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oyvey

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Everything posted by oyvey

  1. oyvey
    Dang, you're a firecracker of sobriety. I wish i had some of the pixie dust on me. You're "The Little Engine That Could"{or in this case will}.
  2. oyvey
    Interferes with my sleep: A stressful day ahead of me Caffeine after 4pm Fear of relapse Helps with sleep: I must eat a semi large meal within 30 minutes of bed or no chance of even falling asleep. White noise Something to look forward to the next day .5mg Klonopin{well aware it's not wise over a period of time} 1.5mg melatonin Rubbing one out at some point within a few hours of bed My mind is still is still too active since I'm early on in recovery and my personal issues are real again instead of being numbed and pushed to the side so sleep isn't golden yet, but eventually when I get my shit together it will be good again. I never had nights where I stayed up from Adderall abuse since it was very early in the day when I did it.
  3. oyvey
    gotcha, thanks
  4. oyvey
    Even one pill can set the awful downward spiral in motion. You're on the good path and can do this. Do whatever you can to distract and stay away from it. I learned fast that one time will become many and there are plenty others that learned the same thing.
  5. oyvey
    About how long does the combo last for you in the motivation department, Quit?
  6. oyvey
    I have recently been to both NA and AA meetings. I don't drink alcohol at all nor have I ever been drunk in my life, but addiction support is something i wanted and an AA meeting was nearby so I went. It seemed like the NA and the AA were clones of each other with the exception of NA having a darker tone/less friendly vibe{but maybe it's just the ones I have been to}. Has anyone else been to both as well or have a personal preference and if so why? I would chose to go back to AA meetings. Im not knocking any support groups, so please don't take it that way.
  7. oyvey
    You're probably right. I just need to keep sticking it out and putting time between me and it. Today is one of those dull days for whatever reason. It seems to be roller coaster type effect. Some days clarity and some days shit thinking.
  8. oyvey
    Way ahead of you on the Netflix- I have a thing for the documentaries and Family Guy and American Dad.
  9. oyvey
    Thank you, Occasional. It didn't sound harsh to me. I don't want anything buttered up. "Disrupting the spiral of negative thinking." That's a great point/goal to have and is being added to my list, so thank you. I think it's also great about the painting. I'm an awful artist, but maybe I should be digging out the old guitar again and not giving up on that.
  10. oyvey
    Thanks for the response. Exercise has to be part of my life period for the endorphins otherwise I'd probably go nuts without any of the natural juice. I just wondered if there was something striking that was life changing. I was trying to think of "natural highs" like sky diving and stuff like that but also thought maybe my mind is too narrow currently so hearing different things would be cool. Im soooooo early in recovery and aside from dealing with my depression and I'm trying to actually learn about "addiction" itself. Im trying to learn as much as I can from people's successes and failures. Obviously I have to live my own life and face my own demons..but it never hurts to learn something new or hear a positive thing come out of a negative.
  11. oyvey
    This is a question for anyone that was abusing adderall with a history of depression, but found something that filled the void after coming clean. Was there something specific that changed in your life or that you did to change your life to keep you HAPPY {for the most part} and off adderall? PS this goes for whether you were or were not a.d.d. Im finding it hard to be sober and honest with myself and say I would NEVER do that stuff again even though I rationally know it's stupid. I admire the shit out of people that stay clean. Im just wondering if there was some awesome thing that took it's place for lack of a better expression.
  12. oyvey
    Depression is worst mind fuck in the world. I go in and out of my personal dark places and can't see clearly for shit. You don't have to apologize for anything. Vent as much as you can, it might be the one thing that makes you see clearer. It's beyond unfortunate that adderall isn't just available through doctors. It makes it 100x harder when the option is always there. I think the key element after coming out of your depressive episode is to come to grips that the devil will always be around but you have to know your reasons for abusing, learn how addiction works, ask for help when you need it{even if it's hanging out with some friends eating ice cream watching tv}. I have practically begged to be in other people's company because I was afraid of being isolated and knowing myself I would resort to the devil pills or just dwell in a negative mental space. I have found that distraction and not being isolated is a big help for me, but it's also something I need to address in counseling. Why do I am I not okay being alone? What feelings make me want to numb myself? My financial crisis is what currently takes me to a bad mental place mentally in addition to being lonely for the first time in a long time. I've truly learned more of my personal issues and what has to be addressed from this forum than I have in ages of counseling..go figure. Im not at all bashing counseling for people, just making a point to use this forum as a tool to be honest with yourself. We're here to listen, give advice, share experience etc. Empty your box of demons and refill it with sobriety tools and things that might help you grow stronger. I have tons of my plate and not remotely close to being like the "wise elders" here...so i have to keep coming back. Just thought i would put that out there.
  13. oyvey
    Welcome, Frank. This is the only board I personally found to be helpful and supportive without being judgmental, so you will probably benefit most from just letting it all out. I use this forum as recovery and therapy of sorts. A place to be honest and learn from the pros per se. Depression will be a real bitch, I'm not going to candy coat that. There aren't any short cuts{trust me, I OBSESSIVELY looked to find one}. Your brain will heal over time and get you out of the funk. Im still very, very new to recovery but I wouldn't have stopped abusing if I didn't come here and come regularly. So I hope you take advantage of a place where you can be yourself, bitch away, learn your triggers etc etc.
  14. oyvey
    I lost about 90% of my previous sex/porn LOVE..not addiction on Adderall. If I did get any action i was not a porn star and the orgasms to forever to get and they sucked compared to the sober ones that shot holes through walls and made me thank God I have unit lol.
  15. oyvey
    I think this is one of the best posts I've read and I really love the using of bullet points{instead of endless sentences that I write}. Brutal honesty goes a long way. Thank you for posting-and bumping.
  16. oyvey
    Welcome, it's great that you came with your bio and questions to fire away with. I couldn't agree more with Ashley. There are some big red flags and you're completely within your power at this super early stage to avoid the big problems this initial wonder drug does. Having a doctor being so liberal and not to mention such an extreme starting dose, you could be hooked just as fast as me. It might sound crazy, but that thinking about it in advance can spiral into an obsession and it will come before everything else that is important to you. No one here will make a decision for you or judge you, but we will give our personal experiences and opinions. Everyone had different body chemistry, thoughts, demons, strengths, weaknesses etc. Adderall made everything wonderful AT FIRST for me and the tolerance and obsession grew so fast. Within 12 weeks I was around 100 mg ir and not an ounce of discomfort, racing heart or anything anything like that. No question I might have been up to 200mg in another week or so because i was "chasing the dragon" I don't even drink alcohol and strongly dislike weed, but this stuff was just too good to be true. I have never been addicted to anything with the exception of working out, but this stuff was too good too soon and I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself and I was right....i stopped for a little and then I started again when I had an emotional blow. I basically went from zero to addict in a matter of weeks. Please exhaust every option under the sun before continuing with an amphetamine. Im not trying to sound like your parents, but I know how fast I was hooked and Im probably the most sober person I have ever met. Coming off the drug after a short time brought extreme depression,anxiety..you name it. I have to come on here to keep reading why i needed to stop. I never understood how people got hooked on drugs until this stuff. I would never be able to taper or maintain a lower dose. It was cold turkey or abuse and wind up dead or in jail. Stick around, read some stories and make the decision you think is right for you.
  17. oyvey
    I have a side freelance business that I neglected while abusing since I was too busy obsessively reading. Pretty pathetic that my choice when abusing was just to read or debate politics online. Some people party and stay out all night, some people make their businesses boom, I concentrated and just read peacefully while neglecting obligations. Fast forward to present- I have felt better "doing" as soon as I can instead of "planning". Im addressing my shit head on and I'm having some success and some failures but not trying=guaranteed failure. I have changed my mindset to "fuck it, nothing ventured nothing gained". I didn't progress in my life purely out of fear of failure{which caused depression/anxiety etc}. Im reprogramming my brain to do, not plan to do. I have a love/hate caffeine relationship so I'm taking a break from it since I'm too sensitive to the crash. I've been drink 3x the water that i previously did to help basic body processes and healing. Listening to Wayne Dyer while trying to get stuff done helps me, but then again so does listening to my favorite tunes that took a back seat during my abuse and anhedonia . One huge thing I left out-LOTS OF PRAYER. Im not a religious person at all, but seeing that I didn't take my own life recently is a testament for me that maybe I'm on the right track and praying clearly didn't hurt. I hope you give yourself some credit and don't give the adderall credit. You can do it and everyone here I'm sure will help you along. The wisest advice and biggest success stories are the ones I read on here. if you feel like shit and aren't inspired, be patient..it will come.
  18. oyvey
    Im goin with 3-6pm ...sun goes down and the mind starts to go to darker places and memories I'd like to block out.
  19. oyvey
    Nothing short of stunning, post adderall.
  20. oyvey
    I don't wish deep depression on my worst enemy. However, people that say "snap out of it"..I want to punch in the face.
  21. oyvey
    Im finally "starting" to feel some sense of being human again. I'm not as depressed,moody or tired as the previous days. I have shed some tears over some issues which is fine for me. I can look back and see exactly why I was abusing and what I feelings I was numbing. No question, this shit does a great job at making you avoid certain feelings but it's just a bandaid that eventually will infect your wound. I barely have any time clean, but I'm thinking clearer daily and more rationally. To anyone just starting to kick this stuff, you will likely go through a very unpleasant period where there isn't a glimmer of light at the other side of the tunnel. If you stick it out longer, the light will come and it will get easier. For me the depression and sadness was what made me want to jump right back into abusing. I read people's experiences from here daily and did my share of hoping and praying to get through the really shitty part. I think I've gotten past the really shitty part of withdrawal and now have to work on my ability to manage life and feelings without drugs. Im thankful for the people posting their stories and their honesty.
  22. oyvey
    On a slightly different note, i have dogs that for years have been the love my life. They have made me smile, got me through crappy times you name it. When i look at them now, I know i love them but I don't "feel" that love. That is so bothersome to me. I needed to get that off my chest. I feel emotionally numb to things i loved{that moved me emotionally} and feel like I miss the girl that crushed me. Sounds f'd up but I guess that's where I am.
  23. oyvey
    Thank you. I know why I have to, it's just like so many people struggling with addiction I'm going through so much shit and it's hard to see past that. The only thing keeping me sober is the hope of being out of depression and being able to think rationally. I was abusing the pills and it kept me from dealing with the awful real life feelings. For me its time, sobriety, prayer and trying to eat/exercise. I feel like shit in every way, but tomorrow is another day and so on. I've seen plenty of people raving about being clean and i want to be on that side of the fence.
  24. oyvey
    Do I want a good day or a good life? If I choose the first I have NO CHANCE at a happy life and a guarantee of jail or a hellish life. I need to remind myself of this daily through my withdrawal.
  25. oyvey
    Flushing doesn't have to literal, but you get the idea...
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