LuLamb

OMG I love this post. Thank you!!!

the challenge, in part, is to relax the habit of comparing life without adderall to life at the beginning of taking adderall. quitting is like the death of loved one who also mistreated you. after they die, you miss terribly the love part, and you have a blind-spot for the how-they-mistreated-you part. it's a new-normal you have to seek.

What might you tell a client in your shoes? I'm also learning that in order to stay sober, I have to make that my #1 priority. It's a drag, but it is simple and I keep learning the hard way that it's the only option. Every time I relapse I am disappointed. It simply isn't sustainable and my whole life suffers. Life without adderall is different, but when I think about what I really WANT, what my actual GOALS are, it's things like being responsible, being a good therapist, being a good friend and partner, etc etc...and I can't be those things when I'm on adderall. Even tho my addicted brain thinks I can. Thinks I can't be those things without adderall. A belief is just a thought we keep on thinking. Think some new thoughts. I hope you will involve your husband. If you want to work on your marriage, it seems like that has to happen.

What has your husband's response been to the fact that you are spiraling?

Whatever steps you take, whatever attempts you make will help give you more clarity about what needs to happen. Each time I’ve quit and relapsed I’ve learned what I needed to do to up the ante the next time around. This time I learned that there will always be a new “supplier” I have to cut off and I learned the importance to my recovery of being more honest with myself and my boyfriend about what I’m doing and if I’m nearing a relapse. I never stopped seeing clients each time I’ve quit and that’s been scary, but ultimately really helpful. I know I’m doing better therapy for my clients when I’m sober, even when I feel going into a session like I’m going to be a total wet blanket. The sessions don’t actually feel really long like I feared. When I think back to how I was when I did sessions when I was really sorta strung out on Addys, I was definitely not doing my clients a service. You’ll figure this out. It doesn’t need to be pretty or elegant.

I left the marriage while still on Adderall. That was four years ago. Mind you, I sometimes say that I had no business getting married in the first place. Adderall became both a coping mechanism as well as a death knell. My ex and I are friendly and I'm in a new relationship that is the healthiest one I've ever had.

the bottom line is, I can't keep approaching my recovery with the kind of expectations of myself that I had while I was on Adderall...that's an idealistic mindset that is a set-up for relapse.

I’m also working on taking a more reasonable approach to exercise because my tendency over the last six months was too all-or-nothing and that ends up being a trigger to use and finds me not actually listening to my body and causes my Adderall-induced injuries (herniated disks) to flare-up. I’m committing to doing some walking every day and anything else I do like an occasional run or hike will be a bonus but not something I’m forcing. I haven’t decided what my plan is For when Orangetheory reopens...

For the record, I haven’t quit everything at once. Still smoking (cigars) and drinking some alcohol. However, I am committed to steering clear of all the supplements (dopa) and stimulant teas (kratom) and otc meds (mucinex d) that I was using off and on over the past six months to skirt around the lack of Adderall. Progress IS a process, I guess!

How’s Day 1 treating you? I keep thinking about AMBIVALENCE and the reply someone made about breaking thru it with a decision. The other day when I was in my relapse and all I wanted was to not be in ambivalence. I still had some Addys And I was afraid to toss them But I was Simultaneously hating the feeling of them in my system. I had to ask myself what I wanted and what the fear was. I was afraid to toss them but I was afraid to take them. But what I wanted was to be free of them. I tossed them. I want to live a real life. Which is scary. But the alternative is a false proposition and I’ve wasted so much time trying to prove it to be otherwise.

I used to use and go crazy on “home improvement” projects (aka marriage avoiding and destroying projects) and then get so upset that he “wasn’t doing anything”. It’s insane and heartbreaking to think about.

Congratulations on three years! That’s a huge accomplishment. I’ve read many of your post from over the years. You’ve come a long way. My boyfriend asked how I was doing yesterday and I said, “Meh, but not bad-bad. Kinna lacking in motivation and a bit anhedonia-ish” and he laughed and said, “That’s how everybody feels without Adderall!” And tho he was joking, I think there is truth in what he’s saying. Those peeps who have never been speed freaks, who are just living normal, ordinary lives-going to work, earning a paycheck, having some nice times on their time off, are ok with how that is. What a concept!!!! Anyhoo- CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Cheers to you!!!

I’m realizing increasingly that my marriage never stood a chance while I was on Adderall.

Cutting off my suppliers has been invaluable. I cannot conceive of myself trying to stay off Adderall if I have any access to it. The addiction wants what it wants, but if there’s no Adderall around, then I can mostly go about my business. It really frees me up. And the act of cutting them off was hugely empowering.

I mean start my day count over. So today is Day 3 off of Adderall. If you weren’t scared about all of this, then you probably wouldn’t have an addiction, lol. Whatever works. Starting the day count over just seemed like it would help me hold myself more accountable. I realized what’s the point of the day count if a bunch of the days were actually days I was using? The good thing, DJ, is that you haven’t quit trying to quit. I had one short period of time (like maybe 6 hours) during this most recent relapse when I felt “good”-where I was enjoying having a little Adderall in my system. The rest of it was awful. It was just a mental-emotional roller-coaster coupled with complete agitation. My boyfriend and I nearly broke up over it. I’m glad it was so awful simply because it was such a reminder that there’s no going back. It’s a trap.

I don’t live in that house anymore, but I’ve actually looked at GoogleEarth pics Before to see that pathway I made so I can laugh and shake my head about, lol.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! So happy for you!!! And inspired by you :)!!!

I’m working on a plan to quit everything at once and looking for support and thoughts. I quit Adderall back in October and cut off my supplier (my doc). I’ve had a slip-up this week and it led me to cut off my newest supplier (my neighbor). Before quitting Adderall I managed to quit Seroquel. About a month ago I quit pot, which, surprisingly, has been totally fine. However, as I look towards resuming my abstinence from Adderall, I am realizing from this most recent lapse, that I really need to up my game. I am considering going cold turkey on everything that I consider to be at most, an addiction (Adderall, nicotine) and at least, a crutch (Various supplements, stimulant teas like Kratom, alcohol, sleep aids). They all seem to go hand-in-hand and to perpetuate a lack of true sobriety. When I quit Adderall in October, that was Day 1. I had three brief (a few days) slip-ups since Day 1, but I decided to keep moving forward and did not go back to a Day 1 when the slip-ups happened. I’ve decided it feels important to me now to go back to “Day 1” once this current lapse is over (see how I am?). Any thoughts or feedback or suggestions appreciated. One of my biggest fears is that things like alcohol and smokes are so readily available. How does one cut off their supplier in these cases!!??? So grateful for you all and this site...

5. Led me DEEP into debt.

4. Really caused some damage to me physically: led me to over-do-it physically resulting in herniated disks which cause constant issues with nerve pain all over my right side. The clincher was the time I decided the paved walkway in my backyard needed to be re-done (all by myself, mind you). I spent my weekends going to Home Depot buying 50# bags of crushed granite, huge paving stones, etc. Loading and unloading all of it by myself; digging the long trench the new path required (by myself)...you get the picture. Oh - and the house was a RENTAL and I spent all of my own money, time, and energy doing it and I never even asked the landlord if he minded or whatever...crazy stupid body-breaking adderall-fueled "seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time" projects...

My initial QUIT was sparked by illness as well. I think it is fantastic that you are taking advantage of the COVID19 "situation" to begin your journey of sobriety. It is so weird to really realize one truly has an addiction. Keep us posted!!!!!

2. Made me age more quickly 3. Acted like a gateway drug: pot, alcohol, tobacco...

1. Undermined my self-trust

Meditate. Exercise. Take responsibility for your irritability and make room for it in your experience so it dissipates and can come in like a wave and crash and then recede. Try to orient to it in a non-judgmental way.: "I'm noticing that I am irritable. That's what's true now. OK." Be mindful not to take it OUT on the people, places, and things around you. It's just part of the process as your system detoxes, withdrawals, and tries to adjust to a new normal. Learn to listen to the irritability (what is it's narrative?) so it can help you set increasingly healthy boundaries with yourself and others.

I just cut off my most recent supplier (my neighbor). I told him that I've turned him into my supplier and that I can't keep slipping down that slope anymore. I said I'd never ask him for Adderall again, but said, "just to be sure: please don't ever give me any or offer me any every again anyway. I've got to get that monkey off my back and keep it off. Thanks." He said, "OK. I understand. I hope everything is ok." There's a weird irony to using again: it gives me the "energy" to re-commit myself to abstinence.