Speeder906

I don't know why but I just felt the need for this post. Second thought, I know exactly why I am writing this post... I was cleaning my room tonight and organizing (adderall free, promise!) and I stumbled upon the 5 spiral notebooks (yes, FIVE) that I would use to write while on adderall. Keep in mind, as some already know, I was abusing up to 250mg in a day, gradually going from 20mg a day to that over the course of 2-3 years. I was reading a note I wrote to myself a while back that i put in my dresser so I would read it (totally forgot I put these letters to myself all around my room to motivate sobriety) and it wasn't until tonight I really sat down and flipped through these journals and letters. It's kind of like in a horror movie when someone goes into a house that obviously is haunted, we scream STOP DON'T GO IN THERE STUPID, and honestly that's exactly what it was like reading these posts. Part of me wants to post them it's so depressing, to me at least. I can just feel the desperation in every entry, every new one getting worse than the last. I'd always write an "update" when I got my refill and it was so fucking obvious how oblivious I was to the pattern of behavior I was trapped in. I felt bad reading myself go through that. I was bullshitting myself so much, saying how this new refill was going to be different (I claimed I had learned my lesson and was trying to taper down.. only to fail miserably). Anyways, I just wanted to get this experience off my chest. It was pretty cathartic to be reminded how delusional this drug eventually made me and flawed my thinking became after abusing it. It's kinda funny (lack of better word) to see how hopeful I am at the beginning (of the journals and when I get the refills) only to decline over that week and feeling so hopeless. I am just two weeks into my sobriety, but it's surprising to me how I actually had the drive for cleaning and sorting my room. And overall the first few days off adderall weren't too bad and I'm actually starting to feel like myself again. I fucking love it. Especially because I know that i don't have access to anymore adderall, so this happiness and drive I feel is genuine for once. I feel bad if I just post bragging about feeling good off adderall when there's so many others that from what I read, are in similar situations to me. My advice? Although I am early in my sobriety and might not be experienced enough to give it yet, if I could give one piece of advice it would be to cut ties from your adderall/amphetamine supply. Simple as that. Personally I did that by telling a new psych I wanted off adderall (not many details given to him cause he didn't care much lol). I would also recommend not substituting another drug for adderall immediately. Give yourself a good week or so to naturally come off the drug. I was supposed to take Prozac but as some of you know I didn't. I haven't taken anything besides L-Tyrosine a few days in my first week and L-Theanine (which I usually take daily anyways). Just my two cents. If you are even just thinking about quitting and are anything like me, do yourself a favor and so it asap. Don't wait for the summer, don't wait for your next refill. Just do it. Start your life. Let yourself enjoy the summertime! Thanks for reading

Spot on. Your experience was very similar to mine. Glad I am out of this cycle now. Your post is encouraging, thank you

No apologies necessary, frank! I stand by my idea of not replacing one pill for another. I have been off adderall cold turkey for a while, going from 200mg or so to nothing and first few days I felt lazy but now I'm starting to feel okay again. I know for a fact though if I didn't ask to be taken off adderall I would have already planned when to order my next refill. My Prozac sits not being touched and especially seeing so many stories like the one above, I don't plan to use it. Maybe not even planning to see my psych at all anymore since all they wanna do is put me on more meds when I obviously want off them.

Congrats! I also flushed the rest of mine wanting to be rid of them. Now it seems like your next task would be to prevent a relapse by telling your doc not to prescribe it anymore? Correct me if I'm wrong but you said you can get a refill next week and you just got some to hold you over, if I read that right? Cause I just know the most helpful thing for me was going to a new psych and asking them to take me off adderall officially, without any chance of getting more. Its a scary step but a necessary one if you really want to quit. Good job coming out of denial, in any case. ☺️

Thank you everyone for the advice it's truly so appreciated. I was feeling weird all day yesterday but not because of anything withdrawal related but because I just hated the idea of taking the Prozac. I also hear from people that it makes their depression worse. I was supposed to start taking it today but I don't think I will. If anything I think I'd rather have more natural remidies. Like I take l theanine for my anxiety and it has always worked well. I'd just rather not replace one pill for another.

I also live near Seattle and would be interested in a support group. my psychiatrist referred me to group therapy for depression and anxiety but I feel like it'd be better to be in a group with other adderolics going through similar things. Not sure how or where to find a group like this. Just officially asked to be taken off of it today so the withdrawals will start soon for me. Week 3 usually is the hardest (and I know cause I've had to wait that long for my refills to be ready for over a year) ☺️

Just left my psych and he's putting me on Prozac for a month to see how that works. Idk how I feel about this. He said maybe after a month we will revisit fixing focus and try some other stimulant like Ritalin (which I know doesn't work for me) and if not that then a non stimulant like wellburtin. I won't be getting adderall anymore and that's all that matters

I'm free of adderall now. Wrote my final paper for the quarter and went to the bathroom and flushed the remaining 7 pills down the toilet. Never thought I'd ever waste pills like that but I know if I kept them I would take them. Probably all within 20 minutes too. But I'm done. I looked at that 8 stages of amph use post and remember reading and being a 5 but today I realized I reached 7b. First appt with new psych tomorrow and I wrote down just how these pills make me feel in case tomorrow morning my brain is foggy. Hoping for the best right now I feel good about not having any more pills but I'm still really afraid of what's to come if I'm being totally honest.

I want this on a plaque hanging on the fucking wall

UPDATE: So i am really trying to follow thru with this - seriously this time. Just today I switched psychiatrists and I am scheduled to see him in just a couple days. I'm glad it's so soon cause if I had to wait too long I would convince myself I don't need the help I so clearly DO need. It's time to put this to bed for real this time. I've already got the support of my friend and his gf that I didn't know I had before, and now even the person who introduced me to addy is encouraging me to follow through and get help. That says a lot. You're right Cheeri and thanks for making me feel a little less alone about this. I know that this can't continue, it just can't. My body and my mind can't do it. I've already had my mark of another adderall binge: staring angrily in the mirror for a min until i just breakdown and cry like a damn baby so disgusted and ashamed with myself and all I've let adderall turn me into. I was SO close to telling my mom today that I'm getting off my meds (something soft, not gonna give her a heart attack when I say I'm an addict) but I didn't. It's so sad too because I started adderall freshman year at a nice university and burned out then dropped out lying my way through paying off that debt. Even saying I'd use my time off school to "get my head right" and then go back but here I am back at it but hey at least I am done with the term minus a few minor assignments i'll just coast thru. My presentation was the worst cause last time I had to present something I was in an addy binge and on a lot of Valium so I was literally so dysfunctional and I still am haunted by that day tbh. Doesn't help that I just had a substance use disorder lesson in psych and I fit the criteria for the diagnosis like a fucking glove. Shit just feels to be sinking in for the first time for me, or maybe I'm just overly optimistic cause of the adderall ..

Hey everyone.. I haven't written in a while because things for me haven't changed too much - still falling back into the adderall crash and binge cycle. I had my final assignments due this week (so did them over the weekend) for college and just before the weekend my rx got refilled with the new increase dose from my doc (somehow..). I've tried to write this post for like four hours now without getting too wordy so hopefully this one's the winner. I've taken roughly 1000mg over the course of five days with somewhere around 300mg left of my refill - I know how bad that is and it blows my mind how I am still fucking alive right now. It's funny, usually the first day will be productive or fun in some kinda way but this time around I can honestly say I felt NOTHING. I did manage to put together the assignments I needed to for school but honestly I couldn't tell you about what I had written because I'm sure it was all delusional, adderall gibberish, many tangents, lack of any focus at all. Ironically I have come to realize that adderall doesn't make me focus at all anymore; not even for the first dose. It's instant depression and depersonalize every time. I guess I'm taking so many to try and get passed that but I have a hunch after over 1000mg, I won't be getting there in this lifetime. I have dissociated myself from all friends and family more than ever before and hardly look at them at all to which by this fifth day I feel bad because my mom at least talks to me like she's really concerned about me, thinks something is wrong, i claim to be stressed and busy with finals but I was so close to coming clean - I really wanted to.. I wanted to ask her to hide my pills from me because I can't trust myself anymore. She would probably do it too which is why I hate myself for chickening out. I'd hate to tell her that her youngest son, the one she knows will go great things some day (yeah she really says this to me it's bittersweet) and learning that kid was a drug addict would just break her heart, I bet. I was so down on myself for everything this weekend that I actually came clean to a good friend of mine and his gf about how bad this abuse has gotten. I wasn't expecting them to be so supportive and helpful to talk to. Honestly I was just gonna hang around their place until my xnax plug was around and I couldn't face my family at home at the time. My friend's gf offered to take me to an NA meeting which I was hesitant about at first but now given my situation just getting worse and worse, I know it's the right thing to do for me. I'm also trying to find a new psychiatrist, one I am able to see more often and for longer (my psych visits are 10 min tops every 6 months) because with this new psychiatrist (or a psychologist/therapist would do fine too) I am going to bring up substance use disoder which I would probably legit quality for (read the dsm-5 diagnosis criteria and I fit each one..) and basically I want this to be the start of my healing process (with getting off addy maybe taper even, therapy, treating any other underlying disorders that my old psych glossed over) Anyways, I think that's the gist of what's on my mind right now. I'm just feeling so exhausted from the toll this drug has put on my body. I'm 2mg of clonazepam so I feel kinda stellerrrrrr Later days

Needed this. Thank you

I just quit my job last week and this part right here I could have written myself its that spot on. I was abusing heavily for over a year at my job. I knew it and refused to believe that the thing that's gotten me so far in school and work wouldnt work anymore. Eventually all the pent up stress and frustration just got to be too much and I ended up having almost like a mental breakdown at work so I guess theres worse ways to lose your job? Either way I wish you the best with your new job search as I am doing the same myself right now. It's gonna be hard going through withdrawal all over again but at least work stress won't impact my path to finally getting off these damn pills. Anyways, Good luck!

What were the steps in between those binges of 120mg a day to where you are now, if I may ask? I just ask because I am kind of in that same rut right now of binging and meth-head-eske behavior to some degree. I'm also averaging about 120mg a day (sometimes more) and was just wondering what you did right after your "dark period"? Did you tell your doctor? go to rehab? Just to read that those binges were someone else's dark period really hit me (especially the part about referring to the aftermath of adderall binges as ptsd) because that's kinda where I am at this very moment. I'm trying to taper down as best as I can but ya know as an addict that doesn't pan out all the time. thank you and i am happy to see you've started to rebuild your life, that's actually inspirational to me. Congrats on all your progress!

All throughout the day especially when I am on adderall I can't help but crack my joints.. Not just knuckles like I have always moderately done but these days I'm am popping my ankle/foot bone? Rolling my ankle until it pops cause if I don't hear or feel a nice loud pop I just obsess over it until I am successful. Now that's not a huge deal normally but I shit you not I spend hours doing it without really thinking about it and I think my family in the next room can hear me do it at all hours of the night and now I just feel very self conscious about myself even more. I was just wondering if any else has had this issue? It's not as bad when I'm off adderall FYI. Just sucks cause right now as I write Im doing it and it's keeping me from getting to sleep

Last time I was here I wrote that I had relapsed and that was a month ago. I asked my psych to put me back on adderall because I was overwhelmed with college (my second quarter back post-dropping out due to adderall burn out 2 years ago) and when I am faced with even minor stress these days I just go straight for the pills. Ironically it doesn't make me feel less stressed or even help me focus and get that much done anymore so idk why it's even a solution in my dumbass head. I haven't gotten the adderall-study session effect in over a year. Why would this be different? Either way I ran out last month but 2 weeks later went to my psych (my goal was to talk about my anxiety, loneliness, and depression worsening) but instead in our very brief visit (I try to get my $ worth and tell her about my life even if she obviously wants to know about the adderall) which lasted 10 min she suggested an increase in dose since I have long school days. Long story short .. Not only did I manage to get my dose increased (w/o asking even), but I got a refill that same day and it was for two months instead of my usual one month supply. Honestly it's so painful thinking back to that day because I remember having good intentions. I didn't want to binge, isolate myself, be wired awake.. I was trying to remember that on my way out of the pharmacy because after running out last time I went as far as to but Ritalin from a coworker (fucking hated Ritlain so much - more zombie like than with adderall) so I didn't wanna go down that road again. Next thing I knew I was 3 pills in, not 10 after leaving the pharmacy. Justifying myself by thinking of all the school work I have to do and will get done because I have adderall now! Nope.Same shit happened that day like every other time I picked up a refill. Binge over 100mg first day, use 100mg+ to stay awake the next, and so on. Same thing: sweaty as hell and tweaked out at work which was harder than usual because just about the whole store was quitting due to a new manager coming in (i was looking for less stressful jobs on the side but didn't have any luck at the time), Like I said.. same shit.. felt awful as I rapidly cut myself off from everyone even my family in the same house. Claiming to have lots of hw. I did, but I wasn't doing it. Mostly staring off into space or hating myself again. In the (very likely) event some didn't want to read my adderall-rambling nonsense above.. here's the gist: relapsed twice in two months, somehow got a dose increase and got two months supply instead of one month, and per usual fooled myself into thinking I had control over my use. Again I was on another adderall binge that within the first few days caused me to act like before but this time around I had the pleasure of watching myself fuck up my life even more by quitting my job without a backup (and keeping that from my parents who i live with), skipping class most of this whole week, stay at home literally all week long, and manage to keep up the binge to my now 8th day on a constant 100-180mg dose. I feel more depressed and alone now more than ever where it makes me want to sit and cry. I'm so desperate to not feel alone or like I'm at a stand-still that I just use adderall to speed things up, hoping to reach a point in time where things are better but the fact is that point will never exist if I stay like this. Never. It's taken me almost 9 days of this misery to realize the reason I do this. I don't know the underlying cause 100% but for the first time I have discovered a good chunk of the reason. Unlike ever before I have pills left and I want to give them up. Normally I'd "want" to quit cause I had to. I won't last the whole 2 months but the least I can do, I think, is gradually take a little less and not go back above it (recently went from 150mg down to 120mg) and it's the last chance and only choice I have to cushion the blow i will surely feel when I am without adderall for the next month and a half (two months basically). My inner voice (inner-critic/addict) makes me feel hopeless and doomed, but in my short time being a member of this community, I have been told/shown/etc that isn't ever the case. Even with me as far gone as this week makes me feel like I am. I like to think the mere fact I would post here again, the fact I literally locked my pills out in my car (yeah.. I know..), and the fact that even with pills left I am getting ready to quit once more, that maybe, just maybe, I am not as weak and pathetic as I thought. I may not be perfect (even w/ adderall) but I really am trying my fucking best to not let this defeat break me. Not again. I know I am stronger now. Each backslide just means I have something new to learn for the next time. Each fuck up occurs to teach me something I didn't know last time. Writing these things make me feel whole again for the first time in quite some time. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Cheers

Relapsed this weekend. I was supposed to be cut off from the source but on a day of weakness I let my inner critic convince me that I wasnt gonna have the fulfilled life that I'd imagine about in my early Adderall days back when the euphoria still existed and my self esteem wasn't utterly shattered into pieces. In my law class I barely could focus and I was already getting worried about having to do so much reading which is harder without Adderall to make everything in a textbook super interesting. I hadn't eaten that day and didn't want to sit and eat just to gain more weight than I already have --- and thats when it was already over. Getting one shred of rationale to get some addy was enough to make my inner critic take control of me and next thing I knew I was excited to pick up my refill after school. Cause of course my psych let me back on the meds after a month ago I asked to stop getting them. Five days with little to no sleep and 740mg later... I've come to face the facts that I'm addicted and I am getting to learn this lesson once more as if I hadn't gotten this lecture before. I want to try seeing a drug abuse counselor or addiction counselor for a consult to see if meeting with them regularly might suit my situation. Anyone have any knowledge on how to go about that one? It's been a blurry stressfully immesly long weekend for me including most of my coworkers quitting cause of our horrible store manager not doing his job as he should. Its just more unnecessary stress for me on top of this relapse so I'm going to give my two week notice today. I'd appreciate any kind words if y'all have any. I'm feeling pretty lousy today aside from the no sleep thing but emotionally I feel ashamed cause for the month I was sober I had a better outlook on life but its just when I start to feel insecure or inadequate there's this desire to suppress doubtfulness and overcompensate with a pill that'll make me be the productive motivated person that I want to be but in reality it doesn't have that effect for more than 20 minutes.

Personally I would say after a while I finally was able to have my sense of humour. On Adderall I was a total zombie. Nothing would make me smile. No one could make me not super serious which was sad because all my life before Adderall people would tell me that I was funny and had a good sense of humour. Having fun and laughing and not taking things so damn serious all the time is one of the best things I've discovered since getting sober. I've been clean for almost a month now and I notice the same thing with me as you noticed in your first 8 days and in my experience so far you'll notice more and more of your true self come out so you have that to look forward to. Best of luck

I'm roughly 20-22 days Adderall free. Overall I feel better than when I was taking it. I'm less anal about when I'll be taking another pill, I can actually genuinely laugh on a daily basis, and I don't always worry that at any moment my heart will burst. However now that I'm 3 weeks sober I have a few things maybe y'all could advise me on. It's nothing major but in the midst of my getting back to normal I have struggled with some things that in retrospect I relied on Adderall to help me with. 1) General boredom? Like I ask for more days off work just to relax a bit now that I am off Adderall but now I just feel bored. I don't know how to spend my day. I dont really have friends to spend it with. Kinda just feel lonely. 2) Bloating. Lately I have just been eating a lot of junk that fills me up. My weight has fluctuated A LOT during the time I have been on ad off Adderall. When I first was taking it I immediately lost a lot of weight. Binging and crashing a lot made me gain and slightly drop some of that weight. I've never been much into health or fitness so I'm really just clueless how to go about starting a exercise routine, a better diet without making too big changes too fast, maybe I should get a trainer? Idk. Now I'm easily 50lbs heavier than I was when starting Adderall (ironically I initially lost 50lbs within the first few months on this stuff). 3) Antisocial tendecnies? I'm a shy person and always have been but Adderall let me come out of my shell to a certain extent but by the end of the time on the drug I was anti social again. Now I'm just lonely a lot just curious as to how people make friends? It's a pathetic question being as I am 21 but making friends is really hard for me. Maybe if anyone could give some tips on socializing in a school/college setting? As I am a student. And just general conversing tips (platonicly and otherwise) Other than the boredom, weight gain, and lack of socializing... Life without Adderall is great. Just makes it hard to resist asking for a refill when I don't know how to spend the days and when in just a week or so I'll be starting classes again without adderall for the first time in my college career. Thanks everyone

Literally sat here before logging in thinking about how to undo all this and get a refill thinking I could do better this next time around until I read this and your other thread on here.. Made me realize the hell I was potentially putting myself through again, but not again. It's crazy how up until now I was only thinking about the 'benefits' taking addy again would give me. Not thinking about my past behavior. Thank you for that!

I think the worst was the false sense of security or esteem in myself in regard to my habits like I was able to convince myself that 'tomorrow I'll only use my prescribed dosage' but then that day never came and deep down I think I knew it but the addy wouldn't let myself accept it

"The truth is that whenever I feel lonely, bored, sad, or out of control, I decide that I need it and go on a mission to get it. I know that I am better off Adderall and that I've made a complete mess of my life. When I'm on it, I say and do things that I would never normally do if I weren't on it. I wake up the next day, full of shame, and need to take more to distract myself" Reading those few lines REALLY hit home for me. You're not alone. I was in the same binge crash cycle as you, and I didn't have anyone to talk about this kinda stuff with either until I started posting here even if I don't personally know the other members. My advice is to cut off your supply if it is possible. I told my psych a very broad reason for wanting to quit (and actually lying about tapering as I know tapering would be impossible for me) and honestly I feel a weight off my shoulder. If you can I would suggest starting there. I know exactly how you feel about the feeling defeated and trying to just forget it with more addy. Good on you for admitting you wanna stop by posting here. I am early into my sobriety but I have to admit this website helps SO much. Good luck

Speaking for myself, I've found writing and reading (on here, in school) easier and more enjoyable without Adderall. I was once in a similar place as you, unable to imagine doing anything without some amount of adderall in my system. I think it takes time off the drug for one thing. Second, and this is just my two cents on it, but reaching the point where you realize you want to or need to let go of adderall REALLY dictates your willingness to try finding pleasure in things like writing or reading or even excercising for example. Honestly the exercising this is what I've really been struggling with now 2 weeks sober. It motivates myself to post here or read posts cause I know Adderall hasn't just affected me but other people as well. Knowing I'm not alone, seeing it in front of me on this site, makes me have the desire to write a post like this very one I am writing or get on here regularly to read others postings. Not entirely sure if my response was that connected to the OP maybe I'm just rambling which is weird being off Adderall and doing, but yeah.

So I'm just over a week off adderall and I've been looking for a new job because I don't like the 1) reputation I have at my current job and 2) feel like this is a new phase of my life so it should be starting with a new job. Anyone else had this feeling after quitting and if you followed through, did it work out well? I think I nailed the interview which is really good for me being as I was totally sober during it. But part of me is a little worried I won't be as on point if I decide to take this new job. Thoughts?

Wow.. I've been off Adderall for about a week now and today I had this thought to myself that maybe I could control myself next refill (despite having told my doc I didn't wanna take it anymore last week, which probably has made it impossible to get a refill now.. But still the thought of in moderation entered my mind for some reason). Now reading all your replies, dodge, Rachael, and Nicole.. You guys reminded me why I told my psych I didn't want to keep taking Addy anymore, why I have so many notes to myself saying Adderall has chewed me up and spit me back out, and really why I joined this site and decided to post my journey through all of this. Admitedly today after a week sober I was getting my first round of craving of many sure to come. I really appreciate it