oyvey

Thanks for the support. I went to an NA meeting recently. I admire there commitment and respect for the process, but I really feel like i didn't fit in and was very uncomfortable for some reason. I didn't have trouble admitting I was an addict, but there was just some communication barrier or something that I couldn't get past. Years ago I used to go to AA meetings{voluntarily} even though i was a drinker AT ALL, but i went because I liked their company..meeting people to hang out with sober etc. They all seemed like really cool people. Of course I wasn't seeing them at their worst and wasted etc, but the vibe there was oddly different. I mean no disrespect to any in either program. Kudos for your effort to get your train on the right track. If i wasn't so broke, Id be less scared of the downtime and watching Netflix etc. I hope Santa has a big bag of orange addys for me. JUST KIDDING! I just want my heart and mind back..being able to "feel" real emotion again would be a gift. At this point I don't even feel worthy of being someone's date let alone boyfriend. Well, this is my journal for Monday morning.

Thanks for your input and sorry about your rock bottom. I have 3 pets so unfortunately i can't afford anything new but with the depression I'm not being a very good pet parent. The emotional connections to things I loved prior to adderall have been very numbed. One day at a time I guess. Just bummed. My motivation to work harder has taken a huge dive. I have to be patient.

I answered part of my post after reading it from a different viewpoint. With caffeine I'm still chasing a high of sorts and not okay with just being sober. I'm sure it's adds fuel for my mood swings. I guess being cranky on a regular basis, I will eventually become my own chemical free high. This fckin depression is the worst.

Okay, so i knew I knew I was eventually going to get punched in the face with withdrawal symptoms and it came hard yesterday. I was so flippin' depressed from the time I woke up till the time I went to bed. I had the worst kinds of thoughts that come with depression. I kept myself in company that normally would keep me completely content sober, but yesterday I was yawning and tired. I drank 2 cups of coffee spaced out about 2hours from each other maybe that was a bad idea. I just can't believe how hard depression hit. There wasn't a thing in the world aside from the obvious that could have brought me back to not being depressed other than adderall. $1,000,000 in my lap and i still would have been severely depressed. Today I was depressed and tired but not extreme thoughts. I didn't expect such a delay since the 18th was the last time i abused. Holy crap I thought I was doing well and BAM. Im pretty bummed. I deserve whats coming because as an adult I knowingly went against the docs orders and went to town for the last few days, but honestly didn't think it would be so deep chemically rooted to cause such extreme depression like flicking on a switch. I guess i just anticipated it sooner and more slowly drawn out. I now know why people have the urge to hop right back on the train. It's gonna a tough recovery. The pill i thought was the cure made me so blind and stupid to its power. Im trying to find solace in that this is temporary and it will improve..but right now that's honestly not comforting at all. Every up has a down....a really,really big down.

Tomorrow will be my first weekend day clean. Im a little apprehensive about it. Weekends for me are at a slower pace and more time to want to play brain games with this awful drug. I have scheduled some work, shopping and minor social stuff to try to keep busy. I know I won't always have the option of being busy and I need to be okay with that. Turning to a pill to fill a void is not an option.

It makes sense to me now why you can't get refills and you need to see your doctor to get another script. I saw it as, crap I have to pay you again for the same thing.

Amazing to be a maintenance user and still have to go through hell just to stop. Seems so wrong, but big Pharma is rollin in it$$

It even crossed my mind to switch to Vyvanse, but I still thought i would be chasing and chasing. Moderation clearly isn't my strong point anymore. I found my achilles heel. I worked in bars and clubs for over a decade and had no interest in partaking in ANYTHING. This crap comes up to help me with daily life and BAM, zero to abuse in less than 3 months. I've read so many different websites with people saying, I thought this was my savior and what i've been missing..not even meaning high and abusive..but 90% of them said that phase wore off and it got ugly. It seems like there should be speakers in school giving warnings about it. I know some people respond well and don't abuse, but it seems unanimous that when you stop taking it over time- you are in big trouble even at low doses. End of rant.

Congrats on your 5 months.

You only have me by a few years. Were you functioning if you call it that by abusing or using by doc's standards? It's been a few days and I still have dry mouth. Im not complaining, I'm just surprised something like that hasn't gone away. Im slightly anxious but I have always been, so that isn't really new. It just went away when i was abusing.

A good, respectful bunch on here. That's a very pleasant find and much needed.

I feel like the old man of the message board starting 40yrs old as opposed to back in the school days. If you don't mind me asking Cassie, what was the highest dose that you go to?

What were your personal wake up calls when you said to yourself using this is a problem and i need to stop?

Knock on wood, made it through another day without any kind of withdrawal that would give me any thoughts about going back on adderall. Around late afternoon I remembered what it was like to be on it and the pleasantness, but no cravings. Obviously its only been a few days so I'm not out of the woods.

Im not a miracle worker and i can't promise quit once, but I'm definitely going to do my best. Just one pill will likely get me back on the train, so zero is the magic number. I didn't taper down because i didn't think I had the control to. I had the pills to do it, but i know it wasn't going to happen. Every time I think of it, the "Last dance with Mary Jane" song pops into my head. I feel more forgetful now about silly things like what i went into a room for or what i was supposed to get at the store. I guess brain power will come back in due time.

Im on my 3rd day clean. Aside from a very mild back ache and just generally bummed that I'm not getting that euphoria/focus that i loved so much I'm doing okay. Im going to the gym shortly, doing some praying, doing some work and getting a much needed haircut that I've been putting off. Sometimes i dwell a lot on stupid sober choices in my life or some unfortunate tragedies that put my in a huge financial hole. I need to get out of that pattern and glue myself to what good I do have. Self doubt has limited me for a long time. Im not getting any younger and I'm still single{not that it's a curse], but having someone to trust and pick you up in times of mental doubt would be nice. Sorry, just using this is as my journal of sorts.

Thank you. My chase would have continued but it seemed like even at the highest dosage I wasn't getting any bad side effects, but i knew soon enough it would be dangerous and flat out ruin my life. My tolerance just grew too fast too quick. I saw the train wreck coming. I was being complacent about responsibilities and becoming very much a loner. I felt almost good being alone without feeling lonely. The focus alone wasn't even good enough at the last dose. If it was 100mg, it would have been 200mg within a week or two I'm sure of it. I never snorted or injected but that could have been on the horizon as well. I wasn't the person making gains at school or work. I didn't need it to get ahead and I certainly didn't get ahead at anything. It impeded any progress I could have had, but it just felt great being hyper focused and calm/euphoric. I should have know better than to chase a feeling I could only get with another pill. I didn't have any hangovers and didn't miss any sleep so I seemed to have kept my head in the game without going insane. Simply put, I was chasing the dragon but there was not catching it without killing my life or killing myself in the process. I read stories online about abuse of this stuff and saw me in their shoes someday too soon. I can think of 100 reasons to stop and maybe 3 to continue. Looking at my calendar it was a total of 10 weeks, not 12 like I initially thought. Being 10 only weeks in and seeing red flags screams get out while you have a chance.

Interesting. I've used binaural Youtube videos w/different frequencies in attempt to slow my mind before taking adderall. People told me for years to take yoga, so I tried some classes and my mind was so not there or in tune. I've tried meditations for a long time and i stay scatter brained. I guess that's what brought me to take a drug as a last resort. The abusing part I didn't expect at all, but I'm 100% responsible. It was NOT doctors orders. Instead of thinking about something good and productive before bed and waking up, I was literally thinking about Adderall. That's a huge red flag. I acknowledge it and need to reprogram. Prior to this addiction I enjoyed my gym endorphins and sex. I lost my drive with this stuff big time. Im looking forward to getting that part back.

At some point when I'm more financially stable I need to look into hypnosis for the purpose of concentration and focus. I personally enjoyed the focus lack of distraction more than the buzz factor. For the first time in 40 years being able to read more than a few paragraphs without totally zoning out or putting a book down was unimaginable. That's a goal of mine again, but sans an addictive drug.

Im not at the withdrawal phase yet at day 2, I have more physical energy but just not as verbally/mentally articulate than I perceived myself to be on it. I am missing the routine of having something to look forward to-the reward aspect. I can see how my mind wants its present.

Thank you for the responses. The ironic thing in my case is that I didn't share my experience on it with anyone. I only used it alone. I lacked the motivation to be social. It was being in my own world and being completely okay technically accomplishing nothing. Some people I have read about got straight A's, became socialites, had fun feeling more confident etc. I basically just sat and read or sometimes got into political discussions online. For me I suppose my straw could be feeling so relaxed being alone. I need to make social plans regularly and get back to my daily workouts.

A question for the people that have come back to use/abuse again: Was it because you missed the high, you were lonely or bored, you wanted to avoid physical withdrawal, you wanted to avoid depression? Obviously there can be other reasons. I would like to know what straw broke your camel's back.

The movie "Limitless" kind of reminds me of this drug. The perceived thought of clarity and then the disaster that follows when it's gone or in this case tolerance etc.

So far the only noticeable difference between the past 3 days and today is that I have more energy. My appetite never changed while I was on it, so that hasn't changed. Im also urinating less.

I would say my diet is 80% acidic and I eat a meal every 2 hrs{sometimes 2.5hrs}. I have my last meal within a half hour of going to bed. My last 3 days on it were 60mg, 80mg and finally 100mg. I seriously didn't feel the difference{euphoric} between the 60mg and 100mg. I don't necessarily think I would be on here or stopping if I was 60mg daily was beneficial if you even want to call it that. I don't have a drug history to think that I have a tolerance from prior meds unless .5 xanax once every few days 10 years ago counts. Im just curious why such a dramatic increase over 3 days but almost a placebo effect.