SamJo
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Posts posted by SamJo
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And caffeine still sometimes gives me brain fog if I drink too much...
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I tried Wellbutrin but it gives me really bad anxiety and it’s too much for me...has that happened to anyone?
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1 hour ago, sleepystupid said:
lol, what's more likely: you have an extremely rare form of dementia with an onset 40 years too soon... or you're going through PAWS and have the exact same struggles that we've all had?
stay at it. as @Danquit said, 4 months is very early. its great that you're already having some good days- cherish them and it will help you ride out the bad days. then at some point, you will start having more good days than bad. that's all there is to it. (:
You’re right, I’m only 27 and a bit of a hypochondriac I suppose lol. I’m just waiting for that day I feel so clear headed and excited about life I’m just like okayyyy any day now!!
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@Danquit so do you think it’s normal to feel like you have the symptoms of dementia sometimes (not as much as it was the first month) because of PAWS? My doctor wants to test me for dementia and I’m like ahhhh what if it comes out positive but it’s just the PAWS. When I was 17 I had a terrible eating disorder that lead me to lose my period for 2 years and my microvilli in my intestines collapsed so I now have celiac and at the time was losing all my hair bc of the undiagnosed celiac but the dermatologist told me I had alopecia which it turned out I didn’t I just had celiac and had to stop eating gluten. I’m just afraid of doctors giving me a diagnosis that isn’t true and believing it. I studied nutrition in college because of this and now I’m an actor/writer hoping to create a magical story with all that I’ve been through with addiction such as weight and now going through this (among other things as a young woman) but I pray and want to believe I can accomplish these things and that my brain will come back alive so that I actually can do it. I struggle to find strength all the time, especially living in LA. Sorry went on a rampage...thanks for listening!!
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@Danquit I totally feel you. And that gives me hope that you feel back to normal! My brain is just still so scattered and I can’t think of certain words sometimes and I’m like how can this still be happening after 4 months not being on the drug? I feel like I have dementia or something
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How long have you been off of adderall @EricP
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@Danquit thank you! I’m just worried because reading about PAWS some websites say that ppl do never go back to normal bc of brain damage but I’ve only read that on one site and freaked myself out. I’m beginning month 4, yesterday I talked a lot and had a lot of opinions on things to say but today I feel like saying nothing and talking to no one and the only thing that helps is a glass of wine or a Xanax. I’m over thissssss.
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I hate the word fried ughhhh that makes me feel like it’s brain damage. I don’t want to think I fried my brain. I seriously think I’ll never be the same
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On 3/30/2017 at 9:32 AM, inneedofhelpBP said:
The scary truth of why we don't know the timeline/ damage it causes is because it hasn't been around long enough! We don't know what use/ abuse does to people 40 years down the road. I guarantee that 40 years from now, people are going to be like, "WHAT! People took that shit?! It was LEGAL?"
My experience in no particular order is:
Freezing cold
Purple, blotchy skin
93 lbs (scary, I'm 5'3"- my friends called me "Skeletor")
Heart problems- had a heart attack once- I was 21.
Vein pulsations
Panic attacks
Thinning hair
Thinning teeth
Psychosis/ paranoia- heard music, voices, sirens
Dizziness
Cravings for more, more, more
Involuntary neck/ head twitching
Confusion, inability to read or understand things
Inability to communicate normally- things that made sense in my head came out in pieces, robotic
Memory loss
I’ve experienced a lot of those symptoms as well. How long have you been off? Has your memory / confusion gotten better?
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@marybelle @bluelighthalo Hey! Did you guys ever get together? I’m in LA also and going through this fucking adderall withdrawal hell...would love some friends to get together with!
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18 hours ago, Greg said:
Right now your goal should be getting your brain to start producing dopamine on its own again. Molly messes with all the chemicals in your brain that are already out of whack from the adderall like your dopamine. Your brain chemicals need to recalibrate.
One of the things that used to help me resist cravings and all that was thinking about how disgusting it was how I was messing with all the Chemicals in my head. It was like I had been turning the Chrismas lights on and off and on and off in my brain which was so unnatural and appalling and the visual of it was gross. Thinking about that when I craved adderall or was feeling really really shitty from quitting really helped. A lot.
@Greg I just feel like I’m in a deep brain fog again and depressed :/ adderall doesn’t even work for me so I can’t take it again even if I wanted to. On Friday I was feeling good drinking and was like oh maybe adderall will work again one more time but it made me feel awful. Will my body just not tolerate it anymore? I procrastinate everything and have no motivation and I just feel so dumb and slowwwwww :/ I had a good acting class last week finally and just want to get back to my full self because your brain, body and spirit all have to be in unison or else performance really suffers. I also feel like my brain just hurts right now but maybe it’s recovering from the molly and drinking and weed and adderall. Blehhhh I want to be normal like everyone else around me. My boyfriend/soulmate of 2 years I feel like doesn’t want to be with me anymore. if I lose him idk what I’ll do :/
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22 hours ago, SeanW said:
Lol shoulda known better going to Coachella , I went to bonnaroo early in recovery "about 2 months" and ended up dropping a bunch of acid and shrooms and molly but still didn't fuck with adderall. I literally hate that shit now. I could still be tempted by the drugs I mentioned but I'm sick of adderall.
Is it cause adderall doesn’t work for you or just makes you feel like shit? I literally hate it too but was so tired and didn’t want to be boring during the festival. I literally just get all the bad effects from adderall/vyvanse and no euphoria. Did that happen to you?
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On 4/3/2018 at 6:48 AM, hyper_critical said:
At some point, Adderall stops working, and then you're basically fucked.
Hey @hyper_critical! What do you mean when adderall stops working you’re basically fucked? I feel like I took so much that it stopped working for me...what do u mean by fucked? Freaking me out a little lol
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Fuck fuck fuck. I relapsed on Friday. I decided to go to Coachella (a music festival) and thought I could just drink and have fun and not be tempted to take a stimulant but what do ya know I started drinking Friday and someone had adderall so I was like one won’t hurt then I took another and then I decided to take a molly. Now it’s Tuesday and I feel like all the progress I made is gone. I’m so mad at myself. I was just starting to do better and think that my brain wasn’t damaged now I’m right back where I was. I wish I could trust myself. Back to the beginning after 3 months....fuck
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Thank you for these words @Bobcostas281. I haven’t wanted to use since I abused so badly over New Years but I’m waiting more and more to get that feeling back and thinking maybe just maybe I’ll feel alive and clear minded again and have my passion and motivation just one more time. It’s hard to not say fuck it and just take one. But when I take it I just end up drinking to level myself out. I just miss the vibrancy. And I’m trying so hard to keep fighting. Being in the entertainment industry and going thru this is hard but I’m going to get funding for a documentary that shows what TRUE adderall addiction leads to and maybe that will fulfil the void in my soul right now. Maybe I’ll start a thread and see if people would like to be apart of it?
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Hey guys, I’m in Mexico for a few days and was wondering if anyone knew of good nootropics or medicine you can get here that’s hard to find in the US to help with the coming off of adderall/vyvanse? For major depression, anxiety, mental fog, fatigue, basically all the symptoms we all feel. Might be a long shot but figured I’d ask!
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@SeanW man I wish so badly I wanted to carry on and not die. I wanna be with God. Nothing seems worth while. What really is there to live for? At least when I was on adderall/vyvanse being alone didn’t feel as bad. I’m gone as a person.
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@SeanW ugh. Fuck. Idk if I even know what normal feels like. A year and only 30-50%? I wish I could give up
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On 4/16/2018 at 2:38 PM, SeanW said:
Yeah I felt just like that not having anything to say just completely blank but I'm doing better now at one year clean. You're not permanently fucked, my self and other people have taken absurd amounts of adderall and vyvanse along with other shit and have healed with time. The whole scattered brain dead thing really sucks you just have to do what you can and not be too hard on yourself and let time heal you.
Are you back to 100% or close do you think? This is giving me a lot of hope so thank you! Did any supplements help heal you faster?
6 hours ago, hyper_critical said:That "word salad" is brutal. It gets significantly better. Brain's just figuring out new neural pathways and occasionally misfires. I'm no neurologist but I think that's what's happening.
I joined Toastmasters about 18 months ago and it's really helped. .
I’ll have to look up what toastmasters is thank you! Do you still get word salad ever? It’s so hard forgiving myself for what I’ve done but I’m trying....I used to be so articulate and I’m hoping I can get back to that again as well. It’s embarassing when ppl tell you you’ve changed...
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1 hour ago, Subtracterall said:
“I haven't been able to think straight or clearly, I feel like i had no opinions or ideas of my own and that I was just going to lay as a vegetable forever.”
yes I felt this way in the early stages of quitting but it gets better. Slowly. Very very slowly it will get better. I still have times when I feel foggy but they are fewer as time goes on and mixed in with times when I feel sharp as a tack.
Stick with it. Congrats on three months.
Ugh thanks so much. Did you have confusion and sometimes slurring of words? It’s only occasionally but really scares me
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@sleepystupid thanks so much for talking to me, honestly. I am in an improv/scene study 2 year program and I want to quit everyday because getting onstage is honestly embarrassing. I used to be such a great actress now when I get on stage I don’t know if I’m going to be able to form the right words or understand the scene or relate or feel empathy. One time I even slurred some of my words and that day I convinced myself I had to have had a stroke at some point during my vyvanse use but I’m praying this is just paranoia and i didn’t actually have one. I just want to be the fun and lively person I once was, no one wants to be around me anymore and I don’t want to be around myself. Having shitty healthcare also sucks. I just want to cry my eyes out but I can’t get that emotion out right now. I feel so guilty for what I’ve done to myself. Props to everyone who has made it through this. At least I can hold on to the one good day I have and hope that the man I love won’t leave me because or this. He is my soulmate but it seems the longer this goes on the more he’s fading away from me. Anyways, any other suggestions on how to get through this would be great. I wish I could just sit and read a book but my mind is too scattered. Writing on here helps though
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@sleepystupid thanks so much! But ugh sometimes I’m so paranoid I had a stroke or something bc my thinking is so messed up and I feel like my personality is just gone and that my brain function will never fully come back. Am I just being paranoid? What if I actually do have brain damage? My doctor won’t believe me and won’t do any tests
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@SeanW thanks so much for responding! It’s nice to know I have support
did you deal with mental fog/fatigue/memory issues in the first few months as well? I feel like my brain works so slow and sometimes I forget simple things and some days I feel like I can’t even talk because I have nothing to say or my words are just going to be jibberish. Does this go away? The other day was a good one but this morning sucks. I want to act so bad and I can’t do it so I’m struggling to find anything to make me happy. Ugh this is a nightmare. I feel like if I wouldn’t have abused the vyvanse that one night and taken so many my brain wouldn’t be like this and it’s hard for me to think I didn’t fuck myself up permanently. Can anyone relate??
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I'm going to try and make this short and sweet but my words might get carried away. Basically I have been on and off this site for a whole year and i just found the strength and will to post and introduce myself. I quit vyvanse 3 months ago and let me tell you, its been the worst 3 months of my life, BUT, today when I woke up I finally felt hope and happiness and clear minded and I just FELT. I am so sad that this has what my life has become but I am working on forgiving myself everyday. I was on adderall/vyvanse for about 10 years, it mainly started because of my eating disorder when I was 17 but I began abusing it in college to study for exams and then after college I thought I would quit but I got a job and blah blah blah im sure you guys have heard this type of story a million times. ANYWAYS, the last 2 years I was abusing vyvanse very badly, I made a lot of big changes in my life and tried to mask the pain of situations I hadn't dealt with. I tried to quit all last year and I wouldn't take it for a few days but then I would go on a bender and take 5 or 6 30mg vyvanse in one night and drinking on it just to feel alive. I have heart issues because of my eating disorder when I was younger so abusing it this badly really takes a toll on my body. I'm an actor in LA and sometimes the vyvanse even helped me get to places I needed to go for my character but it wasn't healthy. One night I took so many vyvanse I was scared to go to sleep and ended up taking a bar of xanax and the next few days after that I felt so off and like my brain wasn't working that I told myself I would never take a vyvanse again. I honestly don't even crave it anymore because of how bad it fucked with my brain. I couldn't think straight for two days and then I just drank and smoked weed to hide from what was happening. I really thought I messed up my brain for good but after a month I realized i was just going through hardcore withdrawals. Its been three months now and I've gained almost 15 pounds, have done nothing but eat and lay in bed wanting to die. I even tried to slit my wrists so deep so I could bleed to death but my boyfriend came home and stopped me (he is to his breaking point with me). My thoughts are probley everywhere right now lol im trying to make this as short as possible but there are so many things to say. The main reason im posting is to say that TODAY, i felt ALMOST normal again. I haven't been able to feel feelings for three months, I've hated everyone and everything, i have been so depressed i just wanted to die so badly. I haven't been able to think straight or clearly, I feel like i had no opinions or ideas of my own and that I was just going to lay as a vegetable forever. I turned down every acting job because I can't act worth shit anymore and if i can't live my passion i don't want to be alive at all. But today I feel joy because its the first day i feel somewhat like myself, and that ill get through this, and that my life isn't over, and that I don't want to die. Okay my rant is over lol but I hope everyday keeps getting better because wanting to die is the scariest thing and I hope I never get back to that place and I hope I recover 100%. I don't want to hurt anymore people that love me.
Anyways, my name is Sam, I would love to talk to some of you on here about your journey and have people to connect with because feeling alone is the worst.
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Wellbutrin
in General Discussion
Posted
150mg twice a day. Ever since getting off vyvanse I have extreme anxiety and the only thing that helps is Xanax but I don’t want to depend on that. Wellbutrin makes me jittery and hot and I feel like my body just doesn’t want any type of stimulant or something