BeHereNow

OK as promised. Did 3.75 miles tonight and 15 push-ups. It just felt great to move.

Ashley congrats on the 5k!!! InRecovery congrats on 13.1 two days in a row!!! I can't even imagine doing that! I'm going to sign up for a half marathon so I have to force myself to make the time to train. I don't want to start losing all the progress I've made over stupid work. Going for a run tonight to start off this upcoming week right. No drinking, all running.

Just rode 9.6 miles. My body really wants to run but it's not looking like I'll be in the club this week since I have so much work to do this weekend. This past week of sedentary life, I'm definitely noticing a difference in terms of my mental states. I've been extra moody, PAWS-y, anxious, depressed. I feel like I've taken several steps backwards. I can't help but wonder if it's because I haven't been working out.

Hi zhenka, I definitely had adderall induced depression. I was not depressed when I started. It was one of the happiest times of my life. (Wow what a mistake I made.) Well, within months I was extremely depressed. Yeah there were some life changes involved so I blamed them, I never blamed it on the adderall but in hindsight I know it was because I know how it affects my brain chemistry now. It got worse and worse. My final month on adderall was probably the worst month of my life. That adderall hell was so much worse than quitting. I've been depressed through much of my quit, but there is NO WAY that even the worst bout of PAWS-induced depression could even come close to how bad it was last November/December.

Not-so-strong. Physically and emotionally, just not feeling so strong today. : /

THANK YOU ASHLEY!!!!!!! It's definitely not that easy, it's probably one of the hardest things I've EVER done. As hard as it is sometimes, it does feel great to be this far away from that adderall hellhole. You inspire me so much!!! I think you're amazing! So grateful for our supportive honest little quitting community here

I try to only count running miles too. BUT those walking/biking/etc miles DO still count for something, so I like to have an overall miles tally, and a running-only tally. Speaking of which....... I'm still at 0 for the week : / Gotta get on this!

Nine. As in: NINE MONTHS CLEAN.

InRecovery I can't imagine how much strength this must be taking and I admire you. It sounds like you're not even tempted. I'll be honest, my initial reaction was, damn I wish someone had put that note under my door. My rational mind is really sad this is the way it is for so many college students. My rational mind would NEVER hang the white flag, no matter what, and knows those fools are just asking to be busted and/or destroy their lives with adderall-- not to mention that I have all these reasons for quitting etc. .....but the addict mind says, mmmmmm there's some adderall available somewhere out there. :/ Hmm. Just admitting that gives the adderall monster less power somehow.

MFA your plan sounds great! I'm into the 12 miles, 4 days a week thing. Squats and weights sound great too. I'd like to get into them at some point but it's tough to be motivated to actually do it because I get bored at the gym. Same with the treadmill, I just stare at the numbers and can't wait to be done. Actually, push ups totally bore me too but I just force myself to crank them out fast because it's pretty much my only core/back/upper body workout, and it's extremely efficient because it's so tough and so boring. I guess once you get into the rhythm of any workout, it can become fun. Maybe working out, like everything else with adderall recovery, comes down to figuring out our natural/genuine sources of motivation, and working with those.

Greg you totally inspire me!! Knowing that you've done the 13.1 so many times already makes me want to step up my game! I think I'm going to sign up for a half marathon. But I've only done 13.1 that one time so I need to start pushing distances more consistently! Things have been pretty busy for me too but I got my miles in at the last minute yesterday. I did around 17 miles this week, and 12-13 of those were running (the rest were hiking). I also got my 100 push-ups but 45 of those were yesterday, last-minute style. I would NOT have worked out yesterday if it weren't for our club. I love how we inspire each other in here!!!! Amazing job Greg MFA & Ashley!!!!!! BTW, has anyone experimented with a running/workout schedule? I'm thinking of having mandatory running days on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and either Saturday or Sunday or both. That way I know when I have to go, and can't procrastinate, and maybe can start upping my miles too. But I'm scared that having required days might make it a chore. I like the flexibility of the weekly goal with nothing else. Hmmmm......

Aww MFA! Sorry to hear that! It sounds like a recovery day is a good idea and I'm really happy you weren't seriously hurt!! We just changed the week, so Sunday is the new last day of the week. Are you gonna go for the full 12?!

YES! 12 miles doesn't sound like a lot, (nor does my 100 push ups/week goal), but actually doing it makes a HUGE difference in terms of fitness and overall well being.

Yeah. I get caught in shame spirals too, in fact it happened this morning. And then I don't get anything done because there's too much shame, and then it piles up, and then I'm rushing at the last minute...... Maybe we need to fight the shame spiral! So, this evening I have shit to read, shit to write, and shit to grade. It's going to take a miracle, as usual. I've been missing adderall a LOT lately. I know I'm romanticizing it, but I miss getting shit done with its help. I hate how long things take me now. I hate that my work day no longer involves that euphoric feeling. Recovering from adderall is so fucking hard :/

Hungry!

YEAH MFA!!!! You're already halfway there!!!

MFA I would love it if you joined us!!!

5 mile trail run yesterday!! With 40 push ups total at break spots along the way. SO FUN!

Hooray, the like quota limit has been bothering me for a long time!

Better. Hope you are feeling better too MFA!

Good job Greg!!!! I think you're right with the new shoes!!! I got my 12, just barely. With 65 push-ups. Wanted to do more tonight, maybe tomorrow instead!

PAWS.

Ham, I can relate so much to what you're saying. I'm around 8 months clean too, almost 9, and I've been missing adderall a LOT. I'm not about to go back on it or anything, it's just a long process of accepting that that 'secret weapon' is now gone. To me, it's useful to acknowledge when I'm missing or craving it, and why, and then I can let those feelings go. Thats pretty much what you're doing here, and I think it's pretty healthy. And to be honest, I think I need to be doing this too. So, I'm going to follow your example and stop being in denial. I'm going to list the things I miss about adderall, because I can relate to a lot of your reasons too. And then next to each one I'm going to let my sober brain respond. In the process I'm going to try to talk myself out of missing it. Because I think adderall might be lying to us right now, and I want to reveal its lies. *TRIGGER WARNING* Things I miss about adderall, followed by responses from my sober brain: -I REALLY miss that feeling of it FIRST KICKING IN after a good night's sleep, preferably after a couple days off.... mmmmmmmm and then getting sooo excited about whatever I had to do that day, about being alive. That feeling stopped happening. The feeling of adderall kicking in became dysphoric towards the end. Or, I would just take it and feel normal and/or hollow. -I miss that 'brainy feeling' I would get on adderall, especially while reading really hard books, the way the page would light up and everything would make sense and my brain could process it all so quickly and so intricately, it was almost like I was accessing another dimension--I felt like I understood things on a deeper level. Yeah. That 'brainy' feeling is gone forever. It can literally NEVER happen again because I crossed the line into addiction. It's just me and my plain brain now. But it was my brain the whole time and anyways, adderall is a neurotoxin. The brainy feeling was poisonous in the long run. 'Another dimension???' Yeah, it's called AMPHETAMINE PSYCHOSIS. -I miss feeling enthusiastic and confident that I could take on the world...........with my 'secret weapon' in my bag all the time to give me that edge. No matter how tired, underslept, overworked, etc. I was, I could always push it even harder, get up early if needed, down for whatever! I miss that so much! Uhhhh, why the hell would anyone miss a life of OCD, overwork, nothing ever being good enough, being constantly underslept, malnourished, and anxious???? -On adderall I could pretty much ALWAYS FIND INSPIRATION!!! What the hell kind of inspiration is THAT?!?! In the long term, adderall removed my inspiration and I'm still trying to get it back. I WANT IT BACK. WHICH IS WHY I WILL NEVER RELAPSE. -I used to be better at doing more with each day. I used to be able to kinda keep up. I'm falling behind at work already and it's NOT a good time for that!!!! I actually didn't get THAT much done with each day, I just FELT like I was. But in some respects, I must acknowledge that I WAS more able to keep up with work than I am now. Was it worth it? Was it worth ruining my life???? HELL NO. -I miss being able to get crappy things done FAST. OK, nothing much has really changed. Crappy things deserve to get done as fast as possible. That's why they're called CRAPPY. -I miss being able to dull my emotions at the drop of a dime. I miss that 'I don't give a fuck, I've got more important things to think about' feeling I had on adderall. I'm sick of being so sensitive now. All these damn human emotions, I hate having to deal with them. Yeah, well. Being alive is never easy. -I miss not needing to eat all the time. I am SO HUNGRY all the time anymore!!!!! It's really expensive, and annoying! YUMMMMM!!!!!!! I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!! -In the early days, I was working out on adderall. I trained for a triathalon on it. I miss that boost. For me, adderall led to a sedentary lifestyle in the end. Now that I've gotten more into it, working out is a lot more fun, and healthier, off adderall. I can actually experience my runner's high now. I would never give that up. -I feel like I've lost some of my zest and enthusiasm for life. I miss having lots of hobbies too. I don't have as many anymore. I've lost some of the pleasure I used to have in doing things I like and I'm kinda lacking in inspiration these days....... that certain something that drives me in life, that edge, or whatever. Adderall is the culprit. Adderall is what removed that genuine enthusiasm, that edge, that energy I used to have before I tried it. Only time and healing will bring it back..... if it ever does come back. -I think I was in some ways more social during my adderall days. But ONLY when it was wearing off and I was going out drinking during the comedown. I'm pretty antisocial lately. I don't even make it a priority. I'm a total hermit. I was a socially anxious hermit on adderall, with little to no interest in being social. THIS is a huge part of what I am working to heal. Again, adderall was the problem, not the solution. -I miss my ex, who was also my adderall buddy. Adderall aside, we really loved each other and we had so much fun together. *Silence* EDIT: Maybe it's just a PAWS day but this DID NOT help me, at least not today. The addict mind is currently winning this debate :/

So ummm, how can you tell if you're getting out of shape? I ran 3.83 and some of my quad and calf muscles started hurting about halfway through. I can't tell if I've been pushing it too hard or if I'm out of shape, LOL! My guy says I'm not stretching enough. So maybe that's it? Whatever, nothing major. HAPPY FRIDAY PEOPLE!!! EDIT: Luckily the soreness was nothing an hour of dancing and a couple beers couldn't fix. Feeling great! I really do believe in the recovery workout.

This is such a tough one. Similar things happen to me. I think it depends on what you're actually doing, but I'm hoping to get some good ideas here too. The checklist is a good idea, so is being forgiving with yourself because it happens to everyone! Lately, when there's a lot going on, I try to prioritize. This works great with to-do lists, but sometimes you just have to do it mentally. I have to remind myself what to focus on, what's most important, and what to tune out (which in your case probably wouldn't go over so well with your wife! But for example, today someone was talking to me and there were other conversations in the background that were distracting me. I almost missed an important part of what this person said because I was starting to listen to the other conversation. I had to consciously remind myself, OK, that's background noise, so tune it out and keep focusing on the person talking to me. I don't know, that's a small example. Focusing is TOUGH.