BeHereNow

Wow, he sounds a lot like my father too! I admire your courage. Telling your dad must have been really scary, especially not hearing back from him at first. Glad to hear things are getting better between you!!

GOOD QUESTION Heather........!

Thanks everyone!! MFA YES, adderall sucks!!!!!! I hate it!! You have been such an amazing support right from the start! You have helped me and lots of other people more than you can know! That's true of all our quitting crew here.... I seriously dont know what I would have done without all of your support! I DO feel better overall and SO HAPPY with this decision, though of course it's a mixed bag of physical, mental, and emotional surprises. Good days and bad days roller coasting my way out of the cage that was ruining me. It's hard to accept the amount of time this is going to take before I feel even close to 100%, but I'm OK with the journey because it needs to happen and life is way too short. Looking back on my first time quitting (from a much lower dosage, frequency, and duration), I remember quitting being much easier, almost a non-event. But then I also remember about a year later getting to a place in my life where I was HAPPY. Engaged, productive, excited, loving life, doing REALLY well. I didn't chalk that up to quitting at the time..... but I do now, at least in part. I know that kind of future awaits again and that the path is worth it and will stabilize into a progressively improving quality of life. So thankful to be alive!

Pretty much!!

As of today I've been on this roller coaster for 2 months now! and feeling strong!! Wooooooooohoo!!!! Special thanks to you all for helping me stay strong!

Right on Leila. I agree, over time, adderall destroys beauty, inner and outer. It makes your skin all pale with dark circles. I've seen it bring out peoples' OCD skin mutilating behavior (squeezing pores, tweezing, etc) until their skin is all scarred up. I've seen it bring out the cigarette smokers in people which is a direct road to premature aging. Because you get to be so malnourished, adderall affects everything-- hair, skin, eyes. It makes peoples' eyes look so......distant? almost empty? The skinniness doesn't even look good, it looks scary and malnourished. Loss of muscle tone for advanced stages, because it seems like most adderallics become sedentary over time. For some people, it eventually starts causing weight GAIN. Beauty is also gestures.... how we carry ourselves, how we speak. Adderall destroys all of that with the destruction of the personality. It ages you prematurely, mentally and physically. Adderall makes it harder to smile. It empties the smile out into fakeness. And what's more important to beauty than a smile? When I look at photos of myself when I was on adderall, I want to delete them because I look SOO not like myself.... I look older.... tired.....overly made-up to hide the paleness and dark circles....I look insecure. Sad. So, I have to echo Leila's advice (especially as another 30 year old with years of experience on this drug--and a few years of experience seeing myself age): Quit while you're ahead!!!!!

I have to agree, I think relapsing is at least very common, and is part of the process. MFA your therapist sounds really good. I like what she said about nothing to see here, move along, carry forward. No big deal. When I quit smoking, I quit 3 times, up to a year each, before I quit for good. And I've relapsed on adderall too, also after long periods of time. I think that after a longer time, it gets more dangerous in some ways, UNLESS we keep in mind how bad the addiction was, all of its effects on us, without romanticizing it. I think it helps to retain the same loathing for the substance that drove us to quit in the first place. I need to keep actively despising the substance in order to stay quit (for example, I physically can't stand secondhand smoke!) The first time I quit adderall, which was in like 2003, I actively hated it for years, until I forgot about it, but still hated it in the background. It makes me so angry that they give that crap to children. I hate what it does to people. I hated it up until someone handed me a 5. That was the end of me hating it, and I relapsed. Now, I'm still building that hatred back up. Hate is a strong word but it worked. Kept me motivated for all those years, until I slipped (which WILL NOT happen ever again!!!!) Basically, in my mind, adderall is slowly moving from a false pedestal back to hell where it belongs! A little rambly, but I guess, as someone who has quit multiple substances and relapsed repeatedly, this is a big part of how I build up the strength to never relapse. But, I think that for some of us, it takes relapsing to build up the mental will to realize we never want to relapse again.

Hahaha, this totally just reminded me of one day two summers ago. I was sitting on the beach reading Psychology Today magazine. Reading an article about highly sensitive people. Identifying with everything that was said about "highly sensitive people," people who feel emotions especially strongly, who tend to be very perceptive and creative....The thing is, I was reading this WHILE POPPING ADDERALL! Hahaha! Here's an article about it.... http://www.hsperson.com/pages/hsp.htm Anyway, I wonder if there is any correlation between highly sensitive people and the draw towards adderall? OR, a correlation between highly sensitive people, ADD/ADHD, and possibly adderall? Hmmmm........

I wonder if adderall brings out underlying anger issues. I know someone who has always had some deep underlying anger and depression and stuff, but who before taking adderall was sociable and sad, only sometimes angry. She's on a huge adderall roller coaster and gets extremely angry and frustrated very frequently now. It's scary and sad. I mean she actually did get angry like that previously, but its become way worse. Me, I used to be more angry on adderall. Now I've mellowed out. I cry and get depressed a lot more easily but I blame that on withdrawals. I have the same amount of anxiety now as when I was taking adderall, but it's changed its form somehow. In any case....emotional lability. WOW. It's super intense after being a robot-zombie for so long!! I guess we have to actually deal with our shit now. At least now we can recognize it for what it is......

It's a good thing I never hear you saying self-deprecating things quit-once, because I usually like to put people on the spot to generate these types of lists when they start being mean to themselves!

WOW! I'd be honored!!

OK I'll jump in on this bandwagon! I like it! Here it goes........ I like my style--I like that I am vibrant and positive and quirky I like my laugh, and my sense of humor (even its so weird, I'm the only one laughing) I like that I am FUN and love music and love to dance I like that I think things through carefully before speaking or reacting I like that I stand up for what I believe in I like that I move with the speed of earth (slow motion & ENDURANCE) I can finally say, after years of self abuse, that I LOVE being in my own skin and body! I like that I am strong, physically and emotionally I like that I see so much beauty I like that I have so much love in my heart to give, and that I give it fully I love the people in my life!

I can't speak to why you have nightmares every night SearchingSoul.... you're gonna have to do some soul searching to figure that one out, maybe with your therapist? Sometimes if we don't work through things, they recur in our dreams. I think your dream was very profound. I might be reading things into it--sorry if this is too much interpretation or doesn't resonate with you-- It sounds like you might be processing the fuller repercussions of adderall in your dreams. You had the euphoria, then you had that series of bad events in the dream..... Metaphorically, I wonder if all that violence in your dream relates to the self-inflicted violence of taking adderall, that results in a loss of yourself, loss of your will, your body, and ultimately leads towards a form of death. The fact that it was injected into you is sort of like how we take adderall out of the pressure to get stuff done or live up to some external standard.... its not what your soul REALLY wants. As terrifying as it is, I wonder if this dream might be re-affirming that you are on the right path by quitting.......

I love all this advice! Along these lines I have a post-it note on my desk, inspired by a dear friend, that says: "If it's worth doing, then DO IT NOW!!"

This is a 100% brand new epiphany MFA!! I think its going to change my world! I like the language you used too--"passive rebellion." I mean I already knew I don't like being told what to do, but I didn't realize it was a such subtle wedge against my productivity. Hmm. I think I definitely do rebel against my own to-do lists too. I wonder, though-- why do we do that? Is it something in our mental approach to the tasks? Are we setting ourselves up for failure by thinking of it as something crappy we have to do? As something unattainable or impossible? Or just plain boring? Sometimes, on adderall, I used to accomplish a lot of things I didn't want to, by just not thinking about it--I used to just DO IT. It was better not to think about it. Now, I not only think about it, I build it up into this horrible frog I have to eat and I always think about how badly I don't want to eat it. Wrong mentality! You're so right about not letting ourselves take breaks-- and about setting realistic expectations. AND about your username! I think about that one pretty often actually. Life and productivity are all about getting that momentum going and keeping it going!!! xoxo

I'm trying to think into all the sources of my work blockage (writers block, etc), not just quitting adderall. This is not to forget that quitting is a huge part of why I'm having so much trouble getting things accomplished. But the flow of deadlines does not stop just because I'm quitting, so I'm trying to think into the things that motivate me, and also things that block my flow. Now that I no longer have a little pill to artificially direct the work flow, I need to get a better sense of the REAL topography of my own mind--where my flow will naturally go, and where it's a useless attempt to make a river go uphill. Last night I had a little epiphany I just feel like sharing..... I was over at a friend's house for a work party. I asked, "Which pages of this book are we supposed to read for tomorrow?" She said, "I don't know!" and we had a laugh. (Background--We are phd students in our final semester of coursework; next up its dissertation time.) So, I opened the book (by a VERY difficult author btw) and I started flipping through. I found a section that sounded interesting to me, and started reading. I've been struggling with reading these thick texts while quitting, but this time it was FLOWING. Even though this author is crazy dense and tough, I got really interested in this section and kept reading, taking breaks, and got through almost a whole chapter. And I REALLY enjoyed it! An hour later my friend asked, "did we ever figure out what pages were assigned?" I said, "Nope, and I don't care! I'm reading THIS one right now." And kept reading. (Thing is, it probably WAS assigned! But I didn't want to know.) And I realized: A huge part of my blockage is, subconsciously, an opposition-defiant impulse. I really, REALLY don't like being told what to do in general, no matter who is telling me or what their intentions. Advice is great but being told what to do is not. But, I'm still finishing coursework, so it involves going to classes and keeping up with what someone else tells me to do. I realized that part of my blockage is because I'm ready to be mostly self-directed, and I don't enjoy work I'm told to do, partly *because* I've been told to do it. Most work, of course, involves working for someone else and meeting deliverables and taking orders from the boss and stuff. I wonder if that's something adderall helps us with.... being drones who easily do what we're told, without asking questions. I always felt that thats why it shut down my creativity and made me just accept whatever was in front of me. Now that I am off of the adderall, I have to deal with my REAL sources of motivation and my REAL creative/work blockages, and one of the things that blocks me on a deep level is feeling like I'm being told what to do. So, maybe with this insight I can figure out how to trick myself into getting things done...... Anyone else have experiences with discovering other substantial reasons for blockage (other than PAWS? Not to downplay that of course because it's HUGE!) The clear, honest insight into the other sources of motivation or lack thereof? I'm just curious, because there might be a lot of them we aren't fully aware of......

Its SO TRUE. I've definitely messed up some relationships that way and distanced myself from people I loved..... I also have a family member who is on a very high dosage and who is also severely depressed, has anger management issues and possibly suffering from some other disorders. She exudes so much negative energy, I can't even be in the house anymore. Everyone is always walking on eggshells around her because she gets so angry so easily. I really miss the old her...the REAL her. I wish she would come back. Especially now that I'm seeing more clearly that most of it probably is just the drug

Well said Heather!! One of the main things keeping me moving forward is the fact that if I WERE to choose to relapse, I would need to go through alll this quitting hell all over again. I mean nobody stays on adderall for their whole lives; it's not meant for that, and I doubt any doctor would keep a patient on it forever. Not to mention what a terrible life that would be...... If we have to quit sooner or later, it might as well be NOW. Especially after so much progress. Keep it up Corey!!!!

MFA!!!! I am so thrilled and excited for you I am BEYOND WORDS!!! This is amazing news and the best part is that you did this all on your own, adderall-free, and YOU out-competed all those other people and scored the job you wanted!! You are such an inspiration!! CONGRATS! You deserve this! Time to celebrate your accomplishments, especially because they are ALL YOURS!!!

I'm curious to hear about how much L-Tyrosine people take. I read in a bodybuilding forum of someone building up their tolerance to 4,000 mg at once and having a glowing experience at the gym. I don't take THAT much, but I like the higher dosages. I kind of want to try this. For the most part, the Tyrosine really helps keep my mood positive. I usually take 1,500 mg, sometimes up to 2,000 mg at once, and then another 1,000 to 1,500 later in the day. Always with a B-complex. Times when I've taken too much, it gives me a minor headache (a common side effect of taking too much.) But after building up more of a tolerance the headaches have stopped. I would never go this high, but I've read that you can take up to 10g (10,000 mg) per day safely. That sounds like too much. But for people who are rebuilding our dopamine, I wonder what dosage is ideal or would offer maximum benefits.

Hey, Ladyluck, Are you sure you're ready to quit? The way you just sang adderall's praises for the first half of that post makes it sound like you're still "in love" with it.... actually, your descriptions of how much it's still working for you are kind of a trigger for me, I kinda wish someone would hand me a 30........but not really, because I know that it only goes downhill. It stops being fun and it stops working. It's great though that you're reaching the point where you're done with it, and you sound like you have some genuine reasons for that. Honestly, it sounds like you might need to change your living situation if you truly want to quit. If you're around it all the time and being handed pills like candy, that will give you daily triggers and opportunities for relapse. I know these are your good friends. But many studies and stories have shown that in quitting a substance, any substance, we often have to change our social ties to find people who won't influence us to relapse. Good luck!

You're right. It's not all a gift. Some of it was of the anger-driven, politically-driven, vindictive, and non-constructive type. I'll be disregarding what of it doesn't help me to become better. Because otherwise, yes, it will start eating away at me. Fuck 'em! Your old boss sounds amazing.... I love that quote! Thanks as always for your support MFA! <3

Quit-once, you are amazing, thank you for saying all of this. Its so easy to lose sight of all the things we have to be grateful for. I really think that deep kind of gratitude is key to overcoming most battles we fight in this world.....I needed to remember this today too.

LilTex THANK YOU for such encouraging words and for applauding me!! That means so much to me!! This whole carrying-on-while-quitting thing is really hard but you are right, I need to focus on what's good, and the fact that I AM at least carrying on--even if it has its limits. I tend to be really hard on myself, but I am doing my absolute best here, in a high pressure job, so I should probably cut myself some slack..... Separating the self from the work is a tough thing, I struggle with it, so thank you for reminding me. You're right that it's not definitive of everything that we are; it's still a costume. And, it can be changed. LOVED the Helen Keller quote......! xoxo

I love ALL of this. The sense of self confidence is really hard to rebuild, but it's easy as you said to forget that it was a false sense of self confidence. Adderall, as a performance enhancing drug, can also cause huge loss in performance upon quitting, and that's maybe at the heart of my (our?) struggles of quitting. But it becomes degenerative and takes away from performance in the long term. Letting go of those short term performance enhancing aspects is completely dismantling, humbling, catastrophic, but also beautiful. I love what you said about taking pride in doing everything on your own. That's important to me too, and key to true self confidence--the kind that no drug can steal away. Another, very painful key to true self confidence is openly, honestly and genuinely acknowledging criticism and negative feedback, and learning from it, as absolutely devastating as it can be. I was googling "how to deal with negative feedback" and found one site that said to remember that it is a gift. People wouldn't bother to give it if they didn't care or see things worth improving--if it were an absolute shipwreck, why bother giving critique? It is a tool for improvement. And everyone, no matter where we are in life, has things to improve on. So, I'm taking it all in, no matter how painful, and while swimming in my own lane I'm going to use it to better myself into the best version of me I can possibly be right now..... which HAS to be an adderall-free me....it HAS TO...the future WILL BE BETTER than this....right?