NotToday

Hey @Catherine1, welcome to the boards! That's great that your work is being supportive and encouraging you to take the time off. As someone who did inpatient rehab, I always highly recommend it if it is an option. I saw you said your insurance doesn't cover it, but usually there are some loopholes. Most insurance will cover detox and then skip over residential to a level of care called 'PHP' (partial hospitalization) which is considered outpatient. Essentially, you're supposed to be in therapy all day and go home or to an unsupervised home in the evening. This is a level above IOP which tends to be a few hours several days a week. Many treatments centers will accept PHP in lieu of residential. They will either 'write off the room and board', balance bill you for legality reasons but straight tell you they don't expect a payment, or they will determine a room and board fee for you to pay before arrival. I know this from experience as my insurance technically did not cover residential IP but I was still able to attend a residential program under detox then PHP coverage. Anyways just wanted to throw that out there in case you might have the same situation. I always advocate for treatment as I truly believe it saved my life best of luck to you and keep us posted on your progress

Thank you both!! @sleepystupid those are strikingly similar backgrounds. Are you working for Epic or Cerner by chance? And I agree, it can be a struggle some days to get motivated. I also don't have any real hard deadlines, it's more or less just keeping things moving in the right direction which some days i do a better job than others. Ive come SO far, and I'm grateful that I've managed to adjust off of adderall. Felt like an impossible feat for sure!

Love that! I wish there was a way to put in words the gratitude I feel for this community, I truly feel it saved my life and I know countless others feel the same. Does Mike still come around/see donations made to the site?

I think it's super important to mention all of the wins we have in this brutal process, and not just the struggles. I made a post a few months ago about how my boss asked if I would be interested in a promotion to the lead for my area. Obviously the answer was yes! Well the job description/title was FINALLY approved and I found out today that it will become official after the new year. I am still so blown away by my abilities OFF of adderall. For so long I attributed everything I had accomplished to being on it, but the reality is that I am so much better without it. Even more is that my job allows for a lot of freedom in the projects I work on and is very autonomous. For those who don't know, I have a background in healthcare finance/accounting but currently work in data analytics/informatics. I've been working on a self directed project the past few months in any spare time and finally sent out the communication today. I seriously could not have asked for better feedback. They want me to roll out the BI dashboard to Csuite and senior management ASAP. I'm just so proud of myself I could explode! Lol! Going to try to ride this high out as long as possible Thanks for letting me share!

Thank you for sharing this. Wow, so much great advice. I read over these posts several times over the past few days and they really helped me get grounded again on why Im doing this in the first place

No, it was called Vraylar. I'm sure they're getting kickbacks for both. The whole thing was messed up. I went into the appointment intending to ask for Wellbutrin but also was trying to be as honest as I could about my situation and history of substance abuse. He told me I had 'mood issues' and that I needed a 'mood stabilizer.' It sounded innocent enough, and since he said it wouldn't cause weight gain I thought I would give it a try (serious lapse in judgement after everything I've been through I should have known better). So I look this stuff up as soon as I leave and that's when I find out it's an antipsychotic with HORRIFIC side effects, INCLUDING massive weight gain, but even scarier was brain volume loss!!! Even worse was that this crap was still under patent, $1200 before insurance like 300-400 with insurance. I pretty much just called the office back, flipped out, and have not made another appointment anywhere since lol.

I will be in Atlanta this coming weekend and am always open to a meetup. Just shoot me a message

@sleepystupid I can see how easy it would be to still relapse that far in. I have had more 'fuck it' moments than I could possibly count, esp in that first year, and the only thing that kept me from relapsing was the sheer fact that I didn't have any adderall. I tried to get on Wellbutrin but doc refused to prescribe it to me and instead said I was bipolar and tried to give me an antipsychotic. Think that was around month 10 and since then have not even considered another drug, so sick of, as frank put it, being a lab rat for big pharma. Glad you picked yourself back up and are trying again. Hope the lithium orotate works for you. I plan on posting my experience in the next few weeks.

Thank you all so much for responding. I really really needed to hear that. I'm so grateful for this community. @Tom23Jones you're so right, something in the combination of the weather and holidays sends me in a tailspin until I don't see the point of anything. I'm with you on craving pills to get through social events. I never really considered benzos a doc for me but rather a means of coming off adderall but I find myself occasionally wishing I could take it again. Have to shut that down immediately lol. Alcohol is definitely a tough one, so I can relate to that. It's just in your face everywhere. I haven't managed more than 90 days without it but it has caused me enough heartache in the past to give it up completely so it's something I am still trying to figure out. Keep it up, hopefully at 6 months you are through the hardest part. @Danquit i absolutely do not want to go through that again!!! I don't think I even could tbh, that was the worst year of my life. I'm glad you are feeling good at 20 months, I feel like my recovery has mirrored yours in so many ways that I can almost base my expectations off of your updates lol. I don't know what I would do without this site and have no plans to ever stop reading And I agree, fuck adderall!!! @Frank B I'm going to go ahead and order some. I know, like me, you have tried every supplement under the sun so I am hopeful that I might also see the benefits of this one. I'm really happy you found something that works for you. As for diet and exercise, ive FINALLY gotten into a regular gym routine and am going 4-5 times a week with almost no exception. My diet could still use some improvement, and that is a work in progress. Hoping that as I get more and more consistent that I will continue to feel better.

Hey Eric, I have no personal experience with Strattera but I do recall reading a few horror stories about it in the forums. Try the forum search function and im sure they'll come up.

Tomorrow will be 17 months adderall free, but I am embarrassed and somewhat horrified to admit that the past few days I have had incessant thoughts that if I had anything, I would use it. I don't know where these feelings are coming from, but I do think now that I am affected by seasonal depression. I've been in a pretty good place for almost 7 months and out of nowhere I feel consumed with hopelessness. I'm sure it will pass, and I don't plan on going back, but this sucks....

Anyone on here use Sober Grid? It's like FB but for recovery....

Yea I realized the same thing when I started tracking the sleep. Had no idea how much I was actually awake on and off throughout the night..

Agree, while not everyone experiences PAWS to the same extent, it's certainly not just 'all in our head'....

Also is the app giving you actual resting bpm? Even doing the smallest amount of activity can raise your heart rate so there tends be a lot of fluctuation throughout the day. If it tracks resting for you, I would base it off of that...

Have you noticed a difference in and out of ketosis? I decided to give the ketogenic thing a try as well (and I love it), but it seriously blows my mind because every time I enter into ketosis (I test it), my bpm goes from ~57 to ~49 in a matter of a few days. Every time I knock myself out, it goes right back up again. I looked online and found a few people saying the same happens to them but still not sure how. Other than that, I think the best things are just cardio and not smoking. Weight loss if needed helps too.

That's quite impressive. I didn't even have the sustained drive to make my first post here until I was in my 5th month lmao! Congrats!

Congrats on 3.5 years, that is amazing!! This was a beautiful post, thank you for sharing!!

Hey Frances, welcome to the forums! You have quite the story, and I can relate to a lot of what you're going through right now. I, too, was using a daily cocktail of speed and liquor, and while I would hammer away in an office all day, my behavior outside of work was, at times, downright horrific. Some of the things I've done and situations i put myself in are really unspeakable, and after 15 months clean, i still bury the memories because they are too much to face. I doubt this is healthy, but for the time being, I am at least coping. I always had the same 'fuck it' mentality that you speak of, or at least I thought I did, but in reality, as long as I was still tweaked out I was numb to the ways my actions were affecting me. I never had to deal with anything. Realizing this will help you start to separate the real you vs the using you, you won't behave the same way, and you'll see you weren't really crazy but someone stuck in the cycle of addiction who is finding a new way to live. The fact that you enjoy your new job and are still good at it without adderall will benefit you greatly during this process. I kept the same job when I quit and it was an uphill battle for a long time. Right now, I think the best thing you can try to do is be kind to yourself and learn to forgive yourself. I spent months locked up in my apartment, withdrawn from the world, consumed with guilt, self-hatred, and not knowing how I'd ever climb out of this massive hole I'd spent years digging myself into. That is a dark place to be and only keeps you trapped. Force yourself to do things when you don't want to, surround yourself with positive people, check out NA, do anything but dwell on the past. Take it one day at a time, those days add up quick and eventually you get to a place where the memories don't hurt like they once did, they're there, they're always there, but you'll put so much distance between them, replaced with positive actions and experience, that you'll hardly recognize that person but you'll see how much stronger you are for now having had gone through it. best of luck to you. Please stick around and keep us posted on your progress!! We are glad you're here

This pretty much sums it up for me as well

This is awesome!!! Congrats! 10 months was def my turning point and it has consistently improved since then!

I've had two coworkers separately tell me over the past week that they have noticed a change in me. They mentioned that I seemed happier and have had a more positive attitude. I wish I could tell them the truth but don't feel like I know or trust them enough. Its so nice, though, to have the reaffirmation of how adderall literally destroyed my ability to connect with others, but that slowly but surely all those pieces of my personality are coming back. Even though I finally feel like I am in a good place, I stay close to the boards because reminding myself of how far I've come keeps me grateful. Gratitude has changed my life, and when I think back to the way I was living and the road I was on, it literally brings me to tears because ANYTHING is better than that life. I feel like I am such a better person for this experience. Adderall made me delusional and narcissistic, but today I am full of compassion.

Hi Alyssa. welcome to the forums!!! I thought I'd give my two cents in regards to your question about quitting adderall while in college. I can only speak from my own experience, and while I did not quit in college, I put it off for the same reasons you mentioned. I had determined it would be easier after I graduated, but I could not have been more wrong. The problem with this logic is that while you won't be in school, you'll likely have other, if not more pressing, responsibilities. In my particular case, I already had a full time position in my organization my senior year of college after being hired from an internship. I conpleteted that year by taking night and online classes all while working full time. My career really took off initially and the prospect of quitting adderall became less and less of an option. I've talked in several other posts about how my additiction spiraled out of control until I was left with no other choice but to quit. To do this, I had to, after over 4 years in my organization, go to my boss and explain that I needed to take a leave of absence to go to rehab. I am incredibly lucky and forever grateful for the support and understanding I received, but this was far from an ideal situation. I won't sugar coat the fact that getting off this shit is a miserable process. I personally was pretty much useless for almost 10 months. However, if I could go back in time, hindsight as it is, I would have just taken a semester off in college to take care of the problem. I would have saved myself so much heartache.... keep us posted on your decision and best of luck to you!! You deserve a life above and beyond the cycle adderall has you trapped in

There's a ted talk that mentions this experiment too @Frank B https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong/transcript

For me, I was pretty much driven to the point where I had no other choice. i had neglected every aspect of my life in order to keep my addiction going, and the reality of the situation came crashing down around me within a matter of a few months. My ex kicked me out, I maxed out every credit card I had, found myself drinking at extremely questionable hours, was stuck in a never ending binge/withdrawal 2 week cycle living for my next refill, developed strange health issues, destroyed my teeth and the list goes on and on.... I knew I could not keep the pace for much longer and checked myself into rehab before I lost everything. I wish that things didn't have to get to the point they did, but I truly don't think I would have quit any other way. I DID NOT want to quit, but I also knew the future was looking extra bleak if I didn't. It's going to take me a long time to completely recover from the years of wreckage I created, but I am doing it, one day at a time. Quitting was the best thing I could have ever done for myself, and even in the mess I've created, I truly feel happy for the first time in almost a decade. Life is crazy like that...