Brit
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Posts posted by Brit
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22 hours ago, dolssa said:
congrats! do you mind me asking what anti depressant you started? i quit a little more than a year ago and relapsed this week because of deep depression :/
@dolssa So sorry to hear about your relapse! it happens, and you got this! I am on Lexapro. Started at 5mg and have been sitting at 15mg for a few months now. I truly feel like a different person. A lot of my friends are also on Lexapro, and all have great experiences on it.
1 hour ago, speedracer said:I always figured I was the person who needs Adderall to survive in this crazy world. Its prescribed for a reason, and I was the reason.
@speedracer - I also thought this about myself!! It was really cool to realize this isn't the case.
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@SleepyStupid- I had a great conversation with one my best friends this weekend on this topic; she filled me in that she struggles with forgiveness and moving on, because she feels like she is giving those who hurt her “a pass” if she does. It made me so sad to hear that because she’s been struggling for well over a couple of decades with this. That’s too long to hold on to the past when you have a whole future in front of you!
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I’m so happy it did!! I don’t contribute as much here lately, but I know when I was going through the worst parts seeing how much better it gets was so important to staying on track and not giving in. It’s so therapeutic to take the time and reflect and journal about it too.
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365 days ago I started tapering my Adderall prescription (and lock down started in my state!)
351 days ago was my last pill (and the day I realized I had covid)
In the last 365 days I’ve:
- gained 40 pounds
- isolated myself from all my friends
- went from an overall mild depression to deep depression
- started therapy
- repaired family relationships
- started taking anti-depressants
- developed dependence on cannabis
- gained a little self-confidence
- took a Harvard course
- promoted
- lost 5 pounds
- realized my self-worth and fuck I’m amazing
To say this year was a roller coaster is an understatement. If you told me even 4 months ago my list would have ended this positively I would have thought you were insane. I let myself cry this morning seeing on my “NOMO” clock that I hit 365 days. I let myself truly take in all that I’ve gone through and accomplished.
My new thing is focusing on “post-traumatic growth” - I will no longer let my past affect my present and my future. I got this, and so do all of you. After 10 years of Adderall use and complete dependence on it to make it through a single day, I never thought life could be this good.
It’s worth pushing through the struggles, I promise.
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Hey guys! I’ve been in therapy for a few months now, post getting off adderall. I’ve kinda gone off the deep end through uncovering painful memories and such. Downside/upside? of feeling again!
So my therapist has been recommending I consider an SSRI for a while and finally I am going to take it. Lexapro to be exact.
I am really hesitant to start on another drug that has withdrawals, it scares me a lot. Anyone have experiences to share with using this drug and what I can expect?
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Happy 17th month!!! What an insane accomplishment. So encouraging to hear that the changes keep coming month over month and you’re feeling so at peace now.
I definitely want and need to stay more active here too, it brings a sense of community and understanding that no one in my life can relate to. And if month 9 happens to be harder, at least I can come here to talk about it!
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It's been a while since I've posted an update and now feels like a good time as things have started changing again and seeing a few more stages of growth. I am heading into 8 months off of adderall and things have been good and things have been bad at the same time. I have mostly closed myself off from all human contact these last few months as I got sick of feeling so different than I did before and that nagging feeling to take a pill to feel normal grew stronger.
The good:
- I am still feeling things!
- Waking up is far easier than ever before
- The way I think and work hasn't changed (just my speed and quickness) -- but my brain still works!!
- I am getting my life back... little by little (emphasis on the little)
The bad:
- I still have depression (through Therapy discovering this has likely been lifelong)
- I feel purposeless and have 0 drive to take care of myself and my responsibilities, outside of my dog
- I literally do nothing outside of work and watch TV. Life is boring... but I also recognize it is nearly winter and a pandemic.
Overall, I think my adderall usage the past 10 years was a way for me to continue living and building a life, while living, yet glossing over my depression and low self-worth. Now that this crutch is gone, it all has come crashing down and my binge eating is nearly out of control now too. Thankfully I started therapy about two months ago, and all of the things I tried to ignore or numb out, I can no longer. While this shit is so hard, I am still thankful everyday that I am still living this journey and beginning a new way of living like I never have before. A life that means something and isn't full of random tasks and activities. I've had to relearn my relationships with my friends and now my family, and I'd be lying if I said this didn't totally suck. But I am grateful for this opportunity to change and grow closer to people who mean a lot to me, rather than just always being go go go and moving on the next thing.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
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6 minutes ago, tuneum said:
do you mind if i ask how slow your taper was/how many weeks/months it has taken you?
When I first started quitting adderall I tapered off 10-15% of my normal dosage when I had to work. I eyeballed it, didn’t use a scale. On days I didn’t have to work (weekends) I went cold turkey. This was recommendation of an article I found. I felt fine doing it this way, no withdrawals that I could tell. After two weeks of 10-15% reduction, I started doing 15-20% reduction, but then came down with coronavirus and went cold turkey. From cold turkey it took about 20 days to feel semi-normal. I’m at 98 days since starting overall and 84 days since cold turkey, just still trying to figure out how to reclaim my energy and willpower. But I feel better overall
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1 hour ago, sleepystupid said:
turns out it's the perfect cure to recovery blues! it's a type of energy you honestly can't tap into normally. it's the thrill of falling in love - it magically overpowers the fatigue, depression, everything when your around that person. i honestly don't think i would have succeeded without that element in my life at that time. (:
This made my heart so happy! I’m so glad you met someone that made you feel this way and added bonus with helping you on recovery blues!
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An earlier poster got me thinking about dating and I’m curious to hear some stories from people who dated post-adderall and how different it is from dating on the meds.
I was on adderall for 10 years and I’m now 67 days clean. I’m no longer an emotionless monster!! I’ve always had a hard time dating due to a number of things, but I know that adderall was definitely one of those things. I’m truly curious how different dating is going to be once I’m ready.
I’m nervous to jump in because I still have some pretty bad depression days and I feel so unattractive right now as I’ve gained 20 pounds from my new-found hunger and well, quarantine. I already had an extra 15 lbs I gained from injuries over last few years. Self-acceptance is definitely something I need to work on before I dip my toe in that pond.... buttttt damn do I crave emotional connection like I never have before! I feel like I have so much more to offer now than I have in a very long time.
Can’t wait to stories, advice - whatever you guys got for me! This forum truly has been crucial to my success.
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4 hours ago, sweetupbaaby said:
Fit of rages
@sweetupbaaby- Around the same time as where you are at I had majorrrrrrr uncontrollable rages for about a week and a half. That definitely passed and I hope it passes for you too! I notice taking my supplements daily helps a ton.
I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. I’m sure he’d be so proud of you for the steps you’re taking!-
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I relate to so much of what you’re feeling, your story left me in tears; you clearly have a passion inside you WAITING to burst out full-time!
There is so much more to life than career success. As you’re feeling now, life is about relationships and connection. Listen to what you’re body is telling you and break free of this drug. You deserve it and your kids / wife deserve it too.
Your work won’t necessarily fail - maybe at first - but that shall pass. Just over two months in, my passion for my work is still there, it’s just different. My mission has realigned. I find myself not being so obsessed with making the perfect decision or pleasing my bosses. My anxiety that I’m not being perfect is loosening up day by day. I’m now way more obsessed about being a good leader and doing good for my company, because they are actually a good company that deserves that effort.
Music - literally just this morning at 3am I couldn’t sleep because my heart has been aching over what is going on in the world right now. I started listening to music and I started crying. It felt so different listening to it now, 67 days clean. I can’t explain it as eloquently as you did - but I so get it!
Relationships - I crave relationships and connections like I never have before, like you I was convinced I was fine without strong connections and preferred to be a loner because I felt so cold and out of place more times than not. I couldn’t even be sober (alcohol + adderall) in social situations either, my anxiety was too much. It sickens me to know that I‘ve used friends in the past, I didn’t care about them as much as they cared about me. But I wanted them around so I had somewhat of a social life (Relationships never seem to work out for me) and they always had my back when I needed them. I had these tactics I would use with my friends that it made it seemed like I cared so I wasn’t feeling like a total dick. I use to put calendar reminders in my phone so I would be the first to reach out every so often and it wouldn’t seem one-sided. Now I’m reaching out close to daily without reminders bc I do actually care about them and that alone is a weight off my shoulders because I don’t feel like a monster. That drug made me cold and emotionless. I’d rather lose my amazing job than lose having feelings again. I was on the drug for 10 years.
Thanks for sharing your story <3
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Congrats on this opportunity! That fraud feeling is so real! If you read through my recent posts you’ll find one where I has to give a presentation to my executive team recently, it was terrifying and very relatable to what you described.
My best recommendation is to put some hard work into this interview. Know the company, job description and associated responsibilities inside and out. Have your experience and examples on how you fit this role written down - study and refine these over and over. If there’s any areas you lack a lot of experience, write that down and practice what you want to say here too. In summary, prep any and all possible answers and questions you have for this interview and keep running through it. This will give you a certain level of confidence during the interview because you’re going to be pulling this content from memory, and you can use the rest of your energy for any curve balls that come your way. I’ve done this exercise for any job interview that was important to me over the last 8 years and always received an offer.
good luck!! Would love to know how it goes
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3 hours ago, sweetupbaaby said:
To be able to articulate what you are feeling without stuttering is something I obviously took for granted. Truly, this may not mean much to others but this is huge for me. I thought I had lost all ability to be a functioning human. Now, more than anything I think this has taught me that my brain will not be broken forever. I'm starting to see a pin-drop of light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have a long way to go but being able to grasp on to anything for hope is a Godsend on this journey.
Nice work!! Getting that “oh I’m not broken” feeling was such a huge deal for me too. I’m only a little over a month out from you (62 days) but I promise you’ll keep seeing more and more progress, little by little, especially with conversations.
I had to fly home this weekend for a family issue and I was so worried since I had been quarantining by myself for the last two months. Didn’t know how I could constantly be around family and have conversations all day without adderall, felt too soon. But honestly it has been easier than when I was on meds - I’m way less anxious, don’t have the adderall crash, and I have my personality back.
I haven’t been as depressed too, and last week was reallllll bad.
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On 5/17/2020 at 3:17 PM, sweetupbaaby said:
I'm really excited to purge my house of clutter and live a more minimalized lifestyle. When we start to live regulated and sober, I think the need to regulate and keep order of other areas of our life comes into play.
Totally this! I purged, organized, and cleaned for 8 hours on Friday. My apt had gotten pretty messy and things stopped having a place and I couldn’t get anything done. I finally setup an exercise space and decluttered everything. I’ve felt sooo much being in my apartment and way more productive overall too. Now I just need to use the workout space...
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This was beautiful to read! Congrats on 11 months, huge milestone! Reading progress stories like this get me through another day and give me hope that I don’t need them.
Just 49 days in, I also feel some of the good things you’re talking about. I had a bit of bad news this weekend and normally when something like this happens I lost my shit, but for whatever reason I feel so much more emotionally equipped today to handle it. I can’t explain it. Especially with PAWs still in full-force. (Annoying work situations are another story, I still internally lose my shit lol)
I’ve also been reaching out and responding way more to friends and family these last few weeks. When I was when on adderall I could hardly bother to write or call back, in fact I loathed responding to people, it felt like the biggest chore in the world. Which always left me with so much guilt. Sorry, random rant, my brain is still very much ADD
congrats again!! Would love to hear another update down the road
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There’s one side effect that’s been really bothering me and that’s that I have absolutely no patience and feel like I could snap at any moment. I can see red and start internally raging with just one little comment!
Normally I’ve prided myself on my extreme patience, but that’s totally out the window now, especially at work. I often feel like I’m the coach in a boxing ring having to hold myself back from saying stuff I’ll regret.
Anyone else experience this? I’m 37 days clean, I just didn’t expect this loss of control!
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On 5/1/2020 at 11:21 PM, xenia0323 said:
Can you please share your supplements? I’m starting my quitting journey next week and I heard supplements really help
@xenia0323 - I find the most benefit when I take them consistently each and every day, I didn't take them this weekend and definitely felt more depressed than I have in about a week. Get a pill holder, saves so much time and easier to take each day. I've spent a lot time researching brands and benefits of each one, so I shared links below for them. Good luck, you got this!!!
Morning: 1,3,4,7 I've been taking for a few years to help with side effects of Adderall.
- Adrenal Health: 2 capsules: for stress and adrenal fatigue
- Omega-3 Fish Oil: 1 1250mg capsule: Health, Brain and joint support
- L-Tyrosine: 1 500mg capsule for mental alertness
- Ginkgo Biloba: 1 550mg capsule for memory and concentration
- D, L-Phenyalanine: 1 500mg capsule to enhance mood and energy levels
- One-A-Day Women's Multi-Vitamin: Just cause I needed more Iron and Zinc + everything else
- Stress B-Complex: 1 capsule for stress support
- *Bromelain: 1 500mg capsule. I've taken this for a few years to help with inflammation, primarily sinuses. Not necessarily Adderall related.
- *L-Lysine: 1 1000mg capsule, I've taken this for 8 years for cold sores. Haven't had one since. Also helps with immune function. Not necessarily Adderall related. But I've read that Adderall can wreck havoc on immune system.
- Genius Mushrooms, I just started adding them to my morning routine today. They are an immune booster and for memory, energy and liver support. Can't fully recommend until I have more time to see how they are interacting with everything else and if I notice any sort of difference.
Throughout the day: I've taken both throughout the years to help with side effects of Adderall.
- L-Tyrosine: I take again 1-2 more 500mg capsules throughout the day as needed for mental alertness. Usually in 3 hour increments during work days
- CBD Oil: Half-dropper to help with anxiety as needed
Evening:
- Kava Kava: 1 700 mg to help with stress, mood and mental calmness
- CBD Oil: Half-dropper to help relax
- *Bromelain: 1 500mg capsule. I've taken this for a few years to help with inflammation, primarily sinuses. Not adderall related.
- *L-Lysine: 1 1000mg capsule, I've taken this for 8 years for cold sores. Haven't had one since. Always help with immune function
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For Sleep: 30 minutes before bed I take 2-3 of the below or mix & match depending on my mood so I take between 3-4.5mg of melatonin to help sleep every-night
- Melatonin Gummy: 2-3 pieces for a more calming and natural sleep
- *Recoop, after stimulants: 2 capsules, I bought this subscription when I was still on Adderall, and found the night time pretty beneficial. Once I run out, I will not reorder as didn't take away all the side effects, but I really like them for sleeping pills.
Would love to hear if anyone has something they recommend I add or feedback on what I am taking. And thanks for all of the support on this post, it was very therapeutic to write it out!
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Hello friends - today I am 31 days clean after 10 years (25mg XR and 10-20mg instant). I wanted to share a positive story and an Ah-ha moment!
The first 27 days without adderall were a complete crap shoot, and the stress and guilt I felt for falling behind on work and not showing up for my team has been weighing on me. So I’ve known for 3 weeks I needed to present a new strategic plan to my CEO & management team due to covid, but I could not get my shit together. The task felt insurmountable. What normally would have taken me a day to prep (the plan was already done), took every bit of 3 weeks to get up the nerve to begin prepping for the presentation.
I was also avoiding it because I could barely string sentences together, my confidence was at all time low, I’ve had many days of deep depression, and I was beginning to feel like a total fraud and that I never earned my position to begin with.
Day 28 I was finally feeling a bit more clear-headed - I think multiple walks a day and being consistent with my supplements have really been key (if anyone wants to know what they are, drop a comment). So I began pulling my presentation together - it still took me 3 full days to prep, but after practicing my presentation for hours and hours, basically memorizing it - I felt mostly prepared, yet still unsure I could answer questions outside of that.
well... yesterday I fucking did it!!! My boss and the suits all said it was my best presentation yet, and I had to answer a ton of questions and even change some of my plan on the fly due to new company initiatives. I literally cried tears of joy after and haven’t lost my smile yet. I’ve suddenly had a ton more drive and energy that has lasted 30 straight hours.
What I really want to share with you all is that I believe my confidence and self-esteem has been a decent piece of what has been weighing me down mentally. Now that I know I’m not a fraud, because I can literally FEEL it within me, I know I can quit for good.
I think having an early win like this, and one so crucial (I need a job, single household over here!), is major for my self worth. I recommend seeking out something similar to show yourself you’re still the same person; but wait until you’re ready. If I had to deliver this presentation last week, I couldn’t have, my brain wasn’t ready yet.
I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m so excited to have reached a new stage!
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I am on day 28 of cold turkey, about a week and a half ago I started feeling way less foggy and could string some sentences together. I’m in marketing and do improv, so being creative and strategic is what I’m paid to do; I feel your pain on the writing!
The first two weeks were a total bust, I couldn’t do anything. From everything I read and experienced myself, I think you should only focus on getting things done you absolutely need to do, like paying bills and anything that you have to do to maintain your job, but the still do the absolute bare minimum.
I find the harder I try to push myself to be “normal” the worst off I am mentally, bc I beat myself up so much for being lazy and slow. Lately I’ve been accepting what I am able to do and celebrating small wins. Today I worked for 5 hours (Which is a lot more then I’ve been able to do since I stopped), and I let myself be stoked!
and the hunger.... omg I’ve gained and lost the same 6lbs for 28 days. I find intermittent fasting is a good method for me to control my eating, I use the Life app to track.
To end this random rant, it does get better! I can’t believe the progress I’ve made since day 8!
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@DrewK15 - thanks so much for taking the time to write all of that out. When I first read it, I was kind of in denial and then the more I thought about, the more it made sense. Life IS boring, and Adderall gave me the sense that life moved so much quicker since I got so much done after I took it. Yesterday the weather was beautiful, so I took advantage and took THREE long walks and really enjoyed it, plus I felt so much better and focused after. Today, the weather is crappy out so I haven't done that and I feel pretty gross, moody and lethargic again. Definitely great advice overall, thanks again!
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Hi everyone, this has been quite the journey; it’s been 21 days since my last pill, and every day is different. Somedays I feel almost normal; others I feel extreme fog and depression.
What’s keeping me up tonight is worrying about my general lack of motivation, excitement, and interest in life. It’s bringing back memories of how I felt before I took Adderall 10 years ago and how I felt 4 years ago when I wasn’t on it for about a year and a half to two years.
When I started Adderall each time, I felt like it was a missing piece in my life, and I had a new desire to live and experience life like never before.
I feel now, and at those times, like I am a shell of a person. It concerns me because I don’t want to be on Adderall (after a while many of those nice benefits disappear, but at least it still gave me motivation), but I also don’t want to feel this way for the rest of my life and I’m worried I could relapse on this fear alone. I found myself binge eating last night as a coping mechanism (a reoccurring issue I’ve had throughout my life).
Would love to hear if anyone has similar experiences for using Adderall and your advice for overcoming this without taking the drug. At the age of 33, my entire adult I had a crutch to overcome this, it’s daunting to face the rest of my life without it!
Thanks for reading <3
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I feel the exact same way today! I am at 21 days clean. Yesterday I had sooo much energy, but today I can hardly do a single thing, I’m all over the place and can’t even hold a conversation because listening is too hard. I’m supposed to be working from home, but can’t say that’s happening. Today is the first day I’ve been very tempted to take a pill, I hope this stage doesn’t last too long.
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I just joined this forum and looking for support. Here’s my journey!
I’ve taken Adderall for over 10 years; I started at age 23 when my mom gave it to me to lose weight. She kept refilling my brother's old Adderall medication, even though he stopped taking it. Yes, my mother was my drug dealer. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 7, but she decided not to medicate me then. So even though I was offended at the reason she gave it to me, I didn’t think I was abusing anything since I was diagnosed, right?
Things were “great” for a few years, I did lose the 50lbs I gained post-college, applied for, and graduated from grad school, and moved multiple states growing my career.
Then about 6 years ago, my sober boyfriend (Heroin) stole my Adderall and started taking it. I quit right then and there so it wouldn’t be in the house. I remember the withdrawals being terrible, but so many other things were happening during this time that I didn't pay attention to how it affected me after the initial 3 weeks. Shortly after he stole my Adderall, he relapsed again on heroin, and I finally left him after countless rehabs and emotional abuse. I was incredibly depressed and withdrawn from the world for over a year after that. I did see a therapist, and that helped a lot, but I still didn’t think I had what it took to overcome everything by myself.
So I started retaking Adderall about 4 years ago because I thought I needed it to be functional again, I Iacked so much self-motivation. I did “successfully” re-enter the world with Adderall, advanced my career, and more importantly stayed single so I could break the terrible relationship patterns I’ve had since I was 16.
Shortly after, my mom’s supply was finally dwindling as she was no longer getting refills. I was worried about running out. I set out to legitimize my addiction, I found a doctor to give me a script in my new state. It was terrifying, and I felt like a total fraud, but I got it done. And then I used my old pink pills for weekends and going out.
For the last year, I’ve felt that I couldn't physically take Adderall 7 days a week, my body told me I couldn’t handle it, and so usually 1-2 days a week I've been fucked bc of withdrawals.
I’ve wanted to officially quit because I didn’t want a drug to control me, but I didn’t know how I could manage the withdrawals full-time. I am a new director for a tech company, I have a side business, and I do improv 3-days a week. Always an excuse.
Then COVID-19 came along, and I knew I’d never have another chance like this to be home for this long uninterrupted, so no more excuses. The first 2 weeks, I started tapering during workdays and went cold turkey on weekends. Then I got the coronavirus and couldn’t work anyways, that was April 30th, and I haven’t had a pill since then, and I plan to continue cold-turkey.
I’m grateful that I was able to leverage this quarantine for my wellbeing. I finally feel better and kicked the worst of the withdrawals and higher spirits, yet still a little foggy, though. I am terrified of PAWs. I just want all of this to be over. It’s been a wild 10 years.
Before I started this journey, I didn’t think my addiction was the same as my ex’s, but it is... he couldn’t function without heroin, and I thought I couldn’t function without Adderall.
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Im a mom and I’m finally realizing it’s time to quit
in Tell your story
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You have the will and desire to quit, I know you can do this! In fact, you did do it not that long ago! Don’t forget how strong you are.
Reading everyone’s stories is what really helped me get through the first few months, and giving myself grace. You already know stopping is going to be horrible. You might not feel like the best mom some days, but keep remembering that you are doing this so that you can be a healthier and happier you, and that’s all your daughter wants at the end of the day.