quit-once

Lil tex, that is part of the reason I maintain a continious presence around here. I believe that maintaining contact with people either who have quit or who are still in adderall hell just re-enforces my resolve to stay off the shit forever. I had a bad dream a month or two ago, maybe they can always come back. But my thoughts now are about what adderall did or does to other people and how they handle it, and not at all about my past use. At some point I feel like I won't need need that reenforcement any more, but I still do need it now. Anyway, I am glad you woke up and ended that awful dream. Please try not to let it ruin your day Edit: I just want to add that my adderall dreams have evolved over time. My first dreams (about 2-3 months after quitting) were about using and relapsing and I would wake up feeling awful and relieved it was just a dream. Later on, they changed into adderall rejection dreams, usually ending with forcefully spitting out a pill before I had a chance to swallow it. The last dream I remember stepping on the pill and crushing it like a bug and grinding it into the pavement. Woke up feeling pretty good after that one....

I didn't see that one last night, but it reminds me of another political thing. Do you remember during the presidential primary debates when Rick Perry just couldn't think ot that third government department hew wanted to eliminate? Adderall had that effect on me, too. I would completely loose the caboose to my train of thought before it ever left my mouth.

My entire pereption of facebook is from what I have read on this forum. Here is my take: facebook is like the front yard of a home in a nice neighborhood where everbyody's grass is mowed, all the white picket fences have a clean fresh coat of paint, and the flower beds are beautiful with no weeds growing in them. There is a welcome or bless this house sign on the front door of this facbook home. Then you go into the backyard and the quitting adderall woodshed is tucked in the back corner of the lot with overgrown trees and bushes in front of it, and the lawn needed to be mowed last month. But once you go inside the woodshed, there are bundles of wood stacked accorking to size, the floor is swept and there is a functional work bench and usable tools and a couple of sturdy chairs.

I agree. And if you call the doc ASAP and cancel your prescription subscription you can keep those two pills as a souveneer of your addiction, because you won't be able to replace them. Good job so far staying off them. You have proved to yourself you can resist the temptation, and that is really, really huge. Good luck and do keep us posted on your progress!

Ashley, that was my approach too and it still is. If I could not quit once, on my own, it was off to rehab for me.

That is good to rid yourself of that shrink. But now you need to replace her with one that is more able to help you with your many addiction issues. You have a binge and purge mentality about food, weed, alcohol, and adderall; likely there are even more of them you haven't discussed on this forum. You are really hard on yourself, but simply creating your own hell by the guilt associated with bingeing and purging and relapsing isn't enough to create change from within. I really think you will continue to struggle with all of these issues until you get to the root cause of why you constantly need to create your own personal hell each time you indulge to excess. Ashley has a good point about considering a treatment program, if you think it would work for you. If not, please find a better counselor who helps solve problems the old fashioned way, with therapy not drugs.

A couple of months ago, when I first started doing atkins and eating ultra-low carb meals, I learned a valuable food lesson. Got rid of all the bread, sugar, pasta, and other goodies from my kitchen. If I did eat fast food, or takeout, there was always some kind of a carb like the bun, tortilla, rice or breading that I had to dispose of. Not being one to waste food, I started giving those extra carbs to my dog. My god, within two weeks I had a fat lazy shepherd that layed around and snored all the time! Seeing how those carbs went straight to body fat in my dog gave me the incentive I needed to make long-term changes in the amounts and type of foods I eat. I measured the dog's daily feedings and she has lost that chunkiness, but not all of the excess fat. We both need more daily exercise.

jmac, I dug up your original post here from Oct 2011. You have been fighting this battle for quite a while now. I hope you can get it worked out soon.

I have never been to facebook. I have face blindness so I would not remember the pictures or recognize the people.

This book was about ten years old and it did NOT emphasize portion sizes of protein and fat - only carbs. I like meat, but I just can't see how eating uncontroled amounts of fatty meat can be very good for anybody. What I was trying to say was that controling portions of everything, and especially carbs, helps to prevent excessive weight gain. That is a lot easier said than done.

The importance of portion sizes is something I have just learned about in the last six months or so. My own hubris used to get in the way of reasonable portion sizes. In fact, I used to laugh at a 1/2 cup "serving" of hash browns, or the nutrition info that was posted for ONE slice of bread. Really? who eats just one slice of bread? So I ignored those serving sizes used for the nutrition information panel. My outlook on portion sizes changed after reading Dr.Atkins book, and following that diet. I started off eating lots of cheese and fatty sausages and soon realized I was not loosing weight. One of the take away messages from that book was this quote: "Although you do not have to count calories, calories DO matter when it comes to weight loss". So, I learned how to control the portions and quit eating when I felt full enough, but not stuffed Hence, my epiphany on portion sizes. And finally, a quote from Thomas Jefferson: "Never repent for having eaten too little"

Way to go.. Big, Big milestone on your path away from anything adderall.

So, what is your plan to make this time different? Have you cancelled your script?

Cody, I went back and read your original post from a month ago. In it you said "I don't want to trade one addiction for another". Have you now changed your mind? It is not my intention to make anbody feel they like they have been "put down". When I said "that's too bad" I meant I am truly sorry that you have decided to resume taking an amphetamine-like drug after 2.5 months of abtsinence. In reading your original post, I saw that you abused the adderall at high dosages. Once the line has been crossed from medical/casual use into abuse and addiction there is no going back. Ever. Sky correctly expanded and intrepereted my position in his very eloquent post above. You seem to be struggling with a developing aclohol addiction, in addition to wanting to go back to the stimulants. Have you considered going to an AA meeting or seeing a counselor?

Have you ever heard of the slippry slope arguement? Sounds like you have resigned yourself to live with an addiction. that's too bad.

I dunno what to tell you about that interview. A flipchart!? For Christ's sake you might as well have a chalkboard or fucking crayons and a coloring book (no offense, Heather). But here is my two cents. I see a pattern developing. You crave adderall when challenged! This is something you really need to get a handle on, MFA, because it will eventuallly be your undoing if you don't confront and resolve it BEFORE you land your next job. Somewhere in your mind you still believe you are a better performer under the influence of adderall. Despite your awful addiction experiences. MFA, please get some help for this issue. Are you still seeing a counselor? If you don't get beyond this hang up, I am afraid a relapse is hidden in your tea leaves. I suggest you get this resolved before you need to start performing all the time in your next job. This is serious.....please get some help.

IZZE is delicious and mostly natural - about 70%fruit juice and sparkling water. I get it at Costco. Any food in its natural form is better than processed food. I really believe that. I am also a big fan of locally grown food. I grew almost all of my veggies last summer and have never felt better. Regarding the GI index, InRecovery, I just learned on a web site you recommended to me that the Insulin Resistance Diet allows for up to 30 grams of carbs in a two hour time frame IF you couple it up with 15 grams of protein. That web site is http://www.fatsecret.com

I believed, and still do believe, that bad karma would have caght up with me if I didn't quit. Like, since I was blowing six thousand dollars a year on cigs and adderall, that if I continued with my addictions I would surely loose my ability to make that money. Or this: I was born with a good sound body and mind, and I was putting my good health in jepeordy by abusing adderall. Not too different that your belief in juju...but maybe my logic was a little more cause and effect.

Well...my "thing" is food. Food science, food safety, marketing and nutrition. That's my carreer path. My healthy eating has been a long and slow development. It started with realizing I could not buy a large container of ice cream and not eat the whole fuckin thing at once. I had no self control so I quit buying big ice cream. Same thing with snack foods - I started buying the individual serving sized packets so I wouldn't over eat junk food. But within the last year or so I have just quit eating certain food groups like flour and sugar or chips or milk. I have used the concept of abstinence I learned from quitting adderall, (just not absolute abstinence) when it comes to buying most foods that either don't agree with me, make me fat or are otherwise unhealthy. I recently read Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution book cover to cover. He presents an addiction-oriented outlook on carbohydrates that I could really relate to. He is now dead thus he is not around to defend his diet so it is not very popular anymore. I do not believe it is realistic or sustainable to restrict one's carb intake as much as Dr Atkins recommends, but I do like the concept of limited carb consumption and his principle of carbohydrate addiction.

Actually bananas, beans and rice are on my maybe list. I recently cut back on all carbs and bananas have a lot of starch and sugar. So I haven't eaten a banana since thanksgiving. But they are really nutritious and I will likely start eating them them when I need more energy this spring and summer. Same with the fruit juices. Ever tried IZZE sparkling fruit juice beverages?

What is juju? Is it like Karma?

I really like that quote from Hipoccrates. Sounds like the basis of "doing no harm". I just wanted to share a list of foods that I have quit buying. This list has been growing for several years and I had to add several more items after a close call with weight gain last fall. I do not buy or allow into my home the following foods: Cookies candy, except sugar-free treats crackers cereal, with added sugar chips pasta bread beer bananas soda diet soda fruit juices, except grapefruit milk ice cream yogurt I don't abstain from any of the above foods, I simply choose not to have them in my home. I pretend like I am diabetic and eat like they do. I don't like to eat out, either, for many reasons. So far, I have managed to keep away those 20 lbs I lost last summer by sticking with this list of foods I don't buy.

Ok so I pulled a few of your sentences out of this post for more clarity. It is one of your best posts yet, neversaynever. It shows a lot of self acceptance and determination to make the rest of your life beyond your addiction a much better place for you and your family. YOU GO! You got this thing by its dead fuckin tail. You have motivated me to get off my ass and get some shit done today. Gonna start by shoveling all that fresh snow!

I remember your posts from a year ago, JMAC. I remember the well-written posts and yours were long, but good reading. You are not in a good place, my friend. I don't have any solutions, either...only a little feeedback for ya. Normally I would say congratulations for quitting and being adderall free for a month. But in your case, you really didn't choose to be that way. Your addiction simply has not ran its full course...yet. In your mind, the solution to your current problems would be more adderall and a regular stream of it, right? I didn't read anything...not ONE FUCKING THING in your post that said how bad your addiction was or why you hate the drug adderall. One of your last sentences said it made you believe bullshit about yourself, whatever that means. I read that you would blow through a script in two weeks, but not that you really hated that, either. So now you are at a fork where your life can go one of three ways: You can stay where you are, jonesing for adderall and wallowing in your laziness, depression and fatness. Not a good place by any measure and it will eventually lead to another addiction (alcohol, meth, etc) and maybe the full circle back to more adderall abuse. You can give in to the temptations of the adderall calling you back and figure out a new way to get it. Go back to your addiction for however long you need to be there until you find your rock bottom. Let the addiction finish running its course. You might have to loose a job, a girlfriend, piss off your family and chase away your friends. You might have to go into debt to afford the adderall and all the stupid shit it makes you do and buy. You might have to make a lot more bad decisions influenced by a drug. You might have to suffer some serious health problems or develop a mental illness. You have all of these things and more to look forward to if you return to the adderall! Option 3 is to accept your quit for the better and move on with life. That will take the most work and effort on your part. If you choose this path, it won't be easy. It will take a lot of soul searching, self acceptance and looking forward not back at your glorious addiction. We can help you with some of that on this web site but you might even need more help that that with one on one therapy or counseling. You could start by making a list of why you would never want to return to your addiction and the bad things about your adderall abuse. At this point it sounds like if you could just get your hands on more adderall you would take them and not worry about the future for now. What will it take to change that mindset, jmac?

that is what Timothy Leary said too...I think he went out on a few hits of acid