LuLamb

I've been using a few different supplements from the "GENIUS" brand line...GENIUS SLEEP; GENIUS JOY; GENIUS MUSHROOMS; as well as GABA and DOPA. I swithc-up the GENIUS SLEEP with CALM for SLEEP....also, I recently read that Melatonin is more effective if you split the dosage in half and take the second half in the middle of the night if you wake up --I wake up like clockwork at 3:15 every night and so this tip has been helpful for me.

Today is Day 98. I’ve very much been reminded the past few days of how I was doing in the time leading up to starting on Adderall and why i got so hooked on it. I was really struggling with feelings of depression and meaninglessness before I found Adderall even though so many things were going great on paper. I was engaged; I was starting my private practice; I was more fit and healthy than ever before.. In the past few days I have felt like I have returned to my pre-Adderall self. It reminds me of how they say that an addict’s development stops at the point at which they start using, and so when they stop they ultimately have to begin growing from the pre-using point. I’ve been clean for 98 days, but this is the first time I’ve felt this way. This now feels like the REAL work and I did not anticipate it. And it’s very scary.

Congratulations on Day 4! What are your goals for today? What can you control?

I totally understand. You might find it helpful to have to see clients. It has been helpful for me to go the office and see clients. I may not feel like it some of the time, but I’m better for it after I’ve focused all of my attention on other people and their issues for a few hours. It eases my burden, makes it feel more manageable...

Why not clear your schedule some? What's the worst that could happen? My clients have always been incredibly understanding when I have had to cancel. Your recovery needs to be more important than whatever your clients are going through.

Ask those people who know you've quit for what you need that will help you stay clean. Risk feeling that your life will fall apart if you do what YOU need to do to stay clean. Just for today. Adderall leads us to believe so many falsehoods regarding what is important, necessary. I think our best selves can ultimately emerge from a kind of "giving up"...

What's IMPORTANT to YOU? Maybe the only important thing for today is staying off Adderall. Whatever helps you do that...lots of things may FEEL URGENT, but rationally, you probably know that's not true. But it's ok and makes sense that you feel that way. Say NO to everything you possibly can unless or until you can choose to say YES only to what is important to you and your recovery.

You are definitely not alone, DelaneyJ!!!! And it makes perfect sense that you feel overwhelmed. If you want to cry, then definitely cry. Let it out!!! If your only goal is to get through today or this one hour without Adderall, that's huge. Expectations are a great recipe for disappointment, but if we can at least realize what our expectations ARE, they can help us set goals that we have some control over. You are doing this. You are in the middle of Day 3!!! Just keep swimming. We are all rooting for you. Who in your life knows that you have quit?

Good for you!!! Today is Day 59. Curiously, for the first time ever, I find myself seeing a new client who is in recovery from Adderall. He has 6 months of abstinence. I found it refreshing and inspiring. It did get my jonesing a little bit talking so much about it, but that's no surprise. Ironically, my next client after him has been taking Adderall for a little while. She came in and I could see her bottle of it in her open purse. She had to run back out to her car for a minute and left her purse sitting open on my couch. For a split-second, I imagined grabbing the bottle and stealing one of the pills. I imagined her counting them later; realizing one was missing, and wondering if I was the culprit. I chose not to act on this and in the next second I was past it and she was back and we held our session. Adderall is everywhere. If I really want to use, I can. I'm really enjoying the my new vegan diet. I feel much better. I bought a vegan cookbook and have enjoyed trying out some of the recipes. Typically, I have not wanted want to deal with food unless or until I'm starving and then am just shoving whatever into my face. It's been challenging in a good way, to do some planning. And ultimately, very rewarding to be taking care of my body in a nice way that's also delicious. Yesterday I was particularly struck by how much empathy and compassion I was having for my clients. And it was a good feeling. It felt like I was more present and more connected both to myself and my clients. This is definitely PROGRESS!!!

Hi DelaneyJ-Good for you! I’ll be thinking about you and sending good mojo your way. You can do this!!!

Glad I’m not the only one, lol! Today is Day 54. I’m pretty fried-I woke up around 4am and decided to get up and start working. I tend to get a lot done when I do that, but I regret it now as I also had a full day of clients and plans with friends tonight. I cancelled my plans with my friends and am just going to grab a bite with my boyfriend and crash early. That sorta sounds reasonable and like good self-care, but I’m struggling. Feeling a lot of inadequacy today. I’ve been realizing that I’ve had many masks and decoys to keep my insecurities at bay over the years, and now I feel pretty vulnerable and unworthy. It’s actually quite difficult for me to share myself with people (in person!). I’m afraid to be “a drag”...

Hi Sleepy-I don’t think it so much matters that you relapsed as it does that you’re clean now and learned some important things from your time using. I’m glad you’re here. Try to be kind to yourself.

Yeah. It’s so disturbing when it all turns on you. So it becomes time to move on or...let go or be dragged...

Good for you!!!!! And I bet you’ll totally be able to use that “overboard” energy in service of your abstinence! I’m rooting for you!!!

DAY 53. I'm so grateful when I remember to resource this site. I have a tendency lately to forget that I am in recovery...a tendency instead to get into this head/heart space of, "What's WRONG with me???" and when I can remember, "OH RIGHT!! DUHHHH - I recently quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey!!!" I am better able to be kinder and gentler with myself and set some reasonable goals for my day. I watched the documentary GAMECHANGERS the other night and it really inspired me to go vegan again. My diet got really bad on Adderall and so much of what they said resonated with me with regards to how a vegan diet allows the body to recover so much more quickly. So this morning, rather than pounding super strong cups of coffee with tons of cream, I am drinking green tea. There's also a nagging little inner dialog I am having about asking my neighbor if he can spare some Adderall...he is a total slave to it and he drives me nuts and is a good mirror for me of how I probably was on Adderall and why I want to stay off of Adderall, but sometimes it is tempting to imagine asking him for a skosh. But, I'll just keep plodding along doing what actually needs to be done with the time, energy, and resources I currently have. SIGH

What I am finding challenging these days is being kind to myself on days (like today) when I feel unmotivated and sluggish. It helped to re-read my own posts and et al. and to be reminded of some of the good words of wisdoms up in here and the progress I’ve made. I’ve been thinking about a line from the movie, WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN with Meg Ryan. She is an alcoholic in recovery. She is sitting in a room in the dark and her husband comes in and turns on the light and asks why she’s having a bad day. He says, “What-are you feeling like drinking or something?” And she replies, “Well, THAT wouldn’t distinguish it from any other day...” There’s a ZEAL that accompanied the early days of abstinence...that eludes me today - Day 49. I’ll be fine. I can hang, lol.

He says he is a lot more comfortable being around me without Adderall. That on Adderall I regularly seemed aggressive.

My boyfriend tells me I am kinder, gentler, and seem MORE FOCUSED off of Adderall.

It’s ok to be scared to stop. Who wouldn’t be? It helped me to know that my Adderall use really couldn’t go on forever-and that at the same time I hated the thought of another year flying by with me still enslaved to that shit. If nothing changes, nothing changes...tapering never worked for me. It did help me get glimpses of why I wanted to quit, but taking Adderall at all ultimately just made me feel like I needed more Adderall, so I’d start taking a little more and then eventually I was right back in the same boat. I think it helps to have people who can tell you what they don’t like about being around you when you’re on Adderall and who can reflect to you how you’re better company when you’re not on it.

Hi Delaney, Tomorrow is Day 50 for me. I hope you find a “way” to quit. A lot of interesting things have happened in my practice since quitting. Nearly all for the better. Basically, I rarely feel overwhelmed and highly agitated and the perception of having more time is almost always a good thing. Sleeping well is a godsend.

Today is Day 45. It’s going ok. Sometimes I feel quite lost.

How are you now???

Today is Day 30. I feel kinna settled into my new life without Adderall. I really hope my brain function improves and that I experience some benefit as my dopamine and neurotransmitter functions recover. The hardest part these days is feeling like I could close my eyes and fall asleep any time. Not that I would actually sleep or feel rested if I did, though! My eyes just feel so heavy and sleepy a lot of the time. I miss the rush of feeling my whole body and mind stimulated by the drugs kicking in. But beyond that, I don’t miss much. Mostly I feel sad and angry for the way I was on Adderall and for how it betrayed me...I reread the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist yesterday. I can’t believe that was only 30 days ago.

Last week I took some of those 40mg I had found. And I did t like it so I threw the rest away. I felt really sad and angry. I was shocked by the effect they had on me: I felt anxious and irritated; rushed and impatient; all these aches and pains came on-like I got physically exhausted; I was afraid to be around people; I wanted to calm down but couldn’t. It was awful. I felt betrayed and duped. How did I come to imbue that shit with so much power? It was all an illusion. The good news is that now I have even more clarity about why I’ve quit. When I’m feeling “MEH”, I at least know that Adderall really wouldn’t help...

It’s ok to be tired and to rest. It’s ok to say NO. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to define success on your own terms. It’s ok to not be the smartest guy in the room. It’s ok to compete only with yourself. It’s ok to be an introvert in an extroverted world. It’s ok to love, accept, nourish, and care for the only wonderful, beautiful self you will ever have exactly as it is! HARUMPH!!!