LuLamb

Ambivalence is such an appropriate TOPIC. And it’s definitely where I’m at right now. I slipped-up and asked my neighbor for a few pills. I felt so crappy on Sunday and Monday that I just caved to the idea that a small amount of Adderall - a little limited supply - was necessary. I would argue that my recovery over the past six months since I cut off my psychiatrist has been quite messy. I am seeing now that there is quite a degree to which I am not fully facing the music in that in addition to this being the third time I’ve gotten a few pills from my neighbor, I’ve been going around and around in circles trying to find supplements, OTC meds, teas, whatever, to feel better- to avoid dealing with ME without Adderall. Last week I got a few good runs in, but I jacked up my back as a result, so couldn’t do more runs. I’m so all-or-nothing. So, the past couple of days, I’ve taken a small amount of Adderall. And now I’m in a real state of ambivalence. And I feel like a liar. Or at least like I’m being dishonest. I know my boyfriend could tell yesterday that I had used. And I am shocked that I acted like nothing was “going on”. It was such a relief to feel energized and motivated and upbeat yesterday. It was like feeling “NORMAL”!!! I need to re-read my posts on here over the past six months. Lately I’d really been feeling like or I guess, FEARING that I’ll never really recover or feel good again. Life on Adderall is not sustainable, and life in recovery from it is ROUGH and rather joyless. I’d been trying really hard to fight the good fight. I believe that from here I have no alternative but to take a new approach to my recovery: one that is more pure and basic. No more dicking around with so many supplements and teas and caffeine and special diets, etc. And! I need to find a way to cut off my current source (my neighbor) But, I still have a few pills. And so I’m feeling terribly ambivalent.

Well said!!!

That was amazing!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!!!

Awwww, thanks!!!

I'm so glad you are here and that you finally found the right people to help you back in December. It's so infuriating and heart-breaking to read your story. It really is beyond comprehension to me how oblivious so many doctors still are about the fact that Adderall is speed-plain and simple, and that it is destroying lives left and right. I don't get it. I'm glad that you are your wife are working together in your recovery. This site has been a godsend for me, and I hope you'll take full advantage of it. We all need to hear your story. How did you fare after getting out of the hospital? How long were you there? What all have you been doing to get through these months without Adderall? How were your detox/withdrawal? Looking forward to hearing more from you.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! It really helps me to take it a day at a time; an hour at a time; 15-minutes at a time...

I did it!! PHEW!!! Managed to go for a 3-mile run. HALLELUJAH!!!

I don’t think I would have managed to quit/stay quit if I continued to have access to Adderall. Cutting off my supplier was a necessity for me. And that is an ongoing process - continuing to cut myself off from access to stimulants since most addicts know who they know that is on it and that equals “access”...for me right now, that is my neighbor. He is both a reminder of why I quit because he’s really in the throes of The diminishing returns in his Adderall addiction, As well as a reminder that I could always ask him if he could spare a little - ARGH. Anyway, addiction is addiction, it’s not a character defect, it’s not a moral issue. There’s nothing *wrong* with YOU. You’re an amazing, strong, determined mother, professional, etc., whose brain got addicted, and you, of course, never tried for that to happen. None of us did. It’s a total bait-and-switch. We got hooked while trying to better our lives. Don’t give up. You’ll figure it out.

I can relate and understand everything you’re saying. Hang in there. I’m thinking of you. Are you still seeing clients (what with COVID-19 going on)?

The past few days have been more challenging. I think the novelty of working from home and sheltering in place is waning. Yesterday I was Feeling really “blah” and my thoughts began going to how much a little Adderall would help. I need to give some structure To this new situation - mainly, I need to up the ante on the amount of exercise I’m getting. I stopped smoking pot a few weeks ago, and have been very pleasantly surprised at what a non-issue that turned out to be. But before COVID-19 *hit* I had gotten really into my OrangeTheory workouts and once they closed, I managed to do some jogging/walking/biking, but now it’s Friday and I haven’t worked out all week and am feeling incredibly sluggish. It’s great to be having so much more time for sleep, but today I feel the dull ache of too much sleep, not enough exercise. If I can manage to get myself up and out for a good run today, everything else will be gravy. All this said, overall I am really enjoying the quiet, slowed pace of sheltering in place, and, despite the pandemic, I don’t want it to end.

Hi Guys-I’m very curious to know how others are faring with social distancing and sheltering in place? I’m doing well overall...where I am we are under shelter-in-place orders and I’m able to work from home. I’m very introverted and the orders feel like a big break from the normal everyday pressures...it’s been nice to have to stay home and do so much less. It makes it easy to feel like I am a contributing member of society, and don’t often feel that way!. I hope you all are well and safe.

Thank you - I see your point.

Thanks! Logically-speaking, I know you're right.

Now that I'm focusing more on the biochemistry of my addiction-damaged brain and not my "moral failings" (after watching NOVA: Addiction), I'm wondering how different things help or hurt my healing brain. For example, I've had a few "slip-ups" with Adderall over the past five months since I quit. I'm guessing these don't RUIN the progress my brain has made, but wondering, what - exactly, the affect might be. Also wondering about things like "TOTAL ABSTINENCE" (like from everything: I still smoke, use marijuana, drink some alcohol, caffeine, occasionally take cold/allergy meds that contain pseudoephedrine, and have tried Kratom) vs just abstinence from Adderall. Sometimes I feel like I SHOULD abstain from EVERYTHING, but most of the time I feel like it's all i can do to get by without Adderall and tell myself I'll worry about the other substances in due time...

Yesterday I pulled up the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist back in October. To my surprise, it had been exactly five months since i wrote it (October 14th-March 14th)! I seem to have entered a whole new phase in my recovery. Watching the NOVA documentary: Addiction Friday night, was incredibly informative and validating. But now I'm really struggling. It's like the personal shame I had been feeling around getting addicted to Adderall has been replaced with a new kind of shame: something really IS wrong with me: my brain is F****D and while that's not my "fault", it finds me feeling sorta B**CH-SLAPPED into a new reality. Maybe after 14+ months, if I am lucky, my brain will return to some semblance of its pre-adderall state, but when I think back to how I was doing before I got on Adderall, I think, "OMG I DON'T WANT THAT BRAIN!!!"

OMG! I watched the NOVA:Addiction doc last night and it was amazing and so helpful on all levels. I didn’t even realize how much I viewed becoming addicted as a moral failing on my part. This doc makes me feel more empowered to work with my addicted brain in a more compassionate way. It really took the edge off the shame and put so much more into perspective.

It's a good point. It also makes me realize how much I still SHAME myself for having gotten hooked; for having gotten strung-out; for having to go through detox, withdrawal, recovery...for how it soiled my life in so many ways....

One of my closest friend relatively recently got on Concerta. How she acts on it is noticeably different than how she was without it (more assertive, more talkative), but she seems to take it as prescribed (and sometimes forgets her PM dosage, and doesn't take it on the weekends--can u imagine, lol?) and how she acts on it doesn't "offend" me. For me, there is a big and noticeable difference between her and the people I know who are abusing it.

Congratulations on your nearly four months!!!! And for your smart attitude about it all.

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Last night I went to a social gathering of female friends that are mostly former coworkers. It is good for me to socialize, but it is so different to be around this group now that I’m off of Adderall. I’m re-learning who I am with them. My friendship with one of these women has really changed for me. She is actually the person who introduced me to Adderall when we used to work together. We used to have a lot of fun colluding and amping each other up while on Adderall. Now I find her hard to take. She dominates conversations and talks louder and louder and makes everything about herself. Its shocking how different the dynamic feels. Two weeks ago I went to LA to visit my oldest friend. He has been off Adderall for a bit longer than me and he has stopped drinking. I felt like I could be myself around him and that was so nice. I’ve been getting closer to friends that don’t use and being more selective about who I spend time with as well as how I spend my time. I’m also trying to put myself out there in small, easy ways that matter to me. Might sound silly, but one example of this is practicing being friendly with people in my workout classes. Even if it’s just smiling and saying, “Hi!” rather than keeping to myself. Making opportunities to engage in positive ways.

You’re amazing! I never FEEL like walking out of my apartment to go exercise. I have to put all of my focus on how I know that once I’m doing it, I’ll be fine--I always am; and that once I’ve DONE it, I’ll feel so accomplished, and more alive than dead, lol. It can take all I have just to get myself out the door and into the door of the studio. It’s helping me so much to prioritize and structure my days now in ways that support what’s important to ME and my recovery.

I also stopped drinking alcohol at home alone and am only having it if I am out with friends on weekends. There are still numerous habits that got woven into my life on Adderall, and occasionally, I’ll have some clarity that finds me realizing that I’m just doing them because I’m still acting like an Adderall addict, not because I actually want or need to. Sometimes, like with the alcohol, I can choose to make a conscious decision to change my behavior on behalf of my best self. It’s the WANTS over FEELINGS challenge. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the idea of SUSTAINABLE HABITS. And how important these actually are to me now, even though much of my life I’ve resisted them in favor of erratic and idealized and all-or-nothing tendencies. I’ve realized that my life goes so much better when I build healthy, do-able routines into my days.

I love this thread!!!! I joined Orange Theory a month ago and changed my work schedule to a very structured schedule that works for ME and allows me to have the same schedule every day so I can work with a manageable and healthy routine. I can sleep in; work out; eat lunch; then see clients in the afternoon and evening - and I’m now seeing a max of 20 clients/week. And I’m no longer seeing clients on weekends. I used to just see as many clients as I could wherever and whenever THEY wanted to basically, and my personal life would just have to happen (or not happen) around that. The Orange Theory workouts are really challenging in a way that feels SOOOO good for me. And the studio is right around the corner so I can walk to it. In the last month since I joined, I’ve run over 30 miles in addition to the strength training and rowing. Yesterday I cleaned my apartment and vacuumed, mopped, and then polished the floors. Back in the latter Adderall days, this would have left me and my back completely thrashed. But yesterday I realized how much stronger I’ve gotten and my back didn’t bother me. Sometimes it’s easy to not be aware of the progress I’ve made since quitting Adderall, but having ways to be reminded of it and to have tangible measures is really encouraging!

Thank you so much!

i see that a number of you on this site talk about going to meetings. I would like to hear any advice or thoughts on the matter. I'm at 98 days and have been struggling the most this past week as i've been feeling so BLAH. I haven't turned to Adderall, but I have been taking stimulant teas and OTC meds that contain pseudephedrine to try and find a boost of some sort to get through the day.