Well, I wasn't really hoping or planning to quit at this point in my life, but it's happening! My enabler has ended our relationship and it's for the better, it's all for the better. I am a phd student and adderall of course really helped me get through massive amounts of reading, writing, grading, and teaching. It also made me antisocial, depressed, hollow, sedentary, a fraction of my whole self. It robbed me of my light, my personality, and my genuine inspiration. I love my field genuinely, but I was totally overperforming and burning myself out. I've been off of it for a couple weeks now. Very, VERY unproductive so far, but happier. So much happier. I love 2013, and I hate adderall so much. (Well, if I had some right now I'd probably take it since I have hella shit to accomplish........it does have its benefits......) but the cost to my personality and health are not worth it. And my whole personality is more important than my work--my personality is integral to my work, and in that sense, in the end, adderall takes something away from my work. It takes ME away from my own work. It alienates my heart from the work that I love so deeply. In the end, it stunts my growth. It's the nastiest, most dehumanizing drug on the planet. This year my smile is bigger, I'm friendlier and more outgoing. Work and motivation are a struggle, yes. So far, I just do short bursts then take breaks (long breaks.) It will get better. I quit once before, as an undergraduate, after I figured out that I am not in fact illiterate without my dear blue friend. No, I cannot read as many pages without it, but I don't really care. Life is way too short and my heart is far too full and open to the world to allow my self to be closed down by such a nasty drug.
Give me 2 weeks and I might be singing a different tune. But let's hope not, I'd really like to ride this wave into 2013 and figure out how to have my act so together without sacrificing everything I am. It's the Chinese Year of the Snake, which symbolizes the shedding of the old skin, and I do NOT need to carry around all that constrictive, dead skin.
I may have hardcore ADD/ADHD or whatever but I do NOT need this drug to bring out my natural talents! I do NOT need to be less than who I am! My ADHD is a GIFT!!
OK! So with all of that said, any thoughts or advice on how to keep my act together during an unexpected cut-off, in an intense, high pressure, high-performance work situation, are more than welcome!
