DrewK15

I didn’t have bloating issues. I experienced erratic breathing when I was high but that’s it. I still had some scary health issues though. I had a seizure for the first time in my life. Severe acid reflux and swollen tonsils (probably from drinking and vaping as well). Severe body aches and headache every single day. It was so bad. The health issues should all go away once you’ve been quit for a while.

I used for 4 years. Wanted to quit after year 1, so I guess it took me 3 years to successfully quit. I made 3-4 attempts before I put together any significant amount of continuous sobriety.

Hey @jpdhh I can relate to the vast majority of your story. I too started in my early 20’s, went from Vyvanse to Adderall IR, lost my personality, started drinking heavily, lost my job, went broke, moved back in with my folks, etc.. The entire experience is rock bottom brother, I’m glad you’re making the choice to quit now. It’s going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it will give you a new life that is so much better than the one you have now. Welcome to the forums, keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hey guys, I've been pondering some cool stuff that has been happening in my life and want to get some of it out on here. My whole life I've heard things like "the best things in life take time and hard work" and "chasing happiness breeds unhappiness", but I think I'm really just now getting it. Especially in the context of my Adderall addiction and other addictive behaviors. Even before Adderall, most of my life I had been looking for the next immediate hit of dopamine I could find. Video games, candy, porn, fast food, weed, gambling, alcohol, validation, and the ultimate dopamine solution, Adderall. My reward system was so messed up, I got to a point where winning at Call of Duty high on Adderall was more "satisfying" than graduating from college. How sad. Since I've quit Adderall I've been working on knocking off my vices one at a time. A month ago I made a commitment to quit emotional eating, and 2 weeks ago I quit porn. The result is I can honestly say I'm feeling some true joy. I've lost 10 pounds this month. Last week I had my first post-quit job interview and killed it. I'm talking to a beautiful girl who is into me. None of this would be possible without delayed gratification and the brutal challenges I've gone through the last 11 months. Even better, if I don't get the job or the girl I'm okay with that because I'm committed to doing the next right thing. Stay strong all. I've shared my struggles here and will continue to do so, it's such a blessing to now be able to share some victories too.

@Stirl87 I was introduced to Adderall by a friend at a party, just by chance. I was instantly hooked and felt like it “fixed” me. I’m a shy, sensitive type and always hated that about myself. Adderall instantly made me into the outgoing, more assertive person I always wanted to be. There’s more to my addiction, but that was the initial draw for me. A couple weeks later I picked up my first prescription from a psychiatrist. I used for 4 years before I got clean; as prescribed for 3 years and binge use for 1. Started when I was 22 and quit at 26.

It sounds like you are in a good place, keep it up! Concerta/Ritalin (methylphenidate) is a phenethylamine. Still a stimulant, and still highly relatable on this forum, but a little bit different than amphetamines.

Welcome to the forums @Stirl87, I’m glad you’ve found us. First of all, I think it’s doubtful you’ve endured permanent brain damage from the drug use you describe. Many of us have fully recovered from far more extreme usage patterns. At my absolute worst I was drunk and high on coke, Concerta, Adderall, and weed. All at the same time. I consider my mind to have returned to pre-Adderall functionality around 9 months sober. There is definitely hope for you. My vision changed as well. A simple visit to the eye doctor for an adjustment to my contact/glasses prescription fixed the problem for me. I’d try that if you haven’t already. If I had to guess, my hunch is you will be feeling better pretty soon. Maybe a couple more months. You sound like someone who doesn’t need stimulants, but loves how they feel. I was the same way. If you haven’t tried amphetamines (Adderall/Vyvanse) please don’t. You will probably love it and it might ruin your life. Commit to a drug free life now and save yourself the pain. It sounds like you have a lot to live for.

@Socially awkward this recovery is a chance to reinvent yourself a bit. New places, people, and things. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to quit your job or move, but working some things into your life that you do not associate with Dex is going to help so much. I totally feel you on the music and weed thing. It’s still my biggest trigger. I’ll be listening to a new song I like and find myself thinking “this song would really be awesome if I was high right now”. 10 1/2 months into sobriety I am starting to enjoy music again, although my taste has changed a bit. I think your appreciation for music could come back if you stay off the Dex long enough, it did for me.

@Kiki I do really want to check out yoga. Never have yet. I think being self conscious about working out in public and looking silly has stopped me in the past. I take myself a lot less seriously now (in a good way) so I suppose it’s time to give it a shot!

@sleepystupid @BK99 @William Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. You all are awesome! This community is a great place to turn when I’m feeling down. My spirits are much better today. I’m growing a lot by going through painful emotions without numbing myself.

I think I’m feeling lonely tonight so I thought I’d hop on here to say hi to you all and vent a little bit. Dealing with loneliness is somewhat of a new challenge for me in recovery. I never cared much that I was alone most of the time during my 4 years on Adderall. Now I definitely care, so I guess that’s progress? I have a lot of cool people in my life that I am thankful for, but no friends close to my age that are near where I live now. Most of my close friends are already married and moving into the next phase of life. I’m 27. Never been in a serious relationship. Probably a good thing I wasn’t during my Adderall years, but I feel a little old to just now be thinking about dating. I’ve been left behind and wish I could start over at 22. Oh well. Now I’m just self loathing. Things are okay with me, just hurting tonight and wanted to get it out somewhere. Have a good night guys.

@Socially awkward you do not come across as an angry, hateful person when you are posting on these forums. I don’t think you hate us. We may just be randoms on the internet, but that means you don’t hate everything and everyone. You seem to be really troubled about how you are treating those around you, that in and of itself is a sign of the good in you. I hope you stay quit this time, you can do it and it’ll be so worth it.

This thread is a good read. It gets me thinking about ridiculous things I did when I was on Adderall. For some reason car trouble would send me into meltdown mode when I was using. I remember one time my battery died in front of a convenience store while I was making my nightly beer and tobacco stop. My first thought was that god was punishing me for being a drug addict alcoholic by disabling my car. So I got out and threw away my newly purchased beer and tobacco thinking that would fix the problem. My car still wouldn’t start, so I moved on to a theory that my car was experiencing total electrical system failure. But being an Adderall fueled Superman genius, it was nothing I couldn’t fix. So I furiously flipped through the mechanical manual in my glovebox and then popped the hood. After unplugging and plugging back in every cord I could find under the hood for an hour, like I was trying to fix a computer or DirecTV receiver, I started really freaking out. I frantically called a family member who suggested my battery was dead. That made sense, so I called roadside assistance who gave me a jump. At this point I retrieved my “cursed” beer and tobacco from the trash can and drove away probably 2-3 hours after the ordeal began...with only one working headlight. Now I just start by calling roadside assistance. It’s nice to be clean and sober!

@William I relate to so much of what you describe. I struggled immensely in a leadership position while on Adderall. Mostly due to an inability to delegate effectively, and an inability to convey my overly complicated train of thought. Have you found yourself to be more effective work wise after Adderall once you had some sobriety under your belt? Just wondering.

@oswhid of course you have the right to hop on here to vent, share your experience, and express your opinion. When I was new to this site I read many of your old posts and got a lot out of them. I'm just struggling with some of what you wrote earlier today. It gave me a reflex to defend some of the newer members on this site, as this should be a safe space for them to share their feelings as well. You mentioned your rant had been building for a while, yet it was directed at people sharing on this site rather than your own experience. I can only imagine the pain of being married to one of us for 11 years of addiction, and I guess you can take that out on Frank and the rest of us if you want to, but why? Looking back I only really see love and support for you coming from members on this site. On another note, it's heartbreaking to read about the start of your husband's addiction. I'm sure you've heard it a million times by now, but your husband's addiction is not your fault. I hope someday you find a way to rid yourself of that burden.

Good thread folks! Been a little slow around here lately, this is a treat. @Frank B I’m sorry you are struggling brother, I can feel your pain and desperation in your post. I think the other posters on here have provided a lot to think about, but I wanted to add a few things. First, there are ways you can provide for your kids that aren’t financial. Spending time with them, letting them know you care, etc is so much more valuable than anything money can buy. Yes, being able to get them out of financial jams every once in a while is cool, but it isn’t everything. I speak as a young man who had a workaholic father who provided financially, but wasn’t around a whole lot in my teen years. Second, I truly believe happiness and fulfillment is an inside job. Nothing you do, things you buy, or drugs you take can fill the void. You have to decide what you have is enough, there will always be the next thing. It sounds like you have a lot of awesome things going on in your life! Also, it’s been a long and dreary Winter for many of us, that makes the depression so much worse. Remember Spring is coming, bringing with it sunshine and new growth! @oswhid some of your post came across to me as a release of bottled resentment. Recognizing the limits of your empathy is important. Just as I will never know what it’s like to be a woman, black, crippled, etc, you can’t know what it’s like to be an Adderall addict unless you are. Just a thought, obviously that doesn’t mean your voice isn’t important. I like a lot of what you had to say here, I’m just concerned others will not hear it because of the delivery.

I don’t see you any different brother. I’m sure I’d struggle to say no if it were in front of me, just out of curiosity. Stay strong these next couple weeks, I’m sure those old reward pathways will be trying to pull you down.

I had a rough day. No Adderall or alcohol relapse, but I smoked cigarettes for the first time in almost a year. Slipping back into any harmful addiction hurts. Even if only for a day. A couple weeks ago I was watching a TV show where smoking was glamorized, attractive people unwinding after a hard day over cigs and conversation. For whatever reason I was triggered. Suddenly a cigarette was going to be the solution to my stress, and I don’t even really like them. Fantasy of wonderful relapse is a lie. 3 cigs in and I’m done, the pack is in the trash. My throat hurts, I have a headache, I’m paranoid that I smell bad, I lied to someone, I feel shame (it’s crazy how much my conscience has returned). I’m glad I didn’t go back to Adderall this time. Once you’re in recovery the only way out of your pain is forward. It won’t be different next time. Lesson learned...again.

@LiberatedMind I’m going through something similar right now. I was on a pretty good streak and then I got hit hard by a wave of depression and cravings. (I’m at 9 1/2 months). Having thoughts about using just seems to happen sometimes, what you do with them is on you. Stay away from people and places that will tempt you while you are weak. Do some soul searching and figure out why you want to use right now. There is no dysfunction drug addiction won’t make worse.

@BK99 I know how you feel, the nostalgia is real and it hurts. It’s so easy to remember the euphoria and forget the pain. Keep up the good work, you’re doing great. @Socially awkward I’m excited that you have a good opportunity to quit coming up. You can do it! Stick around here and let us know how it’s going when you get started.

@sleepystupid he has another video on meth vs. Adderall that goes into more detail, it’s really interesting. I’ve done a lot of research into the topic out of curiosity. Although the high may be similar, route of administration, cost, dosage and effectiveness of re-dosage make meth so much more dangerous. Street meth dosages are huge and cheap. Imagine smoking (immediate onset high) 150-200mg of Adderall for $5 your first time, and being able to peak again and again with another $5 hit. I can see how that gets out of hand so quickly. I really feel for meth addicts knowing how hard it is to kick Adderall.

Hey guys. I think this video hits on some great points and wanted to share it with you all. The creator is an ex-meth addict with over 5 years of sobriety, if you like it he has others regarding Adderall that are great as well. Check it out. https://youtu.be/4b1WDNxj6_M

Hi @Onedayatatime, welcome to the forums. Quitting Adderall is difficult and uncomfortable regardless of taper, congrats on the progress you have made. Slowing down your taper might help you with discomfort, but at some point you’re going to face lethargy and depression. It’s a part of this recovery for most of us. Why are you quitting? Were you doing well at 30mg/day? Why is your doctor no help? If tapering, it is essential to have your psychiatrist on board with your wishes to get off of Adderall. It’s sad that the psychiatrist/patient relationship so often gets in the way of our recoveries.

I think a lot of this comes down to people feeling great pressure to fit into a cultural mold. We assign value to people based on their academic/professional achievement, production, etc.. Often the message is Type A (competitive, goal-oriented) = good, Type B (easygoing, creative) = bad. Adderall can turn a Type B into a Type A, thus the allure. This is a generalization as people are more complex than a 2 category system, but the concept holds true. Many of us end up far from our natural persona, or ‘true self’ trying to fit a mold that isn’t for us. Much of my recovery has felt like a letting go of who I thought I was supposed to be, and discovery of who I was meant to be. The traits that make up ‘ADD’ certainly exist, but I don’t agree with it being called a ‘disorder’ except in extreme cases. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and have the power to work on them. There are a lot of great posts on this site about managing life with ADD. Let me know if you need help finding them.

Hi all. Today marks 9 months of continuous sobriety from amphetamines and alcohol for me. I am blessed to have made it this far and reaching milestones feels great. Thank you all for your contributions to this site, it has been instrumental in my recovery. To those who are new or early on in recovery, I used for 4 years. Near the end of my addiction I would binge upwards of 100mg/day for a week at a time and drink probably 12 units of alcohol a day. It was dark. Physically I feel like I have made a full recovery. My energy levels are close to normal, bloodwork is normal, blood pressure/heart rate are good. I had headaches for probably the first 6 months that have gone away. I exercise 6 days/week and sleep well. Best of all I’m not hungover and/or in physical pain all of the time. Psychologically and emotionally I feel better, but I still have a long way to go. My mental clarity and cognitive abilities are back, but depression and anxiety are still a big factor in my life. I struggle with feeling like nothing really matters, generalized disinterest, hopelessness, and naturally, low motivation. I’m currently re-evaluating my career and working on re-entering the workforce and it’s tough. I’ve put a lot of effort into different things, but none of them seem interesting at all anymore. Starting at the bottom is really hard. Most importantly I now view Adderall as an escape rather than a solution, and it’s not a road I’m willing to take right now.