BeHereNow

Good question! For me, there isn't really any one set time of day. It's more dependent on day and context, whether it's a PAWS day, whether I have a huge project to get done, whether I'm depressed, etc. Morning is sometimes really tough for me though, I can definitely relate to that, but it's getting easier. But afternoon can be a trigger as well. I think a lot of it has to do with how you approach the day. What kind of flow or rhythm I set up in the beginning sets the pace for the rest of the day, which affects whether and when triggers happen. I think I'm finally starting to realize that sleeping late is bad for me. I have to be extremely self-scheduled and if I don't get up and get started early--if I go back to sleep or lounge around or whatever--I never get the chance to really get moving. I get nothing done and find myself freaking out or feeling like a fraud/failure and wishing for adderall by 4 pm. So, as nice as it is, sleeping late can be a major adderall trigger.

Hi friends! Check in Sunday! How's everyone doing?! I'm on a two week streak of 0 miles per week. I was sick, and then fell out of my running habit. BUT I did make myself go to the gym on Friday. 20 minutes on the ladder machine, 20 minutes of rowing. I was glowing for hours afterwards!! Time to start running again.... for real!

Thanks Jon! I fully believe optimism and being positive are contagious. I caught it from an old friend who was dealt a very bad hand in life, but who always chose to stay positive no matter what. To me, it doesn't mean being unrealistic, and it doesn't mean overlooking or denying the bad. Being positive is just how I cope with it, and includes facing everything bad and working through it as best I can--or at least I try. I strive to choose to stay positive, to focus on gratitude and hope and beauty, and hope it spreads to others. It IS a challenge, and a choice. Being depressed makes it harder to stay positive; I have to work for it, and I can't always get there. But it DOES help when I'm mindful of it, and it makes the happy times in life so much better too. I think negativity is contagious too...... it works both ways.

I got 0 for the week. I'm fighting a low grade flu / cough/cold though, so I'm not pressuring myself right now. Great job everyone!

I only got 6 miles this week. I did them all in one day. But at least I'm FINALLY done with finals!!!!

Climbing mountains and xc skiing count too!

I can't even believe I'm saying this, but today I am celebrating my one-year adderall-free "birthday!!!" One year ago today I was reborn into a new life of being clean and doing things on my own rather than letting a stupid pharmaceutical drug run my life for me--Into a new life of BEING ME--a life more fully lived, a more vibrant and more human life. A new life in which I can allow own natural inspiration to grow--a new life of bringing my true self into my life and work, of actually experiencing my life and all the emotions--good and bad--that go with it, rather than dulling the pain with a drug that was slowly killing me. I honestly cannot believe I survived all that horrible PAWS, mood swings, frustration, insomnia, depression, and anxiety, without relapsing. I also cannot believe I didn't fuck up my career in the process, which as many of you know was my worst fear in quitting. The worst damage happened while I was ON adderall, and was BECAUSE of adderall. But I couldn't see that then. Quitting has turned out to be a good thing. That's something I could never have imagined when I was on adderall, because I truly believed I couldn't do anything without the pills. I know that I still have a long ways to go. But I can look back with confidence and know that the worst of the quitting process is behind me. The worst of it was within the first 6-8 months. I am feeling increasingly stable now. My brain seems to be more or less functioning again, at increasingly higher levels. Sharper. Stronger. More genuine. Grounded. More focused, and capable of focusing for longer periods of time. Better memory. More inspired and creative. More fully connected to my revived, beating heart. As this website says, there IS life after adderall! I'm not back to my pre-adderall brain, and I probably never will be. Instead, I'm going to make it better. I am on an upwards spiral and determined to create a life that's infinitely better than I could ever have imagined when I was on adderall. Because back then, all I really thought about was taking more pills. Gosh did that limit my imagination. My mind is so much freer now. I can actually think again. Reflecting on my recovery, I think that the bulk of the physical/neurological aspects of recovery have happened in the first year. In the upcoming year, now that I'm somewhat physically recovered, I need to focus on cleaning up the mess I made of my life when I was on adderall. I need to break all the bad life habits I created on adderall. These habits include: Letting my social anxiety stop me from interacting with great people. Shutting people out. Isolating myself. Being WAY too hard on myself, to the point of self-deprecation. That has got to stop. In the same vein, self-confidence! Adderall destroyed what I had of it, and I need it back (and then some!) Putting too much pressure on myself. Nothing is ever good enough. That's an adderall mentality that has got to go. Making overly ambitious to-do lists, and being frustrated when I can't get to everything on the list. That's an adderall mentality. I need to be more realistic about what I can and cannot accomplish. I need a better understanding of my limits and the limits of time. I need to appreciate them as part of being human, part of living in this world. Letting stress and anxiety mess with the deepest spaces of my heart. Being hypersensitive. This isn't the way I was on adderall (it dulled me), but I've become hypersensitive in quitting (emotional lability.) In 2014 I want to build a thicker skin. Mood swings. I want to be more stable. Not making art. (I want to start painting again.) Natural inspiration. I let adderall steal my natural inspiration. I'm slowly getting it back. But I need to get some serious momentum going right now so I can start writing my thesis. (Wow did I quit at just the right time!) Thinking that my workload precludes working out. I've made some major steps in this direction and started running again, but more is still needed. I still allow myself to be "too busy" to incorporate working out into my life. "Too busy" to go running or hiking?! PLEASE. Being late. I'm a lot more punctual than I was on adderall; I've even developed some systems, such as being really early, to help me cope with my lateness tendencies. But more is still needed! Drinking. On adderall I used to pretty much live on beer. I drink with much more moderation now, and I also actually eat food now, but I still want to cut back on my alcohol consumption. Sugar. I developed a nasty sweet tooth on adderall, and I'm working hard to rid myself of it. This is hard to say right now, but eventually I'd like to stop taking all pharmaceuticals. That needs to wait for further down the road though--year 3 of my recovery maybe, because Wellbutrin and Klonopin are lifesavers for me. They have improved my quality of life and I'm OK with that for now. I am 100% POSITIVE that I would have relapsed if it wasn't for our quitting community here. You all have been an incredible source of inspiration, advice, support, ideas, and strategies for getting through it. You all are the main reason--if not the ONLY reason--that I was strong enough not to relapse when I came within inches of it. You all have helped me to become strong enough to see that IT GETS BETTER, strong enough to push forward despite the horrific roller coaster that is quitting adderall, strong enough to rediscover my love for running (extra special thanks to the 12 miles a week running club for that one!!!), strong enough to survive what has been the hardest year of my life (quitting aside), without turning back.

Congrats on one year Sebastian!!!!!

4 adderall-free miles to match your adderall-free 4.0 GPA!!!! You're so badass InRecovery!!!!

They failed their final exam!

InRecovery I just graded 30 take home exams and they were strictly forbidden to collaborate. I found 12 that had obviously collaborated/cheated. Who knows, they were probably popping adderall together too. I'm sure there were more I didn't catch. It was sooooo tedious sitting there comparing these exams. I deal with plagiarism on a regular basis, at least 1-2 times a semester, and it's such a waste of my time as an instructor. Its really disheartening too especially because some of the strongest (or so I thought) students turn out to be cheaters in the end. I'm going to have to go back to in-class exams next semester. And I HATE HATE HATE blue books. I truly don't believe in those types of tests for learning. People just memorize facts and then forget them. I put a lot of thought into how I write my exams, curriculum design, etc. trying to maximize learning, trying to inspire people to want to actually learn and not just care about grades, and I definitely set them up for success. Because they are adults and I expect them to be in college because they want to. And they STILL F*ING CHEAT! I don't take it personally, but it really breaks my heart that this is so common. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of amazing students with integrity too. But it kills me that so many college students can't even handle a take home exam or writing their own papers, or reading a f*ing book rather than copying off some stupid website. Or popping pills. Sorry, I guess I'm venting, but I'm also just adding to your point about how bad cheating is on college campuses. What's the point of getting a degree if you don't even want to learn anything? A degree based on cheating is WORTHLESS! And meaningless!

Well I'm still at 4 for last week. My body said NO to the 8 mile run yesterday! I'm excited for this week though. i'm with you Ashley, lets get back on it!!

Ashley you can't possibly be that out of shape. You've still been checking in! And remember that running is really mostly mental!! p.s. thanks for the vote of confidence!! I hope I can do that in like a week, or maybe two. we'll see

Yea it's a point system and YES there is an app for it! Haha Called AFPT. You enter your age height weight etc, it also does body fat % calculations, and it tells you automatically what your range would be, and how many points you got for each category. It def makes it easier. I don't really understand why there's a maximum either. Maybe it's like the equivalent of getting a 100% for a grade, and anything above that is extra credit? So this means that the top score would be 300 points because each is worth 100. I like your goal! Wow IR that would be crazy fit if you could get a 6:30 mile! You're super fit already though so I bet you could do it!!! My goal is to get the sit ups for sure, and maybe even increase my points in each category by certain amounts over time. Also, I'm finding that setting the timer for 2 minutes has an extremely motivating effect, way more than just counting push ups without timing them. And then it only takes a short time: Okay, it's just for two minutes. You know, the classic timer technique.

Hi friends! OK here's my late check in! Last week: I DID get my 12 in. I also did some rowing and push ups and planks and stuff at the gym. Hooray! This week: I'm only at 4 miles. I just did them, so if I can crank out 8 more tomorrow I'll be there. It's a stretch, especially with finals still weighing on me......... Today: Motivated by my friend who used to be in the US Army, I decided to see if I'm fit enough to pass the army physical fitness test. FAIL! I passed on the push ups and the 2 mile run. I did 31 push ups in 2 minutes and the minimum for my age/sex is 17. I ran 2 miles outdoors in 17 minutes and the minimum is 20:30. So I was pretty happy with those results. I only failed on the sit-ups. Probably because I've always hated them and never do them; they hurt my back. I need to be able to do 45 sit-ups in 2 minutes and I only got 31. Something to work on! If anyone is interested, here's the link to the army standards: http://usarmybasic.com/army-physical-fitness/apft-standards#.UrY0mmRDtgK

Congratulations Ashley!!! It is a HUGE accomplishment, especially after quitting adderall!!! I'm so proud of you for having the courage and willpower to back there and facing the place that was such a source of dread and adderall-filled memories. You are so amazing!! I hope you have time to really celebrate and enjoy this moment in your life

BTW, I had another really-wanna-relapse moment this morning. I was crying and everything about how stressed out I am and how far behind in my work and much easier it would be to have no emotions and no libido, and blah blah blah. @Blesbro, I was inspired by you to take some "after" pics. Then I went through and found a "before" pic. The "before" is when I was at the peak of my adderall addiction. It's pretty motivating. In the "before" shot I'm out of shape and HEAVY. Wow I had no idea how heavy I was, even though I had to buy new pants. I didn't even recognize that adderall --> lowered metabolism, sedentary life & beer combination was the culprit! It was probably peak weight of my life. So weird. The "after" photos from this morning are like night and day. Maybe I'll get the courage to post them. Taking those pics and comparing made me feel so much better about quitting, and re-invigorated about staying quit. I'm almost at one year!!!!

Sorry to hear that Cat!!! At least we tried! Maybe it's time for a gym membership for us? Mine is active in 3 days!!!!! In the meantime.... I might buy a day pass or something..... its 16 degrees out! BRRRR! Up to 4.7 for the week!

Ugh. Venting! Failed attempt at running! I just sacrificed 2 hours of my precious finals week time to try to go running in one of my favorite spots, because these neighborhoods are getting OLD. I drove 20 minutes each way to get there-- and back-- thinking that the hardly-used back roads would be all snowy and pretty to run on. But there are suddenly logging trucks in those woods, using those roads without plowing them, so they just turned into a big thick sheet of ice. I tried to run along the edges. But I made it less than half a mile before I fell and almost broke my kneecap Soooo frustrating! Conclusion: We are right to avoid running in the ice and snow!

Congrats on your finals InRecovery!!! Just bought a gym membership for the spring semester. It will activate starting in 5 days! In the meantime, snow and ice running it is... I've been wondering about rollover miles too. I love the idea!!! But I think I've used that mentality in the past, implicitly, and I started using my "rollover" miles for months on end....until I was suddenly sedentary and out of shape. Its so its dangerous! Maybe rollover miles with a 2 week limit? Hmm.

Seems to be a trend-- I only got 4 miles in last week. I started all strong with a run last Monday...... and was still all motivated and down to finish the other 8 until I stepped outside into the snow/ice yesterday and lost all motivation. Meh. I think it's a really positive thing that we're still all checking in even when we don't reach our milage. We keep aiming for it. We keep trying!

HAM! I really hope you didn't relapse! I'm still clean, 11 months now already, and still missing adderall. It went away for awhile but now it's back. The stakes are really high right now and I feel like I'm always behind on everything this semester. I'm having a lot of trouble getting/keeping it together. For the most part I'm still doing the bare minimum work-wise. On adderall I was so much better at getting a lot done. Not always more efficient, but at least could get through so much more than I do now. I was a lot better at waking up early to get shit done. And staying up late, and capitalizing on blocks of free time to get shit done. I'm pretty inefficient these days. And I'm really scared of messing up my career. Last night, buried alive in a pile of work, I had a moment where I regretted not seizing my relapse opportunities last semester. I started thinking, damn if I had seized those opportunities I could still be taking adderall. Whenever I see people with prescription bottles, like in the library etc, I immediately notice. Of all the things in the world I could notice, pill bottles are at the top of the list. I immediately wonder what's in there, assume it's probably adderall, and I start thinking of ways I could get my hands on some. :/ There are places I avoid as much as possible because they remind me of being on adderall and I miss it too much. (Too bad my WHOLE DAMN WORKPLACE falls under that category.) If someone offered me adderall right now, I can't say that I wouldn't take it. Will these feelings ever stop?

Just wanted to add a couple tips a friend shared with me that have helped me to lose weight over the years, and for the most part keep it off (my time in adderall addiction stage 7a/b excluded.) 1) The moment your body starts to feel full, STOP EATING. (I know, pretty radical advice right? The same thing works for beer. If you don't want to finish it, don't drink it! 2) Whenever I'm tempted to overeat, my mantra is "It doesn't feel nice!" I repeat it over and over. Overeating feels horrible!! Really, these two tips have become part of my daily life. I used to overeat a lot more often, and for reasons other than hunger (like depression or boredom), when I was younger. But now I'm pretty balanced, just by these tips (and running). Portion control is KEY.

Check in Sunday friends!!!! I FINALLY GOT MY 12!!!!! First time in five weeks I think? I'm back in the club!!! How's everyone doing?

InRecovery, WHAT??? Damn that's really impressive!!!!! Time to sign up for a marathon!!! You are such an inspiration! I only got 4 miles last week. This week I am still at zero. I COULD blame being busy, or the freezing cold, or holiday travels. Or I could change the future, get off my lazy ass and go running. Hmmmmmm...........