DrewK15

Relationships and breaking isolation. Being around people and enjoying their company, having long conversations again, and deeply laughing. Simply being restored to a state of sanity.

Hi All. I’ve been struggling the last few days. Too much self loathing and glamorizing the ‘good old days’ in my thoughts. I need to get it out there. Right now it feels impossible to accept I will never use Adderall again. I am okay with not using today, and probably tomorrow, and maybe for a year or two, but for some reason the thought that I will never use again crushes my spirit and I toss it aside. In a way I am living for a hope that someday the stars will align and I will be able to use again. In my head I know this isn’t true, but my heart doesn’t agree. I wish I could just let go. Anyone else go through this? Thoughts?

@nic123 I’m sorry you are having to go through this. What you describe does sound like drug/Adderall addiction. Unfortunately what you or any of us say doesn’t make much of a diffence until he thinks he’s an addict. As far as bipolar, that’s something for a psychiatrist to diagnose. Likely only after ruling out drug induced mood issues.

@Socially awkward Yes I was very irritable, angry, bitter, etc. Still am sometimes (road rage), but it gets better with time and work. You may have undone much of the work you did, but periods of abstinence are never a waste. You’re better off having not used for those 2 months. Hang in there.

Congrats on making it through your first 8 days! It sounds like you’re in the right place, there is so much in your story that many of us can relate to. When you feel like you’ve run out of strength (which does happen) reach out for help instead of Adderall. You can do this. Welcome.

@Socially awkward More social than when I quit? Absolutely. As social as I would like to be? No. But I’m slowly getting better. The last few months before I quit all I did was work, play video games, and drink, so any social interaction is an improvement for me. I have found healing by letting some of my family and old friends back into my life. Not everyone will be accepting of your struggle. Since I’ve gotten clean I’ve done things like a camping trip with friends, playing board games, and cooking thanksgiving dinner with my sisters. And I’m actually present instead of thinking about being somewhere or doing something else. As far as talking to and socializing with new people, I’m working on that. I still have a prominent fear of people. I think what’s most important is breaking isolation, even if it’s just calling an old friend for a few minutes. Progress not perfection!

I can relate to staying at work instead of socializing. I used to get myself all worked up thinking I was so virtuous for slaving away on meaningless spreadsheets, while everyone else went out and had a good time. Adderall made me more social and outgoing at first, but as I continued to take it I became more and more antisocial until I was completely isolated. Without Adderall I am socially anxious, but not socially awkward. I have a hard time putting myself out there, but when I do it never goes as poorly as I think it will. When I first started taking Adderall the social anxiety disappeared and I loved it. As I continued to use the anxiety came back, and my obsessions took the place of any real human interaction.

Dazzy, you are not alone in these feelings. When I took Adderall and drank I was some kind of charming genius on Tinder and in bars. In my experience it was much easier to attract women, but impossible to be in a real meaningful relationship. I didn’t know who I was or what I really wanted. I haven’t even tried to date since quitting. I feel too out of shape, stupid, old, and like a loser for living with my family again. The positives still outweigh my insecurities though. I can see how empty my old life was and hope for love someday instead of one infatuation after another.

Hey Kim. I have run into problems with metabolism/digestion/appetite as well since quitting. The combination of slowed metabolism and insatiable appetite can be so frustrating. A few things that have helped for me that you didn’t list above: drinking ALOT of water, coffee, limiting dairy and sugar in my diet. Cardio (cycling, running, etc.) has been huge. Start slow, even just a 15 minute jog can get things moving in my experience. All that said, you are still early on in the recovery process. I’d give it some more time, and if the issues persist contact a dietitian, physician, etc. to brainstorm solutions that DON’T include getting back on Adderall.

The first couple of times I visited this site I had only been using Adderall for a few weeks. Early on I was very pleased with the effects I was experiencing, but there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me "this is a bad idea". Naturally I set out to silence this voice, starting by gathering information on the internet. When I came across this website I found many stories and warnings that I didn't want to hear. I remember reading the disclaimer on the home page, and deciding that this website was not for me. Four years and a lot of pain later I know this website is and always was for me. In my experience it was very difficult to identify my life on Adderall was falling apart until things got really bad. Only now can I think back and identify the multitude of warning signs I ignored on my path to rock bottom. I hope my contributions here can help people who are on a similar path before things get so bad. For me the earliest sign of a problem was using Adderall as a substitute for sleep. My hunch is this is common among new users who will go on to have big problems with Adderall. What were some of the first warning signs you ignored on your journey with Adderall? How long had you been using when you first had thoughts about quitting?

Hey Sean I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying here. The “If I’m going to be dependent on drugs, they might as well be the ones I want to take” thinking is something about I’ve really struggled with too. As hard as it is, try to be logical about it. Think about consequences. There’s a difference between what we want and need. I refused mood stabilizers for my bipolar II for years because I didn’t want to be dependent on them, opting to get drunk and high instead. That doesn’t make much sense. Hang in there!

Hey Sean thanks for sharing. It may not feel like it right now, but your voice and experience does matter. I hope you’ll continue to share. Time to start a new streak and do something different this time!

Hi Hannah. The most straightforward thing you can do to prevent impulsive relapse is make sure you don’t have any immediate access to the drug. Recovery from this drug is a long process and there will be good and bad days. I think it’s an awesome sign for you that the first couple weeks went so smoothly. That being said, it’s important to understand there will be bad, depressing, boring days. That’s just a part of life, recovery or otherwise. A trick I’ve used in early recovery is to ask myself if I can make it to the end of the day without using. Usually the answer is yes, and usually I feel better in the morning. Support groups and forums like this are a great resource as well. Post on here when you feel like using instead of after you do. Don’t be discouraged, do something different this time.

Hi there and welcome. Weed and amphetamine is my drug combo of choice as well. I quit weed about a year ago and amphetamine about 7 months ago. In my experience the effects of each drug compliment and/or offset each other nicely with one big exception, the panic/anxiety/psychosis inducing components. I had an experience with panic while high as well that ended as a full blown seizure in a Target parking lot. Needless to say I didn’t want to go through that again and had a hard time enjoying weed for a while. I think maybe what you’re going through is your mind and body doing what it can to avoid the trauma of another full blown panic attack. As far as immediate withdrawal and PAWS, that’s something that can vary wildly from person to person. You should be through with physical withdrawal, but the psychological issues can persist for quite some time. Once you know what drug induced euphoria feels like, the real world can feel depressing by comparison. As time passes this feeling does fade if you don’t use again. Thinking about how long it will be until you feel ‘normal’ can be very overwhelming. In early recovery I’ve found it helpful to take things just a day at a time, some will be good and some will be bad and that’s okay.

Worries about long-term damage to your body make no sense as a justification to keep using, if anything it’s a reason to quit. I know because I did the same thing. As far as dosing, counting mgs can be deceiving. What sounds like a huge dose now, won’t at some point in the future of an active addiction. That’s how tolerance works. I took my therapeutic dose for a year before I started abusing, and within a few years I was taking 4-5x what I was prescribed daily. When I was concerned about dying there were many health factors. Amphetamines make me willing to harm my body in ways I otherwise do not. The last year I was drinking myself to sleep every night, consuming very high doses of nicotine and caffeine, and pretty much only eating junk food. All of that combined was causing my physical and mental health to deteriorate very quickly.

Hi there. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. The wardrobe of clothes not fitting, the depression and wanting to die, and stress of trying to hold down a job while quitting are all things I went through as well. If you keep on taking high doses to get through work and be productive, eventually your performance will suffer, regardless of how much you continue to take. It might be tomorrow or a few years from now, but the drug will stop working for you altogether. If you absolutely must work, stepping down your dose slowly is probably your only option. I had to go cold turkey to quit successfully. There was no way I could hold down employment. I lost my job, went to rehab, and moved in with my mom and step dad. It hasn’t been pretty or easy, but I am 7 months clean and improving.

My doctor gave me a couple Modafinil tablets to try as well. I took the first one this morning. I just have dry mouth and feel like someone taped my eyelids wide open. No significant mood or concentration altering effects. From the research I’ve done Modafinil seems to have have a wide variety of effects on people and isn’t very well understood. Not sure I’ll be taking it again.

As long as you are alive it’s never too late to stop. Many of us have waited until the brink of death to begin our recoveries, but that doesn’t have to be you. You do have a choice, regardless of what the drug is telling you. I encourage you to go through and read old posts of some of the more senior members on this site. Whenever I’m feeling tempted it helps me immensely to read about others who have recovered from where I am.

Thanks for the reply Sean. It really is crazy how similar so many of our stories are on here. That term ‘Adderall Dreams’ really resonates with me. Until the last few weeks before my quit I had so much optimism about a life that was going nowhere. Now I have to remind myself daily that I’m actually going somewhere even if it doesn’t feel like it at that given moment.

Hello All. I have been visiting these forums off and on over the last few years, but never posted myself. Reading about other people who have similar struggles has helped me through some tough times, so I want to add some of my story here in case it might help anyone who might find this. I started using Adderall when I was 22, just a few months out of college. At the time I wasn't in a great place emotionally; I was really depressed, discontent, and bored with what I perceived life to be after college. One Friday night, being bored with weed and alcohol I asked a friend to procure some Ecstasy, instead he showed up with some Adderall. My immediate reaction was that I really liked the way I felt, which very quickly turned into a 'realization' that ADD was and always had been what was 'wrong' with me. I messed around with Adderall XRs, IRs, and Vyvanse for a few weeks before taking my self diagnosis to a psychiatrist. Upon my presenting a litany of ADD symptoms, strategically admitting my illicit use and how much the drugs 'helped' me, I requested and was 'awarded' a 50mg/day script of Vyvanse. My first few months on Vyvanse were awesome. I worked in financial sales, and my production skyrocketed. I was making more money than I knew what do with, I enjoyed and seemed to be enjoyed more by my friends, lost some weight, girls seemed to like me way more, I was a way better golfer. The list goes on and on. What is less clear, is how quickly things turned on me for the worse. Over the course of my first year on Vyvanse I developed a severe obsession with sports gambling. Very quickly I became a guy who spent all day at work researching sports bets, and all night smoking weed and gambling in his closet, alone. About a year into my use I ended up in a tremendous amount of credit card debt from my gambling, quit my job, and moved in with some extended family out of state. I made my first attempt to quit, flushing my pills and swearing that I wouldn't go to a psychiatrist in my new home state. I made it 3 months or so before I had enough and visited a new psych to procure another script. 60mg/day Vyvanse. This time was very similar to the first time around. Things got better for a few months, and then they started to get worse. People around me liked my production at work and home, but started to confront me over my ever increasing weed/alcohol habits. Instead of quitting this time, I told my psych I wasn't getting enough out of the Vyvanse, and he added 15mg Adderall IR to my daily regimen. The Adderall became my 'fun' script by design. I would blow through it in a week or so every month, time my crash for a weekend, and keep my Vyvanse as a baseline. My attention was pulled further and further away from my actual job as my obsessions became more and more ridiculous. I was going to be a pro golfer, but for sure was not good enough. I was going to be a pro gamer, enough said. I was going to make a living flipping Pokemon cards, not sure how or why. The point is I transformed from reasonable and responsible to ridiculous and it's hard for me to even recall how it happened. This went on for a couple years until I once again quit about 7 months ago. It was terrible. I became severely suicidal, lost my job, and ended up in inpatient rehab for a month. Right now I am 191 days clean, unemployed, living with my mom and step-dad, focusing on my recovery. I am sleeping, eating, and exercising much better than I was. On Wednesday I begin the process of filing for bankruptcy. The mental health and financial cost of my past use is enough to keep me from going back at this point. At the same time its very difficult. I have no clue what interests me anymore. Anhedonia is awful and I feel deeply nihilistic at times. I can stay strong today, just in case those of you who say it gets better are right.