Rachel

I thought I was dying like, ten-twenty times during my abuse! I went to the ER like, 4 times thinking I had heart failure, liver failure...omg. My poor fiancé had to take me almost every time...Thank you for sharing this, because it's nice to know I wasn't alone. In my last psychosis I hallucinated that I was the worst criminal in the history of the world, and was being accessed of crimes I didn't commit. In my hallucination, I was put on death row, and had every single deadly disease on the earth...HIV, pancreatic cancer, Hepatitis of every form. I also thought I passed it on to my fiancé and his family, and I envisioned they were all in the hospital getting tested and each time they found out they had a disease, they would scream at me. Then I thought my fiancé had a new girlfriend, and took my engagement ring and gave it to her right in front of me, and his mother was making me watch them dance. So, I was screaming at people that weren't there while I was in the ER. Finally, I was convinced I had 3 months to live from my "diagnosis." I came out of the hallucination when I was being transported to the psych ward, and the young ambulance driver broke the rules and let me use my phone. I texted my dad and told him I had three months to live and all these deadly diseases. I also told him my fiancé was marrying someone else and took my ring. My dad responded, "No, you gave it to him to keep it safe. What the hell are you talking about?" That's when I broke out of my psychosis. This stuff is not to be messed with, take it from me. It is so powerful that I still have the urge to use it, even after all that and putting my loved ones through absolute hell. 47 days today!

Same thing happened to me! Psychosis twice...second time I was 5150'd. I still remember my hallucinations, and at the time I fully believed them. My poor fiance had to witness me completely out of my mind in the hospital; he thought I might stay that way forever.

Day 46, and struggling even worse. I really want to go back on it, but getting it will be incredibly difficult. Guess that's a good thing...I put all the roadblocks in place early on. Now I wish I hadn't. My addict brain will always find a way...But I am in a program, and they test us, so that is also motivation to NOT relapse. Hope you all are well!

Strattera did not work for me, and made me horribly depressed. I'm going in tomorrow to see what other options I have.

I just wish I still didn't want it!!

Thank you Roxbury. "Down the rabbit hole" is a great way to describe what happens to all of us. Luckily, I didn't start anything new, and actually got out of a lot of bad relationships that led me to a wonderful man that I'm going to marry. However, it took the bad guys having to leave me. If they didn't, I most certainly would have stayed and my life would be over. When I was using I would spend hours doing useless things, like scribbling in numerous notebooks...just utter nonsense. I am on the brink, as crazy as it sounds. Even after the psychosis and being 5150'd. I feel like I wouldn't abuse it now, but that could be the addict talking. My ADHD is being treated with Strattera right now, and it's not working. Hopefully tomorrow we can find a better solution that is safe. I hope I make it. Thankfully I don't have easy access to this stuff. This forum is helping me big time.

My face and throat started swelling and twitching during my singing recital. I made it through, but I spent the whole time freaking out about people noticing.

I was great until after a month. I am on the verge of relapse, but I am in a program and have a fiancé I love more than the drug. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I know it will be worth it. I am experiencing your symptoms right now, and have learned it is all part of the process. The support on here, in my program, AA, and from my loved ones keeps me going. Do you have a strong support network? Hope you are still doing well!

I am in the Bay Area as well, and would love to talk with anyone that is around! 45 days clean and struggling.

Cheeri0 thank you SO much for your reply, I really needed to hear that. You are right, I need to look for the similarities, I am not unique in this...and thank GOD for that. In my outpatient program, there are a couple meth users I can really relate to. I just seemed to hit this enormous bottom a couple weeks ago, and just got stuck in myself. These last few days have been spent obsessing over Adderall and how much I want it. Thankfully I found this forum, because I was on my way to relapse. I'm still not entirely over the hump, but I know I won't use tonight. I see my psych on Tuesday, and I am telling her NO MORE Strattera. I am also on Wellbutrin for depression, but it hasn't done much in the way of help. I have no idea what other choices I have. Concerta with heavy supervision was mentioned, but I'm not sure if that was for further down the road. A part of me wants to do away with the medication all together, and the other part wants to go back to what I know. However, there isn't a doctor alive that would prescribe it again. I took so much that I ended up in a 2 day hallucination/psychosis. I was 5150'd and spent 3 days in a psych ward. And I still think I can take the stuff without abusing it...crazy, huh? This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful like they say. I stopped drinking over ten years ago with the help of a 30 day inpatient rehab and have never looked back; I don't crave it at all, in fact the thought of it makes me sick. But Adderall? Oh no, I am still harboring the hope I can go back to taking it normally. It is very hard to imagine life without it. Everything you say is 100 percent true. A happy and fulfilling life can be led off of Adderall, people are doing it all over! I just have to be parient, and being an addict/alcoholic with ADHD, that is very difficult to do. :-) Acceptance is key--you are so right. I am in the admitting phase right now...I know everything I did, and that Adderall isn't good for me, but it isn't sitting well. Take care, and I hope we can chat more.

I am 45 days clean today and I am DYING. All I want to do is go back and use Adderall, but I am in a program and have a lot of roadblocks in place so I don't. I miss the feeling it gave me SO much. I hardly have any desire to do anything, even ride my horse, and I love him more than anything. I have ADHD, and am being prescribed Strattera right now...it's awful, and makes me ten times more depressed. I am worried I won't be able to get treated for my ADHD at all anymore, due to my abuse of Adderall. I am in so much fear, and absolutely miserable. I don't think I can take it much longer...I felt so much better when I was on Adderall. I would appreciate any help, I don't know anyone else that is addicted to this drug, most of the people in my program use opiates and drink.