BeHereNow

Woohoo! I'm officially caught up with my work that was due one week ago. Only one week behind! LOL. That's not that bad right? Two seminars in a row today. Six hours. I haven't done any of the work for either for this week. I've been keeping up with my teaching, 'cause the kids come first, but for my own seminars its really hard. I have to show up, I can't let my unpreparedness keep me from going...... Gonna walk in there with a smile and just fake it like I did in high school........back in the dinosaur days, before I ever tried adderall. Just did a google search for "how to slack off in grad school".........hmmmm, I wonder why nothing came up Damn, this kinda sucks, but I'll probably still be better than I was when I was tweaked out and overprepared... Right? Looking forward to the day when my productivity levels finally begin to increase....!

Wow! I'm so happy I wrote this, I knew I would need it! Sitting in the library with willpower eroding in a massive landslide of I DON'T WANNA and DAMN why didn't I conserve more of those pills (oh that's right, because I was incapable of it), drinking hella coffee and thinking thoughts like, "coffee? what is this, the third grade?" LOL It's just a really long grey day and I haven't gotten ANY work done. My will to succeed has just been revived a little.....just a little. But seriously people, all the journaling and posting and lists are NOT for nothing!! Write it all down! It comes and goes!

Hey friends, So, I've heard of people using a buddy system to hold each other accountable for getting things done. Like, for example in this article: http://www.wildfires...ain-success-318 I've heard of people doing this over email, for work stuff. It's kind of like having a running buddy in that you are in it together in a way, you keep each other accountable by keeping in touch about what you need to accomplish each day, and then what you've actually accomplished as it happens... Also, to encourage each other and share how its going. I It could be small things....big things.....how many hours you spent on something..... a workout.....I think the form is pretty open. I think this tool might help me to set more realistic goals and would help motivate me to get more done. I really need a creative, adderall-free kick-start. I would find someone from around here but nobody here officially knows about my "dirty secret..." LOL...but, they don't understand how hard this is. Most of my work is self-motivated and I need to start getting more done. I would really like to try this buddy system. If anyone here is interested in trying this method out please let me know! No commitments or anything needed, but I think this might work. I mean we all share things in the forums so in a way, we already have a version of it, but I think the buddy system is a slightly more detailed version.

Don't drop out friend, don't drop out, just ride it out. They pack the pressure on extra hardcore your first year, they're just trying to scare you. Don't be intimidated, you have all the power you need. Just think of how hard you worked to get where you are today! Give it a try! Also.....I've gotta agree with everyone about how much adderall messes with your work when you're hooked and you don't even realize it..... InRecovery you have put so much great advice out there on this site! I use your online form strategy EVERY DAY. I totally relate to what you said about wandering around the library. Good for you for going to the freaking library, I should follow your example. I wander around my apartment and the internet which is even worse. You are a badass and an inspiration! OMG......homework.......or bedtime? Beer thirty? GAHH!!!! Symbolic logic is just like an online form, right?

I don't even watch the show for fear of getting hooked, but.....MIA that diggin' deepah clip was AWESOME! Yeah, getting all absorbed in tiny details..... wow

If you can take a hibernation break....as much as possible, DO IT!! You're gonna be tired anyways so even if you have to go to work, just do the bare minimum.....become a real high quality slacker LOL.....sleep a bunch and hibernate in your spare time! Why not?! If you had the flu or something you'd be hibernating.....

Hi Canes, welcome! I know someone who had an adderall schedule like that and she was able to make it work really well. She only took it 2 or 3 days a week, a non-negotiable low dosage (much less than her prescribed dosage), in the morning, and that was IT. She did have to get rid of the rest of her pills to force herself to conserve those few. She made it work, and weaned herself off adderall that way. She was really good at controlling it, and she hated adderall so much she only took a little bit on her adderall schedule to help her get through really tough work days. Eventually she stopped altogether. Some of us here, though, do not have that in us. For me, I was either on it hardcore or off it: I was taking high doses every day and sometimes taking breaks when I ran out. I didn't have that kind of self control. But, if you think you can make a very low dose schedule work for you, then that sounds like it might be worth a try. It's hard to quit adderall in school, especially since you've been on it for so long. You kind of have to re-learn how to focus. Of course, you DO have the brain power to function on your own. I think adderall is meant to be a set of training wheels to help you get used to functioning, focusing, and taking care of business, so that you can eventually go without it... Of course if you read the stories here you can see how it doesn't really always serve that purpose........ Also, in some ways adderall can make the quality of your work worse....... You CAN function as a student without it! Many of us on here are going through that struggle together right now. We've been trading some tricks and stuff and it's been really helpful. So the question is whether you are truly ready to quit, whether you reallly WANT to quit, and whether adderall is a problem for you.

Hi Olivia, thanks for sharing your story! I can relate to a lot of what you said too. Congrats on 85 days!! Question..... you said that you had almost 3 months (90 days) prior to flushing. Does your doctor know you've quit? If not, you might be at risk of losing all that hard work and everything you've been through, all the progress and healing that's happened in those 85 days even if you don't feel it yet.... you HAVE healed a lot. Your brain has been working hard to replenish your dopamine etc. Even the weight gain is part of healing and even if you've gained weight, at least you're nourished and sleeping and you CAN lose it again if you start working out or something. Anyway, part of being addicted is recognizing and accepting that we do not always have full control over ourselves, which is really hard. Everyone is different, but if you still have the option to call your doctor, it sounds like that might be dangerous for you right now....

SearchingSoul it will be a challenge but you will get through it!! Like people have said, let yourself cry and feel crappy and eat sleep etc.! The brain fog will be there and eventually it will start to clear up, gradually. Its OK. Know that you are on a path towards a better life by letting your brain out of that adderall cage!! The withdrawals will eventually get better as you heal, and the quality of your whole life is going start moving in waves uphill now that you finally flushed those pills and will be rebuilding yourself. Just remember your path and try to stay positive. GO YOU!!!

Theres a homeopathic supplement.... I forget the name of it, it comes in a small chapstick sized case from the health food store. I don't know how much of it was a placebo and how much was an actual effect of the supplement, but....I think it used to help me. Also, Calms Forte is another homeopathic supplement. Its in the sleep aid section. You take one or two for anxiety or four to help you sleep. But, it does contain chamomile extract. I think it helps a little, and I've heard of people using this to wean themselves off of benzos.

Congrats SearchingSoul!!! Great decision!!! Good for you!!! You are so strong!!!! I admire you and everyone here who flushes pills. There is no way in hell I would be able to flush a bunch of pills. I had run out and be cut off to quit. So.....you're pretty much my hero. Because can I just say........GAAAAAAHHHH!!! 80 pills!! Oh the things I could do with those!!!!! Just kidding....sort of. Okay, I've had my moment....brain fart.......LOL oh the beast of the addicted mind!!!!

Its true, there were a lot of PAWS days even while addicted.....like, every morning before taking the pills.....or the dreaded running out early or taking a day "off" to reduce tolerance and conserve pills. I guess there's something about knowing that you can get more, though, that makes it different somehow from actually quitting and staying quit. Purple fingers sounds really scary......... Glad you are well versed and know what to expect. Going through this every month is terrible but that is an experience you can choose to stop having....if you stop the cycle. It DOES get better!!!

Not being nice MIA, just speaking the truth!! You're not a liar at all, it's just what I've gathered from talking to you on here and if I didn't think it I wouldn't say it. Glad you will keep them with you! A complement is a great thing to keep in your back pocket -- Way better than pills

She didn't ruin you indefinitely, and yes she is crazy! Anyways, good for you for being ready to quit! You can do this! But you have to WANT it, you have to be ready for it. It sounds like you are. I can relate about sweating it, it is scary to run out. I think accepting it as fact that you will run out, and weaning yourself off of it, helps. Your first few days are going to be hard but your brain will start healing right away. Your body will too. My Raynaud's type symptoms have gone away since I've been quit, and exercise can help with that too. Hope to see you around here more often-- these forums help so many of us through it! Anything you're going through, people here can relate or will have words of wisdom so keep coming back and post away! Good luck!

Yes, I have had this effect from adderall. Another person on here mentioned developing Raynaud's from adderall. It narrows your blood vessels so this makes sense. Are you still taking it?

The first time I quit I felt I gained my old self back pretty quickly, within a couple months, but I was on a pretty low dose then. I weaned off it and substituted it with coffee. I was ready and I had come to hate adderall so much, I just didn't want it anymore. When I first relapsed, I didn't even WANT to take it. The thought of taking it scared me, but I did it anyway. I took it because I had stuff to do, I took it because I had the option. But once I took it, just a 5 mg IR, that was enough to set me off. I was hooked again. For 3 1/2 years and at high doses, I believed I needed it. I think the key is just to never have even a taste.

Day 30!! It might sound cliche but I will always be a recovering adderallic. Part of me will never return to baseline after having been on that roller coaster. It is, and always will be, a struggle. Previously, I went over 6 years quit and clean, and then I relapsed. Big-time. I guess relapse is always a possibility.

Next time I have a PAWS day, or if I am ever offered adderall or tempted to relapse, I am re-reading this.

MIA you are NOT a failure as a human being! You are having a bad day. House, kids, job..... meh. Are those the real measures of success? You have a lot of good things going for you. I see you as a powerful, open, kind, helpful, strong badass woman with an amazing future and just going through a recovery process towards better health. Fighting with your husband over money is reason for anyone to feel horrible, but PAWS on top of it.....ouch! Good call on going to the gym. Just go work it out, take it all out on your muscles. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, this is not an easy thing that you're doing! I really like what you said, InRecovery......this is your recovery process. It's your brain healing. I'm going to remember those words on my next PAWS day.

Dear Adderall, I thought it was tomorrow, but it’s today. It’s officially been 30 days. I didn’t know at the time that that day would be our final day together; I hadn’t planned to quit at this time. I knew I didn’t want you around forever; my plan was to continue with you for one more year. I thought I needed you to get through this very big year. But….surprise! The universe removed you from my life. Good riddance, a$$hole! It's not me, it's you! Three and a half years ago, you sneaked back into my life after I had been quit and strong for 6 years. You sneaked back into my life right when I was starting graduate school. You offered to help me work harder, better, longer. Lies, all these are lies. Since the stakes and work load are so high, and I want nothing more than to be successful, I was probably an easy target. I thought I needed you in order to be successful. You know, I am living out MY LIFE DREAM and I refuse to let you continue ruining that for me. In a recommendation letter that helped get me here, one of my mentors said that my work is central to my celebration of life. He was right. That’s why I’m here. My work is central to my identity and my celebration of life and my attempt to make it better. What a privilege. But it’s not much of a dream come true when you’re too numb to experience it. Adderall, you robbed all the joy and love and fun and celebration of life from my work. You robbed my writing of all genuineness and feeling, all human emotion. Towards the end, I was so desensitized, so hollow, I was no longer chasing my work. I was just chasing you. Chasing, chasing. Hollowing myself out into an empty shell of my true self. November and December were the darkest months of my life. I was in stage 7a/b of amphetamine addiction, the 7th circle of hell. I was taking 60-80 mg/day. Probably even more than that on days when I lost count. I was living on water, soy lattes, and beer, because my esophagus stopped working. I was sedentary, I gained weight, I was deeply isolated, I felt hollow all the time. I was constantly stressed out, under pressure, trying to accomplish everything. I had no self confidence. I was a drugged up zombie. My girlfriend was in the process of leaving me (and looking back, who could blame her?) I cried myself to sleep every night. I was so severely depressed, I actually started hoping that the Mayan prophecy would come true on December 21. I thought I was taking you to help me be successful. But what the hell kind of success is that life? It’s the opposite of success, and it’s no way to live. By robbing my soul from me, my work, and the world, you made me LESS successful. Far less successful. By socially isolating me and stifling my soul, keeping you around was ruining my career and my life, and the scary thing is that I didn’t even know it. For some twisted reason I still believed in you. You would always beckon, whispering these sweet lies I wanted to believe. You told me that as long as I took a bunch of addies I would be able to write, would be able to finish it up. Adderall, you are a filthy liar. You said you would help me be more successful. But you made me less successful. You said you would help me be more confident, but you just made me doubt myself, my ideas and my work, constantly. Nothing was ever good enough. You made me less confident. You said you would help me be more inspired, but you made me less inspired. You dulled me. You scared all my muses away, you confused me, you severed me from everything. You offered to wake me up, but instead you put me into a zombie-like trance. I may be lazier right now, and I may be sleeping less, but I am far more AWAKE and ALIVE now than I ever was under your spell. You offered to make me limitless, but then you threw me into a cage. And the sickest part is that I made myself at home in the cage. The door was open but I chose to stay. Recently, I found a list I made last September, of qualities I wanted to improve. The vision of who I wanted to be. I didn’t live up to anything on that list. Not one. Not even things like handing in my work on time. But I also didn’t make the connection. Adderall, I didn’t realize until now that you were the one blocking me from becoming who I am and can be. You were blocking my writing and my speaking. You were blocking my connection to the source of my work, my connections to other people and the world. And what was I capable of saying from that dehumanized space? Practically nothing, which is why I had such bad writer’s block. I want to write and say human things, genuine things, meaningful things. I used to wonder why I had stopped writing poetry, when I used to write poems almost every day, without even trying. In the past month, random lines of poetry have come to me. My muses are not afraid to be around me anymore. Of course quitting is really tough. Some PAWS days, some good days. Lots of slacking off….LOTS. I really hope I don’t get into too much trouble during this time. I’m terrified of messing up, especially at the high stakes tables. Lately I’m getting by doing just the bare minimum. But a good friend told me that it is impossible for me to fail. And when I look around me, on the foundations I’ve already built and on the people in my life, I think she is right. Quitting adderall is not a pathway to failure, but to greater, deeper, meaningful success. And the ability to ENJOY success—to SEE success AS success, rather than viewing it as a failure (the glass was always half empty on adderall.) I feel like I’ve been reborn. New year, new semester, new decade of life (I just turned 30.) New cycle of evolutionary growth. I feel more energetic each week. I’m no longer holding myself to unattainable standards. I feel the full range of human emotions. Love, sadness, joy. Laughing, I’m finally laughing again. Seeing beauty, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching. Adderall, you took me to such a dark place, I think I may have hit rock bottom back there, which means that even the worst PAWS day is far better than a single day with you. My success depends on how my whole being flourishes, and I can’t flourish if my brain is in a cage. I know that once my brain recovers a little more, and with a bunch of practice, I’ll re-learn how to work just as hard, only differently, with my whole self UNCAGED! From the genuine love and inspiration that drive me in this world. How could the quality not go uphill?

I wasn't comparing cigarettes with adderall; I just want to be informed. Because being informed helped me quit smoking. Also, considering how many adderall users drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes--other forms of consumption even if they aren't food--I don't know if we can quite say that it has a positive effect on the environment in terms of peoples' consumption habits.........interesting to think about though.......

This is something I used to avoid thinking about. At all costs. Does anyone have knowledge of the environmental consequences of adderall? What the hell is it even made of? Thinking about ALL the consequences of an addiction helps me combat addiction. When I quit smoking cigarettes, it really helped to focus on the environmental consequences of smoking: all the non-biodegradable butts, all the smoke in the air, and the animal testing they still apparently do (or did.) This helps put things into perspective because our addictions affect the whole world, not just us. Quitting adderall HAS to be better for the environment. I did a google search for "environmental consequences of adderall" and all I got was a bunch of articles about abuse/addiction. I'd love to know more about the environmental consequences of adderall to fuel my recovery with more reasons for quitting. I know that prozac, birth control, and well all the drugs we take are winding up in our watersheds at low levels. The frogs and fish are being exposed to all the drugs we are taking and are starting to show hormonal imbalances and birth defects and such. I'm sure there must be adderall in the watersheds too, and ritalin etc. Little fishies on speed...... This happens in part because many drugs are excreted from urine (adderall is one of them.) Little known fact, this also happens when people flush drugs down the toilet (though for anyone here who needs to flush them, I do fully support that, although I think it's ideal to find another method of disposal. Apparently you're supposed to return them to the pharmacy for disposal. But in the moment when you need to flush them, going back to the pharmacy is extra time to change your mind.) I'm curious to learn more about the environmental consequences of this powerful drug. If it affects US so much, it must affect the environment pretty dramatically too.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, you mothers' experiences with kids seriously reaffirm my decision not to have them.....!!! I'm sure they're beautiful and I'm sure it's worth it in the long run, but kids are so tough! They are little energy vampires! Oh man, and quitting adderall with kids nagging you....24/7......I CANNOT IMAGINE!! My heart goes out to you!

The "whack a mole" effect is right on I think.... this fits nicely with the video you posted yesterday. We as a nation have a massive drug problem, but it seems like we need to figure out the soure of this problem in order to address it.

Great topic! I knew I couldn't be the only person who had adderall dreams...that dream you described is pretty hilarious, SomedayDreamer! MIA the job interview part does reflect something I've thought about..... with all the failures of internet privacy, being outed from here is an underlying anxiety I can relate to-- especially since you're searching for work. I feel like it's safe here though. I imagine a positive adderall dream would set someone up for relapse, quit-once. It hasn't happened to me but it did perpetuate my addiction. I used to have frequent adderall dreams when I was taking it regularly, but I only had them when I was about to run out. I used to dream of being handed more. I don't remember specifics but these dreams all reflected a feeling of wanting more. They all featured bright visual images of the pills. They were some of the only dreams I had during that time. So sad, such a fraction of what my dreams could have been. The other night I dreamed I was asking my former enabler for some. I woke up feeling uncomfortable and horrified about the dream, that my mind would be asking for them. But also honestly VERY relieved that it was only a dream. I'm sure part of me was wishing for it. But that part is the addict mind that leads directly to hell.