BeHereNow

I guess I have now reached step 3 on the 13 milestones of quitting: Facing disapproval. Got some negative feedback at work from people who really matter. It wasn't all negative, there were some positive points in there too, but there were a few scathing remarks in there and I'm pretty devastated. I am interpreting this to mean that my performance HAS gone downhill in some big ways. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive now that I'm a human being again and PAWS-prone and lacking in my former self-confidence thanks to quitting, but how do people cope with the disapproval? The objective confirmation that you cannot perform the way you used to? I can't just say fuck 'em, I have to take it into account. :/

YEAH KYLE!!! Right on!! I don't think those are the last of the positive effects, I really think they will only continue to get better and better!!! How long have you been clean? I think you're right-- I think there might come a time when you are not even tempted to take it anymore. When you hate it and fear it and want nothing to do with it. I mean everyone is different, but from my own previous experience of long-term quitting (those 6 years I was quit), I hated and feared it. And even when I did relapse, I didn't WANT to.... I was scared to take it... but someone handed me one, and I had stuff to do, so I took it. BAD CHOICE. But my point is, I am confident that you WILL get to a place where you're no longer even tempted by it. Actually, it sounds like you're well on your way there!! Thanks for posting this! It made me really happy!!!

Congrats on the new job SomedayDreamer!!! Its scary but also worth celebrating!! You said it yourself...... if you went back on adderall, you'd be chasing the pills down the rabbit hole. You wouldn't be chasing your work. In that sense, adderall becomes a distraction from work. Even when we're "being productive" on it, what we're really chasing is usually the high from the adderall-- and only secondarily the work itself. Second: Does your job entail dealing with people in any capacity? Co workers? Because adderall is such an antisocial drug, it would probably be TERRIBLE for your job if you started out taking it. Social interactions and networking etc are HUGE in most if not all work places. Your human connections are key to your performance, possibilities for promotion, and how people interact with you at work. They are probably just as important as the work itself. Adderall impairs (or even ruins) the social side of many if not most people who take it. Do you really want to start your new job out on that foot?? I say this from experience...I started a new job and re-started adderall simultaneously in 2009. It ruined me socially and I will probably never be able to fix the social damage it did to my career. Not to mention the quitting process of re-learning how to function at the same job all on my own. So, don't do what I did!!! It's NOT WORTH IT!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!! Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Hi Corey, my fellow grad student, It's really, really tough to maintain that high level of performance while quitting. I completely feel you and have contemplated relapsing myself for just those reasons. It's NOT an easy road to quit in the middle of a high-intensity, high-performance, high-stakes situation. You're doing work you care a lot about, and have worked very hard to get to where you are today. The possibility of messing up is absolutely terrifying. I know. On the other hand, you have already established yourself somewhat, so you have a solid foundation to rest on for a little while as you get your true self back. You obviously have talent in you, it's all there, you've already accomplished a lot. It would be pretty hard for you to fail--unless you just give up. I have some friends who are illustrators and I am familiar with how competitive that field is, and how detail-oriented it needs to be, so I can totally understand how adderall would have helped you. That said, the main factor in producing high quality work is the time and effort you put in. The illustration that won an award was something YOU did. It was not produced by a drug. It was produced by YOU, while you were taking the drug. Those are YOUR NATURAL TALENTS and you STILL have them, even if you don't believe it right now. Adderall just helped you focus in and spend the time and energy needed to create that piece. You have NOT lost your talents. You just need to find creative ways of summoning the focus, desire, and love for your work, that will drive you to spend the time and energy to produce high quality work. One of my little post-it notes on my desk says: "I want my inspiration to be 100% genuine!" I don't want my creations to be driven by adderall, I want them to be driven by my genuine heart! Also, I think you might eventually find your art improving. I'm no professional but when I look at my own paintings and drawings from my adderall days, they are overworked to a point where they are ruined, because I became so focused in on all the details I couldn't tell when it was finished. Do you think anything like that has happened to you in your adderall days? Or, are there any other ways it impaired your work? Adderall has a way of blocking creativity after long term use. I know that illustration is meant for clients, but creativity is still important, and you might find your own natural creativity and drive returning in time. Please give yourself the time. You and your art are worth it!!

Heather!!! I'm so happy to see you back here! Congrats on 2 months girl, you've come a long way even if you don't feel it right now. Those friends who are posting all about the crap they're getting done on adderall must be really hard to be around. But I have to ask, what are they accomplishing? Are their posts actually interesting? This might seem harsh, but are they fun people to be around? Are they truly happy? Because I'm starting to think that happiness is incompatible with adderall addiction. Also, unless they plan to keep taking that crap for the rest of their lives, then they'll have to go through the quitting process eventually too. YOU ARE AHEAD OF THEM. If I were you I would block them from my news feed so you don't see their posts...... Also: as others have already said: taking a few pills will just mess you up. It won't bring you back to where you were when you were taking them. Since you no longer have any access to your previous dosage, you might as well just stay clean. A small relapse will only make you jones for more. It will only make your quitting process worse. With adderall, especially for those of us who got used to high dosages, sometimes it's all or nothing--there's no in-between. Also, can I just say that you have an amazing, vibrant personality. Please, don't destroy it over this! xoxo

WOW! I share the same experiences you all are relating!! My writing was great at first on adderall but definitely became worse towards the end of my adderall career. I still wrote some good stuff I'm proud of, but it took soo much more effort and I became increasingly obsessive to the point where it blocked me completely. It really confused me on a deep level. I still haven't gotten over the quitting-induced creative block, and I'm a little over 50 days in. I think it's going to require fully changing our attitudes towards writing. And, well, just forcing it a little where necessary. One thing that's helping me: I am trying to fire my inner editor and just let the words flow, without caring what comes out. Then leave it, come back to it, and edit. Funny, I've always been like you in general (on or off it) in that I always preferred writing over speaking. Now that I'm quit, I am currently enjoying speaking over writing! Shows how bad my writers block is, but it's also an interesting reversal. Maybe we can keep trading tips, because I have a major paper to finish up soon......

This is sooo bad, I'm laughing. Laughing so that I don't cry over the fact that people actually say and believe things like that, and especially that someone would say that to YOU! Well, at least you know NOW and didn't let it progress any further....... Yep, we live in a world of people who have no idea what a PAWS day is like......

Speaking of junk food, here's another article about sugar: "Is Sugar a Killer?" http://www.alternet.org/sugar-killer It's about a scientist and author who argues that sugar is so bad, it should be regulated like alcohol, and people should be carded to buy it. It kind of makes me never want to eat sugar again...... and it also kinda makes me want to go buy a box of cookies, cause sugar is ADDICTIVE

I really do think one of the toughest things to confront about quitting is this new and less exciting way of experiencing day to day life and all the horrible drudgery that goes into it. I guess it's just something we have to deal with. For most people, mundane life involves waking up early every day (w/ nothing but COFFEE), traffic, doing a job that's bearable if they're lucky, dealing with people they would never choose as friends, watching the clock, grocery shopping, cleaning, fixing stuff, paying bills, etc. None of this seems even remotely fun. On the other hand, anyone who actually enjoys doing alllllll that crap must be on amphetamines and/or kinda crazy and not that fun to be around...... Some things just aren't that much fun. We just have to get through them so we can get to the more fun and rewarding stuff. On the other hand, getting through the mundane boring stuff carves out room for the truly fun things to actually be fun! GENUINELY fun... not fake adderall-based "fun." p.s. and somewhat related, I'm SO HAPPY about your personality coming back!!! <3 YEAH GIRL ONE WEEK!!! Hooray!!

That makes sense. How are we supposed to juggle and retain so much information without some form of "ADD?" Maybe "ADD" is an adaptation to changes in the world. Maybe it's a form of intelligence, a highly intelligent way of processing a vast and deep variety of information. Although it does take away from some forms of extended focus and concentration, maybe it also enhances the ability to make connections and understand a variety of things. We still need to work at that extended focus, but we also need to work at the ability to shift gears effectively. And maybe THAT is one reason why one of our recurring themes around here is that adderall seems to remove something of our intelligence. Not that everyone here has had that experience, or is ADD, but it seems that it makes us hyper-focused to a point where it takes away from our real intelligence(s), which are, as always, multiple.

I have a seminar until 9 on Tuesday nights, but I'll totally try when I get home at around 9:30. Or maybe we could have multiple time slots since there are so many different schedules?

Well, going with the funny shit online / procrastination / bah humbug to Valentines day...... This video had me in TEARS laughing. http://laughingsquid.com/jimmy-kimmel-challenge-i-gave-my-wife-or-girlfriend-a-terrible-gift-for-valentines-day/?fb_source=pubv1

I dunno... I heard there is such thing as a mini stroke..... and a mini heart attack. Its probably just side effect weirdness though. I've also had eye weirdness in general, blurriness, dilated pupils which make my eyes VERY sensitive to light and colors, and seen floating shiny purple specks on adderall. I also had migraines on adderall sometimes, so that makes sense with all the eye weirdness..... Yeah, it's better now.

Weird..... I think I've had a little bit of eye twitching too here and there..... It's gone away, but I've taken Sudafed a couple times and it comes back with that, which makes sense....... Scary, I wonder if this is a stroke spectrum event.

Never tried it since I have a lot of the same fears as you. BUT it has been highly recommended for my panic attacks and such, soo....... let me know how it goes and maybe I will be inspired!!! Congrats on DAY 6!!!!! And for taking this amazing step!!!!

I want to press "like," but I've run out of my "like" quota for the day. Congrats on making it 65 days, and for having this amazing positive attitude about sticking with it!!! Your words are very motivating for me to hear, fighting the self doubt by knowing this is the right path. I have to agree that since you are quitting, you ARE doing the right thing, and that's enough to combat all self doubt. For most of us, I think it's one of those rare cases in life where you really can't go wrong, even though it might involve messing up at work and slacking off for awhile and self doubt and PAWS and all that other nasty stuff. It's still a pathway towards a better life and a better YOU.

I like that this article validates what we're doing by quitting. All the regrets on that list-- like friendships, work, happiness-- are things that adderall takes away from us. It's easy to regret those years lost by taking it..... but very inspiring to remember that these most important aspects of life are available to us ONLY through by quitting.

Just read this powerful little article, compiled by a palliative nurse who works with people who are dying. One of the top regrets is working too hard. Another is losing touch with friends. http://www.alternet.org/5-top-regrets-people-have-end-their-lives Very inspiring!

BAH HUMBUG!!! I hate Valentines day!! What a Hallmark scam. Why the hell should anyone wait 364 days to celebrate love? Or to celebrate parents (mothers day, fathers day)? Or new beginnings and/or improving ourselves (new years?) I'm not degrading the importance of holidays and celebrating people and the passage of time, but I really think all these have been blown out of proportion as money-making schemes. I was @ the bar on a date-type-thing getting pizza for take out and a beer.... (i was intentionally not mentioning the unspeakable "holiday" all day because I didn't want to deal with the pressure or lovey-doveyness...LOL)... until some guy at the bar wished us a happy valentines day. He just assumed we were there celebrating. Haha, I made some comment about how ohh yeah, I forgot all about it It worked. But, well, happy valentines day to you all YEAR ROUND wishes at that! <3

No surprise here but I've gotta agree with you, Quit-Once, about the visual images.....sometimes I dream about them too.... What is it about visual images? Why do THEY, of all things, represent all the fake positives of adderall to our trigger-prone minds? That's my biggest, most visceral trigger. But the other, deeper triggers include: -Waking up REALLY tired with a crapload of work to do -Too many emotions (makes me wanna numb my soul) ((UGHHHHH, EMOTIONS)) -All those crappy PAWS related fraud/failure feelings, combined with the desire to be successful at work and life -Being too hard on myself (like Mike's article about the 7 traits of adderall abusers-- the woman sitting at her desk saying "what's wrong with me, why can't I wrote this astrophysics dissertation? Im so stupid." Yeah, those moments.) I guess I'll keep discovering them. It's a channel, like you said. Only, it's also kind of like advertising, in that it just keeps imposing itself on our head-spaces, here and there, tempting us.

Hey Ashley, I can 100% relate to how much it sucks to be tired all the time. It's no way to live... Has this issue just started for you, or has it been ongoing throughout your quitting? Just from the flip side, though....and I know sleeping and being tired are painful, and we are in different stages of recovery and all.... but I want you to know that sleep is a gift, and a need, and you're really lucky you are able to sleep. I'm not trying to turn this around to me, I only say this because quitting is causing me MAJOR sleep deprivation issues and I pray they go away....Lately I sleep about 4 hours a night average. I'm just saying, it could be worse..... I guess the grass is always/never greener. As a fellow long term benzo user: I've read that the sleep-inducing effects go away once you have a tolerance and establish your optimal regular dosage. For me (and maybe this is my anxiety level) xanax does NOTHING to help me sleep-- unless I'm already REALLY tired and having anxiety thats preventing me from sleeping. But on the other hand, maybe this is a sign that you are ready, or almost ready, to start tapering the klonopin. I do agree with what others have said, about bringing more exercise, joy, and fun into your day-to-day. I think those all really help. Also.... Is it possible that your job/school or other life stuff might be burning you out? Exhausting your energy on a deep level?

Hi thisWILLwork, welcome! Glad to hear you're thinking of quitting. I hope you follow through with it. I will say that eventually, adderall made me gain weight. I was all malnourished and my metabolism dropped and I was sedentary, and all the weight loss that happened when I first started eventually became weight gain. If you read the "Eight Stages of Amphetamine Abuse" under the "Announcements" part of the forum, it says that in Stage 7 (where I was), some people gain weight from adderall. I don't know your situation, but I imagine it might be fairly common after a long time of taking it. It prevents lots of people from making healthy food choices, and increases the urge to drink beer etc.

I know what you mean and I can only echo what everyone above has said, that it does seem to come with quitting. I don't know if its part of the physical process, or part of letting go of being that productive and wondering how the hell to get anything done, or if it's related to all those damn newly re-emergent EMOTIONS we are experiencing in quitting...BLAH. All I can say is...... take a walk? That usually helps me. Play some positive music and just take a little walk to break those negative thoughts. Or watch a funny show or find something to distract yourself. Just know that it WILL pass..... these things always do. Lots of positive energy coming your way!! <3

Wow I am overwhelmed by all your support!! Thank you!! So much food for thought, so many ideas to help me work through it and stay strong. It would need to be a well thought out process because it would involve some effort, so that's a good thing because I have plenty of time to stop myself. Falcon no permission being requested, I just really really needed some help with changing the channel (LOVE IT, quit-once) and remembering that it IS worth it. Cassie, I think that you're right on about magical thinking. It messes with your head big-time. Also MFA and SearchingSoul thank you for the reminders of the hell that relapse would actually entail. Posting this helped a lot just to think through it and acknowledge this deep urge to relapse for what it was. Then yesterday I kinda felt like I was over it. Had a good day. I worked for 4 hours instead of my adderallic 14, went for a walk in the woods. But tonight I woke up from a dream about a full bottle of pills (it's always the visual image) and contemplated taking one, but asked myself in the dream if it was worth losing all that recovery. Woke up still wanting it, and with anxiety about whether I'm fucking up my life by quitting. I don't really know. I guess if I'm fucking up my life by quitting, then that life is a card house that needs to go anyway. Even if I do have hardcore ADD, I'd rather live with it and be me than go back down into that terrible rabbit hole. I know this. I'm sick of my mind not being sharp or focused the way I need to be. But I guess that not even adderall could bring that back now. Either I have permanent brain damage or I don't, but in either case there is no turning back. Thank you all for helping me remember that.

Was just laying in the bathtub, trying to read and having a beer, when I realized that I am DYING TO RELAPSE. Its not even a PAWS day, I'm just so sick of not getting my shit done. I'm also super interested in what I'm working on. I really really REALLY want to master what I'm doing..... this book is hardcore interesting to me, but also extremely hard. So, my desire to relapse comes from a genuine goal. As it always has, which sucks. Previously I channelled the energy of the drug into my work, which I DO love on a very deep level. Adderall helps people cope with the crappy menial tasks that suck--but also to get ahead--LIMITLESS shall we say?--but it also attracts highly driven people who CARE about life and whatever it is they're focused on. I intentionally directed it towards bettering my life, my mind, what I love and my chances at a better future. I wish I didn't care, but I do. I'm on day 47 and I should be psyched, but I'm STILL not getting anything done, and I'm sick of being crappy at my job and a slacker. I'm feeling a spark of an urge to MOTIVATE and do some shit and be strong and succeed on this very hard path. I'm just sick of this NOT HAPPENING. Maybe I really AM better off on adderall? I feel like I'm fucking up my life and my career by quitting. Maybe, for the sake of my future, esp since I'm taking out loans and such, maybe I really should go back on it. If I fuck up right now, I don't know what I would do-- I would be ruined. It wouldn't be easy, but I could potentially go back on it. Right now I just want to sleep for 8 hours, wake up, take 15 mg XR and 5-10 IR (my previous AM dosage) and fucking GO. Hell, I wanna take some RIGHT NOW and get some shit done. I really feel like I"m fucking up my work and my life. I am well aware that this is irrational. But I really do feel like a fraud and a failure at this moment. I've been so positive, but I'm starting to think maybe I can't accomplish what I need to on my own, no matter how much I want to. So, maybe I should revisit my previous life plan, which was to continue taking it for one more year before quitting. If anyone has thoughts or advice I would really love it right now. <3