BeHereNow

Hi and welcome! Yes it DOES get better overall. And you'll have good days and bad days. That's to be expected. You've gotten a lot of great advice already but I'll just say this: you do NOT want to have to quit again. Just get through this wall whatever it takes. There's a full life to be lived on the other side You could not pay me to take adderall again either. The idea of it sickens and terrifies me. I used to feel bad for people who didn't have a script. Now I feel bad for people who do.

This has me really worried. Once you're down the addiction rabbit-hole, you can't just have a casual, take-it-or-leave-it attitude where you get to "stay away for the time being." You don't get to take one or two pills on a Saturday night anymore. Your brain does not relate to adderall that way. And probably not alcohol either. Your brain relates to these substances either in large quantities or not at all. In your writings, I can see a thoughtful, intelligent person who truly wants the freedom of not having to go through withdrawals, count pills, moderate, count down until your refill, etc. But I also hear the addict voice in your head resisting this. Quitting is not easy. But do you REALLY want to hit rock bottom? Amphetamine psychosis, permanent damage to brain, body, friendships, etc? If you truly want the freedom of quitting, you need to make the decision once and for all that you will never take adderall again. Your bingeing shows that you can't safely take it at all. Not even one. AA/NA sound like great options, as does your therapist. These forums are very helpful too. But ultimately it's up to YOU to decide what kind of life you want to live.

Congrats on Day 30!!

Check in Sunday friends! Well I still feel fantastic today and maybe part of it is because my week looked like this! Running: 12 miles Dancing: Around 6-7 hours Kayaking: Around 4 hours Planks and push-ups: 2 or 3 days, I can't remember Swimming: 45 minutes on Thursday

Yeah where is MFA? I've been wondering. MFA are you out there?!?!

Congrats ZeroKewl!!! I agree, we sometimes forget to post when we feel good. I love reading posts like this. It's so encouraging!! I feel fantastic too! I swear by eating healthy, exercising a LOT (and making it fun!!!), plenty of sleep, spending time with positive people, staying away from toxic/negative people, laughing. Lots. Good friends. Not taking life or yourself too seriously. Having a good sense of humor and staying positive about life. Its way too short not to. I know I won't shut up about it but I also swear by not drinking alcohol. I am on day 28 alcohol-free and I couldn't be happier to never drink alcohol again! I'm so excited to reach day 60 because I haven't gone that long since I was a teenager. I don't chalk any of this up to my antidepressants or supplements or anything anymore. I could be sitting in a room taking all kinds of meds and they wouldn't do shit. Drugs are completely pointless if you don't make positive therapeutic changes in your attitude and life. I'm coming to think of recovery as a holistic process. Putting less mental investment in chemicals to help me along. More investment in how I live and interact with the world, the people I surround myself with, the choices I make, the environment I choose and create. Setting goals like what you're doing helps too, ZK. And making them achievable. It's all very empowering! Thank you for posting this, ZK!

ZK sorry I missed your post somehow! CONGRATS on 2 months quit!!! That's so hard to do and you must feel amazing!! The worst is behind you! Just don't relapse!!! Whatever you do don't turn back!!! Someone offered me some Vyvanse a couple months ago. I was tempted and considered it, I won't lie. I even considered stashing some for a "rainy day." But ultimately I wanted nothing to do with it. Yeah, GROSS. All it would take is one pill. Ashley I love how you framed it as a gift! Those little reminders are definitely gifts to help us remember how far we've come, and how amazing-- and lucky-- we are that we've gotten ourselves out of that hell.

Wow Ashley I can't imagine what that must have been like!!! Good job withstanding that temptation!!! You rock!!!

I've noticed that ZK, you've been making me laugh lately. I had no idea you had such a sharp sense of humor

I remember adderall made me anger more easily. I would hold onto anger longer (energizer bunny effect,) and it intensified it big-time. I would just dwell and dwell and dwell and the anger would breed. I could over-analyze and rationalize it for hours too. I would hold huge grudges, and the lack of empathy made all that even worse.

Switch alcohol for adderall and you've got it

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha Thank you for making me laugh out loud!! Excel is pretty much the epitome of BORING!!!!!

What was/is your anger like on adderall? I used to get furious with the people or cars moving slowly in front of me, and one time I flipped out on my landlord when they tried to screw me over. (I still get frustrated with these things, but not nearly as enraged as I was on adderall.) I'm asking because I just caught up with an old friend a few days ago who's still taking it, and although he's always had some anger 'issues,' they have definitely gotten worse since he started adderall (probably about 10 years ago.) He's even looking into anger management classes, especially because he just got his gf pregnant. So I'm just trying to think about to what extent his anger 'issues' are the adderall, or something else, or both.

Good job Ashley!!! I went running twice last week. But my mileage has been down lately so it totaled 5.5 for the week. BUT I did 4 miles today, so that felt pretty nice...!

Well the good news is that a cold turkey quit (or a very fast taper) can be easier than a gradual taper because its not as much of a tease. Theres no temptation to just go back to the high dose. With cold turkey you're done--- you're free. She might have experience already with going from that dosage to zero. She must already have run out of her supply early, so I bet she knows what early withdrawals are like.... not fun! She will definitely need your love and support when and if she decides to quit.... Also, I was just thinking. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about "adding, not subtracting" as an approach to quitting, and it's helping me a lot. Instead of approaching her about removing adderall from her life, maybe you could try adding a whole bunch of good things to her life and to your interactions, without even mentioning adderall? To subtly interrupt her habit by filling whatever vacuum she's trying to fill, with good things instead of poison. It won't stop her, but it could help you at least enjoy more time with HER. And help her see, later on, that there's more to her and her life than just adderall. I remember, my ex would do this for me to an extent, even though she was also an enabler in some ways. She would make delicious easy-to-eat meals (soft, comfort foods) that I could actually swallow after a long adderall day. And then she wouldn't be offended when I could only eat a small plate. It would do me a world of good! It would help me to put food in my body, instead of what I would have gone for instead: more pills, and/or alcohol. Or she would set up fun, surprise activities for us to do together. Things that would make me naturally not want adderall, or that would at least make me not want to take such a high dose. Just some suggestions for a subtle yet proactive approach that's not nagging, but that's completely loving and supportive and that might help build a life foundation that could help her future quit, when/if she eventually decides to.

It's a legit side effect Kev, and we've all been there! But I also truly believe in fighting it as much as you can, as soon as you can, because I have always believed that life is way too short, and too amazing, to allow ourselves to be bored for too long if we can help it! That's how I've been dealing with the quitting-related anhedonia anyway. And even if whatever I'm doing isn't that fun, or even if I REALLY don't wanna, I do it anyway, as long as it's either fun or has some purpose. I make myself get out of bed early, drink coffee, and just do something, anything, to get my day going. I make plans with friends and force myself to keep them. Make lists, listen to music, dance, work out, do something for YOU. I know, you're not going to feel the same enjoyment you're used to. Just do it anyway. Press on. Don't let the boredom monster eat you alive!!!!!!

Wow, I DO NOT miss that kind of stress!!!!!

Hey maru, I'll try to think about ways you might approach it to express your concerns..... this has to be done very delicately. She probably thinks she needs adderall. She might see it as part of her identity. It might be like a best friend to her. She might feel judged depending on how you say it. I know I would. I mean, on the rare occasion a loved one questions why I 'need' klonopin or antidepressants, I feel really judged and sad, like it messes with my self esteem somehow. And I'm not even abusing those. I dunno, I think that what we put into our bodies can be a really sensitive subject. Most likely, she'll need to quit cold turkey. When I said she might be able to taper, I meant she might be able to reduce her dosage day by day until she's at zero. To be honest I doubt it though. Most people don't have that kind of willpower. In any case she is not going to be able to drop from 150 mg/day to a stable consistent lower dosage and stay there. At this point, it's pretty much all or nothing. That's what I've learned, anyway, after seeing hundreds of people come through this forum. Sort of like in AA. Once you're at that point, you don't get to drink in moderation.

I don't think it's vain at all! For years I used to think I didn't care how I looked. But eventually I started caring some, mainly for ME and my confidence and health, but I've struggled for years with feeling vain about it. So, this helped. On my way home last night I heard a show on NPR about a fashion designer (Tim Gunn) and he said something that really hit home for me. He said looking good isn't about empty vanity. It communicates something. "I am an individual who is always aware of how he's presenting himself," Gunn explains. " ... I have respect for myself, I have respect for you, I'm taking the world seriously, and let's navigate the world with some style." http://www.npr.org/2014/02/05/271997689/tim-gunn-on-and-off-the-runway-life-is-a-big-collaboration IMPORTANT: I don't think this means anyone has to live up to any narrow beauty ideal at all, I just think it means there's nothing wrong with caring and feeling good about how you look!

Hello! I'm glad you found this site-- there's lots of support here-- and I think your lady is lucky to have you! There's not much you can do unless and until she WANTS to quit. Does she want to? To answer your question more directly, I have never heard of anyone coming back to moderation (or taking as prescribed, or even reasonable dosages) after crossing the line of abuse. After taking a dosage such as 150 mg/day, nothing less than that will feel like it works for her. That's why people tend to progressively increase their dosage, and even after a long time off they don't tend to decrease it. In my case here's how it went: 2001-2004: 10-30 mg/day 2009-2010: 30 mg/day --> 45 mg/day (gradual increase) 2011- late 2012: 45 mg/day --> 80 mg/day (another gradual increase) In my case at least, every time I increased it, my brain would adjust instantly and I could never turn back. Maybe your gf is the exception, but most people seem to fit this pattern. She might be a candidate for a taper if she wants to quit, but I don't know. I like what Cassie said-- asking those questions might be a good approach. I am sorry I don't have better news for you. But in the end, a habit like that is unsustainable and I imagine she'll have to quit eventually. Good luck to you!!!

Hi cutch22! Welcome back to being alive!!! It feels pretty amazing, sad parts and all. I really enjoyed reading your post; it brought back a lot of what I went through when I first quit. I finally felt emotions again and I hadn't felt anything in years. Even sadness felt kind of amazing. A lot of people are highly sensitive and live on an emotional roller coaster for the first several months after first quitting. I won't lie, it's one of the hardest things I've done. But it was also kind of like being reborn! And that in itself is pretty beautiful. Btw... I'm a phd student too. (Isn't it pretty much ALWAYS crunch time?! lol.) Maybe right now could turn out to be the best time. I thought it was the worst crunch time when I quit-- and it kind of was-- but it was the best time! Adderall was making my work worse-- the benefits were gone. I'm coming up on another crunch time and my mind is a hell of a lot sharper and stronger than when I was stuck dependent on that crutch. It takes different strategies but it IS doable!!! Feel free to message me if you need to commiserate! And welcome!!!

Hell yeah!!! Congrats!!!!

Cassie I have definitely noticed a similar phenomenon-- my need for calories has gone down with time and a little age -- I've noticed I eat less, and much healthier, than 10 years ago (I'm 31). I'm also working out much more. And I've actually lost weight. So that gives me hope!! I wonder if quitting smoking also helps you lose weight. There's the initial weight gain, but then as your lungs heal you can run so much more, and better. I mean, there are many reasons to quit, and this is a lesser one, but smoking was a deterrent from any physical activity. I chose the cigarettes over running back then. So I was much heavier as a smoker. For me there is a strong correlation. Just more fuel for the fire Check in: I ran 4 miles this week. Mountain biked around 6. And moved to a new house!! With no memories of adderall!! . I set up a new office space for work and the energy is great. Anyway moving is always a good 'workout'.... Lol. Went swimming a little this wknd, and today I power walked 1/2 mile of steep hills. Hope you all had an amazing weekend!!!!

Hi Brook! Welcome to our little quitting community and congratulations on a year and a half clean! I think many people here struggle with some of the same issues you're describing. Even people who are well into sobriety, even a year and a half sober (as I am.). I too struggle with the spark.... Focus and motivation are still challenges and work is a quasi disaster right now. I'm just saying this because I want you to know you're not alone. But I believe there is still hope. Life has it's natural rhythms. I think sobriety means learning to ride these rhythms. Substances like adderall are short circuits that deprive us of experiencing the fullness of life. Weight fluctuates over time; inspiration and energy come and go. We throw ourselves into things, we burn out, we rest. Accepting these rhythms, and learning to work with them (rather than being overly hard on myself) has helped me perhaps more than anything. I am finding that healthy eating, lots of raw veg, working out, plenty of sleep, being alcohol-free, vitamins, supplements, as well as certain meds (antidepressants) I'm now taking, help immensely with everything. I think sex drive has it's rhythms too. People go through phases. The libido is part of our life energy. So it makes sense that if we are lacking life energy we are also low on libido. By the same token, all that adderall libido and spark you had was drug induced. That doesn't make it inauthentic necessarily, but I do think adderall eats away at the authenticity of people, work, love, and life. It sounds like you have an amazing and supportive partner who isn't going anywhere. It almost sounds like she is being more patient with you than you are! It will be back. I'm guessing you're still getting your energy back after all those years of using it up. Adderall is like a loan shark, you get to borrow energy from your future self, at a high interest rate, and as we all know it can take many, many years of hardship to pay off our debts.

Also the brain damage thing sounds completely ridiculous. Did he do a brain scan to find this out? Your neurons are not just progressively dying off. It's all about neuroplasticity. People re grow neurons after strokes. Your sober brain is re growing them too.