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Greg

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Posts posted by Greg

  1. How Can This Possibly Be 8 Years Later?

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    I recently reconciled with my best friend since we were six years old. Things are back to normal.  Looking forward to seeing him a lot more. The whole adderall thing I went through had such an impact to him, he didn't want to speak to me anymore. He actual cried about the whole thing - i was destroying myself...and changed as a person.  I always assumed I'd be his best man at his wedding. But when he got married he didnt even make me a groomsman because my behavior was so unpredicatable and he was worried. I dont blame him - I went to his bachelor party and I remember being in a state of stimulant induced pyschosis. So depressing. My sister too didn't want to speak to me for a long time, she kept her distance. She became cold to me. It was so hurtful to her. I think it helped when I explained the whole neurotransmitter/addiction scientific process to her...but really it took time for her to be able to be normal to me again. This is depressing to talk about as I write this, I could go on about how i hurt people like my mother, but Im reliieved to say I reconciled most of my friendships, relationships. I had to approach people who saw me go through this and explain to them what was happening to me at the time and explain to them that im over it and ill never go back and reassure them. 

    Those relationships are repairable after sobriety. After they've seen you can change. Enough said.

    • Like 1

  2. Adderall caused thyroid/adrenal issues?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Adderall causes adrenal fatigue. It gives you an artificial surplus of norepinephrine (and dopamine) in your brain . Norepinephrine (also called noradrenalin) boosts levels of energy in your body. 

    The problem is that your body gets used to the pill producing the norepinephrine and dopamine (feel good chemicals) in your brain so your brain stops producing them naturally on its own. 

    So when an addict stops taking adderall not only are they losing that artificial surplus of energy and feel good chemicals, the addicts brain has forgotten how to produce those chemicals on its own and the addict is hit with a double deficit of those chemicals. Thus the feeling of withdrawal. In time as you stop taking the pills, and it takes a long time, your brain begins to realize you are not going get an artificial boost of those chemicals and then gradually begins producing those chemicals on its own again.

    • Like 4

  3. How are "you" even able to read, much less post w/o Add.?

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    One of the main reasons I started taking it in the beginning was to help me to read. I slowly started taking it to read for pleasure because I found it more enjoyable to read on adderall. By the end I was taking federally to do just about every little thing.

    When I quit, I had to stop working to allow myself to recalibrate. I was basically in my own self created rehab , but instead of doing it at a detox center I did it at my mother's home. During that time, I read dozens and dozens of books about a 100 over the course of a year. Novels but also tons of motivational/self help books, addiction memoirs and books dealing with addiction recovery.  This process helped me retrain myself to realize I could read and do everything without adderall. 

    • Like 1

  6. How Can This Possibly Be 8 Years Later?

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    My story is very similar to yours as well - I got vivid flashbacks as I read your story. Maybe it's something about the fast paced life of manhattan that lends itself to addiction.

    I just don't understand why you went back after you had escaped it?! You are just bouncing back from narcolepsy to a state of extreme alertness.

    I don't understand how you could embrace it like that again. If it's to lose weight you can also lose weight with regular willpower with no adderall. 

    I guess you know that it's your addiction talking. Pretty soon you won't be able to hold down a job again. You KNOW the drill. You've escaped before, and you can draw on the knowledge and experience of that the second time around. I hope you understand and remember that you have the strength and discipline and knowledge to stop this and I know that you can do it and I hope that you start right now. 

    • Like 3

  7. Quick 17month update

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Hey this is exactly how I felt recovering. It was a lot of confidence rebuilding even the most mundane stuff I needed to regain confidence to  do those things again....everytime I did something without the drug (that I normally relied on adderall to do , which was pretty much everything) I regained some more confidence. Eventually got to the point where I didn't think about the pills when I was doing those things. It definitely took time though to get to that point. 

    keep up the great work!

    • Like 2
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    My Best Shot at an Honest Life

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Hey, hang in there. I was at 250 mgs. A day, in rehab, doctor shopping, toeing the line of getting caught, getting caught, handcuffed to the bottle, AA, NA meetings and everything. I had to detox for two years and live at home before I could handle working again. But after two years sober I had a strong foundation to rebuild my life. It's only been uphill since. I've gotten my MBA since and getting closer and closer to where I want to be in terms of my career goals, financial goals and life goals. I'm stable again. And progressively moving forward.

    On adderall I accomplished so much in my deluded reality... in my mind only. Off Adderall I  accomplished so much through the lens of tangible...realness. 

    progress started only after I gave adderall up for good. Sometimes I think "if I just took it again I would be sure a superstar at work and so awesome" Then I remember that if I took it, it would destroy everything I've worked for since I gained my sobriety. It's impossible to keep a job while addicted. If you want to move forward you gotta let go of it.

    Remind yourself that life with it is not possible.

    Hang in there...stay on these forums. They saved my life. 

    • Like 9

  10. 300mg per day = DONE WITH AND LIVING!!!

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Your story is so familiar to mine. I was at 250 mgs a day. I couldn't hold down a job with the onset of psychosis. After I quit , everything in my life came together. I look at those years in adderall as a waste of my life. Don't ever trick yourself into thinking what you are doing is okay - that's the spell of addiction.

    • Like 4
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    Greg/InRecovery Meets up with Cassie in NYC

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Hey guys - I havent been on the forum for awhile, and for the newer people you probably don't know me. But I've been struggling with adderall just like all of you and it destroyed everything in my life and Ive been climbing out of that hole ever since I quit. You've probably come across my posts since ive posted over 2000 posts on this site.

     

    For the rest of you -- I MET Cassie in NYC!!!  IT was so so awesome, seeing her, and especially since we go back four years now as friends on quittingadderall.com and we know so much about each other. Meeting her in person was AWESOME. We went to a cool brunch place called Smith's in NYC and it was so so so great to see her.

     

    Hope to meet some of the rest of you sometime!

     

    That's the update on me!!

    • Like 6

  14. I'm ready

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    I think it's always hard to be ready to quit if you haven't felt enough pain from the consequences of being on adderall. I've tried in the past but never really saw its damage until now.

    I'm 37, business owner, creative, single, prescribed this drug to help me with staying on task. I decided for myself I must be ADD and the doctor was easy to get to go along. Maybe I even am ADD who knows?

    The drug helped and my business went from mediocre to big success. I have money and a good lifestyle, am blessed on that note. I could pay bills, complete tasks, and stay uber organized while working most of the time.

    My attempts to have girlfriends suffered meanwhile. I never thought I was abusing because I was taking what the doctor prescribed. But every day of adderall started to take its toll on me mentally. I've always had issues in relationships with slight intimacy stuff , but new problems began and existing problems were exacerbated.

    I suddenly became a very critical, demanding, anxious, paranoid, and intense boyfriend. The poor women I dated would find me to be full of expectations. When things didn't go as planned, I would become irate and emotional. Not so much with yelling or temper loss, but with the most anxious body sensations ever causing me to shut down or wall up and fume at an obsessive level about how they aren't good enough. I would focus and focus on their issues and figure out how to fix things. I would tell them what's wrong with them. This never happened before adderall.

    This happened for years while my adderall kept at a daily pace, sometimes increasing dosage and sometimes decreasing, but daily nonetheless.

    My smoking cigarettes doubled. I stopped going to gym - no time when you're so productive! My art work improved and I took up new hobbies.

    But love life was awful and I was always anxious.

    My doctor recently told me she didn't think I was ADD and should stop adderall. That sent me into a panic as I pondered her suggestion along with the scary side effects of this drug that she warned me about. In the meantime, after attempting to rekindle things with my ex only to find myself returning to my old crazy behaviors, I finally hit rock bottom. My anger and anxiety and obsessive focusing on negative traits had rocked me to my core and I found myself curled up on floor bawling my eyes out after failing yet again. I knew right there that this drug had probably ruined me. I was nearing 40 and still not any closer to my dreams of having a wife and family. Sure I had business success and money finally, but what good was it when I was in the state I was in, without joy or calmness?

    I took myself off of adderall 2 weeks ago and had one relapse last weekend out of desperation as my anxiety practically doubled from its already high levels ! That's the crappy thing with withdrawal...it seems to take my shitty feelings and worsen them.

    Now that I know what to expect, I decided I was ready to try again. It's been 4 days now.

    I've been emotional and going in and out of crying fits and depression. I lay in bed or on sofa most the day. My mind races and races. I felt suicidal 3 days ago, thinking my life was ruined forever and that I'll never be able to be a loving partner and successful business owner at the same time.

    Fuck adderall for being so wonderful at first. Fuck me for not coming on here before starting adderall and educating myself on the dangers. Fuck the doctors for giving in to us and not doing their job. And fuck withdrawal for taking me to the dark places I never thought I'd experience. I need this to get better. And I'm here now on this forum for support and help cause I don't think I can do this alone.

    Thanks for everyone that contributes to this great site that exists for people like me randomly googling one day about symptoms and side affects.

    Hang in there. I was bedridden, depressed. crying fits. just like you. I thought it would be impossible. 

     

    Since I first joined this site and quit ive completed reinvented myself. I COULDN'T get out of bed. Now I've gotten my MBA. I HAD NO income. Now im saving up for a mortgage downpayment and making tuition payments.. I HAD NO ability to work - not even in retail job bc i was in psychosis and smoking cigarettes every five min. I was living at home and my credit was destroyed directly bc of my irrational behavior from this drug. Now Im independent and paying my own bills, and rent. Now i am sharp and on a clear career path and looked at my LinkedIn profile and i see another person.

     

    Im not just saying this...I really truly mean it. NONE - NONE -NONE  of this would have happened if I didn't quit adderall and just force myself to go through what you are going through now.

     

    When I quit i didnt have nearly the resources you have now on this site. You have hundreds of forum threads here to draw strength from. Please spend hours reading them as you recover. I have 2000+ posts on this site. This site was my lifeline.

     

    You may be miserable but you are making the best decision of your life, and the best investment into your life. So DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT GIVING UP. Just keep pushing yourself through it. 

    • Like 2

  24. One Word Status Update

    in Lounge (off-topic stuff)

    Posted

    thanks for the motivation, ive been able to build a complex excel model of pivot tables and pivot charts, and my excel skills have gone up tremendously. I spent two hours every morning at work just studying pivot tables --

     

    I've also had to learn very advanced power point. Its been a big climb. But i guess my skills have gone up. I had no choice to learn. Did lots of googling. I cranked out 49 page powerpoint of pure graphs, bar charts, tables etc...from an excel model of pivot tables that I built from a data file i cleaned up. Im surprised Ive been able to push myself to this level. It really felt impossible.

     

    The good thing though is that more you learn and understand the easier it gets. 

     

    If i were to look at this optimistically - my line of thinking should be this:

     

    Ive been challenged and forced outside of my comfort zone..forced to develop skills in areas that Im weaker in but have become a stronger employee because im more well rounded. Im also learning and getting very 'meaty' assignments and i'm building skill sets and contributing on a high level. And that's important for my learning, and development as an employee and my future growth.

     

    i need to repeat that to myself every day when i feel like quitting lol because i hate excel, i feel hopeless, frustrated and and i want to SCREAM at my boss for doing this to me.

    • Like 1
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