BeHereNow

Glad to hear it LilTex!! I have it written on a post-it note on my desk, lol.... it's easy to start obsessing about minor details and overpreparing and being really hard on ourselves. And also unnecessary because we are already high quality!

It truly is appalling. ldmcniel that's horrifying that the doctors aren't noticing your requests for help. It is not just your imagination. Adderall robs our life energy in the deepest of ways. It robs emotions, brings out the worst in people and hollows out the rest. Maybe it's a phenomenon similar to the way anorexic young women are often encouraged to be anorexic by others who aren't aware that its a problem--people often complement them, especially at first, for losing so much weight. They are often perfectionistic people-pleasers, but people don't know that they are killing themselves slowly. Much with adderall, we get complemented on our productivity levels and quality work on the drug, and that fuels the addiction. I'm not much of conspiracy theorist, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are some conspiracy theories out there behind why they give mind-numing, soul-crushing, creativity-killing, energy-stealing drugs to people, adults and especially children. With the directions our education system is going in, it fits right in with no child left behind type policies and the devaluation of arts and humanities, from elementary schools through university level..... even if it's not a conspiracy, it seems that creativity and being human are being systemically demoted.

That sounds about as close to hell as you could get...... I wish I had something to say that could help you.... but all I can do is just join you and say, Yeahhhh!! Fuck that frog!! Because some days, that's just how it is. You're strong, you'll get through this.

Heather that sounds soo rough and I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that! An hour at a time sounds about right..... I can't imagine what coming off 400 mgs/day is like but you are doing a great thing. I don't know if iit's any help to you today...but like you told me yesterday, are there any small pleasures that might help right now? You said you want to make and eat a batch of cookies....... LOL why not just go for it?! Whatever you need to do, besides adderall of course, to get through today. Watch a movie? Go for a little walk? Sometimes, when I'm going stir crazy or having a PAWs day or just need to change my head space, I like to go for a little walk around the neighborhood. Just to leave the house for a few; even if it's cold out, bundle up. I usually feel better afterwards, a slight change. It's easy to go stir crazy sitting around the house without adderall......when adderall used to make it so enjoyable. I know I'm just telling you things you already know, but sometimes, when I'm caught in a head space like that, I need to be reminded of what I already know if I want to work myself out of it. Hope you feel better, you'll get through this. Stay strong!

Right on Heather, well said! I couldn't agree more, based on what I've seen this stuff do. My sister has a dark secret with this drug and she thinks nobody knows about it. She used to be a very sociable, outgoing person who has now isolated herself from the whole world. Even if I didn't know, I would suspect it. It's crazy how adderall insidiously starts isolating us and closing down our hearts to other people. It used to be my dirty "secret" too. Now, I don't really care to hide it anymore now that it's lost most of its grip on my psyche. So, maybe by confiding in someone you really could loosen its chicken-and-egg, isolation-addiction-isolation spiral. ldmcniel, I think I started getting some Raynaud's type symptoms too.. maybe it's not as uncommon as people think. Hard to believe the doctors don't make those connections! Do you feel like you're ready to quit? Once health problems like that start I'm pretty sure they only go downhill if you continue with the adderall........ Hope to see you on here more often! You CAN do this and you have a very supportive group of people here to help you through it! We're rooting for you!

"If you were taking drugs to help you, you wouldn't notice it." "I like to function clean and straightforward, pills are just a way to dilute your life."

No way I'm going near the adderall, my 30 day mark is on Monday and I don't have many options to obtain it anymore anyways--not that I would want to anymore at this point. I hate when my addicted mind has dreams about it, though it's the first dream I've had since I've been clean which is a good sign. Soooo anyway.............It went GREAT! I do think I was better for not being all tweaked out. I am a much better speaker with more personality, calmer, clearer, more connected (just like you said, Ashley.) And Falcon and MIA all your words about not allowing this person to intimidate me really helped me to avoid feeling intimidated and go in there with confidence and compusure recognizing myself as in fact in many ways his equal (MIA I really liked that trick about imagining a role model! I will use those tips forever!) And.... he actually had VERY positive things to say! That I am articulate, engaging, organized, handle questions well, etc. Coming from someone who is usually very harsh, these complements weigh even higher in my mind. He had very few very minor things to improve, and those were a good learning experience for me too. So.....adderall-free VICTORY!!!! Thanks again everyone for being so supportive and helping me rock this thing! Time to celebrate-- (with all the little things you suggested, Heather Happy Friday everyone!

Many thanks friends!!! Such excellent advice and so many supportive empowering words I'm overwhelmed.... I feel (and will probably do) a million times better from what you all have said! I'm about to go in..... didn't sleep much last night.....when I finally did drift off, I started having dreams about adderall :/ Good thing I don't have any and don't plan to. Just plain old me. Underslept, but I don't think it's a PAWS day. I hope. I'll let you know how it goes!

Just found out I'm getting observed tomorrow morning by the scariest, most intimidating supervisor on earth. I thought it was supposed to be next week but it's tomorrow. I feel like I'm pretty OK at my job, but I know his presence is gonna trip me up, especially since he doesn't tend to judge through the most benevolent lens..... In fact, he is definitely gonna tear me apart afterwards no matter how well I feel that I'm doing. Here's hoping that as I approach day 30, tomorrow won't be another PAWS day. It's pretty much impossible to have 2 in a row this far along.....right?

I wonder.... Maybe it's time to start exercising like crazy. It's pretty much the only solution I can see.

Hmm.. I definitely made it into stage 7a/b. It was by far the darkest time in my life. What a great reminder of where that path leads. Paradoxically, I did gain weight during that stage, and now it's coming off. I also haven't been sleeping as well as I was. I keep wondering why, and if it has something to do with quitting. Stage 7b, the idea that my brain was so burned out I was producing extra sleep chemicals to rest before returning to hell, makes a lot of sense..... I used to have very long, comatose sleep sessions. I kinda miss those. (Edit: Wait, did I just say that I miss being in stage 7b? HELL NO!) But, I wonder how long until this gets better. Anyone else have this experience?

Okay, I guess it's time to go eat some frogs then....... ewwwww! What an image! But its pretty effective.... EDIT: Also, thank you for posting this! I needed it today!

I can't speak to the antidepressants, but I am a huge advocate of L-Tyrosine, 5-htp, Omega-3's (Algae DHA supplements), vitamin B complex, Biotin, a multivitamin. Also green smoothies (with kale, baby spinach, almond milk, bananas, berries, spirulina, protein powders, juices, etc,) and exercise and sunlight. Focusing all that pill-popping energy on being really healthy and replenishing all that the adderall depleted (a.k.a. everything) has helped me to feel much better and more stable overall. But, everyone is different so antidepressants might be worth a try-- it sounds like they work really well for a lot of people.

Yeahhhh InRecovery good job flushing those pills!! And way to go getting through all that boring reading.... You can do this!!! You have all the brainpower you need within you-- You already have it!

I mean if this guy can overcome his limitations--his doctors all told him he would never walk unassisted again and he proved them wrong, slowly, painstakingly-- then we can all definitely overcome our minds (or even our doctors) telling us we can't think or function again unassisted. Yeah, he falls over... again and again...... it's not a rose garden, it looks painful as hell..... But he proves them all wrong. "Just because I can't do it today, doesn't mean I won't be able to do it someday."

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=535184355831

Also, to add to the dating other people thing...... newly off adderall and feeling emotions again, it's FUN! I'm going through a breakup too. I had been mourning this loss, even on adderall (though I tried to numb myself) for a long time. But in December it officially happened and I guess I was ready for it. It's gonna take time but the worst is behind me because it was over long before it was over. And then.... surprise! I have started seeing someone new--an old friend actually--and it's AMAZING! So much fun! All the newness and freshness, all the positive emotions, being able to FEEL those again, those things I haven't felt in years! And he is a positive, very empowering person who makes me laugh and is great conversationalist, all of which has been helping me SO MUCH in my recovery without even trying. A great support just by being there, but also a great distraction from the crappiness of quitting adderall, the stress and pressure of work and feeling incapable. Dating new people can give you such a confidence boost which is exactly what we need while quitting! So, come on girl you are officially invited to join me in the moving on club! It's fun and feeling positive emotions is a huge breakthrough after years of deadness from drugs and a dysfunctional relationship. I'm a naturally positive and happy energetic person, but nothing can weigh me down like a bad relationship plus soul numbing drugs. Latley I feel so....alive! It's making me happier than I have been in a really long time.

Ashley you really do have so much to offer someone! Its amazing how popping pills enables us to continue moving forward in patterns and relationships that are actually dead ends. Relationships that our real selves would probably spot much sooner as unhealthy, dysfunctional, or just lacking in a future. How we can numb ourselves to the whole thing and isolate ourselves in a numb adderall trance and avoid actually looking at our interpersonal situations. I have to agree that dating other people sounds like a great idea. Moving on is really hard and it takes time. It takes letting go of that person and all the security (or lack) that they meant to you. Abandoning yourself to the uncertainty and the full range of emotions and the aloneness. I usually let go by focusing on the bad, but maybe that's cold and compartmentalizing of me. But there really is something freeing and amazing too about letting go. Sometimes the deepest happiness can come from the deepest pain. Some of the happiest times in my life have been shortly after fully letting go of a relationship that wasn't working. Usually in those cases its a long time coming and the mourning has long since commenced. But when you let go is when you can focus on YOU, and friends, and go out, date, maybe even find someone new. I will say though, that like when you let go of adderall, there's always the mourning of all the lost time and youth. Take your time, but if you're sure that you need to move on, the longer you wait, the more time and youth and energy you've lost. In my experience, if I know it's not working, then waiting to make sure has only ever led me to regret lost time. What's interesting too is that article on this website about the push-pull in romantic relationships and how that dynamic changes after you've quit adderall.... does any of that resonate with you? I wonder how that might change the dynamics between you and this guy, especially if he wants his future to be all about traveling and isn't working to include you in that picture..... Sounds like he has commitment issues he needs to get over... I'd be willing to bet he will regret it one day.

Taking work breaks and a lunch break like a normal human being. Imagine that. On Adderall I wouldn't take too many breaks and the ones I did take weren't really breaks because I'd be still addied up-- cleaning or going for a walk or even trying to lay down--but always feeling hollow. The breaks I'm taking now aren't very hard earned.... yet. But they are meaningful. They involve food, friends, dancing, and my soul. Because that's what taking a break is: being YOU for a little while.

(Not that I have tried heroin.... but I've heard, from people who have come off of both drugs, that xanax is the hardest. Look up xanax withdrawal online before you go down that road-- it's serious and can cause seizures, heart attacks, etc....)

InRecovery that strategy about pretending it's a form to fill out online is AMAZING! I love it and i'm definitely using it! Maybe we are smarter than we think we are, so by pretending it's something mindless we can overcome the mental roadblocks created by thinking we are not smart enough, or thinking of the task as intellectually demanding. Today I set my timer for 21 minutes. I had a chapter of reading I told myself I had to get through in that time. And...GO! It was kind of like sprinting, which got my adrenaline going. Actually I kind of feel like I'm taking adderall, it worked that well. But, I've been taking lots of L-Tyrosine lately, and eating really really healthy and had a shot of espresso, and I just told myself that I have it all in me I just need to focus it pill-free. It totally worked! I actually read OVER the 21 minutes to finish the chapter. And for my work breaks, music videos on YouTube and dance parties! That definitely gets the blood flowing!!

I mean xanax is dangerous, very addictive and VERY hard to come off of, worse than heroin.... if you are on the fence about it, it's not a good road, if you think you can go without it. If you do get a refill please be careful with it.... but if you have panic attacks regularly, at least for me I feel like it's better to have it on hand just in case, than to compromise your life by living with panic attacks. It's a really controversial drug and there are major trade-offs I have to live with, but for me it has improved the quality of my life. When I'm panicking like that, I can't focus and my ADD symptoms get worse. But I can't take too much of it either because that DOES worsen them. Just be careful with it.....VERY careful....my 2 cents. And good luck today! Also, MIA, if they don't choose you then that's their loss! On to the next one!

Probably about 2 years, though I've taken some breaks of up to a couple weeks which were horrific..... Edit: But only here and there prior to that... and in the future I hope to return to that point.

Sorry to hear you went through that! Panic attacks are the WORST. I have them regularly and take xanax daily to keep them under control. I first started having them in my early 20s. I went to a doctor thinking I had a heart condition. I found out I had an anxiety disorder. A cluster of them. People always like to ask, "what are you anxious about?" But the thing about panic and anxiety attacks (Heidegger writes) is that they are "about" nothing. And everything. All at once. They have triggers and occur within a context of your life that can contribute in major, major ways (like your new chapter for example) but they are not focused on any one particular thing. If they were focused on one thing, then they wouldn't be panic attacks--they would be fears. Anxiety is really brutal because it's so unfocused and it comes seemingly out of nowhere and you just feel like you're either dying or going crazy. It becomes cyclical too, because you can start panicking about panicking, or you panic about the feelings you're already having, which triggers even more panic. Sometimes in my experience these can spiral into rolling panic attacks that come and go for hours, but usually they only last like half an hour at most. Things that help me: As lots of people have said, focusing on something--one thing--helps. Counting--pick a random number and count down from there. Like MIA said, KNOW in your heart that you are NOT dying or going crazy and that you ARE going to be okay. It's hard to do in that moment, but xanax can help calm the physical symptoms and get you there. Taking a walk helps. Fresh air helps. Sunglasses help (I know that sounds weird, I have sensitive eyes...) Never tried the paper bag thing, but breathing deeply helps Recognizing the panic attack for what it is (not mistaking it for something else, like dying) and remind yourself that you're OK (or having someone to remind you.) Having people in your life who know that you have panic attacks is really important if this happens to you regularly, they are your support network and they can talk you through it if they're there. For me, being aware of my triggers is important. Not necessarily so that I can avoid these situations, but so that I can recognize them and recognize the anxiety they bring, and recognize when to take preventative xanax (that might sound bad to some people but I have really bad panic attacks otherwise, so, whatever works right now.) Some triggers include: Feeling trapped in any way shape or form (could include being in traffic, being in a classroom, having a major deadline to meet that I can't meet....) After going running Coffee, definitely. Also weed. Pressure to perform (like in a new situation) Social situations Anything involving affairs of the heart The future of the world (I think we live in very anxiety-generating historical moment) Uncertainty. I think coming off of adderall is a trigger in a lot of ways. And, umm... nothing! Nothing at all! I don't know, they come on out of the blue. I mean everyone's experience with these is different and sometimes the symptoms vary and can be really surprising. I hope this helps, I've been battling this for years now and it's just my experience. Most importantly, let's remember not to let anxiety interfere with living a full life.

Hi WorkingThroughIt, congrats on almost a month clean! This is a huge accomplishment because quitting cold turkey is NOT easy. Thanks for sharing your story, it's very inspiring. I have to disagree with you about one small thing though. I think that your energy levels will eventually EXCEED what they were on adderall. Your energy will permeate more of your life, you'll have more to spare, but you won't be able to summon it with a pill. There is a reason they give it to ADHD children, it has a calming as well as stimulating effect...calming and stimulating them into little drones. I think adderall also burns people out. All that energy expenditure makes for a serious crash. I have quit before and I am currently on day 23 (or is it 24?) From my previous and current experience, I have more energy, far more energy overall (and when I quit before, for years, it was insane how much energy I had--why did I go back???) It's just not as concentrated. Your brain is producing all those energizing chemicals again and I forget where the website says it, but it compares it to (I think) something like a pool of water-- the water (dopamine, energy) is all there when you're successfully quit, but adderall pours it out in a very specific stream. When you're off it, you just have it. And you WILL! And it sounds like you already do!