girl_surrendered

Hello, I have noticed a pattern — whenever I hit around the 2 week mark med-free, I suddenly evolve from hypersomnia into insomnia (without meds!). I have searched on here and found that several others have experienced this too. I am now realizing that this is one of my biggest triggers for going back onto my medication because although I can’t get myself to fall asleep, I’m sleep-deprived and feeling awful because of it. Therefore I find myself wanting to reach for my meds to 1- get through the day after barely any sleep or 2- take it for one day in the early morning and it seems to reboot my sleep cycle. But... this oftentimes leads me back to taking it regularly again. Interested to hear your experience and also anyone that know what the heck is going on in my brain when this happens. Is my dopamine finally starting to coming back naturally at 2 weeks? And trying to figure things out again taking some time to normalize? Any information appreciated. -Tired Insomniac

Writing this because I often feel like I'm making zero progress as I haven't given up my ADD meds entirely, but looking back from my original post I am realizing there's a lot of little changes and little wins that are important to realize. Also the work starts far before that last "day 1". So... Hey Self - Things I want to remind you of when you feel like you're making no progress... 1. AWARENESS - I have become way more aware of my "triggers" - the environments, time of day, certain tasks/responsibilities, situations where I feel I need to be 100% on, emotions and wanting to avoid / escape them. 2. URGE SURFING - I used to give in immediately to a strong urge. Now when an urge hits I have more capacity to sit with my discomfort and observe it. The time I am able to wait between an urge and fulfilling that urge has become longer and longer. And sometimes even long enough to avoid it completely. The craving does eventually pass if I wait it out long enough - and the pride and satisfaction I have each time I escape using it at all is a pretty amazing feeling and should be celebrated. I am trying to remember this when the cravings hit. 3. THINGS THAT FEEL IMPOSSIBLE TO DO UNMEDICATED ARE POSSIBLE - and won't feel torturous and impossible forever if I do it enough times unmedicated. I have learned how to do the hardest thing - going to work unmedicated. At first it felt like I was drowning and that everything was mentally grueling and zapped my brain of all energy. But after several medication breaks and stints of sobriety I am realizing I can do everything at my job without medicine, and it does get easier and less mentally exhausting the more I practice doing these things without a little pill. 4. I HAVE GOTTEN BETTER AT THE SHAME CYCLE ( still working on it though) - I originally thought that I could beat myself into submission - that if I punished myself enough for falling off track then I would do better. But it's just the opposite. The more I hate on myself for slipping up the more I use to try to escape that feeling. The more forgiveness I give myself when I've messed up, the quicker I move on and get back on track. This mean little voice is still there in my head sometimes and it still comes up but I am getting better at identifying it and replacing it with love. 5. JUST. KEEP. GOING. / SCREW PERFECTION This thing takes time. I can not rush it. Being a perfectionist only leads me to an "all or nothing mentality" and I'm learning to embrace slow patient growth. I have gotten up time and time again when I felt like giving up. THIS WORK is just as important (and necessary) as quitting for good is. Curious to know if anyone else notices these "small changes" adding up too?

Hey! Yes! I would be so interested. I DMed you about a different thread already, but DM me and I'd love to set something up.

Hey @Sleepyandsober, @LuLamb and @DelaneyJuliette, A community is something I am soo sooo interested in and think is so lacking for people struggling with ADD meds. This is something that has been on my mind for years now. I sent you all a private message because I would love to be included if a community develops, and I have a ton of resources outside of 12 step programs that originally helped me quit drinking but that I am now using on my quitting adderall journey too. Thanks again for posting @Sleepyandsober

What was the tipping point for you? What was it that changed or made the difference when you finally quit ADHD meds for real, for good. What finally made it stick?

@DrewK15 Congrats on 8 months! That's amazing. My first 6 months of sobriety from alcohol were just like that too. Then it gets so much better. But DAMN I hate that space in-between (but that's also where we grow the most I think). Thanks for sharing your experience.

Hey. I totally did this, but with drunk people when I stopped drinking. 2 Things I realized that might help- 1. I realized that whatever kept ruminating in my mind after being with these people, or whatever " thing" especially seemed to rub me the wrong way was usually a reflection of something within myself. For example, the girl drunk crying and fighting with her boyfriend was something I just couldn't let go of. And I realized it was because I still had a lot of shame and hate for my old drinking self as I would usually end up the drunk crying girlfriend at the end of the night. These can be the best clues to what we need to heal / forgive in ourself. 2. Theres something really incredible about being able to see both sides - that a substance is total shit and that it can destroy someone's life. But also the ability to understand why a person uses it, and why they don't want to stop. This is a perspective that not most people have unless they've been through it themselves. And I think that perspective is really helpful not only in your own healing, but will be helpful down the road with others who are struggling.

@DrewK15 Thank you. I think that's the best thing I need to hear right now - that it's worth it. Can I ask- How long did it take you to start feeling better (or like it was worth it) after you quit?

TLDR- I gave up alcohol 15 months ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Now I'm trying to adjust to the idea of giving up my Vyvanse. Something tells me life can be so much better off it. But I'm also terrified of a life without it. Hello, I don't really know where to start but to tell you that being here, writing this right now, feels like deja-vu. Deja-vu because about a year and a half ago I sat down to write an introduction after joining a private support group, and spilled my guts about a deep down secret that I hadn't told anyone about before - That alcohol was secretly destroying me, controlling me, killing me, while I kept my external world looking perfectly fine. And that I needed help and support to quit, but really didn't think I ever could actually quit- or that life would be worth it. Today I sit here 15 months sober from alcohol, knowing at my core that giving up drinking was the best decision I ever made- realizing how truly lucky I am - to have realized that I don't have to drink. And realizing how much I have grown and changed in the best way over the past year and a half. So today I find myself in a similar position. Sitting at my computer, once again, and finally telling someone that this substance is no longer serving me- its getting more and more uncomfortable. And the discomfort is all too familiar to that insidious feeling that started with alcohol. That it's slowly becoming more and more of something I depend on. Something I have come to believe I cannot function without. But at the same time, something that seems to be numbing me at a soul level, and empty inside. My deepest fear - that if I go off it I will never truly be happy, or productive, again. Because I don't know who I am without it - as a 25 year old that has taken these drugs since I was 17, I'm terrified of meeting my unmedicated self. Looking at those beliefs and fears, I realize they are the exact fears I had around giving up alcohol- that if i gave up the substance, I would also give up my life, my happiness, my control, my self. But in reality- everything that I thought this substance would give me, sobriety delivered in ways that were even better. So, I guess I'm here because there's a little glimmer of hope for freedom. I graduate from nursing school with my BSN in March, and promised myself I would finally ditch the pills after I graduated. But getting closer and closer to that day, I am realizing this is going to be a harder "break-up" than I thought. But maybe, just maybe life without vyvanse won't be absolutely miserable. Maybe, just like when I quit drinking, life will get so much better that I even expected. Not easier. Not perfect. Not even free of pain or discomfort. But real. And FREE. So, in a way I've been here before (when I broke up with booze). But also, in a way I have never been here before-I'm terrified and still adjusting to even the idea of life without my meds. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. If I've learned anything, it's that I'm not supposed to do this thing alone, and groups like this can be an incredible source of strength.