BeHereNow

I LOVE THIS! Definitely agree with you on the to-do lists. I use big giant post-it notes, I do better with handwritten lists, but whatever works. It's pretty awesome to check things off. I used to do very well with unstructured time when I was on adderall, I was in this illusory divine trance where I was so focused, any interruption was unwelcome because all I wanted was to stay in that trance. Nothing on the to-do lists would actually get done, especially not "mundane" stuff like bills, cleaning, or being in touch with people I love. Now, I need that structure. I need those to-do lists more than ever. I hate schedules and counting but I have to start scheduling myself. Scheduling time slots each day for certain activities and forcing myself to do them, without even thinking about it. Another tip: Make it Crappy! Really, really crappy! We adderallics naturally tend to strive for perfection, on or off the drug. On it is even worse. Coming off it, we still have those high standards, and its even harder to be unable to live up to them. The thing is that we are better than we realize. We are already high quality. Our standards are way too high. We need to do a better job of being imperfect. If we strive too much for perfection then NOTHING gets done! So......make it, and make it crappy! Really, really crappy! There is a story behind this one.... Last semester I was finishing up a term paper, on adderall, and struggling with it because I was holding myself to too high of a standard. I guess this was a good transitional project because I had a deadline but my perfectionism was giving me major writer's block. I had to fire my inner editor to let the words flow. But I was still struggling.. Too many ideas. The deadline arrived. My friends handed their papers in. I was super envious and I was still killing myself over this paper. The next day, my professor got on my case about it. In a friendly way. He said that sometimes its better to hand in something imperfect, and meet a deadline (or at least not go weeks beyond it) than to make something 100% perfect. And, he said he really needed my paper within 3 hours. He was basically asking me to drop my standards already so he could get it graded and go home. When I got this email, I was in the library (which was empty since everyone had already left for break) and I started crying. I was all addied up and getting myself into way too much, and when I saw the email I had an emotional breakdown because I knew I couldn't get it done within 3 hours. I left the library in tears-- tears of stress, tears of feeling like a failure. I chatted wtih my friend about this. She said, "you already have it all written in your head, right? Just throw something together and send it in!" We agreed that I should just make it crappy. Make it really, really crappy. And hand it in. And I did. I was up all night, I had adderall in my system but it wore off and I focused on making this paper really really crappy. As crappy as possible. I dropped my own standards and got it done--not within 3 hours, but within 18, which is pretty good. I was really scared handing it in though, because it was a monster cariciture of my grandiose vision. I was terrified to check my grade. Super nice professor wrote back and said that it was imperfect (I had warned him), but that I had done a very good job. He gave me an A. Said my lateness seemed to be not from bad work habits, but from not knowing when to stop. I think that's right on. I didn't know when to stop (and still don't as you might have gathered!!) People who aren't on adderall, or who don't already have those tendencies, just want to get something done; they don't obsess about grandiose visions or making things perfect. This leads to imperfection. But imperfection is OK, imperfection is beautiful, inevitable, human. And imperfection is at least a JOB DONE. So, my new strategy is to make it crappy..... make it really, really crappy!!! As crappy as possible!! Because what I see as crappy, someone else will see as high quality.

Hi Emmapea! You are definitely not alone in any of this! Sounds like there are a few of us who will be struggling with coursework this semester..... It's so difficult. Rach that was great advice! Sometimes I trick myself into working by telling myself I'll do just half an hour but even that seems like too much sometimes. Five minutes sounds even better, hahaha. In any case, slicing it into little spurts helps. Like, 30 minutes at a time with a break. The break should involve a carrot of some type, something you look forward to. I heard of a method called the pomodoro method where you set a timer, work for 25 minutes then take a 5 minute break. For me, work is probably the opposite right now (work 5 minutes, break for 25.) Also, to-do lists. Every day. Lists that break things into little manageable chunks and aren't too long. There is something really empowering about checking items off adderall-free. I teach at a university and if you're struggling with your philosophy class, or any other class, remember that your instructors are there to HELP YOU! It's their job and they take it seriously because those jobs are very competitive! They want to help you succeed! I think people often forget this. Go to their office hours; they're human beings. Showing your face counts and they will sit there and go through the readings with you, if you ask them (of course, you need to get through them on your own first....). I sit there for hours with my students doing this and if a student is genuinely trying but struggling, but gets SOMETHING out of the struggle, that counts a lot and I will cut them some slack. I might be nicer than others, but I think generally, making an attempt, improving, and learning something all count. Instructors (usually) know there are lots of learning styles and people come from all different backgrounds; they will generally try to meet you where you are, if you are willing to rise to the challenge. If you're not doing well and it seems like you don't care, or are trying to coast through with as little effort as possible, that looks really bad. If you're not doing well but you're trying, and you're asking them for help, that looks much better. Bring an open-to-learning approach. You can probably also get a tutor or something in any subject. These are routes that non-adderallics take, and that adderallics sometimes have too much pride, or are too antisocial, to bother with. Yeah, so I'm in grad school teaching and taking classes, and I wasn't expecting to quit right now, and I am terrified of messing up because if I mess up right now, I mess up my whole career. A lot is riding on this. So, you're not alone in that struggle. I've been very unproductive overall so far but this website says thats normal-- it's so super frustrating though. I feel like I'm wasting time I could be using better...and I COULD be using the time better. I hope that will come? Natural productivity? It's hard to imagine it. It's really hard to motivate to do much of anything more than the bare minimum I have to do to get through right now and I used to be so productive...... But then I re-read my own advice and it helps with that struggle. Anyway, good for you for doing this and for flushing those pills, you don't need them! Maybe we can all keep exchanging ideas on how to survive academically and adderall-FREE this semester.....

Agreed. The idea of putting kids on amphetamines just seems counter intuitive and god-awful. Oh, let's transform them into zombies, let's steal their souls and creativity before they can even make that choice for themselves. I was tired every day as a 16 year old....I mean who isn't?-- but for me, and everyone I knew, it was because school started at 7:35 am. Whose idea that was, I would love to sit them down and give them a piece of my mind...teenagers naturally need extra sleep, and they need to sleep late!

I went for a short walk in the woods yesterday and it totally invigorated and energized me. It's not something I would have done on adderall when I was "too busy." But I spontaneously went and had some great thinking time--I felt like I reset my soul. And I came home and wrote all night. My friend says that spending time in the forest releases feel good chemicals, and I believe him. So, I put a post-it on my desk that says: "Why would you ever pop a pill when you could just take a walk in the woods??"

Will do! Thanks for the recommendations! Also, MIA, I want you thank you for what you said about my writing. On a deeper level it helped me remember that I AM a writer and for a reason. What you said meant a lot to me and gave me the confidence to remember my connection to my natural writing energy. Writing is pretty important to my discipline (I would consider myself to be a professional but unpublished writer and educator.) I have a huge body of writing either already written or within me. I've been directing a lot of that energy here because writing helps through everything. But I realized that I can just re-direct that energy into my work, because I do have some deliverables to take care of right now! After I went through this little Pink Floyd moment today, I went for a quick beautiful walk in the woods. Bought some food and a bottle of red wine, came home and started writing--with markers and drawings!--took a nap, and now I've been writing all night. That's a full work night of writing and I am so happy about it. I have fired my inner editor and I am letting all my ideas flow, creatively, disorganized, whatever happens so long as my brain is uncaged. As long as the pen is moving it's an immensely good thing. Anyway, I don't know if I would have had the confidence or courage to write all night tonight if you hadn't said that to me today. Thank you so much--well, thanks is inadequate, but, I wanted you to know how much your support means to me.

Thanks so much for kind your words and support, MIA! I agree--very depressing music I can't always listen to.... only on very special occasions. I was actually about to start wallowing and wishing I could be numb like that again when I started watching the video....I almost stopped myself from watching it, but didn't. But I'm actually happy I watched. All those scenes of the drugged-up protagonist trapped in his cage of numbness, juxtaposed with the scenes of war--the result of dehumanization--reminded me that I would much, MUCH rather feel pain and work through my emotions than go back to that horrific, artificially numb place. What kind of culture generates such urges towards numbness?

Dear Adderall, You were always pretty good at being there for me when I wanted some emotional novocaine. That wasn't the main reason I kept you around, but it was a secondary one, and you were pretty good at "helping" when I didn't feel like dealing with my emotions--about my personal life, about having to sit and work for so many hours. When I needed to feel less.....human. You used to be like this voice, calling me, pretending you could help. Hello, Is there anybody in there Just nod if you can hear me Is there anyone at home Come on now I hear you're feeling down I can ease your pain Get you on your feet again I thought I missed you for that today, too. I am still mourning a bad breakup from a 4-year relationship (that you probably helped ruin, although it was doomed from the beginning), and I just found out an old acquaintance-friend from high school died. Drug related, actually. And the work I need to do feels like lifting mountains, I didn't sleep much last night, the brain fog is almost unbearable. But then I watched an old favorite from The Wall and remembered the tragic effects of dehumanization. And drugs. I can't honestly say that some part of me doesn't want to be numb right now, but watching this I remember that I'd much rather be human and actually deal with my emotions. That'll keep you going for the show Come on, it's time to go. There is no pain, you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon You are only coming through in waves Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying I can't explain, you would not understand This is not how I am I have become comfortably numb

I relate to you all so much! Adderall messed with my public speaking and social anxiety to the point where I was paralyzed into silence with a storm--a white out blizzard-- of thoughts during my classes and seminars. Yes, they felt very smart and amazing as I wrote them down...but I was also all silent and awkward because it would paralyze my voice. I would overthink my thoughts, or downgrade them, or self-depricate in the deepest of ways. Which I do anyway, but adderall just put a wet blanket over me. And if I did speak, or in my teaching, I would speak too quickly and not be fully engaged with other people there. I'm naturally a socially anxious person anyways and adderall totally brings that out.... which of course includes the never-giving-ourselves-a-break aspect that many of us tend to have anyways. Day 22 off of it. Yesterday, while teaching, I was all calm cool and collected.... still energetic, I summoned that naturally, but also spoke slowly enough to engage my students better than I think I used to. Much more colorful personality. I think I'm realizing that being sociable, and capable of speaking and connecting with other people, is far more important to success in probably any workplace than the productivity edge or "brainy feeling" those pills can offer.

Wow! Brain fog day... I feel like I need some pills just to answer these questions. How sick and sad is that?

To be honest, I think it's pretty understandable that you took one, and I think that a lot of people would have done the same thing in that situation. It was a big day and you were feeling unconfident and foggy. The fact that you're not running back for a refill is pretty admirable. Because for a lot of people, one slip up is the road back into it. It's crazy how Adderall messes with peoples' personalities and sense of identity. I've heard a lot of people wonder in hindsight about how our job performance would differ without it, or to what extent our job performance depends on it. It really messes with our sense of self-worth, our sense of identity. It changes the personality pretty dramatically, as though there are multiple selves. However, in the end I think it also brings out aspects of ourselves that are already there, but need to be focused and harnassed. You got those interviews without it, so you already have it all within you! But there were other things you wanted to bring out in that moment--the confidence and clarity you felt that you lacked. Adderall is a shortcut to bring out things that are very hard to summon sometimes. But then it also inhibits other aspects, like the ability to self-moderate, the ability to calmly, confidently, cooly speak your truth, in the moment, from the center of your being. On or off it, you are still you; aspects of you are still there, but different ones are emphasized. I'm sure you did well and would have done well without it. But on or off it, those situations are very competitive, and depend on a lot of factors. Who knows what other experiences the other finalist might have? The whole thing doesn't depend on whether you took it or not. The situation is mostly just out of your hands. You probably didn't make or break your chances just by taking it; that's what I'm trying to say. If you spoke too fast, they probably took it as nervousness, which is totally normal in that setting, and is really just a sign that the person cares. Whatever happens, obviously you're a very competitive excellent candidate. So, please, try not to be too hard on yourself. We adderallics have a tendency to do that, on or off it. You are neither a fraud nor a failure! One of the first steps to moving forward from a mistake is self-forgiveness. We all make mistakes, it's how we learn, and it's inevitable. Virtual hugs!!

So, I bought some of this homeopathic stuff that claims to help with "poor concentration due to overwork".... Anyone ever try it? I just took some and I'm not sure if it's helping.....

Amazing, I keep these and other supplements in a little crate right next to my bed! lol

Also, I went and treated myself to some really nice, professional new work clothing. I've been taking extra time every day to shower, get dressed, wear these nice clothes, do my hair and make-up. I've never been huge on wearing a mask or anything, but this helps me to feel more awake, more professional, more focused, confident, and just plain good about myself. My appearance is something I used to sometimes neglect because I was too "busy" overachieving. Blasting music while looking good. What a way to start the day.

I've always done this at least a little bit, but now I do so with much more intention: Pumping up my day with music! It has to be something with a good beat and preferably some overly confident lyrics. I blast music in the morning while getting ready and on my way in to work. It's way better than pills.

mmmmmm FOOD. I love eating and eating healthy! Adderall left me totally malnourished. I would start the day with a green smoothie and drink those for breakfast/lunch (if you can call it that), but later all I wanted was beer and maybe pizza or something greasy and gross. But the side effects got worse...... I was hungry, but having serious trouble swallowing anything except almond milk, water, or beer. All those adrenaline chemicals deprioritize your digestive system and I think my esophageal muscles temporarily stopped working. I think I accidentally aspirated food a couple times during my late-night adderall sessions. Just a little bit, and coughed it right up, but that's an actual choking risk and really really scary. I will not miss that god-awful feeling of telling your stomach to shut up because you know that you're addied up and incapable of choking anything down.

Hey Sebastian, Well I've been on and off for years but peaked out at around 50-70 mg per day. I'd take time off then go back on it. Actually, for most of my time on it, my dosage was much lower, prob around 35-40 mg per day, xr plus ir (a GREAT combo), but this past year I reached that max dosage which was way too much. As a student, it was only while working and I would have weeks/months off sometimes..... but as a phd student, well, work load is more intense, it's beyond a full-time job. For me though, I think (I am realizing again) that any adderall is too much. I've been quit a couple weeks now and it's going to be a long tough journey but I'm so in it for the long haul! I've quit before and I can do it again! And so can you, if you want! They say it takes the average cigarette smoke 3 times to quit.... I was a former cigarette smoker and it took me many, many tries to finally quit for real. Finally I realized that I could never ever ever have even one drag of a cigarette because it would drag me back in. Adderall is like that too. Who knows, maybe they have similar effects on your body. Anyways, as long as you KNOW that it's for real, that you are genuinely ready to recover your true YOU, then you have all the power in the world to overcome this. I am here for you, and I'm new here but it seems like people in this forum are all here for you. I also struggle with panic attacks and etc so feel free to message me if you need extra support Sorry, not spellchecking or over-editing because I'm sooo over that kind of behavior! Stream of consciousnesss here it is. Good luck to you!!!

YEAHHH!!! My list includes: -Increased desire to be physically active -Creativity! -Remembering that OMG I am an artist! And I don't feel the need to overwork my paintings --or my writing-- the way I used to on adderall! -The feeling of the fullness of my being -SNUGGLING and making out! -FRIENDSHIP and love! For example I texted everyone I love the other day telling them how much I love and admire them...... I feel all my love for people returning! -Increasing desire to make new friends -Massive smile on my face -DANCING! -Not getting annoyed with my kittens for being loud and climbing on everything while I'm "busy" working -Having better conversations with people -Drinking less -Not being so hard on myself! -OMG yes and the email thing...... who needs to spend an hour on a short email?! NOBODY! -Adderall sometimes gives people B.O..... anyone else notice that? It used to make me all sweaty and stinky, but also cold all the time. My heating bill is about to go down! -I'm pretty sure that paradoxically enough I've LOST a few pounds..... maybe my metabolism is back up because my body is no longer starving for nutrition? -Spontaneity! -Time has slowed down -FEARLESSNESS!! -Did I mention SMILING?!?! and laughing!!! A LOT!!!! -The light in my body and soul returning!! -TOTAL EMPOWERMENT to take on everything and anything!!! I have many more..... thats my stream of consciousness though!

Yeah, I'm totally against the diet pill industry. I don't use these as a weight control device because I don't believe in taking pills for weight control..... and these definitely aren't for everyone. Actually, when I do take it, I usually also end up eating a bunch of candy and nachos and stuff right afterwards, LOL. But sometimes this crappy blue pill works as a substitute for my blue ex-boyfriend. It has LOTS of caffeine (I think of it as basically no-doze) plus some other "herbal" ingredients that I'm sure are kinda horrible for the body. I don't take it every day, I much prefer the L-Tyrosine, or both. But when times are really rough and I can't get out of bed, 1-2 of these bad boys do the trick for me. And they don't rob me of my vital LIFE energy the way Adderall did. Its around $25-$30 a bottle which is a lot, but cheaper than energy drinks.

Many thanks for your kind words and advice, Motivation_Follows_Action! Second day back here. I am realizing that I do in fact still have a brain without adderall. And I am in fact capable of hardcore intellectual work without it! Actually, I think I'm a lot smarter without it! More creative, more open, more sociable. I was having dance parties in the library today while working (classic special ed behavior, hahahaha) instead of sitting still all hunched over and angry like I used to on adderall. I was walking around smiling and jazzed up for most of my day, just living, just making it happen, where I used to be super stressed out and so hard on myself for every little mistake. I publicly made a mistake today and handled it pretty gracefully, I forgave myself right away because who cares? We all make mistakes, and making mistakes is fun. My natural energy is pretty much boundless, all I need is the will to focus it in. It will get harder.... much harder. But it's nothing I can't handle!! I am SO HAPPY! It's like that feeling when you end a bad, abusive relationship and the whole world just lights up as you become free, as you become yourself.

What are your favorite things about being adderall-free? Or, to word it differently, what are your most hated aspects of taking it? The worst side effects? The things that make quitting worthwhile? I'm putting post-it notes around my house to help me stay motivated to stay quit. I've got lots of ideas about how much better I like myself without it. But this forum is AMAZING and I would love to hear from you all!!!

I am a huge fan of L-Tyrosine and B vitamins. They really really do help. I buy them online but any health food store has them too. L-Tyrosine is a chemical precursor to dopamine, so it helps your brain/body produce more of what you've depleted with the adderall. It also helps with overall well-being and mood. 5htp is the precursor to seratonin so that might help too, but I'm especially into the Tyrosine. P.s. You are not a grumpy old man unless you want to be one, and it's clear to me that you don't! You seem to know who you are, who you want to be, just be patient with yourself If anything, I think adderall ages people (I'm 30, but it made me feel SO much older--and grumpier--and I've seen this happen to others too), so if anything you are on a path towards youthful rejuvenation!

Also, I think sometimes the lessons on how we never want to live again are the best (or at least most important) kind!

I feel ya! In any case, 2013 is gonna be soooo much better!!

I think depression like what you're describing is a pretty common effect of the crash. It can be absolutely brutal. In many of my own crashes, I have found myself in a similarly depressed state. Crying uncontrollably, unable to get out of bed, believing I'm fundamentally a failure at life and work, etc. I mean I'm not your doctor but I know that adderall temporarily depletes your dopamine and other brain chemicals, so it makes sense that you're feeling this way. Your brain will recover, you will be fine. I mean talk to your doctor but I think it just takes awhile. L-Tyrosine has worked WONDERS for me with this crash, by the way. And 5-htp. And xanax, food, sleep, friends, laughing, doing things that you love. You're gonna be okay!

Also, I'm really enjoying the fact that time has slowed down for me. Life goes by way too fast as it is, no need for a drug to speed it up even more!