its a liar.) I can tell that you already have the strength in you. You have all the power you need to do this. And a supportive loving partner who will help you through. Are you ready to quit? Do you WANT to? Are the costs of taking adderall outweighing the benefits? How is it affecting your relationships? Your identity? You've quit before, so you know the deal. You know what withdrawals are like, and you DO know how to say no. All those times you've quit before are like practice for when you quit for real: when you quit forever and never turn back. It sounds to me like it's your time, but it's up to you. Are you ready to quit for real and forever? To never look back, no matter what? To reclaim YOURSELF and YOUR LIFE?

Amelie, I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin. I can't even imagine what you and your family are going through, or how hard it must be to be so far away from them at this time. My heart goes out to you!

I'm only on my way back into the workout routine, but what's worked for me has been working out often enough that I feel like absolute shit if I don't work out. Where my body is NOT OK and I don't feel like myself until I get that workout in. It's like my muscles start itching and I feel lethargic if I don't go work out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not there yet......... but that feeling, which is only the result of habit, has been a huge motivator to make it happen. Also, 9 pm isn't too late (depending on your bedtime.....?) I actually really enjoy night running around my neighborhood. Or try the morning? Also..... is there something really fun and active that you enjoy? What about a rock climbing gym? That's good for strength training. Whatever works, for me at least it HAS to be something something to look forward to or else I won't go.

Ashley I'm so happy the Wellbutrin is helping, even if only just a little! Soo...... guess who's back in the club!! I'm at 14 miles total for the week, 12 were running. And as usual..... tonight's run only happened because our club is keeping me accountable. Good job friends!

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like a truly agonizing situation, with no simple solution. I'm not really in any position to offer marriage advice, but as a recovering adderallic who ruined a great long-term relationship through my own adderall abuse, I can try to offer some ideas. It sounds like your wife is hurting pretty deeply and having trouble coping with her pain. Adderall might be blocking her from healing and moving forward. Many people abuse adderall as a way of numbing themselves emotionally. In my own previous experience, abusing adderall to numb myself emotionally prevented me from working through any issues, challenges, and decisions I was facing. It sounds like she's using the same unhealthy coping mechanism, and it sounds like it's preventing either of you from healing. Adderall abuse not only leads to emotional numbness, but also isolation from the people we love. So it's possibly also directly hurting your relationship by leading to this kind of isolation. Do you think this is the case with her? You mentioned counseling-- Have you gone to counseling/therapy together? It sounds like you and your wife probably have a lot to work through-- any underlying issues that may have led up to your affairs, for example, plus their aftermath and the dynamics between you two in general, which includes her addiction. Will she be able to forgive you for those affairs? Does she have any desire to quit? You can't force her to quit, and she won't quit unless/until she truly WANTS to. When people do quit, they are often overwhelmed with emotions that adderall previously blocked. This can be pretty intense, and it usually changes relationship dynamics. She might become a lot more loving, but on the other hand she might also realize just how hurt she is when she finally has to face her pain. Lastly: would she choose you over adderall? I wish you and your wife nothing but the best, and I hope you're able to work things out in a way that feels right for both of you.

Hi Amelie, How are you doing? Still with us? It's so hard especially in the beginning. I know you can do this. You are way too good to go back into that addiction hell. I'm sorry to hear about your bad marks. It's probably because you're in the very beginning stages of recovery, and that takes an incredible amount of strength to do both at once. Once your brain heals more you'll get your natural talents back, better and stronger than on speed.

Congrats on 30 days Jon!!! And many thanks for your kind words!! Writing this goodbye letter was really important to me, and I kept re-visiting it to remember why I was going through this quitting hell. I'd recommend it. It was pretty powerful experience to write it all out and tell adderall to fuck off! Ha! I can tell that you WILL be a success story. It's true that a lot of people relapse and disappear from here. Staying on this site and posting often is a huge part of why I'm still quit today, almost 7 months strong. Keep it up, it's totally worth it.

HI friends!! Thanks so much for all the encouragement and motivation! Ashley I'm really sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I hope things start getting better for you and hope that the Wellbutrin works out. I agree with you that the anxiety seems to be pretty genetic. I've been getting really into running off my anxiety! Back in the adderall days I used to wonder what was wrong with all those morning workout people, lol. But lately, when I wake up at 4 am having my usual morning panic attack, it helps me to take a klonopin and then go running at dawn. I only do that when it's REALLY bad. But I usually start feeling better at around mile 3-4, and then can sleep a little more afterwards. I don't know if thats helpful to you, but it works for me. Well anyways, I just wanted to update that I'm up to 10 miles for this week. But that includes walking and hiking. I think I'm at around 8 miles of running. Just did a 4-5 mile trail run/hike and felt great! Extra challenging with the roots and rocks I had to maneuver, and added a steep hill too. Anyways I'm totally getting those last 4 tomorrow! You all amaze me!!!

MFA! I'm sorry for my delayed response! Thank you so much for your kind words-- they mean everything to me especially coming from such an incredible soul as yourself!!! I've learned so much from you, from your honesty, strength and insight, and it's incredible to get to share this journey towards a better life, adderall-free. I think I'm not the only one who can say I've missed you! I'm doing okay! Thank you for asking! I've had some big ups and downs myself...... This summer dealt me some pretty heavy duty medical issues, not adderall related thankfully, but I'm OK. I've also been dealing with some family stuff too. It's been lots of ups and downs--- a roller coaster on top of the quitting roller coaster. Anxiety and some moderate depression but staying strong. Teaching, working with great students, which is so fun. I've been running more often too. I'm starting to take out my anxiety on working out and it really helps. I still think about adderall sometimes. Found an old empty pill bottle under my couch and my first thought was whether there was any in there. But I'm not taking that road. 2013, the year of the snake, seems to be a pretty rough year for a lot of people. Shedding the old skin is not easy. I don't know why we all seem to go through stuff together-- I could blame it on astrology or something, but who knows. At least we can support each other through our challenges-- and our successes. Anyway, enough about me and sorry to hijack your thread! I am SO HAPPY you are still here and still as strong as ever!

Great job Ashley and Greg!! Well my # from last week remained at 7 miles. I won't blame the heat or anything else (even though it's been weighing me down), I'm just going to focus on moving forward this week. Hiked 2 miles yesterday (all stairs the first mile), and planning a night run tonight. And a gym membership this week! Our club is still motivating me!!

Hey Drew, First of all I think you're amazing! Based on 2 things that you said: First, that you were honest enough with your dr to say that you weren't taking your meds correctly and needed to stop. That must have taken a huge amount of courage, is incredibly honest and a huge step towards getting the real you back. Second, a lot of people --especially addicts-- don't think of things like "the girl I am dating now does not deserve someone who binges on drugs." Obviously you are very thoughtful and kind and strong and I can tell that you care a lot about yourself and other people. She is lucky! But let's add another layer to that one: YOU don't deserve to live a life of binging on drugs. You are way too good to put yourself through this! It sounds like you know it too, on a deeper level, but it also sounds like adderall is preventing you from seeing the quality person you are. I'm glad to hear you cancelled your script. If you really want to quit, lowering the dosage usually doesn't work-- most people who have abused adderall need to quit altogether and never take it again. Maybe all the good things that have happened to you off adderall are a hint of the life you have ahead of you if you stay clean. Run with it!

Glad to hear from you MFA! I've been wondering about you and hoping you're doing okay. Sorry to hear about all those challenges you've been facing. Life is pretty rough lately, for most people I know actually. Anyway, I'm so happy you're still going strong. You're amazing <3