BeHereNow

Ashley, WOW that sounds really intense. I'm not sure I could handle working at a rehab place or in the addiction field..... On the other hand, you probably have even more to offer, and could be more helpful, as someone who's been through it..... I guess you'll find out at the interview right? Congrats on the offer InRecovery!!!!!! OK check in Sunday. I procrastinated this week! Friday and Saturday I ran 6 miles total, plus 20 mins of rowing (4k) and 20 minutes of basically running on the stairmaster (climbed 145 floors.) Some planks and push ups too. Hmmmm..... To run 6 miles in the freezing cold tonight as I had planned, or to rest and save it for an even more freezing day/evening this week? Decisions, decisions...... I'm going to just call it a week. Anyway, I have to sit still so much for my job, I realized today that working is a great running recovery time. It helps me feel better and less fidgety while sitting still for hours on end.

Congrats Ashley!!!! That is a huge achievement and something to be proud of!!! I'll be excited to hear how it goes. I just wanted to add...... ANY workplace would be lucky to have you!!! I know I don't know you in person, but as my long-time quitting buddy, I know how incredible you are. I hope you know it too! So just don't ever forget that, no matter what. It's a tough economy and job hunting is tough. Whatever happens, don't ever forget that YOU'RE AMAZING. I admire you in so many ways!!! I'm saying this as a pep talk / confidence booster (even if you didn't ask for it) & as something to remember throughout your interviews & your job searching journey. Also: don't forget that YOU are interviewing them! So get them talking and bring some good questions! You'll do great!

Yeah I really don't think they do anything.

Okay, I still miss adderall sometimes, and I still know that I could NOT handle seeing or being around it without relapsing. I've been clean awhile and I'm really happy about it. (So to anyone considering quitting, please don't be discouraged by what I'm sharing here--quitting is DEFINITELY worth it!!! If anything, all these are reasons to quit ASAP!!) I'm realizing that a huge part of what's holding me back in work and life is the lingering, dreaded adderall mentality. I need to break through this, but every day I'm finding that I'm still in that cage. How to get out of it? To get out of it, I have to think about all aspects of it. (I know I've already posted about this, sorry it's so long, but it's something I really need to figure out ASAP.) I still can't get inspired the way I used to. Not the way I could prior to adderall, and not the way I could when I was taking it. How to get really inspired and excited again? Remembering how to be creative and playful? I feel pretty flat, if that makes any sense. I know it's depression in part, but I also know its partially because of adderall and overall generalized long-term PAWS. I guess I keep hoping for some kind of magic to happen, and it isn't........ Even inspiration is something to strive for I guess. That, and I need to stop taking things so seriously. Adderall had me taking EVERYTHING so intensely seriously, and I guess I'm still in that mentality too. I think it might be partially responsible for this horrible anxiety/panic attack problem I still deal with every day. I still have a pill-popping mentality. I still always think I have to consume some drug before work. Adderall is just replaced with caffeine (coffee, mate, or Stacker 2's.) I have no problem with these, in fact I love coffee and mate. But I don't want to be enslaved to it in order to be productive or creative. I don't want to have a drug ---> work mindset. Closely related, I don't want to procrastinate anymore. I know I can't, but sometimes I still do. To a certain extent it's the way most people are, and to a certain extent only, it's ok. But the adderall mentality is the lie that says, "OH no problem! I'll just wake up early and have some coffee and take care of it then!" Yeah, it's a lie, and it doesn't work without those magical picker-uppers. (Or, really, even with them, at least after a little while.) I think procrastination is tied to the lack of inspiration. When I was driven by my own inspiration, before I gave it over to adderall, there was no desire to procrastinate, because life had its own urgency that would drive me to keep going. I thought adderall would enhance it, and that eventually I could quit and have momentum to keep me going. But that was a lie too. I'm still paying my dues to that devil I guess. POMODOROS. 25 minutes of work, 5 minute break. I first learned about these on adderall. At the time, I couldn't understand why anyone would need it! Hahaha. I wanted to work for 4, 8, 16 HOURS without stopping--not 25 minutes!! (I still do, but can't anymore.) So, lately I've been trying out the pomodoro method. But today I decided to quit. I don't like having a timer running; it just has me looking at the time over and over and wondering when I get a break, which messes with my concentration. (Same reason I can't handle treadmills usually....) I don't want to live my life always looking at the clock. I know I am still someone who can handle long spans of time (though not quite THAT long or THAT uninterrupted). I know that just working (or running, or cleaning, or otherwise absorbing myself in whatever I'm doing) is better for me than trying to slice it into 25-minute chunks (the timer always interrupts me.) But now I'm trying to figure out what will be my next technique. Just get it started and get it done?!?! But how? I must already know how. But that knowledge is buried somewhere...... I think maybe I lost it along the way. Lack of self confidence. It's still a HUGE problem. It's still worse than before I started up on the adderall. What can help with this? I'm thinking of finding a therapist, but I'm debating how much that will really help... And associated with that, being way too hard on myself. Overly ambitious, under-delivering, ALWAYS, and then I'm unhappy with my self-created "failure." And get all depressed about it. It's the same way I used to be on adderall. Just slightly more relaxed. And associated with it, social anxiety. Why? I have NO IDEA. It's something I've always had, but I had it pretty much under control before I started taking stupid adderall again. (DEAR ADDERALL, I REALLY HATE YOU!!!!!!!) So anyway, how long does it take to get out of the "adderall mentality?" Will it take as long as I was on it (as they say about breakups?) More? Less? Has anyone had success with getting out of it? I guess most of it depends on me and how well I can reshape and redirect my worldview and my own thinking. Looking all these issues in the face rather than avoiding them or pretending they're nonexistent. Changing my habits to reflect who I really am and want to be, rather than having the same habits as the adderallic skeleton of a person I was. But this must be a full re-habituation to another way of thinking and living. It won't be the pre-adderall me; it will be a new version of me entirely. It's not just quitting a drug, it's also quitting a whole mindset and way of living and being.

OK! sunday update here. Been aggressively fighting off this cough/cold monster and I'm pretty sure it's on its way out. Ran 4 miles today, which felt GREAT but hopefully won't cause this virus to linger.... 17 miles total this week. No gym time, but got some planks push ups and sit ups too. Might do some more tonight if I'm up for it.

Good luck with your exams InRecovery!!! I think you've banked way more than enough miles to take time off Plus, I've heard that supposedly it's important even for professional athletes to take some time off here and there. Work and working out..... ugh, It's such a tough balance to strike. I don't know if I ever will. I mean on the one hand, running helps me clear my mind, it's inspiring, builds endurance mental and physical, and it helps me feel better about having to sit still and work for hours. Also, it's confidence-building. But on the other hand it's still time away from school and has to be de-prioritized at times. Sometimes I wonder if I could get myself on a really strict schedule, if I could fit more in. More work, and more working out. Anyone use a schedule to keep yourself in check? I got my 12 in early this week, did 6 miles on Monday and 6.9 on Wed. It felt pretty good to get it done and not procrastinate (isn't that always the case with procrastination...?) And now I'm really glad I did because I got my miles in before I caught another horrible cough/cold. Both of which have meant some serious slacking off for me this week, work-wise....... :/

NEW DAY!!!!

One word status update: BRAIN FOG. Trigger trigger trigger. :/ Edit: full on paws

Yeah ZK, that's tough. Working through those old relationships is pretty complicated and triggery. I got an accidental text from a former adderall buddy that said, "Hope the alcohol wears off before the adderall kicks in! Happy Friday!" I was furious. And made that much clear and asked that the person never text me about adderall again, because I quit and it's a struggle every day. But to be honest, it was mostly jealousy. I was extremely jealous of this person's "new" adderall buddy. And I was SO JEALOUS that I was/am no longer the person who could be partying by night, taking adderall by day. In the end, I was jealous over NOTHING. It helps to remember that we are better off now no matter what. I DO NOT WANT to be filling my body with toxic poisons constantly, alcohol by night adderall by day. And anyways, this same friend also said she wished she knew me better now that I'm clean. Because I AM better now. And so are you ZK, and so are we all.

I think it's something ineffable, but adderall DOES seem to age people prematurely. All of the above factors associated with adderall contribute to premature aging that shows on your face: STRESS, dehydration, other substances (cigarettes, alcohol, etc....) lack of sleep, skin picking (where applicable), unhappiness in general created by adderall, the way adderall robs our zest and enthusiasm for life. Another factor is that, I think, some years age us more quickly than others. Stress, life events, etc. can do this. Sometimes when I see one of my parents after a long time, for example, I'll be shocked by how fast they aged in a short time. And they definitely don't take adderall or anything else, they're just getting older. That said, age 26 was one of those years for me and I 100% blame adderall. That year I was entering into a major peak of my adderall addiction, and I was told repeatedly that I looked older. Someone who carded me for alcohol, and a random stranger who was trying to hit on me, both told me I looked at least 2 years older than I was. And I was extremely offended and it threw off my confidence big time. I went out and bought concealer and "age-defying" makeup but that only made it worse. I didn't see, and couldn't understand at the time, that it WAS the adderall. It did age me, physically and mentally. I can't have those years back, and I wouldn't want them back. I'm almost 14 months clean and I look a lot better. I'm not trying to be vain or anything, and I'm not comfortable posting pics, but when I look in the mirror I feel like I've seriously hit age-rewind. My face and eyes have a more youthful 'glow' again. They had been covered up by pasty-pale adderall nastiness for so long. Also, I'm not as stressed or anxious anymore, so my facial muscles aren't tense all the time, which means fewer wrinkles. To be honest, in my OWN opinion, I look a little younger (or definitely at least BETTER) now at 31 than I did from 26-29 when I was all tweaked out. By the way, I really think youth is over-glorified. Life experience is much more precious. It's all about aging gracefully and appreciating every day that we have.

There's always this week InRecovery!!! I'm trying to work on making running more of a priority. Otherwise I'd never go. I want to get on a semi-regular running schedule. It's so important to our mental and physical health, I think work is probably never worth losing out on running. Or sleep, or food. (So much easier said than done....) Got a head start on this week. Did 6 miles yesterday. It was AMAZING! So beautiful!!

I got 4.25 miles of running total. No gym trips this week, but I did spend probably 4-5 hours dancing this weekend Took the weekend off from my no alcohol streak. I went 33 or 34 days, then took 3 days off and I'm getting back on that wagon today. Even after a couple beers Friday night, I spent the next day just wanting all those toxins out of my body. My mood was off too. I think I'm much happier when I'm alcohol-free. My adderall cravings and PAWS days are reduced too. Going running in the sunshine to celebrate Great job this week friends!!!

Ashley let's go skiing and play in the snow!!

BTW, Cat, I'm with you, I prefer the cold any day. During the summer I run at like 5 am to escape the smothering heat!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4brEPvukLU0 SNOWBALLS!!!!!!

Tips for running in the cold? Seems like the bitter cold has held a lot of us back this winter. I know it's held me back all winter and I'm only now really pushing myself to brave the cold. I just forced myself to run 4.2 miles in 18 degrees F. Glad I did but wow that was REALLY COLD. Anyone have good tips for running in the winter? Here are things that help me...... I'd be curious if any of you have other tricks or ideas. Wearing hardcore outdoor clothing meant for winter. NO COTTON. Base layers, at least 2 of them. I often wear a long sleeved thick skiing base layer. A layer or 2 of fleece over this, and a windbreaker type garment on top. Down vest. Thick fleece tights, maybe with pants over them. Moisturizer on any exposed skin. A really good thick moisturizer. Even coconut oil. This helps protect your face etc from the wind. (I just can't bring myself to get a ski mask......) When I step outside I remind myself that it's normal/good to be somewhat cold at first, because I'll warm up. Just get moving and keep moving! Cheap stabilizers to give my shoes extra traction when it's icy/snowy Soup or other hot food when you come home! And I like to turn the heat up before heading out. Know when it's too cold to be safe outside. (Frostbite within 30 minutes? 3 degrees with a wind chill?--NO THANKS!!)

Yeah SweetCaroline!!! Let me know if you join! Thanks for the congrats! Taking a break from alcohol feels pretty amazing and I'd HIGHLY recommend it for adderall quitters!! This time, I set out to go 31 consecutive days. Today is day 31!!! Made my goal!!! After 3 failed attempts I made it! And actually, now that I made it this far I don't even care if I never drink again. Which is a pretty huge change for me. I mean I'm sure I'll still have a glass of wine with friends here and there or something, but that's it. I've been drinking seltzer with lemon, pomegranate juice in a wine glass, grapefruit juice, and other little mocktails... and surprise! I like them better!... And I like myself better now too!!

Adderall definitely lowered my metabolism. If you're not eating enough, or drinking too much, or eating crap like sweets (which I was all of the above), that's a recipe for a low metabolism. When I quit, I started eating again. Eating really healthy food and eventually my body realized I was no longer starving, so my metabolism went back up again. And about five months after quitting, I became physically active again. My metabolism pretty much skyrocketed and the pounds started falling off. Hang in there! Your body will figure this out. We need long term, sustainable, healthy approaches to weight control, and speed drugs fit none of these criteria!!

Check-in Sunday!! How did Team Quitters do this week?!?! (LOL, Also, can we please meet up for a 10k or team-based run race or something someday?! ) Anyways, second week in a row I made the goal! Yay! Running: 12.9 miles. 4.1 of these were on the treadmill. (BTW, I injured the outside of my foot on the treadmill and I now officially hate the treadmill more than ever!!!! I was sprinting hard to make the most of my measly 20 minutes before I got kicked off, and I guess I wasn't paying much attention to my form because all of a sudden I was in SERIOUS pain. Luckily, taking a couple days off, rest, heat, ice, anti-inflammatories, and HOPE that it's not a stress fracture (I'm now pretty sure it's not) got me back running, outside, with almost no pain for the weekend!) Ladder machine: 3300 feet elevation gain / 38 minutes Rowing machine: 5 miles total Planks: 3 days this week, a little over 2 minutes each time. Sides and front. Sit ups: Did 50 yesterday. Super sore today. Push ups: 20 yesterday, on the push up bars. Gotta get back on that!

So true and very well said, quit-once. These points can't be reiterated enough. Hi nosleep_ox!! Welcome back! As you're already seeing, adderall is not sustainable in the long term. It gets worse and worse. The rewards, the euphoria, and even the motivation levels (or any "benefit") you'll get from it, will continue declining. (Check out the article in "Announcements" folder, called "8 stages of amphetamine abuse.") Adderall addiction is a downward spiral. It just brings you further and further downwards; for a lot of people, it ruins your life more and more until you have no choice but to quit. Chasing the addiction is chasing a high that will never be possible for you again. The longer you continue this cycle, the higher the dues you'll have to pay at the back side of your adderall time. So, as someone who completely hit rock bottom with adderall, my suggestion is to not end up like I did-- to STOP NOW before it gets any worse. Because it can only get worse from here. Hope you stick around the forums; they'll help you stay quit when and if make that choice for real. You sound like an amazing person who is way too good for adderall (then again, aren't we all?) EDIT: I didn't mean to sound all negative in this post. What I'm trying to convey, most of all, is that if you want your life to get better, if you want that joy and motivation and happiness and energy back, then QUITTING ADDERALL is the way to go!!! There is a lot of good waiting for you on the other side

I've been meaning to share this with you all! About a month ago I downloaded an app called Lift for my "smartphone". I'm finding it VERY positive and motivating. It's helping me work out, work, and get stuff done in general. Basically, you set up a list of goals or habits you'd like to create, and every day you can check these off when you accomplish them. You can also write notes and share tips with other people, reflect on your progress, give and receive "props," follow friends, etc. It keeps track of how often you do each habit (frequency per week/month), and it keeps track of "streaks" (for example, I'm currently on a 27-day no alcohol streak ) To be honest, part of why this is benefiting me is that it's helping me hold myself accountable. Turns out I hadn't been as productive as I'd thought. But it's really motivating to check off all the good things I want and need to be doing with myself. Things on my list include: no sweets, take vitamins, clean the kitchen before bed, pomodoros, checking my email (which gives me HORRIBLE anxiety), running, push ups, call a friend or family member, spend time outside, "don't take it personally," "be grateful for someone or something," etc. Honestly, for some reason, this is helping me more than any other strategy I've tried since I quit adderall. The website is www.lift.do. I'm pretty sure you can just create an account and use the service there. If anyone is on Lift, or signs up, feel free to message me for my screen name so we can encourage each other!

Quit-Once, that's a good question. It's pretty indirect, but if I can resist the urge to go on the internet before work, it prevents me from getting derailed from what I have to accomplish that day. Which means I'm more productive overall, and I tend to waste less time for the rest of the day. So that helps me feel better at the end of the day. The feeling having accomplished things helps me sleep. Less guilt, less anxiety, less stress. Also, sort of like exercise, doing a bunch of work during the day helps me harness and burn off energy, so I'm more tired at night. I'm realizing that, for me, lazy/unproductive days (not my healthy/designated days off, but the unproductive days I spend mostly watching movies and going on the internet, when I can't get myself going and need to) lead to bad sleep! So, by making myself be more productive during the day, I can get into a better sleep/wakefulness rhythm. It kind of goes along with getting up when you wake up and not going back to sleep, if that makes sense.

Oyvey I thought I was the only one too!!! I did a bunch of reading online about this. It seems pretty rare for people to lose sleep from it the way we do. I think it works best if you're actually melatonin deficient. Which is a different kind of insomnia than anxiety-related or other types of insomnia.

Thanks to this thread, I've spent the past couple weeks really working on my sleep. Getting into a good sleep schedule and sticking with it. I think it's helping! Some new changes that are working: No technology after 11 pm. The blue light messes with your melatonin, and so does the addictive nature of the internet/smartphone. I tried this last night, I just read in bed, and I fell asleep really nicely before midnight. No internet before starting work in the morning. This helps get my mind moving in the right direction, which affects my whole day! Sleeping (or at least actively trying, i.e. laying down in the dark with earplugs and blindfold, NO NETFLIX ALLOWED), by midnight Start working by 9:30 am. (I don't always meet this goal, but it's getting easier and easier!) NEVER GOING BACK TO SLEEP after I'm awake, even if it's too early (Special thanks to QO for that piece of advice!!) NO melatonin!!! It makes me wake up (I mean wide awake) after 4 hours, even the XR formula. With nightmares. Which brings me to my new sleep aid: Trazodone 50mg. I talked to my dr the other day about my bad insomnia. We talked about lifestyle factors, supplements, etc. and he ended up prescribing Trazodone 50mg. Has anyone else used this? It's an SSRI that's sometimes prescribed in lower doses for insomnia, because sleepiness is one of the side effects. (Antidepressant dosage is up to 300 mg.) Seems to have mixed reviews, people either love or hate it. But I've used it for the past 3 nights and it really does help me fall asleep and stay asleep; my only side effect is a little bit of lingering tiredness in the morning before I really get going. It doesn't leave me hungover the way Benadryl does. I'm not feeling any antidepressant effects yet, and I'm not sure to what extent I will. Anyway, I just wanted to pass this on because it's a sleep aid, for those who choose to use them, but it's not a benzo or hypnotic (like Ambien). So, supposedly, it's a safer and less addictive alternative. But who knows, maybe it's yet another pharmaceutical trap.

Pomodoros!