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Greg

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Posts posted by Greg

  2. One year later and struggling more and more

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Me too...I was in the 250mg+ range for 12 years...the psychosis is def something you should always remind yourself if you find your struggling.

    Good job on a year. One year is not even close to long enough recovery time, I was better, no more psychosis, but still had a ways to go and ways to go now. Keep your expectations in check, this is something that needs lots of time to heal. But great job on making it this far!!

    • Like 3

  3. My Vigilence Post

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Greg it is OKAY to be crappy at work!!!!  In fact, let's make this a challenge.  I challenge you to suck as much as you possibly can!!! 

     

    You and I have similar perfectionist tendencies and anxieties, and a similar mantra to help us get rid of our perfectionist tendencies.  You say, "It's OK to completely suck at work."  I say, "Make it crappy!  Really, really crappy!"  When I have a deadline, I even turn it into a game.  How crappy can I go?!   LOLOL.    

     

    OK so if you make it a game to 'suck' as much as you possibly can, then I'll make it a game to crank out the crappiest writing possible before my deadline today.  Deal?  :D

     

    But the point is, neither of us literally suck or produce crappy work.  We are both extremely high quality people, and all our work is high quality-- we just don't see it as such.  We have high standards for ourselves with demanding jobs.  We are also recovering adderallics who continually want to learn, grow, meet new people, and push ourselves beyond our limits.  Adderall temporarily gave us the ability to work longer, harder, more focused.... so of course our brains are going to remember that shortcut when we are confronted with these huge challenges that make us want to do better than we ever thought possible.  That's why a vigilance posting like this is SO CRUCIAL.    I love that you did this.

     

    By the way, the only time when you actually sucked at work was when you were tweaking out on adderall.  And the only time my work was actually crappy was when I was on adderall.  Both times, we thought we were flying high...... but from the outside, we were tweaked out, self-important weirdos who were unable to network with new people. 

     

    And yes.... sleep trumps everything else!

     

    Okay, I'm going to spend the next 2 hours making this proposal as crappy as I possibly can!!!   Thanks for the motivation my friend and let us know how your sucky day went!!! :) :) :)

    i really like how you said that we dont suck as much was think we do. We just have high standards for ourselves....that really made me feel better. Now Go SUCK at your paper!

     

    Also, I dont want to waste sentences on this person.  but the person "training" me has gone on vacation for two weeks!!! Already, today was MUCH better --even though i broke my pledge and slept only 4 hours last night (i couldn't fall asleep, was tossing and turning) today was still a good more calm day :-)

    • Like 2

  4. My Vigilence Post

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    GREG!!!  Your awesome commercial spot has motivated me to move past my cut TV scene and go to an audition Friday night.  I am super excited!  Wish me luck!  I am going for a lead role in a live Halloween event at a themed park (of sorts).  If I don't get a lead role, I won't do it because it would take me away from family 19 nights in October.  I am soooo excited, but it will be okay if I don't get it.  All things happen for a reason... 

     

    Sorry, this doesn't fit in your thread, does it?  Oh well...

     

    That's great!! AlwaysAwesome. GO FOR IT!!! It will be a lot of fun. do you have a script to look over yet?    My commercial started rolling out TODAY -yay!

    • Like 1

  5. My Vigilence Post

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Oh god! I read half the article...we are not that bad....

    http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/16/technology/inside-amazon-wrestling-big-ideas-in-a-bruising-workplace.html?_r=0

    Quote from the Amazon article

    “I was so addicted to wanting to be successful there. For those of us who went to work there, it was like a drug that we could get self-worth from.”

    ---Dina Vaccari worked on projects from corporate gift cards to sales of scientific supplies, 2008 to 2014.

    • Like 1

  7. My Vigilence Post

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I haven't read the amazon work culture but i did hear about that article and Im very curious to read it in my present situation. 

    There is a very strong culture in my company but thank goodness it is not like the amazon culture but i want to read that article. It might make me feel better. I am being trained by someone who is treating me like im picking things up too slowly...I dont even want to get into it...its not worth my energy. My manager is aware.

     

    A huge anyway ----- I read through my list of reasons why i quit adderall and the list has piled up to pages upon pages over the collective years since ive been on this site. I was wearing a fitbit and my heartrate went from 110 beats per minute to 59 beats per minute after i read through the list and i was brought back vividly to the days of when adderall destroyed everything --- i feel extreme detest for adderall again  and I will read through the list again and again and i wont ever forget.. 

     

    I also realized that as im beginning the job. I MUST sleep 8-9 hours a night. I have to make that my utmost priority. My fitbit made me aware that i was not getting enough sleep per night. And this stage where im just beginning a new job and trying to absorb a lot and learn lot i feel this is essential.

     

    --Reading the list of REASONS why I quit adderall over and over and over again before bed...

    --SLEEPING 7-9 hours until i get settled.

    --And being very careful not to take anymore of the xanax that im prescribed. i started recently bumping up my dosage to more than prescribed but ive cut that out.

     

    Speaking of which - its time for me to go to bed--like NOW! (And the Amazon article will make great bedtime reading -i hope im not offending an amazon workers lurking the boards..but I work in corporation with a very strong corporate culture...) 

     

    Thanks for the support. Ill continue to keep posted at what has been the most critical juncture ive come across.

    • Like 1

  8. My Vigilence Post

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    i think both of you def are right.  Im thinking the issue right now cognitively I feel liking Im doing stuff that really doesnt come natural to me.... and its mentally exhaustin. I Def need to keep an eye on this and for sure not compensate with something like xanax either.. 

     im going to sleep early tonight, and maybe getting more sleep will be a good antidote in the beginning at least...while im hit with these hard tasks and not knowing much..

    • Like 1

  9. My Vigilence Post

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I feel a lot better thanks..im going to keep up writing on this post until my thoughts get under control. I think I am in a situation where I am a new employee.l..and I am having issues understanding my project ..

    the person training me is not very available---but aside from that I feel my ability to stay clean from adderalll is being tested in the hardest enviorenf yet.

    I will keep posting here

    • Like 1
    • Popular Post
    • Popular Post

    My Vigilence Post

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Im starting to worry about myself enough that I think I should revisit why its important for me to stay away from adderall.

     

    I am finding myself in a similar situation to what drove me to start abusing adderall many years ago. I wanted to be really good at my job. I was forced to be strong in areas i wasnt as strong in, like data analysis and extreme accuracy with numbers in excel and that all drove me to adderall abuse.

     

    I turned to adderall to give me the confidence and the ability to excel.

     

    Now that I find myself in a similar situation and find temptation creeping back into my head, let me remind myself where it all ended.

     

    I was ANXIOUS,

    I was UNPRODUCTIVE AT WORK...I was CHAIN SMOKING and spent more time outside smoking cigarettes and stressing over my work rather than doing my work.

    This all led me to NOT get a job after a grueling 10 week summer internship at a top investment bank on Wall  St.with long hours. I thought i was flying high. I was CLEARLY NOT. I didn't get a fulltime job. Adderall didnt do it for me. Let me remember that.

     

    After that internship, My adderall addiction ESCALATED. I start popping pills and not even counting them. Adderall made me WORSE. and it led to the ultimate destruction - ADDICTION.

     

    This led me to REHAB. This kept me BEDRIDDEN for TWO YEARS. This led me to outpatient therapy. Completely dependent on family to live. This led to disappointment from everyone in my life. This let me to hit rock bottom where i imagined what it was like to not be addicted. This led me to gain the symptoms of stimulant-induced psychosis where I could not distinguish between reality and disreality for over a year...a symptom that mimiked schizophrenia..which was seriously frightening. 

     

    What I took to deal with pressure at work --- led to all of this shit. Let me not forget that. 

    It stemmed from a desire to do really well and prove myself.  That was the reason behind the adderall...

     

    I need to take a step back and remember that I do have a vulnerability. And I will stay close to this post and thread to make sure i get rid of any thoughts of ever letting the addict side of my brain take over....something terrifying. because i know it will destroy my life. 

     

    As I think about this -----   one line stands out from our many posts..and that is --- just allow myself to SUCK at work.  SUCKING AT WORK will lower my expectations of myself, and ill just end up doing better.

     

    But I do want to stay close to this thread because the circumstances between what drove me years and ago and now are very similar. 

     

    PLEASE EVERYONE, REMIND ME THAT'S IT OKAY TO SUCK AT WORK. IF that means returning to an EVIL DRUG.

     

    thanks for letting me share.

    • Like 5

  18. One Word Status Update

    in Lounge (off-topic stuff)

    Posted

    I got a project extension by basically throwing a hissy fit.  

    :D  :D

     

    general observation...work is important, its a responsibility, people have do it, its how people live...But man its such a diff life than being a student.

     

    being student is wonderful...and someday i will find an excuse to go back to school...preferably in florida...

     

    #grassfeelsgreener

  19. The power of the doctor writing the script

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Ugh, I know exactly what you mean.   My adderall source was my codependent ex but it was the same power dynamic..... I'm sure you can imagine the power abuse that that door opened up......

     

    I hate seeing doctors and when I'm sick I usually just deal with it, but I always go to my psych dr. appts for my klonopin.   And it's starting to sound like he might want to stop prescribing it.  I don't abuse it, I just have such horrible anxiety it's the only thing that helps.  This gives him a crazy amount of power over me.

     

    Just remember, we pay their salaries.....

     

    I am definitely feeling you here. My plan was to completely stop xanax before I started work...it didnt happen...I really got to have more strength than this..and start seeing the bigger picture here again and be proactive against any potential problems in the pipeline....

  22. The power of the doctor writing the script

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    On adderall, i hated most that i had rely so much on the doctor to write the script. the doctor had so much power over me. No matter what i made time to see the doctor to get my script. 

     

     

    I dont go through a bottle of xanax quicklylike adderall...but I know deep down i need to get off xanax. ive been taking it increasingly for work but im already starting to wonder when im going to be able to take off work to see my doctor to get new script for refills blah blah blah..its the same kind of thing just not nearly as extreme as adderall.

     

    Also i lost my xanax i thought today and i was feeling panicky and just telling myself i could push through it. I dont like seeing that from me. little too close to home. feeling handcuffed a little to the xanax. 

    • Like 3

  23. Top Ten Reasons for Quitting Adderall

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    i hated most that i had rely so much on the doctor to write the script. the doctor had so much power over me.

     

    I need to get off xanax. ive been taking it for work but im already starting to wonder when im going to be able to take off work to see my doctor to get new script for refills blah blah blah..its the same kind of thing just not nearly as extreme as adderall. Also i lost my xanax i thought today and i was pretty freaked out. and i dont like seeing that from me.

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