BeHereNow

Yeah Leila!! This is a HUGE accomplishment! You ARE amazing, and (as much as I love books and nice spaces,) it's not really about what's in your apartment. It's about YOU!

Gosh, or even non adderall-takers.... When I look at these lists I can't even think about how I must have seemed from the outside. Kinda hard not to feel bad for people taking adderall/etc. when you look at it this way..... On the plus side its extra motivation to stay strong and stay quit. But it's also really sad for knowing how many people are taking stimulants and acting like this. Its like these drugs are robbing the world of so many vibrant beautiful personalities. (At least temporarily) RUINING so many beautiful minds.

Just in general, I really think that by forcing ourselves not to make things too perfect, we can improve the quality of our work. The tendency towards over-editing, over-planning, over-preparing, over-thinking, etc. can slaughter the creativity, flow, and spontaneity of things like presenting and writing. Powerpoints (and, probably, computer word processing as opposed to typewriters or notebooks) can promote tendencies to overdo/overedit everything and make it way too perfect. Ever see a talk by someone whose overpreparation killed the presentation? Where they just read directly from a printed page or depend too much on a powerpoint? It kills the flow and delivery, and the personable aspect of it where you connect with the audience. I think powerpoints are best used to help organize your presentation and make sure you don't forget anything, help outline the basic points with some quotes and/or some graphics, but it shouldn't impede YOUR creative flow or your connection with your audience. Just like over-editing shouldn't impede the writing flow as it happens. These kinds of OCD tendencies can kill the quality and human connection. (So happy not to be on adderall or buying into those tendencies anymore!!!!!) What I'm trying to say is that by not overdoing it, you're probably improving your presentation. Just BE THERE NOW and BE YOU!!! You'll be great! AMAZING, BADASS!!

I feel that my friend..... it's that time of the semester! :/ On the bright side, I think that we are probably capable of a more consistent ongoing productivity level now than we were on adderall and locked into the crash-and-burn cycle. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You can do this! One thing at a time. I think the key is not to think about everything at once. I like that my ability to slice the work load into one thing, day, or week at a time has improved now. I used to get all overwhelmed about the seemingly overwhelming work load around finals time. Now, somehow, it all seems more manageable. So, maybe focus on just one thing at a time. Also, I think setting time limits to how long you have to work on one thing can prevent any one thing from consuming too much of your time. Like, work on that powerpoint for two 1-hour chunks, or something, and then whatever you have is what's being presented. If you just get through these next 2 days and then you can reward yourself! And don't forget to take little naps, they'll help the quality of your waking hours immensely!! Good luck! OK, we should really get back to work now!

Maybe I'm naive but I'm pretty disappointed to learn people are cheating at this level. Whats the point of investing so much time, energy, and money into school if you're not going to actually get something out of it?

Biotin yes... Quality face washes/scrubs, exfoliating, and lotion. I think other healthy vitamins help, and also diet. Raw produce, leafy greens, proteins, healthy fats like nuts and olive oil, avocado, stuff like that. Its a little cliche sounding but I think when you eat healthy, exercise and sleep enough, live a balanced life and smile, the light of your being radiates outwards through your skin.

TreasureJoe, Congratulations on your quitting decision and this huge realization! I want you to know that reading these words was a huge inspiration to me. I try not to let myself go into the head spaces of regret, but this is a powerful one for staying true the vision of an adderall-free future. I'm still learning (sometimes struggling) to live with the lost/altered work performance that (in some respects) comes with quitting. It's easy to romanticize adderall as the (fake) magic pole vault, and to forget that ITS A LIAR. Your words just summed up the greater cost of taking that crap and are a reminder of all the things in life that are far more important than "perfection." I can tell you have a lot of personality so I'm really happy to hear you're quitting! It's worth it-- you have a better future ahead of you-- and any more time you spend on adderall is time lost! No more time to lose! You may have spent a lot of time on adderall but now there is no point in dwelling on regret. No place to go but forward! Hope you stick around here because this place can help you through all the moments that are coming that are definitely (harsh truth) NOT going to be easy. These forums are one of my biggest sources of inspiration in staying true to the quitting path. I learn so much every day from everyone here, yourself included, and to be honest I don't know if I would still be quit if it wasn't for our little community here. Congrats & welcome!!

This might be stating the obvious, but I'll just state it anyway: The impaired memory formation has got to be part of the reason why people relapse. Especially after long periods of time (more time for the already impaired memories of the bad stuff to fade.)

Ashley that's pretty sickening and I really hope it's not true, but it probably is. It's probably what's behind this rise in ADHD diagnosis rate (11%?? Where do they get these numbers?!) On top of all that I cannot believe that they are adding some forms of grieving to the DSM. Expanding the criteria for depression--or any illness--means more diagnoses, which means more money for pharmaceuticals and psychiatrists. I see this as a systemic corporate push to diagnose as many people as possible as having something wrong with them, which really messes with people's sense of self worth--and sense of identity-- on a deep level and sends people running back for more and more meds. Like your story ldmcniel, being diagnosed with something like ADHD is like being told there's something wrong with you, something abnormal, while other people are able to function "normally." On top of this, being told that we "need" a drug to function normally messes with people's sense of self worth (i.e. the way that believing that we need adderall messes up our belief in our own capabilities.) What this article seems to be pointing to is a process of writing off as pathology the struggles and pain of life, and huge aspects of what makes us human.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/03/opinion/diagnosis-human.html?_r=0 "Ours is an age in which the airwaves and media are one large drug emporium that claims to fix everything from sleep to sex. I fear that being human is itself fast becoming a condition. It’s as if we are trying to contain grief, and the absolute pain of a loss like mine. We have become increasingly disassociated and estranged from the patterns of life and death, uncomfortable with the messiness of our own humanity, aging and, ultimately, mortality."

Hopingthebest, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Your girl is lucky to have you. I can hear in your voice how much you love her and its heartbreaking that she's probably so deep in her adderall world, she's shutting you out. I wish I knew what to tell you. Honestly though, I don't think there's much you can do to change her behavior. Different people, different substances, but some parallels in terms of addiction: In my early 20s I was in a long-term, close and very intense relationship with a hardcore alcoholic. It still hurts when I think about how much potential he had, how much potential he wasted (talented, very smart and sweet). He would black out regularly and come staggering home to me. Until I left him, I was absolutely powerless to stop this. I just had to watch him stumbling falling and slurring his words. He would lie and say things like "Oh I'm not drunk, I only had a 6 pack tonight." I tried confronting him so many times, and using so many approaches. Eventually I asked him not to come over when he was drinking. I began to distance myself. We grew apart. He tried to stop drinking once or twice and we would both be excited about it. False hopes. He even went to AA, but never made it more than a couple weeks. I tried so many ways to convey to him just how much it hurt me. He seemed to understand, but in the end, between me and booze, he always chose booze. We really loved each other but it didn't work out, and honestly his addiction was a huge part of that. Addiction ruins personalities and it tears relationships apart. After it was all over it was kind of a relief for me. To this day, I cannot imagine myself living that way ever again. No matter how much he loved me, he chose alcohol over me consistently and always would have. (He still drinks just as heavily ten years later, after multiple DUI's and accidents and having to drop out of school and who knows what else.) This is how I learned that you really can't change someone. When people are deep into their addictions, and don't want to stop, there is almost nothing you can do. MFA is right on. It really is like they have a secret lover. I think that sometimes, the possibility of losing a partner can scare a person into realizing how bad their addiction is--but they have to still be ready, underneath it all, to see it. Otherwise the person will not hear much of what you say. Nowadays I never try to change (or even say anything about) anyone else's substance usage. I now choose the company I keep, in part, knowing that the substance habits they maintain are something I will need to live with, because I cannot change it. I can support someone in quitting, but only if they want to quit. I really hope your partner quits, but I imagine that there's a chance she'll be taking adderall indefinitely. Probably not forever, but for awhile. This is part of who she is right now. Maybe if you distance yourself she'll start to wake up--let's hope. No guarantees. The question is: where do YOU draw the line? Are you willing to keep living this way? What are you willing to accept? I'm not saying you should get out, I'm just saying she needs to figure this out on her own, and she might not for awhile. But until she does, you need to take care of you.

Thanks for the insight Lea! I decided I'm way too scared to take Phenibut. I got the liftforce powder kind and I'm going to return it. Despite all my sleep and anxiety issues, all the horror stories just scare me too much. Glad you found one that works for you though! I tried the Picamilon, and I think it kind of helped. I felt pretty calm, but also productive. I read though that it's a mild MAO inhibitor? I don't know, I'm the kind of person who compulsively reads up about everything I take. I just wish there was more information about all these supplements. Anyway thanks for the advice!

So Lea how is it going with these? I ordered some from Amazon but now that I'm doing more research, I'm kinda scared to take them. It looks like Phenibut is addictive with severe withdrawals and rebound anxiety? And you're not supposed to take it more than two days a week...? I also read it increases your dopamine. Do you find that it has that effect? It sounds nice at first or for here and there in small dosages, not mixed with anything else. From what I've read, I'm actually pretty surprised this shit is legal. Picamilon sounds less shady but I did read of some bad experiences with it. What dosage do you take and how often?

"We should consider every day wasted on which we have not danced at least once. And we should consider every truth false that was not accompanied by at least one laugh." -Nietzsche

Right on, HAM!! Your list reminded me of a few more: I definitely don't miss having a "dirty secret" to hide from everyone I know. (Which goes with your point about lying, and secret stashes.) I don't miss sneaking pills during my work day-- either in the bathroom, or in front of people, and then being worried about playing it cool and whether I was acting weird. I don't miss taking everything wayyyy too seriously! I am so much more chilled-out now! I don't miss the agoraphobia. I don't miss the time-consuming inner debates I used to have about whether I should take another pill--whether I "needed" another pill to get through something. What a boring thing to obsess about!! I don't miss shaping my whole day--and my whole life-- around some stupid pills. How boring is that?! I DON'T MISS BEING BORING!!! Even though I had some interesting ideas, overall adderall made me SO BORING! I don't miss thinking I need some stupid drug to make my brain function. I seriously believed I needed it. I seriously believed my accomplishments were all adderall's doing. I am still working to get rid of this belief, but I have come a long way. I don't miss chalking up my accomplishments to a drug. I like knowing that everything I do is 100% genuine. This is extremely empowering! I just submitted a project proposal that was APPROVED! Which means I'm starting to find my natural inspiration again, and I'm feeling super inspired!!! (Actually, so there was that time when I wanted to relapse because I wanted to master something really tough-- Yeah, what's happening is that I channeled the desire to master it into genuine, adderall-free motivation. This project that just got approved me mastering it, in my own good time, ADDERALL-FREE!!) OMG!! I JUST REALIZED TODAY I AM 3 MONTHS CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahaha Cat I think between our 2 lists I think we are enough to show just how ridiculous adderall is!

Things I don't miss: Being antisocial and super socially anxious Feeling burnt out ALL THE TIME. Amphetamines just to get out of bed in the morning? Seriously?? Not eating. I don't miss times when I was soo starving but unable to choke anything down. My heart is more open now. I don't miss being unable to laugh the way I was on adderall. I don't miss having my brain in a fucking cage. I don't miss the writer's block. I don't miss being an empty hollow shell of a person. I don't miss always being too "busy." I don't miss being all sedentary because I was too scared to work out for fear my heart would explode. I don't miss times when I did go running on adderall and would need like a whole day to recover because I would push it too hard and overexert and dehydrate myself and get a running hangover. I don't miss being so mean to myself all the time. OK that's a start p.s. You don't need to be underweight, you are GORGEOUS!!

41 days is amazing!! Even if you don't feel it right now ,that is a huge accomplishment and you deserve to take pride in it. I think that self-confidence is one of the hardest things to build back up after quitting adderall. And I also think it's a huge part of depression, especially post-adderall depression. On adderall, it was fake confidence. But now, our challenge is to build it up for real. This is extra hard because we need to do this while we also simultaneously can't function the way we used to, can't accomplish as much, don't feel as smart or productive or capable, without that crutch. While we have to watch ourselves gaining all the weight that used to stay off so easily with that secret weapon. Quitting is a roller coaster, and it takes time. It's kind of a harsh truth but you're going to need to ride this one out....the good news is that it WILL pass. Why not spend some time today doing things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself? Go for a walk, call a friend....that kind of stuff. I am finding that interacting with people who don't know about my quitting REALLY helps me to get out of my own head, and out of these funks. Because it forces me not to dwell. It doesn't have to be your boyfriend's friends (that sounds like a high pressure situation anyways), but just chill people you feel comfortable with. Also, intentionally staying really really busy has been helping me fight the blues. I agree with Lea about supplements, they have been a lifesaver for me! Working out helps..... so does eating really healthy food. (BTW, in the later stages of adderall addiction, some people start gaining weight because your metabolism drops so much from not eating... so if you ever miss it for that purpose, remember that even that benefit goes away.) And even if you have gained 20 lbs..... you'll lose them again eventually. And it's still worth it. At least your mind/body is nourished now, which makes you more beautiful now than you could possibly have been on adderall. This is YOUR journey towards better health. Screw all those stupid beauty ideals. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Haven't, but I will now! All that sleep sounds pretty nice!

That's a really tough one, Cat! I'm a huge fan of quit-once's idea. To the people in my life who don't know about my quitting, I've been saying that it's the year of the snake, time to shed the old skin. I say that I'm done with stressing out and putting myself under so much pressure. That life is too short. I chalk it up to personality & lifestyle changes. I mean, people change. And the people who love you get to watch you change and evolve, which is pretty cool! If you're going to be with him for life, then you are going to watch each other change in all kinds of unexpected ways. People in my life know me as someone who changes all the time....... they know not to expect me to remain "the old me." And I don't expect that of anyone else, either. Change is a sign of growth and evolution, and you HAVE changed for the better. Oh, you don't like reading the newspaper at 6 am anymore? Sounds like you're just not that into it anymore. Its too depressing! And sleep is really important, for all kinds of reasons. My heart goes out to you because I really don't know how you've made it through all this without telling him. Question: (And you already kind of answered this) ... For these 4 years, why did/do you feel the need to stay in the closet about taking and quitting adderall? I mean it is a drug that cultivates secrecy, but I'm just wondering if there's something about your relationship that's worth addressing. For me, my partner, who has never taken adderall, has been a huge positive support in my recovery process. I cannot imagine going through what you're going through! To me, for something as major and life changing as quitting, any partner of mine would need to be in the loop about this....because that person is closest to me and I need that person's support. And because, like Rick said, I would want to know. And I would want that person to know. So, my question is, is there a deeper reason why you're not comfortable telling him? Are there other things you feel the need to keep from him? This question is more about your relationship than it is about adderall, just something to think about if you're going to go through with marrying this person. I mean I'm not judging you at all, and I'm sure you have all kinds of reasons, but it's just something to think about. hugs! <3

Sorry to hear that girl!! Sick sucks. Get some rest and feel better! <3

Sounds pretty flu-like to me....... do your bones ache?

YEAH LADYLUCK!!!! I was worried about you with your living situation and all, but I am SO PROUD of you for making it through that first month, and for kicking your roommate out, and for putting your sobriety first! It's not easy, but isn't life sooo much better without adderall?! The natural energy, feeling your personality come back in full effect.... doing things on your own that you can be proud of. GO YOU!! CONGRATULATIONS!! Great to see you back! Keep it up!!

Warning, slightly gross.... Today, I sliced my finger open while making breakfast. Pretty deep, and in the thick part. Sliced it almost all the way to the bone, I could see inside the muscles and whatever. It was bleeding and painful and hurt really weird and I had to go get stitches. It was really scary, seeing the cross section of my flesh like that. Went to the urgent care and got 3 or 4 stitches. All I can say is, THANK GOD I wasn't still taking adderall. In the past I would have popped a couple pills in bed before breakfast. It would have been just kicking in when I sliced open my hand, and starting to peak out during the stitching process.....the freakout and adrenaline would have been around 10000000000x worse, and OF COURSE the doctors would have questioned why my blood pressure was through the roof, and I wouldn't have been able to answer honestly. I always used to worry about what would happen if I got injured while taking adderall. I have a major doctor phobia and on top of that, adderall is, err, not on my records. Today, I was able to just go to the doctor like a normal human being. WOW, imagine that!!! Back in the rabbit hole, I never went to doctors. Ever. I didn't want to deal with it, account for it, I didn't want to know. But now, maybe I'll make some other checkup appointments now that I'm off it and on a pathway towards better health.

Craythur, 11 days clean is worthy of a huge celebration!!!! You're doing great!! You know, if you take one addy just to "get some shit done" one day, you might wind up full-on relapsing. I don't recommend telling yourself you can eat just one, because chances are, as a fellow adderallic, you probably can't. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just being honest from everything I know about quitting substances.