LuLamb

Today is Day 18. It’s going well. Overall, Adderall already seems like a long time ago. It’s very hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was in the throes of abuse. It’s as if that was someone else. It’s truly hard to believe that not only was I that addict just a few weeks ago, but nearly every day prior to then for nearly a decade. It barely computes. Within the abuse it seemed impossible to consider life without Adderall. I was so afraid to give it up. I was so afraid that the shit would hit the fan IF I quit. But the opposite was true. I didn’t realize until after I had quit that the shit-show was the way I was operating ON ADDERALL. For a few years I had been thinking about the idea that part of a definition of addiction is whether or not your life has become unmanageable. I would ask myself if my life was unmanageable or not. Let’s just say that NOW my life has become MUCH MUCH MORE MANAGEABLE. And it’s shocking because everything seems SO much simpler than Adderall made it out to be. My boyfriend has been off nicotine for a month today, but he is really struggling and suffering a lot lately. I’m so glad that Adderall is not as readily available as nicotine is. I’m so glad I broke-up with my source. People talk about the importance of knowing WHY you got onto Adderall in the first place...for me the simple answer is that I thought I needed it in order to handle the demands of life. I thought I was inadequately equipped for the game of life, and that in order to keep up with what I thought I SHOULD be doing or how I SHOULD show up, I began looking for something that would quiet my TRUTH, because I believed it was the wrong truth, and besides, I didn’t know how to say, “NO!” to myself or to others, and when I found Adderall it made me feel not only like I could go along and get along, but that I could WIN and be the best at SHOWING UP - I could be the BEST at DOING what the world said I should be doing. I’ve seen documentaries about rock stars who talk about the challenging demands of things like touring and performing and how one day someone gave them a little pill to help them cope and how great it was- how it was the answer to their dilemma- until it wasn’t. Only in hindsight is it obvious that the only real antidote to this dilemma is to learn to say, “No. This doesn’t work for me. I’m tired and I need to rest and how that is for everybody else is out of my hands.”

Today is Day 12 and I have a new motto: More Balls, Less Bullshit. I am noticing that I am thinking more clearly, even though my brain is still mushy. I think I’m realizing the false sense of confidence I had on Adderall and while I don’t *feel* particularly confident now, I am having more clarity about what the right thing to do is and am better able to be proactive about it.

Thank you so much for this. It is quite challenging at times and I was reminded today when I looked back in my DayTimer that when I quit back in May I was too sick on Day 10 to go to work and I had to cancel all of my clients for the day. So even tho Day 10 this go-‘round was one of the more difficult day thus far, it was nowhere near as bad as May 18th was.

I appreciate this. Its always been a slippery slope, why would it be any different now? (SIGH)... Today was Day 11. I didn’t see clients and i didn’t feel as bad as yesterday and I had a very good day in a quiet sort of way. I didn’t consider taking Adderall. It just was a thing I used to do...and I did t take my nonplussed less-than-optimal state personally. I just accepted it and went about living my life...no big deal. ;-)

Thank you. Always good to know I'm not alone. It's curious what is doable and what isn't. Surprisingly, my sessions with clients have been going well, and thankfully, I'm really really carefully considering how many peeps I schedule for myself in a day and week right now, so I don't over-do it. It's also curious how my body feels good - for example, I walked to work and back for lunch and I was running most of the way because I just wanted to and it was great. It's like the body is doing well, but the brain and eyes are gloppy and fuzzy. The other thing I'm finding helpful is that if I can make it to around 3:00, I know I won't use no matter how ka-ka-poo-ey I'm feeling.

Correction: I don’t WANT to take some of the Adderall I found, but I do FEEL like taking some.

Today is Day 10 and I couldn’t sleep last night. I just want to sleep -my eyelids are so heavy. But I have clients to see so I also want to take a skosh of one of the 20mg pills I had found stashed last week. My brain feels like mushy-mush...the weather is absolutely gorgeous and my boyfriend is being super supportive and he’s doing really well in his recovery from nicotine.

Today is Day 9. My dog is back and I go back to work this morning. It'll be fine. Feeling super sluggish in the mornings. No amount of caffeine can touch it. In the afternoons and evenings I've been feeling pretty good. Yesterday I found myself making alot of "deals" with myself about using. "I am never going to get another Adderall prescription, but I do have those two 20mgs and I will save those for a special occasion and enjoy them. And after those two are gone, I can always get a few just to have on-hand if I like..." I am ok with these deals...because at the same time, I am finding myself definitely wanting to face/experience my life and various things Adderall-free. Yesterday I was going to meet a girlfriend for hot yoga. And I was anxious about how that would go, but I also knew I wanted to experience it Adderall-free. I realized, to my surprise, that exercising on Adderall was not so great. It scared me because my heart rate would get so high. And in the past week, I've been enjoying exercising without Adderall. I also had a coaching session last night - my 8th session, and it was the first time I had done it stone-cold sober. And it was the best session yet. These feel like important milestones on the recovery road. My four days off without my pup were really nice. I ended up doing alot more than laying on my couch. Mind you, I got alot of couch-time in, but I also got out and had alot of fun. Went for a nice long hike with my boyfriend Sunday and really enjoyed it, for example. I really isolated alot more than I realized when I was on Adderall. Many things that now do not feel IMPORTANT felt URGENT.

Arrrgggghhhh!!!! It’s not that I want to use right now, it’s just that I feel inadequate and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I’m going to a birthday party with my boyfriend at a bar for some friends of his I’ve never met. I tried on about ten different things and I just feel icky and hot and I want to go but I want to feel comfortable and I feel all kinds of not comfortable...I’m committed to not changing any more times and I’m committed to not using. I am going to drink, but I don’t have any alcohol at home so I’ll have to wait til I get to the bar, which is a god-awful like hour’s drive away in freaking traffic...I already feel “FAT” after only six days of actually eating again. I know that feeling “FAT” is not about my weight but more about feeling somehow not good enough. Here goes nothing -Wish me luck!

Yes! Thank you! I see your point! The years on Adderall flew by and I cannot get them back ever. Wants vs Feelings: I do not want to be 6 days clean a year from now. I want to be a year and 6 days clean a year from now!!! I want to know me without and beyond Adderall. Even 6 days in I’m getting glimpses of the possibilities for having a real life of my own design. I’ve been feeling for years like I’m stuck and don’t know what I want and the reality is that that was because of Adderall - it’s been the elephant in the living room for SO LONG!!! To go back would be such a betrayal of ME!!!! I need to find more and more things that matter more to me than the false belief that Adderall matters at all EVER.

One of the things I’m finding very motivating is that going back to Adderall would mean I’d use for awhile only to realize yet again how shitty life on Adderall actually is and hating myself for getting back on it and then having to go through the deliberations and agony of knowing I needed to quit but being tricked by the Adderall to stay on it and then eventually deciding to quit again and then having to go through all of this detoxing and withdrawing all over again. NO THANKS!!!!!

Today is Day 6. Slept well. Feeling kinna dense and cotton-headed and have a little bit of a headache, but relatively fine overall. I haven’t been missing or craving Adderall. Haven’t felt tempted to use. Really enjoying the peace and quiet and beautiful weather and having the doors and windows open. The smartest decision was to have these days off at home without my dog. If he were here he’d be yapping up a storm at every sound outside and although walking him would be good for me, right now it is better for me to take walks alone when I want to. Yesterday I walked to Jamba Juice and got a smoothie and then to Kohl’s to get some new walking shoes. It was so nice to just take my time and take care of me without having any obligations other than that. Despite being sick with withdrawals, my body felt good. On Adderall my muscles and nerves were always tight and I would stiffen up really quickly after doing any exercise. I actually felt like I had more endurance yesterday and was more in-tune with my body. I need to get out and exercise some today. I feel like my headache now is from getting too much sleep in the last 24-hours! That hasn’t happened in years.

Congratulations on 12 days!!!! That’s amazing! I’m only on Day 5-Major withdrawals started last night. For better or worse, it made me decide to cancel my long weekend plans of flying to LA. So I have four days off and a new plan: me and my couch, lol. My dog will be gone til Monday, so I don’t even need to deal with his care for a few days. Phew.

That’s great! I’m so glad he is there to help and support you!!

Day 5. I have read that withdrawals tend to peak around Day 5. I was up all night with a headache that started when I first went to bed and got worse throughout the night. Could not sleep. I was cold then hot then cold then hot. Could not get comfortable. Vomiting at 5am. Finally fell asleep for a little while after that, only to have to get up so I could get ready to go to the airport for my flight to LA. Sitting on my couch imagining my trip I decided I needed to cancel the trip and take advantage of the fact that I have four days off and I could just stay right here on my couch resting and recovering. Realized I did not HAVE to rally and pack, shower, hurry to the airport, wait for my flight, sit on a cramped plane for three hours potentially feeling trapped and sick, ride for an hour and a half in LA traffic getting carsick from the way my friend drives, lol, try to put on a happy face as a guest at my friend’s house for three days, etc. etc. It might have been good and fun and these symptoms might ease up in an hour, but it seems like a stupid gamble right now. When I told my boyfriend that I canceled my trip he said, “What?! Are you gonna be ok with nothing to do for four days and no Adderall?!” Which really annoyed me. He just quit vaping and keeping busy is imperative to him and he admitted he was projecting. My friend in LA was totally cool with it. Phew! I was cool with however he took it because I knew I couldn’t control that. So...here I am on my couch with four days off and no Adderall and no plans other than to rest and take good care of myself. I think I made the right decision. It sucks to feel like Ka-Ka, but one’s OWN couch is usually about the best place to be if that’s the case. And! I didn’t lose a dime on the flight as I was able to cancel it and get a full credit that’s good for a year because I was flying Southwest! Yay!

Yes I think I read your story Tuesday morning at 3 am this week, lol!! Whatever works!!! Everything about quitting this time feels stronger and clearer. Not sure if that matters or what to do with other than keep on keeping on with what I want which is to be FREE of Adderall...

It’s a very good (and mind I say LOGICAL point) and I needed that-thanks!!!!

Today is Day 4 for me. It’s still going well and the beautiful weather here is really helping. I was feeling really sluggish this morning, and really wanted to cancel my clients and go back to bed, but once I was at my office and seeing clients, I felt better and it helped. I does make me anxious to be so hungry and to see myself eating so much more than I was, but I’m not really worried about it. I’m going out of town tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to it now. I’ll bring all of my supplements and the two Addys I found yesterday and I feel fine about that. I have not yet been tempted to take them. Maybe I’m playing with fire or kidding myself by keeping them around. I’m going to need to make some changes to my business - I don’t want to keep scheduling so many clients whether I’m in withdrawals or completely recovered this is bullshit what me on Adderall has done and the expectations it has placed on me work-wise.

It IS terrifying. You need all the help and support you can get. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Use this site for all its worth. It will help. I just quit on Monday and so far it’s going better than I thought it would and I’ve worked every day this week. I did what I could to lighten my schedule, but it also helped me I think that I needed to get up and go to work and see people. Your life and your kids’ lives without the pills WILL get better and better. You can do it. Don’t quit trying to quit. You’re worth it. I knew I had to go cold turkey because every time I tried to taper I just ended up running my script out early anyway...try not to beat yourself up. You will survive without them.

NurseAddy how are you doing today?

Your story of getting an Rx and not enjoying the Adderall and throwing the rest away is amazing to hear. That must've really been powerful and liberating for you!!! I have only relatively recently learned that I have a habit of confusing feelings with actual wants and needs; and with true logic and reason. Even the last time I relapsed, I didn't realize at the time that I was acting on my feelings. I felt like using so I did. I am at least better equipped now to discern that there are many times throughout the day when I FEEL like using, either because I am feeling good and I feel like the Addy would really enhance that - OR- because I feel like shit and I feel like the Addy would remedy that. But now I better understand that that's a real experience I am having, but that it is not VALID and is not actually what I want to DO and it won't take me in the direction I actually want to go. For me, that's a big part of the rub. And it's taken me 50+ years to appreciate how that has impacted my decision-making and the consequences that have resulted as a side-effect. I recently read something that said, "a memory without the emotional charge is called wisdom". That really struck me. So, for me, this is one of the ways that I think my current age is helping me. But, hell, I'm such a newbie right now, i could be full of shit!!! I'm sure I am in for some unwelcome surprises in the days to come. But, I know I need to keep remembering to focus on wants and needs despite my fluctuating and strong feelings.

I’ve also been sneezing and coughing and having a ton of phlegm. Anyone experience that?? I figure it’s just part of the body’s process of detoxing...?

Today is Day 3 and it’s going well. Yesterday I was shocked to accidentally discover two 20mg pills tucked between the top of my desk and its glass top. I am still surprised that I wasn’t even looking for them and that I didn’t eagerly pop either of them into my mouth. I didn’t throw them away either! I set them aside and at the time figured they might come in handy at some point. Whatever that means. I guess I thought I’d take them with me when I go to LA this weekend to visit my friend and if the withdrawals got too bad I could take a little to take the edge off. Now I am less worried about needing them and more confident that I’ll be able to muddle through without them. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel terrible either. I feel softer/smoother rather than the fried edgy feeling I always had while using. I feel sleepy and fuzzy and foggy and kinna achey, but also more relaxed and more awake to my “real” life. I’ve been aware the past 12 hours of how much Adderall changed the way I oriented to my life and people I care about. I’m grateful to already care more about both. It’s actually nice to have an appetite again. Last night I ordered a large sushi sampler and devoured every last bit in one sitting. That hasn’t happened in years and it was delicious. I’m taking a ton of supplements recommended by people on this site. Not sure yet what’s helping or not, but hey-if porcine brains have helped someone here, I’m game to try it, lol!

Congratulations for also cutting off your supplier! It’s a huge step.

That's fabulous! Congratulations!!!! You can do this!!!