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I think that at the back{or front} of your mind they are a security blanket just in case. That just in case might come in the form of overwhelming stress or sadness. If they are there, they will be used. I have flushed large quantities and it was painful, but for me the right thing to do. If your goal is to quit from here to eternity, they serve no purpose keeping them. Just my 2 cents.

Im the last one that should be preaching, but I would cut off a limb to have 64 days under my belt. Be proud that you have been so strong. An addict will trigger from one pill in my experience/opinion.

Giving in one time will set you straight back into being comforted instantly by a drug. This will NOT be a one time thing. I am the perfect example. I don't have a lot of time sober at all, but my one time to get over emotional pain/anxiety turned into going overboard VERY QUICKLY. Im back at square one and that source of sadness/stress or whatever you want to call it is still there PLUS the depression of withdrawal. I regret that setback big time. Just my 2 cents. You have this amount of time under your belt, you are far ahead of the game-stay that way.

Yeah, a rude awakening...but nevertheless an awakening so ill take that. I need to top letting fear be my guide and make some changes.

I know this is an old post, but I can't help but relate to what Justin said about having forgotten who you are. I feel I'm in those shoes right now. There were plenty of points in my life that I was proud to be sober and that I went through so much hell completely clean. I didn't rely or look forward to anything other than what I could accomplish or whatever endorphin I could muster up via physical effort. I lost that and became lazy because of the instant gratification of a pill. The pain I've been feeling emotionally was gone via a legal amphetamine that I was abusing. Some people get energy from it, I became a lazy, complacent bastard now that I'm thinking about it. I went from being in dynamic shape, to a good reader sitting on my ass alone. The things I loved most that brought me joy I pushed aside for this stupid fuckin pill. I need to find the real me again. Right now I feel like a tarnished, shameful, secretive soul. I guess I had to vent about the importance forgetting who you were. It was a simple sentence, but powerful nonetheless. Thank you, Justin

I didn't plan on taking them every day, but I wanted to avoid things with highs and lows aka coffee and energy drinks especially if they dehydrate. Im starting l-tyrosine w b6 tomorrow. I take fish oil daily, b complex and magnesium/calcium regardless of adderall

Did I cover my bases w/supplements{the supplements won't all be taken daily}? The next question is for anyone that used or abused: On what day after quitting cold turkey did your depression withdrawal kick in assuming you had it?

Thank you. I cancelled them from the doctor on my initial stint. Without saying anything incriminating{since i don't know how the law really works}, the others were found by freak coincidence and not purchased. It doesn't at all make it right, but I didn't seek them out. Going back to your question about consequences from relapse. Im assuming you meant -arrest, OD, getting fired...things like that. Nothing happened to make me want to quit again other than my initial reasons of knowing it's bad news and can get out of hand quickly with my lack of side effects when i increased my dose while trying to chase the dragon as people have said. Being a total noob to any stimulant drug, I didn't think when initially prescribed that I would take more than what the bottle said. Like I have read on many forums, "it was a life saver". The next sentence was almost always followed by things changed and I wish i never took it. That's how I feel.

Is there a difference in Tyrosine and L-tyrosine? I just got back from the 3rd store that didn't have it. I did notice on my whey protein it says it has 500mg of Tyrosine, but i haven't noticed any difference in mood when i take that every morning and sometimes afternoon. You are right about getting rid of the remaining pills. I literally see them as my safety net, when in reality they are just prolonging any chances of being able to deal with pain and depression without a heavy drug. They are flushed now. Im a stressed mess and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and I can only deal with tomorrow when it comes. Thank you for comments and advice.

Im currently looking at the Smart recovery site and thank you for mentioning it. On a slightly different note, part of me I feel is creating my own anxiety about going off again. I don't think I'm in a range of use for seizures or anything besides your standard withdrawal if I stop cold turkey, but I'm still hesitating in fear. I have been reading about things to take to possibly less the depression coming off, vitamins and supplements for natural energy. There are always people with good or shit experiences. It seems like I'm the one afraid to get in the ballgame. Aside from the depression, there really wasn't anything else that crushed me per se and I did expect more physical issues. Part of me is ready to stop and part is scared shitless. Wtf is wrong with me?? If the admins feel like I'm wasting people's time by not just being a quitter and a good example, I understand if you want me to stop posting.

I looked up a lot of rehabs and a good portion of them are outpatient and one of them is a well respected hospital that I've been to for singed lungs from a fire, so that is at least a prospect if need be. A lot of the inpatient seemed either really expensive or just shady with their advertising. I read some reviews that were horrible as well. I suppose if you're detoxing you're not going to be a happy camper so I have to take it with a grain of salt. I would like to avoid rehab, but i don't think it would be a bad idea to go to depression support groups. I went to AA and NA meetings within the past month even though I don't drink. I just didn't relate, feel the support or leave feeling like I wanted to go back at all. Im happy for the people that do benefit though.

Congrats on your year. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. I can't BY ANY MEANS say what it's like to be that far along, but it's definitely a goal of mine. It's clear you weren't abusing, but I still hope the pills on the desk disappear anyway. I hope your 2014 brings the extra zest you've been missing. Thanks for posting where you are and not buttering it up.

Ok, I'm back. 1.There were no consequences from my relapse other than my poor opinion of myself for relapsing in the first place. 2.I decided to use again for a combination of reasons that can be summed up in one word-extreme depression. Within the course of about a week-ish i was total to fuck off and disappear forever from my best friend and confidant{or clearly so i thought}. Next came my mother telling me she had cancer and began apologizing for certain instances in my life that she made the wrong choice and it hurt me. Next came loosing half of my income from budget cuts. Next was one of my pets teetering between life and death from an illness and not having enough money or credit for exploratory surgeries since I spent $18k in the past year on one of my other pets. All of these things emotionally came to a head and I couldn't handle the pain/depression i felt. I didn't have the "craving" to use, I just didn't want to pursue the alternative to make horrible feelings go away. 3. I have not used L-tyrosine, but i tried to get it last night with the other supplements I bought, but it wasn't carried by them. I will be getting it today at another store. 4. On a scale of 1-5 how committed am i to quitting for good. If 5 is the most committed, then 5. Im not going to lie, I was a 5 when i tried to quit last time as well. On a more positive note, I have made major changes in my life to avoid yet another relapse. 5. Am I willing to enter a program if I can't quit on my own? If it's outpatient-absolutely. If it is inpatient- no . Why do I say no? I will lose what little money I have left, I will lose my job and I am the only person that can handle my pets one is special needs and the other is literally licensed and only I can handle her safely. Due to laws in my state, I can't have any accidental bites or scratches. That would certain death for my animal. I don't have a fear of hospitals or not having any access to drugs/adderall. I don't really know how they work other than seeing those silly celebrity shows on tv which i assume isn't very realistic. The reasons above are the only true reasons I wouldn't do inpatient. I don't believe I'm at that point, but I'm going to Google what rehabs there are and what happens there now.

I will answer this in a few minutes, i want to eat and compose my thoughts.

Considering i used today, tomorrow is day one off. It's 10pm where I am and I'm gonna try to hit the sack. I have to learn to be social even when I'm in my low depression even though that's the last thing i feel like doing. I have made plans tomorrow to work early afternoon and then see a movie. I asked an old friend to Reiki me later on, but that's if her plans fall through. I want to get my brain functioning and soul functioning. I feel my soul is so tarnished and it needs to be cleaned off. Thanks for your support.

Thank you for the responses. I do want out of the adderall hell and I'm willing to dump what I have left which would probably last another 2 weeks. I have ample access to anti-depressants. I currently have prozac and wellbutrin xl. I just went to the store for more supplements: omega 3, same-e, b-complex, C{which i will have take in moderation due to stomach issues}, whey protein, oatmeal and some meal replacement bars. I realize everything previously mention isn't addressing the underlying issue causing the depression{lost confidence i once had,lost loves,lost drug free passions, and lack of the stable work i had}. I went 39.5 years of my life basically BONE SOBER. This shit like i have read so many times before is your best friend at first, the savior of your problems and finally your worst enemy.

I was doing well and not taking any pills for a little under a month and 2 weeks ago I started up again when i got into a severe depression. I took between 40mg-75 mg for about 10 days including today at 75mg. I cut myself off from my doctor so he wasn't an enabler. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm quite honestly scared of the depression. I can live without all of it's so called benefits but I'm really scared about being at the lowest of the low emotionally. I have had some significant things happen in the past few weeks that really brought me down and I took the adderall to make those feelings go away for x amount of hours. I didn't miss any sleep at night, but nevertheless i abused again. I know this is a dead end or at least an OBVIOUS bad thing for me to be on. I am literally using it as an anti-depressant and since my tolerance is high, this can't continue. I don't want to get high, but I don't want to get low. Im venting here because you are experienced and genuine people. Please help me get back on and stay on the right road. I honestly don't know what else to say.

I like "don't make any big plans". It sounds like my life lol

I was told that I was garbage by my so called best friend tonight and that she wants me to never contact her again. On that note, I'm gonna call it a night. Thank you, AmyQ

Thank you. This is just fresh to me and stings like a bitch. Im not stopping my life, I just feel so betrayed and have no one "true" in my life anymore. It's just me and my fur kids. Christmas is my favorite season and it sucks spending it alone without someone that cares...or at least I thought cared. Oh well, life goes on and i guess i need to make a hard candy shell.

She knows everything. I wasn't this depressed before adderall, but this was the icing on the cake. The hurt factor is unreal. The one person you can turn to turns their back on you in your darkest time, but you were there during their darkest year after year. I feel like such an absolute fool to overestimate what I thought was my best friend. I thought it would be a no brainer to offer a hug, comfort, something...nope- see ya later and hope you get help.

Thanks for asking. It's been one bad thing after the other recently and to top it off someone I thought was my best friend for over 4 years that I practically dedicated my life to making hers more manageable basically told me she has too much on her plate any my depression is too much....so "hope you get help for it". So I'm absolutely crushed. It doesn't help that it's the holiday season and she is who I have spent the past years with. Im crushed that someone I've been there for so above and beyond 24/7 just said fuck off basically. I have no family support system and just fair weather friends. She was my true friend, but clearly by her actions wasn't what I thought. I have been clean and not "craving" addy's, just thought today it would keep my mind off of being depressed and actually caring so much about today's blow. I don't have any addies anyway. I don't have any other substances, so being hurt and depressed is what it is.

I'm on it as we speak. I like the documentaries and a certain comedy series about weed lol.

I just figured id try to avoid the highs and lows considering my depression. I wouldn't say by any means right now the coffee part is permanent. I haven't been taking anything other than B complex, omega's and magnesium/calcium.

Caffeine free aint easy. I was never a pounder of it and never tried any red bull kinda stuff, but I do miss coffee as well as the obvious. I think in general for me the hardest part of this is the depression and tiredness. I don't feel sick, headaches or anything really physical.