[I'm Still Here (in case you were wondering / care)]

I'm not opposed to antidepressants in all circumstances. If you're having suicidal thoughts, by all means take some wellbutrin. But I think for most, post amphetamine depression is largely situational, as in your brain is all fucked up and needs time to heal. If you want to take an antidepressant to take the edge off for awhile, go for it. I just didn't want to quit an addiction in which I took pills to control my mood, and then take pills to control my mood. I wanted to reconstruct my inner resources piece by piece, no matter how slowly. As long as I wasn't suicidal, I wasn't going to die. I braced myself for the giant waves of discomfort and over time, I got used to the motion.

[Relationshippppsss]

I think it's normal in your 20s to hold on to lackluster relationships longer than you should, out of convenience or fear of being alone. When you're in your 30s you'll look back and wonder what the hell took you so long. See, liltex is in her 30s and she ain't willing to settle

[Recipes]

For those of you who were interested in recipes - here are some that I make frequently. I don't follow these exactly, but they are good blueprints, and you can tailor them to your tastes.

I make this pasta salad to take for lunches - it's vegetarian and filling. I usually throw a bunch of snap peas, bell peppers, and broccolini in it, and skip the sesame seeds and scallions.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/crunchy-noodle-salad-recipe/index.html

I lived in London for a year and went to this restaurant Wagamama's all the time. This is an approximation of my favorite menu item.

http://hotcooking.co.uk/recipes/2/wagamamas-amai-udon

Easy Asian meatballs - I usually make with rice and a quick cucumber salad

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/korean-meatballs-10000002012780/

Really easy eggplant dish

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/eggplant-and-goat-cheese-lasagna/detail.aspx

A basic veggie curry

http://www.food.com/recipe/eggplant-aubergine-spinach-curry-151461

I buy the Thai Kitchen brand of red curry paste and make the coconut curry sauce recipe on the back of the jar. It's so good and really simple. All you need is a can of coconut milk, fish sauce and sugar. I have a microwave rice cooker/vegetable steamer. I cook the rice and steam the veggies in the microwave, make the sauce and dump veggies in, add tofu or shrimp, then serve over rice. So easy and it always tastes good left over.

http://www.thaikitchen.com/products/sauces-and-pastes/red-curry-paste.aspx

Here's a Mexican casserole recipe I made up:

1 onion, diced

1 can corn

1 can black beans

1/2 can olives

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can red enchilada sauce (I like Macayo's brand)

12 small corn tortillas

Shredded cheese

Saute the onion. When soft, add the other stuff and simmer for

a few minutes. Add whatever seasonings you like (I like cumin and

fresh cilantro) Cut the tortillas into quarters. Line the bottom of a

baking dish with half of the the tortilla quarters, top with half the

mixture and some cheese. Repeat with the tortillas, mixture and

cheese. Bake for 20-30 mins at 350 deg.

Some other things I make a lot : enchiladas, chili, lentil stew in the crockpot, shredded beef or pork in the crockpot (you can use for taco/burritos/sandwiches and freeze portions). Use a chuck roast or a pork shoulder (pork butt).

When I don't feel like cooking, I'll make a bean and cheese quesadilla, or an egg and potato burrito. I'll cut up a russet potato into cubes and microwave it to have on hand. For a breakfast or lunch, I'll mix one scrambled egg with a handful of potato cubes, half an avocado, some shredded cheese and hot sauce, and wrap it up in a burrito. Makes a hearty, easy meal for one.

[in need of help]

I'm in my 30s too and I have more energy now than I did when I started adderall in my 20s. Your body and brain and hormones change. Your natural energy levels might be totally different this decade, especially since aspects of your life have changed, i.e. marriage. You won't know until you abstain from drugs for a long period of time. Adderall makes everything worse over the long term, energy and quality of sleep included.

[in need of help]

I took organic chem 1 and 2 evry day one summer. My friend and I ate tons of adderall and I did terrible. We would pull all nighters and I would "study", except I was too tweaked out and nervous and did even worse....I failed the 2nd part and had to retake it. It still didn't stop me from taking adderall. I know for a fact that ,by that point it was definitely not helping me w/ school. In my mind of course, I liked to tell myself it did. I'm in the same boat as you... still trying to fight this demon. I HAVE to quit but I am so scared to let it go... Sigh.

The main reason for me is severe chronic fatigue (possible narcolepsy). I am so afraid of living in a bed again, but willing to get a sleep study and do whatever it takes to live a normal life again... even if I have to be sleeping most of it I need this forum more than ever!

I can relate to the fear of fatigue. Feeling tired all the time was my main impetus for getting a prescription, and my main trigger for relapsing. What's the underlying cause of your fatigue? Is it medical or psychosomatic? My underlying issue was boredom, lack of stimulation, and too much meat and dairy consumption. My diet is much healthier now, mostly vegan with meat or fish once or twice a week and tons of veggies. Lots of beans. Almond milk instead of milk. You get the picture.

No doubt you will be fatigued when you quit. Unbearably, and for a long time. But not forever. The day I took my last pill I said to my husband, "well, this is it. I'm going to be exhausted for the next year." He laughed. I wasn't joking. I expected to be tired for a year, so when I had a fairly decent, consistent energy level after six months or so, I was pleasantly surprised. Lower your expectations, make healthy food choices, and give it at least a year. That's how I got through.

[Pretty low]

Yes, those PAWS-induced funks are normal. I had them every so often for the first year. I think they're gone now, so they do go away!

As far as cooking for one, the key is to make big portions and have them for leftovers or freeze for later. I lived alone for most of my twenties and cooked all the time. If you want to be healthy you have to make your own food. And if you do it right it will become much cheaper and more convenient than eating out. What kinds of food do you like? I'd be happy to share some easy recipes with you. You mentioned somewhere that you like Indian food. Curries and masalas are seriously the easiest things to make and taste even better the next day:) let me know if you want my recipes.

[Root canal]

Ashley,

I think you'd be fine taking them for pain, because you've never been addicted to anything besides adderall and you don't have the stereotypical addictive/thrill seeking personality. You don't abuse your klonopin even though benzos are very addictive to many people. You and I are what my friend calls 'discerning addicts.' We have but one drug of choice. The other non-stimulant drugs? Boring!

[Waiting for my brain to re-calibrate]

I know that state of apathy and anhedonia well, especially as it relates to work. It took about a year for me to feel any real interest in life again. What helped me was accepting that I might never have a "calling" or "passion" that will be fulfilled through a job, that I might need to find meaning in other ways. I have always been a jack of all trades, master of none kind of person. Barbara Scher's book Refuse to Choose is a good read if you feel bummed about having many surface level interests rather than one burning passion in life.

[Before, During, and After Adderall]

I refinanced my house off adderall too and the paperwork probably took less time than it would have all jacked up. On the flip side, I did all my husband's immigration paperwork on adderall (which was way more crap) and I don't remember it taking that long...but I do recall obsessively checking my work over and over and over again...

There was a period on adderall where I didn't open my mail for like, a year. A year! All my bills were auto-paid, so I didn't get into any trouble there, but all these other pieces of mail just stacked up on my counter. After a couple months of neglecting the mail, I became scared to open it, so I just kept on accumulating it in this huge overflowing pile on the counter like a goddamn letter hoarder. I was SCARED. OF THE MAIL.

I also developed phone phobia during this time. I became terrified of talking to people on the phone, despite having spent the last six years working in...wait for it... PHONE SALES! I remember once having to call a bank to transfer an old 401k and it took me hours to muster the courage to do this ridiculously mundane thing. What will I say? Will the bank call center person like me? Will she think I'm stupid? Will she know I'm high? Damn, I was a mess back then!

[Recap and [really great] news!]

Congrats MFA! That is awesome news. You have accomplished so much in such a short amount of time. You should be really proud of yourself!

[Food]

These are the snack foods I always had on hand while quitting:

Hard boiled eggs

Orville redenbacher 100 calorie microwave popcorn bags

edamame

Veggies and hummus

Sunflower seeds in the shell (takes longer to eat this way)

Sweet potatoes - when I wanted something sweet, I would have a baked sweet potato with honey and cinnamon

Ripe plantains - ripe plantains fried in a little oil are a great dessert

Gerber chicken sticks - like Vienna sausages for toddlers but tastes way better. A 100 calorie protein snack.

[Dr. Oz]

I probbably should not post this comment because I am ignorant of Dr. Oz and I have never watched even one of his shows. I heard that he is NOT a real doctor. It seems like he promotes these wierd fad drugs and supplements (i.e. rasberry ketones). I am skeptical that he has a vested interest in some of the stuff he promotes. Is it possible that this epispode was covertly influenced by a drug salesman from Adderall. Inc?

He's a real doctor but his show is mostly pseudoscience/supplement fads because 'the magic supplement show' is what yields ratings, plus they shoot 5 shows a week so the topics are going to be a stretch when they're pressed to come up with new material everyday. There's a good article in Slate called Dr. Oz's miraculous medical advice' that talks about his quakery, or 'woo' as it's called in the scientific community.

[help, no motivation... zombie.. having bad thoughts]

Tapering is not going to work if you've ever taken more than your prescribed dose. I had that line of thinking too. It is wishful thinking. It is an excuse to prolong the addiction. Many of us have relapsed thinking it will be different this time, but it never is. Three weeks is just the beginning of recovery. It took me a year to feel normal again. Recovery is easier if you realize how long it's going to take. You're not going to feel normal after only a few weeks or a few months. If you want to be free of addiction, you just have to stick it out until a lot of time passes. I hope you don't relapse but from your writing it sounds like you are going to.

[The 180]

I am an introvert. Adderall made me more extraverted for the first year on it, then after awhile I became more introverted AND antisocial. Like MFA said, introverted just means you need alone time to recharge your batteries, not that you're neurotic or antisocial. Most people fall somewhere between the spectrum and aren't one extreme or another.

[So tiredddd]

Also don't forget it's the middle of winter! Don't know what that's like where you are but here it absolutely makes me want to hybernate.

I forget that the weather is crappy for most of you right now. In Phoenix, we get our SAD in the summer. We don't want to go outside from June-September.

Cassie I am so happy for you getting a dog/s. I really really am seriously considering it, I think it would be great therapy. Only thing is I don't want to bring it up poorly if I end up getting a job that will require travel. I would rather not have a dog than a neglected one.

Yeah, I've wanted dogs for ages but only recently did I start to feel like I was ready to get them. We got two so they wouldn't be lonely during the day while we're at work, and we have a doggie door so they can go in and out. Best decision ever! I feel so much more alive now that I have these adorable things. They are total boredom busters! Now all I need to do is get off my ass and look for a new job and life will be pretty good again...

[So tiredddd]

They're three years old and they're brother and sister. Bentley and Bailey are their names. They are awesome dogs!

[So tiredddd]

You probably need more stimulation during the day. I feel really tired during slow work weeks and much more alert during the weeks I am busy and have a lot to do. Feeling useful and needed and busy gives me more energy.

I just adopted two dachshunds and have been sleeping much less this week, but I feel more awake than ever because they are so playful and stimulating. Plus I'm walking them twice a day, so I'm outside much more.

So, do something novel, get outside, join a gym or sports league, get a pet. Active stimulation is the key, not passive stimulation like watching tv.

[How do you know you're having a PAWS day?]

Very rarely now.

[Happy Valentines Day]

Husband and I are getting take-out Thai and hanging out with our two awesome wiener dogs we just adopted

[Chat open sessions on Tuesdays]

I don't usually work that late. It was a last minute lecture someone asked me to do. I do work nights sometimes but those hours vary so don't worry about accommodating my schedule. Do what's convenient for you guys and I'll try to get on the chat at some point.

[How do you know you're having a PAWS day?]

For me it's definitely fatigue and brain fog. Like inrecovery, I used to get paws several days in a row, then just one day here and there, and it has always been pretty random. There's not much I can do except get a good night sleep and hope the next day is better. Part of recovery is learning that you can't control how you feel all the time; instead you must adapt to the ebbs and flow of life. It gets easier.

[Contemplating crawling back]

In a post awhile back, I mentioned reading a scholarly article about relapse prevention that talked about psychological aspects of addiction that persist long after abstinence. One of them was:

Magical thinking: the belief that a chemical substance will compensate for a personal weakness or lack of skill.

Remembering this line really helped me during the first year of recovery. It made me realize that every time I thought, 'maybe I do need adderall,' I was really just exhibiting a classic aspect of psychological addiction.

[Chat open sessions on Tuesdays]

I didn't even get home from work till 7:30 AZ time. Boo.

[Food]

"Eat food, not too much, mostly plants."

- Michael Pollan

[Follow up]

Hi jmac. Is this the longest you've gone without Adderall? It takes waaay longer than a month to feel better. Those of us who have been sober a long time will tell you it takes about three months to get out of the physical withdrawal and initial fog of depression, followed by another six months or so of feeling empty inside (but not physically tired), and after a year we felt mostly normal again with a few bad days here and there. If you're having trouble with quitting motivation, maybe make a list of all the bad things about Adderall and read and re-read them. Realize all the negative aspects of it. When I quit, I told myself it was just for a year, and after a year I'd allow myself to go back on it if I still felt horrible. That way it didn't feel like I was making a lifelong decision, but long enough to see if I really 'needed' Adderall. I mean, what's a year out of your entire life? After a year you will feel mostly recovered and won't want to go back. But you have to want to try that experiment.