Cassie
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Posts posted by Cassie
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You have to stick it out for a few more months to get through the worst of the withdrawals. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but it does get better the longer time passes. I assume you don't want to be on Adderall for the rest of your life, right?
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If you're afraid of the finality of quitting forever, do what I did and commit to quitting for one year, then at the year point you can go back on it. I mean, what's one year in the grand scheme of your life? Just get through one year and you can take adderall again. Thing is, after a year you will never dream of taking yourself up on that offer because you will be thinking rationally again. Look at the long timers on this site - me, inrecovery, quit-once, Ashley - that have been clean about a year or more. You will never read in any of our (later) posts that we are afraid of, or in danger of, relapsing.
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I was on fairly low doses too, about 20-30mgs. You don't have to abuse the drug to be addicted. In fact, I believe the addiction can be even more dangerous at low doses because it becomes more subtle, more justifiable, more insidious. Abuse level dosages aren't as easily rationalized internally. I avoided quitting for so long because I thought I had to be abusing the drug and/or hit rock bottom first. I later realized that was fallacious thinking. If you want to quit I recommend cutting off your doctor access. Until I did that I just kept right on getting my scripts filled each month. Recovery takes a long time, at leatst a year, but trust me, you won't even realize how addicted you were until you quit. It is so much better to sacrifice a year of feeling crappy in recovery in order to be free of addiction for the rest of your life.
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I cant fucking believe it! Someone managed to concoct a well-thought-out answer that tackles the question I was wondering about, and they even did it without calling my existence the collaborative work of Hitler, Satan, and Cthulhu. (referring to Cassie of course)
Ah, but don't equate my answer to validating your point of view, for there's a huge difference between over the counter headache medication and amphetamines. Aspirin isn't psychologically addictive. Amphetamines are, and massively so. Using once a month will slowly turn into twice a month, to every weekend, to Thursday-Sun, to Wed-Sun to every day...you get the picture. It's not like quitting aspirin or caffeine. The only people I know who ever used Adderall responsibly didn't really like it that much. They didn't really care if they took it or not. Didn't glamorize it whatsoever. They viewed it as stupid medicine that they could take or leave. They weren't in loooove, like you are. That's why everyone here is so annoyed/frustrated with your posts - they scream "FUTURE ADDICT OVER HERE!" and you don't even notice. It's like seeing a puppy about to be hit by a car. You yell "Get out of the way!" but it doesn't understand you.
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I once heard someone on a different website describe Adderall as a "member's only drug", as in you need to be on in for a couple years to understand the love/hate relationship. I thought that was a good description.
If you want to take Adderall responsibly, don't ever get a prescription. Buy it illegally. Having a prescription is where it all goes downhill. Any drug taken regularly over time will stop working eventually, as your brain will adapt to it. This is called dependence/addiction. Have you ever heard of rebound headaches? It's what occurs when you take over the counter headache medicine too often. You get headaches from NOT TAKING the medicine. Imagine the side effects when you take a much harder substance (amphetamines) on a regular basis...
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It's bad because it's highly addictive. I don't get what further explanation is required.
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Generic bupropion is cheap, and you can get it cheap from Canadian pharmacies without insurance (mail order). I did this when I took wellbutrin a long time ago and didn't have ins. Got it sent from Canadian pharmacy, 90 day supply.
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wow, I thought this was a joke at first. I get it, you're young and naive, and all drugs seem amazing in the beginning. I agree with sky, you are going to learn these simple truths the hard way:
1. If it seems too good to be true, it is.
2. What goes up must come down.
3. The right way isn't always the easy way.
Good luck with your responsible meth use.
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Good job, MFA. Honestly, if I found a pill I would probably take it. Not having access to the drug is essential for me. Like the pic of you telling that adderall where to stick it.
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Off Ritalin over 7 weeks now and still on Wellbutrin, for some reason I am getting no enjoyment from music. I don't know if its the paws or wellbutrin or both.
Anhedonia is normal after quitting amphetamines. It heals with time.
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I thought about adderall no matter what I was doing, so it was a moot point for me!
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After a year I felt like I was recovered from recovery. It's been 13 months now and I haven't had a bout of PAWS in two months (knock on wood). Once I stopped thinking about adderall all the time, that was a big turning point for me. That was maybe around the 8 month mark.
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One thing I have been wondering is how to find the balance between "going easy" - acknowledging that I'm in recovery and pretty fucking depressed - and working super hard on driving to be a better person, fixing areas of my thinking and life that weren't great during my addiction.
When in doubt, err on the side of 'going easy.' Whenever I pushed myself to do things for the sake of growth in early recovery, it led to stress and inner conflict. Honestly, there's no harm in waiting until you're ready to make other life changes, and when you are much further along in recovery (and feel ready), the easier those changes will be. Early recovery is a very confusing time, and in hindsight I wish I would have just 'gone with the flow' more instead of trying to force myself to grow, because that growth is much more effortless now that I am 'recovered from recovery.' I hope that makes sense!
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From my experience, it took about a year to feel normal again, 'brain-wise.' Keep in mind it's not just your dopamine levels. Altering your dopamine transmitters also affects the balance of other neurotransmitters, which affects the balance of your hormone levels, etc. etc... It's a whole complex chain reaction in there, thus the looong recovery time.
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Don't worry, your brain is plastic and can always change and adapt. Nothing is permanent and in time your brain will regenerate and produce dopamine again. The sooner you stop the adderall the faster the process can begin. It sounds to me (from your writing) that you should seek counseling, not drugs, to overcome the self critical beliefs that seem to be at the root of your issues. You can recover and live adderall free. First step: stop searching the internet! Don't psych yourself out. My friend completely recovered from a hardcore meth addiction, so you can beat this much less harmful addiction! We have all been where you are and are here for support
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What?! Scared of me? Dude, I'm so short, you could totally take me
I actually took lamictal for about a month a long time ago, during my antidepressant experimentation phase. It made me tired, and I wasn't interested in feeling tired or sluggish, so I thought it was a dumb drug. That's all I really remember about it. I liked wellbutrin better because of the stimulating effect.
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Watch 'Nurse Jackie'...awesome show about an ER nurse who's also a painkiller addict. You can get it through netflix or amazon instant video. It's really true in the way it portrays addiction, and supposedly the creators and star edie falco are former addicts as well.
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Congratulations Ashley! You quit once and stuck with it, that is very impressive. Don't worry about your timeline. We will all get there eventually. I am actually starting to see an acceleration of recovery related changes now, where the first ten months were really slow, growth-wise. Wouldn't it be great if we could peer into our brains and see what's happening over time, like a flip book?
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hey, one thing I've noticed is a lot of new folks come on this forum and tell their story of quitting, maybe say one or two more things, and then disappear.... now I'm not entirely sure why, but I surmise that a lot of them don't keep coming back because they keep on using... can't be sure if I'm right or wrong, but I bet most keep on going...
Yep, you are correct! If you go way back in the forums you'll notice that my first 'tell your story' post was in March 2011 and my second was in...March 2012. Guess what I was doing in between those dates? Speed!
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LOL, I was totally Debbie Downer for like, the first six months of quitting.
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Whoami,
Have you ever seen a counselor, not just once or twice, but over the long term? I ask because you use the terms 'self-sabotage' and 'self-destructive' to describe yourself. Often times, we have self-defeating thought patterns and beliefs that we're only dimly aware of because they're so ingrained, it's just our natural way of being. Having a good therapist point out these patterns to you, help flesh them out, can be a huge revelation and a major catalyst in changing the way you see yourself and deal with life. It was for me. Antidepressants may temporarily help with some physical symptoms, but they're not going to get to the root of your problems.
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My #1 quitting song: 'If I Ever Feel Better' by Phoenix, especially the lyrics:
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait
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Confidence and motivation after Adderall take a really long time to come back, a lot longer than four months for sure. Four months sober was a really fearful time for me too, and yes, you do have ADD after Adderall use. It is not all in your head, there are real physical changes taking place as your brain slowly tries to heal itself. I'm telling you though, when you've been off Adderall for a year, you will be amazed how much different you feel than you feel right now. You will look back and shake your head in amazement at how addicted you were and how all your thoughts revolved around this shit. At four months I felt pretty stupid too. Four months is not a long time to be sober. After a year I feel 100 times smarter and saner than I did on Adderall. Just do whatever you can to get through the rest of your first year sober without Adderall, and you will never dream of taking it again. Just crap out assignments and muddle through your first semester. Let time pass.
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Congrats Falcon! I have really enjoyed reading your posts, and you sound like you are doing much better.
I'm going to start the adderall again
in Tell your story
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I was thinking more along the lines of a Quitting Adderall Vegas Convention. Vegas trip, anyone?