Greg

Quit-Once, Thanks for the congrats!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe a year has passed... Had a really rough patch of cravings the week before my one year. It's been a year of my body trying to reach some kind of equilibrium at home. Quit-Once, you are so lucky you don't have withdrawal symptoms. You have no idea. I'm certain the withdrawal I am feeling is from the adderall...and not from environmental mold or something else. It's more or less a continuation of the withdrawal symptoms I've been feeling since day 1 of quitting. I can't wait for the day it goes away. While i feel it mildly on a daily basis, It hits me very hard when I am concentrating hard on something like reading or studying...and then it continues on for the next couple days, then gets better. It's something I guess I need to work out of my system. I would say there are a lot of differences between now and a year ago. For one thing, I am much, much more relaxed on a day to day basis. In fact, my blood pressure has dropped down to normal! For the twelve years I was abusing adderall, there was never a time when I didn't have high blood pressure problems, even had to take medication for it, and now I'm totally fine...Another difference is that I am no longer obsessed with a task and unable to get it out of my head for hours. I'm more flexible in my thinking. I'm much more present in my interactions with people. I used to do something and just tune out the world for hours, couldn't even hear people sometimes when they were talking to me. One year ago, I was hitting adderall-induced psychosis on a daily basis from adderall overdosing. I was a mess and psychologically breaking down. My thoughts were so "out there" and full of "delusions of grandeur". Now I feel like a totally normal person. One year ago, I also felt like a hamster running in a wheel, repeating the same adderall-seeking behavior over and over again. I would wake up and then my whole day would be centered around taking adderall, having enough adderall, getting adderall. Everything else in my day was just a side matter to the adderall...And I would repeat the cycle, every single day. And I'd feel a great sense of relief, everytime I took a pill - just like any other drug addict. By the way, I went to the doctors for a routine visit a few days after my one year anniversary of being adderall-free. I was certain my mom had called this doctor the year before to tell them I was abusing adderall, but when I went for my check up, the doctor had no idea about my adderall mess. So I informed her I was no longer taking adderall becuase I was getting dependent on it, that it was so addictive, and that I was still feeling withdrawal from being off the medication for a year. Then she suddenly suggested a different medication - concerta! My HEART STOPPED for a SECOND and then I quickly said no. I'm so proud I turned down a doctor who was offering me stimulants. I have so many memories of being in doctors offices BEGGING for stimulants (but trying not to appear overeager) Then walking out of the office with a huge grin on my face and an adderall prescription in hand. She DID however up the dosage of Effexor that I'm on. And I think that's helping with my withdrawal symptoms!!! (although it's only been a couple of days) I know that it acts as an SSRI and boosts the levels of the neurotransmitters seratonin and norepinephrine in my brain. Anyway, I told my mom about the incident and she was real proud, real happy to have me back. She said my sister would always break down in tears whenever she saw me, because they'd lost me to the adderall. My mom always would reassure her that I would be back someday. And now I'm back! Thanks quit-once as well for your continued support. And THANKS MIKE AS WELL..

I thought it was interesting how you described life off of adderall. I definitely agree that there is no more of that amped up feeling. Life certainly doesn't feel as intense as it did. Nor do I feel as invincible. I'm no longer completely absorbed in meaningless tasks. I'm more level headed, stable, more realistic. I'm still trying to sort out the differences, I guess.. I was also abusing lorazepam for awhile. That stuff is really addictive. When I just got on it, I would go through my bottle in a week. I was on a really low dosage though. Later on I switched to xanax and later kolonopin. I never got fully addicted to anti-anxiety meds though because they completely contradicted the feeling of being on adderall. And I was full blown addicted to the adderall. For the most part, I was extremely careful taking anti-anxiety meds, just occasionally, because the last thing I wanted was to be addicted to two different kinds of pills. I remember so many incidents though where I was so strung out on adderall, and I'd reach for anti-anxiety meds to calm me down. Then, I'd take even more adderall to rev myself up. It was a vicious cycle. When I popped anti anxiety meds, I tended to pop more adderall overall. That post you were referring to -- I'm really glad it helped. I definitely picked up that notion of addiction as a disease from NA meetings. Have you considered attending NA meetings? No matter how much I am determined to never go back on adderall, I am always super paranoid that I will one day suddenly fall in some kind of "addiction spell/trance" and decide it's okay to be on adderall again -- just totally out of the blue! And I will have never seen it coming. So anytime I'm even beginning to entertain thoughts about it, I just stop everything I'm doing and repeat that line of thinking in my head. By the way, congratulations on getting rid of your adderall stash, which I read in your other post. I totally understand that feeling you mentioned of grieving. When I first quit, it was really depressing I remember, it felt like losing a loved one or something. I was totally grieving in the immediate days after I quit. Actually, in the immediate aftermath of quitting adderall I was full of suicidal thoughts. They only lasted about a day and a half but it was really scary. Because they were running rampant through my head. I couldn't stop myself from entertaining those thoughts and one would lead to another and another. (By the way, suicidal thoughts is listed as one of the rare side effects of adderall) The fact that quitting adderall drove me to THAT point, to the point of HAVING suicidal thoughts from no longer being able to be on the drug...THAT was the final straw and a huge motivating factor for me in the immediate aftermath of quitting. I couldn't believe I had been driven to that point. Anyway, those thoughts just gave way to a general sense of depression...which eventually got better. I guess the two of us illustrate the different ways adderall addicts go through withdrawal symptoms. You're really lucky that you don't feel withdrawal. I still feel withdrawal every. single. day. It sucks. It's like this never ending anxiety in my head. Different intensities of withdrawal depending on the day. I can't believe it's lasted as long as it has. For example, everytime I try to concentrate hard, it seems to trigger withdrawal even more intensely. On the brighter side, the withdrawal has gotten more tolerable and milder as the months passed. I've also adapted to the withdrawal feelings and incorporated them into my life. They used to be seem horrible. Now they are just really, really annoying. I know there will be a day when they disappear altogether forever. I can't wait until that day comes.

Congratulations on three years!! As soon as I start to fantasize about it in my mind, I instantly cut off the thought and I start repeating to myself something that goes like this: "stop anything you are doing right now. You are an addict. Addiction is a disease. This is just your disease talking and not you talking. Your disease makes you think it's good to be on it again and forget about all the bad things its done to you." I just kind of repeat that line of thinking over and over in my head. As for comparing this life from the previous life...I just try to think about all the negatives my addiction caused in my past life to the point I never want to go back there and I start to think of this life as a fresh beginning, a chance to reinvent and be excited about that...

I started having adderall dreams as soon as I quit. They feel really real don't they?? ...I can't believe in '71, the bottle read "take it as prescribed"! The first doctor who precribed me ritalin was like a salesman for ritalin. He told me how he took it himself and loved it and he swore there were no negative side effects and that it was not addictive at all. ...Ritalin, I think, is even more addictive then adderall. Like you. I was instantly hooked. I thought it was the answer to all my problems. I used it to pull allnighters in college. Used it to get me out of bed in the mornings. Everything I read was completely fascinating. But by the summer after my junior year, I was a full blown addict, popping them like candy...especially to meet stressful situations. ... I lost control of my prescription bottle many times. Starting in college, when concerned friends of mine would offer to take my pill bottle and ration them out to me. At a certain point I could no longer stay awake without adderall. My body just fell into a state of total fatigue and exhaustion, no matter how hard I pushed. I convinced my mom to ration out my pills to four a day. That was just enough to get me through the workday,then Id come home and crash until the next morning when it was time for me to go to work again..just a horrible existence, really. (This unfortunately often led to days where I'd come home after work, tearing up the house looking for the hidden prescription bottle and ensuing fights) Aside from the dreams and the night sweats, are things getting better for you?

Hi Guys, When I attended N/A, I couldn't find anyone who struggled with ritalin or adderall abuse. Not too many could relate with the whole aspect of taking the drug to "push oneself to achieve more" which was frustrating for me. Because I couldn't find answers on how to deal with that specific aspect of my addiction. That being said, I still think NA is a great resource. There are many aspects of addiction the adderall addict can share with all of the other addicts - Painkiller addicts, cocaine addicts, heroin addicts - mainly the urge to use again and again and again. The program helps reinforces the message of staying clean on a constant basis. The literature is written in such a way that it applies to all addicts. If you tend to isolate it also is a great support group and network. It really forces you out the door to interact with others and I made a lot of friends. When I was in N/A, I got in touch with some sponsors. And I read the literature over and over and over and OVER again, just praying for answers. The program definitely has a certain mentality and set of specific principles that it helps reinforce over and over again. I stopped the program when I relapsed. I'm not sure why I relapsed while in the program. I think it's because I had not fully resigned myself to quitting when I was attending NA. In the back of my mind, I always seem to be pondering using it again. It might be a lot different if I did it now, now that I'm fully resigned to quit. And I am always considering going back to meetings now. Personally, this site has been really helpful to me in being able to reach out to fellow addicts specifically dependent on adderall. There certainly is a distinction between the adderall addiction and other addictions. And I feel like a lot of those distinctions are being addressed here.

...BTW means (By the way) I became an unfunctioning addict when I started taking ritalin AND concerta and taking wellbutrin at obscene amounts. It was awful. At work, I was sneaking off to the bathroom throughout the day to snort it. I'd also go home during lunch hour to grab more, and I stuffed pills in my back pocket and reached for them liberally throughout the day. I had been following my career path and really happy with my job, living in an apartment in manhattan, but one day I totally "lost it". I got so paranoid at work, and began raving like a lunatic, to everyone's horror. I was totally normal in a job which involved a lot of social interaction and suddenly, I thought people were following me, I was hearing voices in my head...(that's just the gist of it) I was fired. I still have dreams about the whole incident. Everyone in my family was horrified of what became of me...My relatives later told me they were "certain" I had developed schizophrenia... The side effects were mimicing schizophrenia by this point. I moved home and I was a mess. I tried taking some low maintenance jobs, but I couldn't stay at any one job, because I was so paranoid at work, and I kept quitting. That's when I went into rehab and then outpatient therapy and NA meetings for a couple of months. But eventually, I started feeling nervous and thinking I needed to start working again, and also I couldn't tolerate the withdrawal I was feeling. (The withdrawal from the ritalin/concerta, I thought was far, far worse than from adderall.) So I called up a doctor and got another prescription. This time for adderall...and I confessed this in my outpatient group therapy. Then I got kicked out of outpatient therapy for abusing while attending therapy. And they recommended I enter rehab again. When I SWITCHED to adderall, the debilitating side effects from the the ritalin/concerta started subsiding, and I started to feel good again. So immediately I got a job, a very low stress job. I was taking about 4x30mg capsules a day, and that was with a lot of willpower and I wasn't dispensing my pills on my own. During the work day, all I could think about was when I would get to take my next pill. And I felt like I was always in withdrawal. After a year, I left my job, regained control of my prescription bottle, and soon was escalating my dosages of adderall to twice what I was taking. In a short time, that's when I started developing serious mental side effects from the adderall this time.. By the time I quit adderall, 11 months ago, I was on the verge of another total mental breakdown...just as I was with the ritalin/concerta a few years before that. Anyway... 11 months, and no more paranoid thinking, or serious side effects. I guess this is the beginning. You mentioned that there are only two prescribed medical uses for adderall. You should read the book "On Speed". It's all about the history of amphetamines (adderall, dexadrine, ritalin etc) and how the drugs have been marketed to the public over the years since it was discovered in the early 1900's. For example, when ritalin first came out in the 1950's it was marketed as an antidepressent and didn't do to well. It wasn't until later when the makers decided to market ritalin for ADHD, that the drug started to take off..

Quit Once - Glad to hear your story!!!! I had ONE pill left after I quit. I put that pill all the way in the back of the drawyer with no intentions of taking it. But still, I saved it. I couldn't bring myself to throw it out. But at the same time, I had NO intentions of taking it. It was just something that was there. I kept asking myself, why can't I throw it out? Have I not really let go? I struggled with this guilt for a long while. Finally, one day I found some adderall and the first thing I did was throw it out. I was surprised at my reaction. After that, I felt so empowered that I went to look for the other pill I had been hiding and thinking about for many months to throw that out, too. I couldn't find it though. But just feeling ready to throw out that last pill, felt to me like I'd just crossed another milestone in my recovery. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's normal, you're thoughts about the pills you stashed away. Even though I only had one pill stashed away, I thought about it SO much!! All I can say is that when you do decide to chuck the rest of it (and you will) you will have taken another big step in your recovery... It's quite an adjustment isn't it? After 10 years of being on adderall.. Emily, I also did the 12 steps and had just a difficult time with it. After going to 100 N/A meetings, and going through the 12 steps book SEVERAL times, I just suddenly relapsed. It's like I just wasn't thinking. After all that time in outpatient therapy and acknowledging I was an addict...I just suddenly thought I could take adderall again. And that it was no problem. The disease took over my thinking process. Just try to stop yourself as soon as you can. And keep reading and sharing on these message boards.

Hey Quit-Once, I also had a couple of blood tests when I was on adderall. I vaguely recollect that I was also low in Vitamin D, too!!!! I can't completely confirm that, but I'm pretty sure that was the case and thought it was bizarre at the time. How strange is that. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with adderall or is just coincidence. As for the auditory hallucinations. Yes. That is something I definitely experienced a lot. I often heard noises which I perceived to hear off in the distance taunting me. I really went downhill with the psychological side effects. The paranoid visual and auditory hallucinations. That's when I went from functioning addict to UN-functioning addict. I was reading the book Methland about meth addicts and noticed that my psychological symptoms were about the SAME as those of meth addicts. For example, one paranoid delusion that is common among meth addicts is that helicopters in the sky are looking down on them. That is one of the delusions that, I'm embarassed to say now, overtook me at the levels of adderall abuse I was at. I was NOT taking any meth, but it just goes to show that at high levels of adderall the symptoms can be the same as with meth addicts. (I was popping or snorting 30 mg adderall about every hour or two during my three day sleepless binges.) I never experienced the night sweats, but I did experience flu-like symptoms. I guess it's just our body's way of adjusting to not being on the adderall. Right now I have a flu like headache from adderall withdrawal (note, it's not a normal headache, it's a flu-like headache) and I still wake up in the middle of the night having dreams about taking adderall and messing up my recovery. Last night, I dreamed I had taken adderall to write a 10 page paper on time. I was terrified and then woke up. The symptoms I'm having though are much milder and easier to ignore...11 months out. One thing you mentioned is that your heart beat would speed up on adderall. That was something I experienced a lot too. Heart palpitations, like little extra heartbeats. I can't believe how the addiction blinds us in such a way. What I can tell you is that I'm totally convinved I do NOT HAVE ADD. For many, many, many, MANY years I had convinced myself I had adhd and NEEDED the adderall and that the adderall was "helping" me. Now, after kicking the adderall habit, I realize that that was just an excuse for me to justify taking the drug. I think I had the normal distraction problems as everyone else.

I only took Chantix for a brief period but it definitely made me feel sick on it. I don't know what it was doing to me, but it was discomfort. So I got off right away. Right now, my feelings of withdrawal are basically what you said. The headaches are less and less and I am still tensing up a lot in the back neck and shoulder area. It happens mostly when I'm trying to concentrate but not necessarily only then. I know it will eventually go away. In terms of side effects WHILE abusing adderall, I definitely got aches and joint pains all over. You're not alone there. Also, Bouts of nausea. The most common physical side effect for me when overdosing was blurry vision and hallucinations. I'd begin to see things like in the trees but I knew it was just the medication. And I'd just ignore it. Sometimes when I took too much and was feeling overwhelmed I would start to sweat and couldn't control it. The worst thing that happened from adderall was that a couple times, my legs (it happened in my left and my right leg on seperate occasions) just started getting itchy and swelling up and I had to go to the hospital. It was really strange and painful and severe, and I knew it was definitely caused by the adderall.. Because both times it happened I had been getting extremely excessive with my adderall use. Then I read under the adderall warnings and side effects that an unexpected breakout of hives can happen. Other side effects I experienced (that I read in the Adderall Side Effect Warnings section) were shortness of breath, sudden jerks and movements like right before I fell asleep, sometimes my eyes would twitch. I definitely got headaches when I took too much and also I developed high blood pressure and had to take pills for that. I never had a problem with high blood pressure before adderall. I remember a couple times, I was so anxious from adderall that I literally thought my heart was going to stop. I've actually read a couple people talk about that same sensation from adderall. Terrifying. One time a friend gave me an MAO Inhibiter for anxiety that you are not supposed to take in conjunction with adderall. (I was taking ritalin at the time) and I ended up having difficulty breathing for the entire day. I was freaked out and went to the hospital. Later I realized it was because i took the drug.I also had all the physical withdrawal symptoms like tiredness etc....And all the psychological symptoms like constant adderall psychosis and paranoia. (Actually the psychological effects were the absolute worst side effect for me, not the sudden outbreak of very painful hives on my legs) By the way you mentioned it gave you allergies. The one thing it did do was clear up all my allergies. I have really bad allergies and it seemed to clear up my congestions. Actually that became one of my lousy excuses to justify taking it. OOhhhhh Boy....After writing all that, I have NO IDEA how my mind could have allowed me to continue taking it. ...Only under the spell of addiction I guess. Actually, if you google side effects of adderall and read them, and there are a LOT listed. I think I've experienced 99% of them... Glad you brought that up though.. All more reasons to never go back to that awful pill... You know, I just thought of one more benefit of quitting adderall. I no longer feel so completely depressed from my adderall withdrawals! I remember when I was high on stimulants all the time, there would be periods throughout the day when the adderall would wear off and I would just crash and feel so crappy inside of my skin. It was like everything in my life was wrong, and everything I did was wrong, and no matter what I did I had done something wrong....And my thoughts would spiral downward and downward. And I would just lie in bed in that state of chemical withdrawal feeling bad about myself. There was nothing I could do to get out of that state of depression EXCEPT for more pills or just force myself to sleep. Usually, I'd try to sleep, and then when I woke up the feeling would be over. I don't feel like that anymore since I've quit. I also don't miss that feeling of total paralysis when the pills were wearing off. It was this uncomfortable feeling that if I didn't take another pill, I just couldn't do anything, couldn't move even sometimes. Just felt full of intense yearning for more adderall. I almost forgot about how bad those moments were. Now, after writing all that, suddenly, it sounds as if being off adderall is like being on a wonderful vacation that never ends!

Don't miss smoking at all. Always reeking of cigarette smoke, and braving freezing cold weather... Smoking with numbed out fingers... When I stopped the adderall, my cravings for smoke just - poof - vanished. Even though i'd been a heavy smoker for 12-14 years. It was great..I had spent so much $$ on nicotine patches, nicorette. I've taken wellbutrin, joined online quit smoking sites, you name it. All I had to do was stop the adderall! I'm curious too whether chantix helped with adderall recovery. I took chantix for a little bit and immediately got off it. At the time, I wasn't ready to quit taking adderall, and I remember it took away from the "high" I got from the adderall I was taking. I immediately stopped it. If I took it in the context of quitting, I wonder if it would have made it easier. What did you think?? Anyway, I'm spending my days now with a GMAT book in my lap, a notebook, and the television on...I feel like I'm in a new phase of recovery with the worst part being over...The whole neck-tensing thing has subsided. I still experience uncomfort, nearly 11 months after quitting (!!!!) but have absolutely ZERO urge to act on it. I am happy knowing it only gets better from here on out... Hope things are getting better in your four mounths adderall-free!!!

Looking forward to seeing your list. I love these lists. They make me laugh when I see other people are going through the same exact thing. I used to drink 5 hour energies, red bull and tons of coffee and smokes when I was abusing adderall. Especially the 5 hour energies. It's like the adderall was just not enough. i was so overstimulated all day long. And there was hardly ever food in my stomach... I've been drinking coffee now in moderation and certainly my studying is much better OFF the adderall. When I was taking adderall and studying, I could never quite get into a groove. Since adderall triggered my smoking addiction...every time I sat down to study, ten minutes later I'd have to get up and smoke a cigarette. Then come back inside and try to refocus. Usually, to try to get me to refocus, I'd pop more adderall. it was a vicious cylce that I was stuck in. By the way, I was going outside for a smoke all the time whether I was studying or not studying. The adderall really triggered the urge for nicotine. In the VERY, VERY, very beginning, adderall used to have a calming effect. But when I started double dosing, triple dosing, quadruple dosing adderall began to make me really anxious. Studying with anxiety is not the best thing. It does make it harder to retain info. And now I can study without the need for cigarette breaks and when I do need a break, it's a short coffee break or some tv or maybe I'll lie down and close my eyes for ten minutes. No more huffing and puffing on smokes... I've been able to get through a couple study guides already.. I don't know why I felt like I needed to take adderall to study. Well, at first, in college I guess I took it to give me an edge, help me with all nighters. It seemed to make lectures more interesting and homework more interesting. But very soonafter, when I started toying with dosages I think it was more my addiction speaking then my really thinking I needed it to help me. I think the "needing it to study argument" just justified to me my constant adderall use to me. But really, by that point, the physical addiction to the pills had taken over and was driving all my decisions to take more. As for weight loss, I started losing weight about six weeks ago. And I lost about twenty pounds!! WITHOUT ANY ADDERALL! I started on Nutrisystem. They send you all your meals and snacks for the month at about 1500-1700 calories a day. Its a couple hundred a month. If you're willing to spend the $, i recommend it. Actually, I have read MANY, MANY POSTS from people really concerned about gaining weight without adderall. I really recommend Nutrisystem as a way to combat the post weight gain. That's interesting you have a cease and recovery folder. In the beginning I used to write down notes, benefits of quitting adderall and re-read them to myself over and over again to constantly remind me why it was better to be off of adderall. Taped things on my wall. One time I found some crushed up adderall stashed underneath a sofa. I grabbed it like it was some contaminated explosive and went straight to the trash bin...The best thing I've discovered about recovery, is that it gets better and better as I go along. Anyway, that constant fear, even paranoia of going back to it, has gotten me through the last 10.5 months.

Want2bemeagain, I also took l-Tyrosine in the months after quitting adderall to help me get some of that dopamine generating again...Maybe you should try giving it a whirl. For me, traces of my motivation began returning around the five month mark..But it's been a real lengthy and gradual process for me....that continues to this day. Quit-Once, I also found myself trying to conceal the fact I was on double/triple/quadruple dosages of adderall. Especially around family members, who all knew I had a problem. I would get really peppy, often scattered, and have a lot of energy (much more than the normal person) and it was such an obvious sign to all of them and I would do my best to try to tone it down. BTW, I actually started my own list of benefits from quitting adderall in my notebook. I didn't finish it, but here's what I have so far... 1) People who know about your addiction are no longer angry at you... 2) Your personality comes back 3) No more cycles of highs and withdrawals throughout the day as you take adderall and it wears off.. 4) No more arranging schedule around doctor's visits and pharmacy visits... 5) No more relying on a 'window' of time when you're on adderall to focus... 6) Saving $$ on adderall prescriptions w/o insurance and cigarettes from the smoking that comes with it... 7) Much less anxiety overall 8) No longer relying on others to dispense pills to you because you can't moderate them on your own. 9) No more chain smoking 10) No more paranoid symptoms, amphetamine psychosis!!!! 11) No more harmful adderall side effects - like high blood pressure, which is something I developed since starting on amphetamines and have been dealing with! 12) You no longer rely on a crutch 13) No more lying to doctors 14) Mo more "freak-outs" from dwindling adderall pill supply 15) No more major sleeping problems like difficulty sleeping from too much adderall or sleeping too much from severe withdrawals 16) No more factoring in how many pills you have or need in order to do projects. 17) No longer tense all over, especially in the neck area 18) No longer manic, random thoughts flying everywhere, making a zillion connections from idea to idea... Anyway, that's what I got so far...I am sure there are lots, lots more that I can't think of...

herei just saw this! Adderall MUST have been the inspiration for it. Too similar. Like in the movie, I, too, have completely ripped apart my house looking for just one more pill...(sigh) I actually liked the ending a lot. Don't want to spoil it. But personally I took a good valuable lesson from it. BTW, I just saw this. It's actor Bradley Cooper's response to a question about Limitless and Adderall... Q: Can you speak to the aspect of prescription drugs being so available to kids, like Adderall and Ritalin. Bradley Cooper: Well in terms of this movie whether it helps to provoke questions and conversations like that. I didn’t set out to do that as the actor and I found this movie being a compelling story about power and what you do with power much more than drugs. It goes from a guy who all of a sudden has power and how he utilizes that power over other people and over what he can accomplish, and when you abuse it and whether you treat it with respect. Now if a drug can be equated with power then it becomes a conversation about the drug, but nothing specific to that. The full interview is here http://www.celebrityeverything.com/?page_id=4405

Hey WanttobeMeAgain - Glad to know things are getting better for you and that you are in recovery. Who would have thought there were so many of us? Feel good. The exhaustion and weariness of maintaining your addiction is finally over. At first I was also weary of what my social interactions would be like off of the adderall. But then I realized that I would be interacting with people in a more normal way, than when I was speaking through a "fog" of adderall. There's no question that adderall strips away your personality and makes you seem more robotic. Also, when I was abusing, my personality was all over the place. When I was running out of pills I got extremely nervous all the time, when I was out of pills I was really depressed and when I had plenty of pills I was super happy and awake for days. People thought I was bipolar! Have faith in the way you THINK and ACT now. You aren't under the influence of ANYTHING AT ALL. Who cares if you stumble around on your sentences? That's probably much more normal to others then when you were constantly in an adderall haze. Keep up the good work. Man, even though I've done nothing this past year except not take adderall. This year has felt like the best time investment into my future I have ever made. Quit-Once, I, too, feel like this board is so important to recovery and have been making my way through the older posts. This is a community of people who are all on the same wave length. We all know what it's been like to go through this addiction battle, and specifically the battle against addiction to adderall. it's something most of the people around us could never truly understand or sympathize with. I have been to lots of NA meetings and while I found PLENTY of other people who struggled with addiction, I could never find people with this specific addiction. It seems that many of us took adderall to improve ourselves to study and concentrate, to push ourselves to be "perfect" not as a recreational drug like a lot of the people in NA. Here we can come together and share our experiences. --- BTW, I just wanted to update on how things are going on my end. I feel like a new person! I'm not at 100% yet, but I am feeling much better than before. Time really heals. For one thing, I am almost back down to my weight when I was on adderall. I had balooned in size in the aftermath of quitting. I've been watching what I eat, and slowly making my way back down to my weight during the adderall days. I am now at ten and a half months and feeling MUCH, much better. (Have faith, guys) I have actually dusted out my resume and soon hopefully will start applying for jobs again. What REALLY has helped me get better is beginning to study for graduate school exam, the GMATS without ANY adderall. Before, there was no question. I used to always need adderall to study (or anything that required some kind of concentration). That's how my addiction started. I needed it to study and study during college - and I never gave up the mentality since then. So now that I've begun to study WITHOUT any adderall, I have begun to feel so much more confidence in my abilities. The weirdest part about all of this is that I am no longer craving adderall to study and throughout my study period. Whenever I studied before, I would always be craving pills as they began to wear off. Just like how a person craves food after not eating for a while. It feels really strange, almost feels funny, to not crave a dose of adderall all the time when I am hitting the books. It feels weird not to want more and more of it throughout the ocurse of the day. I just don't have any urge. And I can study by my own schedule now and not schedule my study around my pill supply or dwindling pill supply. However, on the first day of studying, it was really uncomfortable. After I put away the books for the day, I found myself tossing and turning in bed. It was so miserable! I couldn't fall asleep and while I was not craving pills I was miserable and feeling some kind of withdrawal. But that only happened on the first day of studying. It got better in the days after. Another weird thing occuring is that my brain seems to be so conditioned to being on adderall when I am studying that when I begin to study, I automatically tense up in my neck and shoulders JUST like when I was on adderall. I can't control it. It's like a pavlovian dog response!!!! Everytime the bell rings, the dog runs to get the food. Everytime I study, my back and neck begin to tense up as though I were on adderall!!!That is SO crazy, to see how CONDITIONED i was to studying & then taking adderall. That is beginning to slightly fade away now, but its still apparent. Anyway, all in all, I feel much better than I did before. I am gaining more confidence in this new version of me that is not super dependent on adderall all the time. Ten and a half months later, The biggest difference is that I am now beginning to see hope in a future without adderall. I am now enjoying the freedom that comes with no longer being handcuffed to the bottle. I am also now wondering what my capabilities are now that I am not HANDCUFFED to the prescription bottle. I'm beginning to feel lots and lots of hope again and more faith in my abilities as a person. Thanks for everyone's support. Will continue to update.

Quit Once Thanks for your advice. I've been thinking about what you said a lot. You are probably right. I can't stay on the couch all day. I still feel some chemical withdrawal in my head but its bothering me less and less now. It's time to move on. It really is. I've kind of given myself permission to do nothing, but that could go on forever. So In a couple days, I am going to break out the books and start studying for a graduate school entrance exam and also...I'm going to go pick up some job apps. It just occurred to me that now I am in the state of mind where I can work again! Before I couldn't really do or hold down a job too well, with all those prescription runs and well, the paranoia. But now, there really shouldn't be a problem. Wow. Another benefit of quitting. I can work again! Will keep you posted. Thanks again!

Sboo and Quit-Once, I feel a lot of support from you all knowing we are going through this together. Thanks for your comments. Sboo, Yes indeed. It is so GREAT to be free. Thank you for answering all my questions. Just knowing how you have been able to get on with your life post-adderall has been really inspiring to me. And hearing your story has given me a much better attitude going forward from here. I think most of us adderall addicts would have psychologically been reliant on adderall to get us through something as big as a lengthy job search. Since reading your comments, I have begun thinking in the direction of getting back on my feet. I even started a "to do" list (!!!) and mapped out goals for myself. I really have been laying on the couch almost every day, reading or watching movies. I've been spending a lot of time trying to understand how I feel and what this new post adderall normal is supposed to be. It's like I've been learning to walk again, I guess it's a lot about adapting to a new persona or self. It just occured to me how strange that is. Making a To Do list seems like such a big accomplishment for me right now. Before, I made to do lists every single day and had a zillion things on each list, constantly crossing things off. It's also weird how I just watch movies all the time on the couch. Before, I would feel so incredibly guilty watching movies, even taking a break to go see one, or taking part in leisure activities, because I felt like I was taking time away from productivity... I still feel lost right now. I tried taking a Myers Briggs personality test and realized I had such a difficult time answering the questions because I didn't know who I was in this post-adderall life. But taking the test got me to start thinking toward the future though. I know you are going to succeed well in your new job, with a clear head and especially no more adderall! Working while being addicted and a smoker IS terrible. When I was working, It seemed like every five seconds I was running out for a smoke!! (Isn't it strange how the craving for cigarettes just vanished after quitting adderall?) If you ever went back to adderall (and you WONT), Yes, you would have to pay a higher insurance price. And most importantly, YES, you would eventually be calling out sick a lot. I would call out sick for work on the days I was out of adderall or in adderall withdrawal. That was the WORST in terms of job performance. By the way, I will try exercising for more energy. I find caffeine definitely does help a lot... Quit-Once - Welcome to the club! We're all a couple hundred dollars richer every month huh? It's so great to be free now isn't it? The freedom of being able to do anything without needing adderall to do it. It definitely gets better from month three. I am currently in month 10. I think you've set some great goals set for yourself and I can't believe you only gained five pounds after you quit! I gained 20lbs, and my goal is to get down to my original weight by Nov 1, my one year anniversary of quitting adderall. And again, congratulations on getting through three months! ---- I find it strange that neither of you two are experiencing these withdrawal symptoms I am going through. Perhaps it's partially psychological on my part? I'm beginning to feel that way, a little. Thanks again for writing. PLEASE STAY POSTED ON HOW THINGS ARE PROGRESSING. I am very curious to know...And anyone else reading, please post. I feel like right now, the next step for me is to start accomplishing goals and building confidence in myself, the "real me" not the "adderall me" in my ability to accomplish things. Now that I've jumped in the water, I guess it's time to start swimming, at least try, if that make sense. I will keep you updated on how thing progress. Greg/InRecovery

I CANT believe they re prescribed adderall after you fessed up to being addicted! That's unbelievable. It just goes to show how much doctors know. When I was first prescribed stimulants which was ritalin at the time, my doctor SWORE to me that stimulants were NOT ADDICTIVE. I would never have gone on the meds if I knew what would happen to me... Hang in there. I've been on the same dosages as you. I definitely remember the feeling of not wanting to go to sleep and staying up for days and days and days. I was also taking Kolonipan or xanax with the adderall. Needed pills to wake up, stay awake, relax, and go to sleep... As you probably know, if you keep taking it at that dosage, the side effects are going to get really bad and eventually you will say again 'enough is enough' and stop again. Why not do that today? I think one of the biggest things that helped me in my first days of recovery was just allowing myself to NOT BE A SUPERSTAR in the things I did. Psychologically, I allowed myself to be way below average all the time. I also slept a lot and before long months had passed and the desire to go back on the meds became less and less... Eventually I hated the pills and what they did to me and started to appreciate who I am off the pills and regret the person I was while on the pills. Hating the sleepless, malnourished, chain smoking, doctor shopping, extremely paranoid, robot I became gives me the MOTIVATION to never go back to adderall...

Sboo - Ha ha ha ha. I just read what you wrote in the articles section "The Benefits of Quitting Adderall". I can't believe someone else out there WENT THROUGH EXACTLY WHAT I DID!!! Your post really, really, really REALLY hit home for me. I hope you don't mind, I re-copied and pasted your quote below. And I wrote my additional comments below that... ------------------- I love your benefits/rewards lists!! I share many of the same benefits since I quit. Here are two benefits I can add from my list: 1. Saving money: without insurance, I paid $160 a month on drugs alone. Once every three months I’d visit with the psychiatrist ($150). I save $210 a month by not taking adderall. 2. Saving time and energy: I had to drive across town to pick up my prescription from the doctors office. 50% of the time the doctor would forget to leave it out for me to pick up, or he’d be on vacation, or the office would be closed. Faxing it, calling it in, or mailing it was out of the question. I had to physically retrieve it every time. But worse than retrieving the prescription was getting it filled…..I spent soooo much time waiting around at pharmacies! Half the time the pharmacy didn’t even have the full amount in stock, so I would have to go down the list of pharmacies in the phone book and call ahead of time until I found one that had it in. My doctor would never write me a prescription early, so I’d pretty much have one day to get the script and get it filled, otherwise I’d face debilitating withdrawals. This meant that getting my prescription on that day was top priority, and I made lame excuses to get out of whatever school, work, friends, or family was scheduled. …it’s good to be off adderall! -------- You basically described me EXACTLY. SOOOO many hours waiting in pharmacies. SOOOOOO many hours waiting in doctors offices to see doctors or going to doctors who would never have the script ready or who would write the prescription wrong, like with the wrong date so the pharmacy wouldn't be able to fill it and then having to go back to the doctors office. Having to buy pills without insurance! The non generic Adderall XR was over 300 dollars. Except I was seeing two different doctors so I was going through that same process twice and spending about twice the amount of cash every month. And at one point I was seeing THREE doctors and going through that process THREE times that. I remember all those STUPID drives to the doctors office. And all those hours WAITING AROUND in pharmacies. THAT was me. THAT was all I did. Doctors never refilled prescriptions early. When I was working, used to leave my job all the time to go pick up prescriptions from doctors or go on doctors visits. Everyone was so puzzled. I would NEVER leave a pharmacy without a prescription. I always waited around. I spent hours waiting sometimes. They WERE always out of stock.. My doctors NEVER refilled my prescriptions early... I always had to pick them up THAT VERY day or I wouldn't be able to function because of the withdrawals. It's nice having all that extra cash every month from not SPENDING it on adderall isn't it? You said you were going through about $210 a month. I was Spending about twice that a month. Plus, I would buy cartons of cigarettes because I couldn't take adderall without smoking cigarettes! Now I have stopped the adderall and the smoking cigarettes and I have this extra cash!! It really adds up to a LOT of extra money...

Wow, I can't tell you how incredible it is to have found this site and to hear people who think exactly like I do... Jesse, I also spent my ENTIRE 20's on adderall and it really does suck. I also felt like my powers were taken away.I keep shaking my head thinking my entire adult life has been shaped on adderall. Now with regards to the direction in my life I feel lost. I keep wondering...Who am I now? how am I supposed to feel everyday?, what the heck do I do with myself without the adderall?? I also spend a lot of time thinking in my recovery thinking "hey, this is what normal people feel like". Getting used to this normal has been the biggest challenge of my life so far. Mike, I can't thank you enough for what you wrote below. It was extremely motivating for me to read...and now I'm feeling a lot more focused about...where I should go from here. I guess it's going to be a lot about about attaining and getting my "new productivity" in gear! What you're going through right now in these first months isn't the loss of productivity, it's the loss of your old productivity. Over the course of the next months and years, if you choose to stay the course, your definition of what is productive will change (as you regain your ability to see the forest for the trees). It takes a while to re-seat your grounding and your priorities, but once you do you will be able to start working on being observably productive again. In the end, you can attain an all-new kind of productivity: one that is more brutal, faster, more you, and is wrought in the service of your greatest dreams (vs. in service to the Adderall high). You will be working harder in many respects than you ever were on Adderall, and you will love it so much more (if you focus on pointing your life towards goals you care about).

Hey all, I live about an hour from philly in Princeton, NJ...Perhaps we can organize something where we all get together. Would love to meet with you all. I've been to a lot of NA and AA meetings in my area and never have been able to find someone addicted to adderall.

Princeton, NJ

Thanks for the post. Here's another news clips I found - it's an investigation of adderall that the Today Show did called "‘Smart drug’ abuse plagues college campuses" They used a hidden camera and sent one of the interns undercover to a college campus and she obtained adderall in thirty seconds... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/43058988#43058988

Saw this trailer for a documentary about adderall, called A is for Adderall - just wanted to pass it along... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bwdpkMLa_8

I agree with Matilda, the fatigue gets a lot better. And eventually you will have more energy. Your body won't be confined to the sleep wake cycles of being on adderall and off. Physically, I feel cravings and pressure in and around my head, especially around the base of my neck, sometimes around my temples and occasionally in the forehead. It's not painful but its really uncomfortable and unpleasant. i'm pretty sure those side effects are just my body craving adderall. Although I'm curious to know if anyone else experiences feeling this way. I also recently started getting headaches when Im not well rested, which is another way I believe my body is craving adderall. I also get this itchy feeling inside my body which is hard to describe! These periods of cravings can sometimes last all day, or sometimes for hours. I also found, to my surprise, that a little caffeine helps to motivate me a lot more and definitely helps keep me awake. Sometimes I drink some diet soda. I try to sleep as much as possible to keep the withdrawal to a minimum.